tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72283271206311619932024-03-05T13:11:29.800-06:00The HowdygramThe Howdygram is made in Texas for friends, relatives and total strangers worldwide. We apologize if anything contained herein is annoying. No kidding.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.comBlogger1737125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-16309716099881622502014-06-01T22:44:00.001-05:002014-06-02T13:54:07.467-05:00An American horror story about drugs.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Just say NO. </i></span></span><br />
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Hey, I’ve got a modern American horror story for you and it has nothing whatsoever to do with ghouls, chainsaws, an alien invasion or Republicans. The subject tonight is DRUGS. <i>Ready? </i>Sam wanted to pick up my new prescription cholesterol medication this afternoon at Wal-Mart so I called ahead to ask about the price, and when the pharmacy assistant told me the co-pay is $274 for a 30-day supply — after I had a nervous breakdown — I calmly replied, “FAT CHANCE! TAKE A HIKE! NO WAY! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!” Incidentally, this was my new prescription for Welchol, the medication Dr. M prescribed on Thursday with pills as big as South Dakota (see <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/my-new-cholesterol-pills-are-as-big-as.html">previous post</a>). I’m assuming they’re made from Black Hills gold or maybe plutonium because nothing else on earth could make a stupid cholesterol drug so insanely expensive. <i>Holy crap.</i><br />
<a name='more'></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxC4otoGmdCwem5eH_BwJknvlg0DPHvZZxAHzN4gXtBGV8vnqbJdNjhDKo-YdirtZWtLaDUcpm8FQG3fYWNVGkEqCIORlEQNSC0Zz7_uzNnotZPJgRVzOWaG7kdu23OCoYI1C635pGNhc/s1600/welchol.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxC4otoGmdCwem5eH_BwJknvlg0DPHvZZxAHzN4gXtBGV8vnqbJdNjhDKo-YdirtZWtLaDUcpm8FQG3fYWNVGkEqCIORlEQNSC0Zz7_uzNnotZPJgRVzOWaG7kdu23OCoYI1C635pGNhc/s1600/welchol.png" /></a></div>I’ll send an email to Dr. M tomorrow to let her know we’ll have to try something else. I don’t know <i>what,</i> however, since I can’t tolerate the statin drugs (Lipitor, Crestor) and just stopped taking Fenofibric Acid due to side effects (see <a href="http://howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/i-feel-like-whole-new-senior-citizen.html">previous post</a>). You’ll be the first to know how this turns out, okay? Hang in there.<br />
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It’s 10:20 Sunday night and Sam and I have been napping, off and on, for the last 12 hours. He’s unconscious in the family room right now, having just slept through <i>Merrily We Live</i> (1938) starring Constance Bennett, Billie Burke and Brian Aherne. This is technically a <i>My Man Godfrey</i> knockoff — the 1936 screwball comedy starring William Powell and Carole Lombard — except I think <i>Merrily We Live</i> is EVEN BETTER due to a totally adorable supporting cast, especially Clarence Kolb (see inset) and Alan Mowbray.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhshx2uK5zDLpSx5iSTbUVZDYJC1pEtQb-UoCex0iBhPeGjraT8hMoNXXQ5AhSuJT6b32k1GGnODY4ep3Ea64zSxAz3JLTbFCrM_OWCQbYwKCl4goUxl6J48gNrPDN4jhPlvHSXKuL-qvA/s1600/merrily-we-live.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhshx2uK5zDLpSx5iSTbUVZDYJC1pEtQb-UoCex0iBhPeGjraT8hMoNXXQ5AhSuJT6b32k1GGnODY4ep3Ea64zSxAz3JLTbFCrM_OWCQbYwKCl4goUxl6J48gNrPDN4jhPlvHSXKuL-qvA/s1600/merrily-we-live.png" /></a></div>It’s time now for a late snack, tonight’s episodes of “Cosmos” and “Veep”and maybe another movie if I can rouse Sam from his semi-comatose state on the sofa. Turn out the lights when you’re done here, okay?Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-31343375927292261322014-06-01T01:21:00.000-05:002014-06-01T01:21:34.563-05:00Our home phone voice mail stopped working on April 11 and we didn’t even know it.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Kidneys, outages, Howdygram 2. </i></span></span><br />
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I’ll begin with the results of this week’s lab work, okay? Dr. M sent me an email Friday evening and the news is swell, especially finding out that MY KIDNEY FUNCTION IS NORMAL following three years of slow but steady decline. In case you’re wondering, I never really detected a problem with my kidneys in any way whatsoever because the “decline” was something that only showed up in blood tests. Nevertheless, if anybody wants to help me celebrate please send an <a href="mailto:marcy@samandmarcy.com?subject=And%20how!%20I%20want%20to%20celebrate%20your%20kidneys!">email</a> at your earliest convenience and I’ll order Chinese food.<br />
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It’s Sunday at 1 a.m. and guess what just happened: WE HAD A POWER FAILURE HERE IN THE STUDY so I had to wake Sam and ask him to flip the circuit breaker in the garage for me. Just between us, I actually know how to do this all by myself but the garage always freaks me out in the middle of the night in case I step on a bug.<br />
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Here’s some news from the Howdygram’s Achievements in Modern Technology department. We found out yesterday that our AT&T home phone voice mail stopped working back on April 11 AND WE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT. After a couple of relatives mentioned that we never returned their calls Sam finally decided to check our voice mail manually <i>— by dialing your own telephone number and waiting for the prompts —</i> and discovered 22 unheard messages. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. I spent an hour on the phone with AT&T while one of their friendly customer service Einsteins “reloaded our mailbox settings” (whatever the hell THAT means) and promised that everything should be working now. However if you’re one of those 22 people who left a message and expected to hear from us, I sincerely believe that AT&T owes you a free meal at the restaurant of your choice. Pick someplace nice with cloth napkins.<br />
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Hey! My plan to launch the Howdygram 2 is in full swing and I’ll probably have it up and running well before my June 15 target date. This is thrilling for a number of reasons, but mostly because I’M SICK TO DEATH OF BEIGE and there’s no way to change the color palette of this blog without making every post from the first three years look like total crap. (It’s hard to explain. Take my word for it.) Stay tuned for additional developments and the big unveiling, okay? Tell your friends.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-15687492358277309812014-05-30T23:57:00.000-05:002014-05-31T07:38:10.093-05:00Muzzlestroking ammosexuals plan a rally at Home Depot.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Grout people, skeeters, dipshits. </i></span></span><br />
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I promised to come back tonight, and here I am. Please hold your applause, okay?<br />
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First on my list is an update on our never-ending remodeling project in the master bathroom, dragging on forever at the hands of the grout people. I won’t rehash the entire nauseating story in any detail tonight, so if you want to know more please click the following links to all of my earlier posts: <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/03/im-picturing-various-scenarios-where.html">click</a> <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/04/happy-april-fools-day-from-queen-and.html">click</a> <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/04/three-things-and-new-putz-of-week.html">click</a> <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/04/who-hell-starts-remodeling-project-at.html">click</a> <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/04/fighting-back-against-gops-budget-from.html">click</a> <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/we-still-dont-know-whats-responsible.html">click</a> <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/welcome-to-another-chapter-of-sam.html">click</a> <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-grout-people-have-to-come-back.html">click</a> <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/i-never-thought-it-would-be-such-huge.html">click</a> and <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/invasion-of-grout-people.html">click</a>. And now here’s the aforementioned update. Clayton, leader of the grout people, and Tim, the main dude from <a href="http://www.binswangerglass-dfw.com/" target="_blank">Binswanger Glass</a>, were here at Howdygram headquarters on May 22 to diagnose the leak in our shower and arrange for Tim’s company to handle the repair ... <i>but that was the last time we heard from either of them.</i> We found out this morning that Clayton gave Tim the WRONG PHONE NUMBER, so every time he tried to call me to set up an appointment he left the message on somebody else’s voice mail. I WANT TO STRANGLE THESE PEOPLE.<br />
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Ready for some breaking news? We’re at war! So a couple of hours ago I ordered a package of New Mountain Sandalwood Mosquito Sticks from <a href="http://amazon.com/" target="_blank">Amazon</a> because poor Sam is being eaten alive on the patio and doesn’t want to marinate himself with sticky gunk every time he sits outside. The best part? SAM’S MOSQUITO STICKS ARE BEING DELIVERED ON SUNDAY. <i>Holy crap!</i> Our first-ever Sunday delivery from Amazon! I also ordered a pair of attractive fake clay pots so he can stand up the sticks in a some sand. I think of <i>everything.</i><br />
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And now ... Kory Watkins, undisputed dipshit, Second Amendment activist and leader of Open Carry Texas who was featured as a Putz of the Week in a previous Howdygram <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/meet-kory-watkins-ultimate-texas-dipshit.html">post</a> back on May 9, filed a lawsuit this week against the city of Arlington because the town leaders banned his heavily-armed muzzlestroking ammosexuals from approaching vehicles on foot at busy intersections to hand out Constitutions. To date they’ve also been banned from bringing their military assault weapons into Sonic, Chili’s, Chipotle, Starbucks, Texas Roadhouse, Jack in the Box, Smashburger, Staples, Wendy’s, Applebee’s and members of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission (liquor stores). <br />
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So far the only establishment that’s been friendly to Open Carry’s terrorists are the clueless clods at Home Depot who decided to allow a rally tomorrow morning in the parking lot of their Richland Hills store near Fort Worth so Open Carry can recruit <i>even more</i> douchebags and give away revolvers, assault rifles and hundreds of rounds of ammo. They also have a guest speaker from Oath Keepers, the unstable extremist group supporting welfare rancher Cliven Bundy’s war against the federal government. I ask you,<i> what could go wrong?</i><br />
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Bottom line? There are better options for your home improvement needs, people. STAY AWAY FROM HOME DEPOT.<br />
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And now it’s time for a teeny can of Frito bean dip and some one-carb Lowrey’s bacon curls.<br />
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Thank you for reading this.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-8391833387234581452014-05-30T18:12:00.001-05:002014-05-30T18:51:56.778-05:00Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf is the meal of a lifetime.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Oscar Mayer, emergency fundraising. </i></span></span><br />
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I just enjoyed the MEAL OF A LIFETIME, people ... Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf on toasty low-carb hotdog buns with folded American cheese singles! This was actually an outrageously late lunch at 4 p.m. because I napped until 1:30 and then forgot to eat for a couple of hours after Sam left for work at 2:15. But minutiae aside, I seriously believe that Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf is becoming my favorite go-to meal because it’s so damn delicious and appropriate for every occasion including birthdays.<br />
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It’s happening again. My inbox is absolutely FLOODED with millions of political emails begging for dough. Every day somebody wants me to help meet another dire emergency fundraising deadline at <a href="http://barackobama.com/" target="_blank">Organizing for Action</a>, the <a href="http://dccc.org/" target="_blank">Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee</a>, <a href="http://democrats.org/" target="_blank">The Democratic Party</a>, <a href="http://txdemocrats.org/" target="_blank">Texas Democrats</a>, <a href="https://secure.ppaction.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=pp_ppol_Nondirected_OneTimeGift&s_src=ppol_onetimegift_old" target="_blank">Planned Parenthood</a>, <a href="http://wendydavistexas.com/" target="_blank">Wendy Davis for Texas</a>, <a href="http://leticiavandeputte.com/" target="_blank">Leticia Van de Putte</a> for Lieutenant Governor, Joe Biden, Michelle Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and now the latest THRILLING INCENTIVE — not counting another chance to win an “I Vote For Democrats” bumper sticker from <a href="http://democrats.org/" target="_blank">Democrats.org</a> — if I drop five bucks at <a href="http://barackobama.com/" target="_blank">BarackObama.com</a> they might fly me to Chicago ABSOLUTELY FREE for an outdoor James “You’ve Got a Friend” Taylor concert with MOSQUITOS!<br />
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Something must be wrong with me today because I already need another nap. This is a whole new level of slugdom even for a retired senior citizen like yours truly. I’ll try to come back later but please feel free to resume your normal routine in the meantime. Thank you.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-80558789071344423952014-05-29T19:06:00.000-05:002014-05-29T22:30:32.943-05:00My new cholesterol pills are as big as South Dakota.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Improvements, medical recap, a Thursday bloodbath. </i></span></span><br />
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Ready for a gigantic news flash? For the last 24 hours I’ve had an uncontrollable urge to create Howdygram 2 with all the popular wit, charm and content as my current blog except we’d have a whole new look and a WHITE BACKGROUND because I’m so sick of beige I might have a stroke. Plus ... the old Howdygram (this one) would have a link to the new one in case you forget to bookmark the URL.<br />
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So what’s the time frame for all this hoo-hah? Well ... Sam will be in L.A. visiting family for nine days in the middle of June so I thought I’d try to launch the new blog while he’s away. This is monumentally exciting for me, people, so please stay tuned for additional developments and tell your friends, okay?<br />
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And now for a quick recap of my doctor’s appointment this morning in case you’ve been hanging out online waiting for this. Believe it or not, Dr. M thinks the severe muscle pain and fatigue in my legs could be <i>peripheral artery disease</i> and NOT a side effect from my shitty cholesterol medications, so she’s referring me to a vascular specialist in the building next door for an ankle-brachial index test to check the blood pressure in my ankles and an ultrasound of my legs to see what the hell is going on. (Maybe I’ll shave first. It’s been years.) For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Dr. M’s office at Baylor Medical Center; and C) the vascular specialist’s office. I don’t know the doctor’s name yet but his building is really nice with pretty bricks.<br />
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I’ve got another new prescription. Because I gave up on Fenofibric Acid a couple of weeks ago (see previous <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/i-feel-like-whole-new-senior-citizen.html">post</a>) Dr. M wants me to start taking Welchol instead for my high cholesterol. This wouldn’t be a very big deal except she gave me some samples and these damn things are as big as South Dakota. Here’s proof in case you think I’m making this up. <br />
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Incidentally, my routine lab work this morning turned into a MAJOR CRIME SCENE when the phlebotomist accidentally yanked the needle out of hand (they always draw from the top of my left hand instead of my arm) and BLOOD WAS SQUIRTING EVERYWHERE ... all over ME, all over HER, all over TWO CHAIRS and all over the FLOOR. Holy crap, what a mess. And you should see the nasty bruise I’ve got.<br />
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Maybe I’ll order Mongolian chicken for dinner tonight. Chinese food heals <i>everything.</i>Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-31689146156870264772014-05-29T08:54:00.000-05:002014-05-29T12:03:48.947-05:00Say goodbye to Ralph Hall, the only member of Congress who knew Bonnie & Clyde.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Old goats, lousy chickens. </i></span></span><br />
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Yo. I’m tired, and here’s <i>why. </i>Sam and I hung out in the family room until 3 a.m. watching old Bob Newhart reruns, I woke up at 5:45 for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and couldn’t fall asleep when I went back to bed so I thrashed around for about an hour, annoyed Sam, couldn’t get comfortable and eventually wound up here in the study reading the latest baloney on <a href="http://gawker.com/" target="_blank">Gawker</a> and <a href="http://jezebel.com/" target="_blank">Jezebel</a>. Trouble is, I’ve got a doctor appointment this morning at 10 and that’s just about the time I need a solid morning nap if I don’t sleep well the night before. Sucks to be me, doesn’t it?<br />
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Here’s some late-breaking political news in case one or two of you still give a crap about our government. THE WORLD’S OLDEST CONGRESSMAN LOST HIS PRIMARY RUNOFF ELECTION ON TUESDAY. Republican Ralph Hall, the 91-year-old World War II fighter pilot from Rockwall, Texas, who witnessed the geological formation of the East Texas Oil Field and actually knew Bonnie & Clyde, lost to a Tea Party halfwit who believes that Obama is a Nazi Communist from Kenya. The halfwit used modern campaign techniques such as direct mail, walking the district and meeting voters; Hall just mailed out a bunch of Honeybaked hams. <br />
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Hall is so old ... he had cosmetic surgery last year because he couldn’t see through his wrinkles, he studied ancient Rome in current events, the publisher of his high school yearbook was Guttenberg and his Social Security number is 1. (One of those things is really true.)<br />
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And now for an addendum to my May 23 <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/kesha-rogers-is-fake-texas-democrat.html">Howdygram post</a> on the subject of FOOD CONTAMINATION. Apparently I overlooked an ongoing issue with Foster Farms chicken and drug-resistant salmonella Heidelberg so I’d like to fill you in <i>right now.</i><br />
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Fifty cases of food poisoning from Foster Farms chicken have been reported since the beginning of April, bringing the total to 574 cases in 27 states during the past year. The CDC says nearly 40% have been hospitalized and 13% have developed life-threatening blood infections. I’m guessing it’s probably safe to finish my bag of tasty Foster Farms chicken patties from Costco since there are only three left and I’m not dead yet.<br />
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Thank you for reading this.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-55048744392229260652014-05-27T18:25:00.000-05:002014-05-27T20:21:07.909-05:00“I don’t want to be a cold-blooded killer of police officers” would be an excellent campaign slogan.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Shopping extravaganzas, a duo of douchebags. </i></span></span><br />
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Aside from braunschweiger sandwiches and afternoon naps the most fun a senior citizen can have at Howdygram headquarters is SHOPPING, so I began yesterday with a modest extravaganza on <a href="http://amazon.com/" target="_blank">Amazon</a> that included a foaming soap pump for the master bathroom, a pair of 28-inch telescoping backscratchers for yours truly and <i>The Inspector General</i> DVD starring Danny Kaye. It just doesn’t get much better than this!<br />
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Incidentally, I already have one of these foaming soap pumps in our guest bathroom and absolutely love the damn thing because it’s so economical you could have a nervous breakdown. You pour one inch of liquid soap — I use a nice-quality dishwashing liquid like Palmolive — in the base and add tap water to the fill line. That’s it. When you press down on the pump you get WADS OF MAGICAL FLUFFY FOAM exactly like the bathroom at the Choctaw Casino, and it LASTS FOREVER!<br />
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But I digress. This morning I also ordered the following treasures from <a href="http://walmart.com/" target="_blank">Wal-Mart</a>: 1) a box of chocolate brownie Clif Bars for Sam; 2) Fritos original bean dip, 3) Wal-Mart’s store brand French onion dip in a jar that gets five-star reviews; 4) two cans of sausage hash because I was really hungry; 5) a six-pack of Mezzetta Chicago-style hot Italian giardiniera; and 6) a one-gallon disposal jug for my used insulin pen needles, insulin syringes and finger-stabby things.<br />
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And now ... let’s have a Putz of the Week! I’d like to introduce off-the-charts extremist David Lory VanDerBeek, Nevada’s Constitution Party candidate for Governor in 2014. In addition to failing to win election to the U.S. Senate in 2012, VanDerBeek has posted a number of hours-long videos to YouTube to educate America that President Obama is exactly like Hitler, which he proves by describing what Hitler did to seize power in Nazi Germany and pretty soon Barack Obama will probably do all the same things. VanDerBeek prays that we’ll avoid a second civil war but he has guns and a boner just in case. If elected Governor of Nevada VanDerBeek promises to grant clemency and protection to any members of the Mafia who come forward with evidence of Obama’s crimes. <i>Please try not to laugh while you’re reading this</i>.<br />
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VanDerBeek is convinced that his brave opinions — such as speaking out against fluoride, vaccinations and chemtrails — and being “the only major political leader in the U.S. willing to ask real questions about Sandy Hook” (he thinks the government staged the massacre to seize everybody’s guns), place him in mortal danger from federal agents. He also wants to put a LOT of people in prison for treason, starting with Barack Hussein Obama but also including “every member of Congress … that voted for the National Defense Authorization Act,” and claims that all terrorist attacks on the U.S. have been staged by the government so it can strip citizens of their rights. He says the TSA is exactly like the Gestapo, modern law enforcement attracts perverts, and the whole thing is just disgusting enough to drive a good Mormon family man to take a righteous stand: “I’m tying to be civil about this. I don’t want to become a cold-blooded killer of police officers. I really don’t want to do that.”<br />
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<i>The Howdygram thinks “I don</i><i>’t want to be a cold-blooded killer of police officers” would be an excellent campaign slogan.</i> <i>How about you?</i><br />
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Ah, but there’s more! You probably won’t be surprised to learn that douchebag VanDerBeek is also a devoted supporter of douchebag anti-government welfare rancher Cliven Bundy, who owes the United States more than $1 million in grazing fees and penalties for allowing his cattle to graze for more than 20 years on federally-owned land. During the last few weeks Bundy rallied armed militias to his ranch in Nevada to force a standoff with government agents. A solid citizen and a true patriot. He even carries a portrait of George Washington in his shirt pocket because GOD BLESS AMERICA.<br />
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Thank you for stopping by. It’s time to eat leftovers now.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-59686767163710752042014-05-26T02:50:00.000-05:002014-05-26T06:04:15.435-05:00There’s no better way to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice than to buy a bunch of crap on sale.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Memorial Day, on this date in history, muu-muus. </i></span></span><br />
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We never made it to Hong Kong Royal yesterday for dim sum. I had to settle for grilled cheese on low-carb white bread with sugar-free sweet pickles because I was asleep almost all day — just like Saturday — and couldn’t talk myself into wearing a brassiere for any reason whatsoever, including shrimp dumplings. I felt like a first-class sloth and loved every minute of it. How’s <i>your</i> three-day weekend shaping up?<br />
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And now, dear friends, a story from The Annals of Marcy’s Frequently Forgettable Childhood to brighten your Memorial Day! I was an eighth grader at Old Orchard Junior High in Skokie, Illinois, on this date in 1965 <i>— 49 years ago today! — </i>when a tornado lifted the roof off my school and dumped a mountain of crap on the faculty parking lot. At the time (I’m guessing around 9 a.m.) my social studies class was waiting just inside the main entrance for an approaching school bus to take us on a field trip, so we had a close-up view of the action and probably screamed louder than anybody else in the building. The school sent us all home afterwards because we were a bunch of nervous wrecks, and I think I remember getting the next day off, too. The following photo was taken when cleanup started on May 27.<br />
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To amuse myself last night I ordered an entire summer senior citizen wardrobe online in less than 15 minutes. This includes a lavender stretchy-knit floral lounger, the same lounger in solid black, and a purple and brown print thing with nice big pockets. The purple and brown print wasn’t my first color choice but the other two options were out of stock and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter — even to <i>me —</i> what color muu-muu I’m wearing to write the Howdygram. For the record, everything was 40% off because it’s Memorial Day and there’s no better way to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country than to buy a bunch of crap on sale. God bless America.<br />
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Thank you for reading this. I’m going to bed now, okay?Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-51077117429581657802014-05-25T07:51:00.000-05:002014-05-25T07:51:42.327-05:00For a limited time ... free high-class Obamacare bumper stickers!<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Insomnia, barfy images. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 13.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">4:13 A.M.</span></b></span></span> It’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep again, although this time I think I’ll blame my predicament on way too many Saturday naps. There were THREE. (Oy.)<br />
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However before I go back to bed to keep Sam company I’d like to post the following collection of aggravating images in the news that make me sick enough to hurl already. They include: arrogant welfare rancher Cliven Bundy and his army of camouflaged douchebags; recent psychopathic mass murderer Elliot Rodger; George “Shoot First” Zimmerman; fart-face Ted Cruz; half-naked Russian “he-man” autocrat Vladimir Putin; and irrelevant north woods moose-killer Sarah Palin. <i>Do I sound bitter? Did I miss anybody?</i><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 13.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">6:46 A.M.</span></b></span></span> Bad news, people. It’s too late to go back to bed and pester Sam because he just walked into the study with a pot of coffee. <i>Rats.</i><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 13.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">7:12 A.M.</span></b></span></span> In the event you’re feeling driven (no pun intended) to advertise your affection for health insurance, for a limited time the Howdygram is proud to offer a couple of high-class Obamacare bumper stickers ...<i> absolutely free.</i> Choose from AMERICANS FOR OBAMACARE or I <span style="font-size: 18px;">♥</span> OBAMACARE. We only have one of each so don’t screw this up. Just send an <a href="mailto:marcy@samandmarcy.com?subject=I%20want%20an%20Obamacare%20bumper%20sticker!">email</a> right away if you’re interested, okay? <br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 13.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">7:50 A.M.</span></b></span></span> Since I can’t really think of anything else to do right now I should probably try to get some sleep because Sam and I talked about doing dim sum for lunch today at Hong Kong Royal and I don’t want to pass out in the dumplings.<br />
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Thank you for reading this.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-88958069309486422892014-05-24T11:05:00.000-05:002014-05-25T05:37:45.550-05:00It’s not every senior citizen who gets two Sausage McMuffins without begging.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Food. </i></span></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2NPYJB-9fNYg26xU5lOhQDpuPW8dClDPdA77P-fhGWSOExmehqliHto6kRiXPNpvw1S3o0Qyv4S_629A5eGRUgDB6fqI0HilwGSscZzjxJDLYbBc0gQRg_F5sCPS62GJTkgKsp5PQJmE/s1600/sausage-mcmuffin.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2NPYJB-9fNYg26xU5lOhQDpuPW8dClDPdA77P-fhGWSOExmehqliHto6kRiXPNpvw1S3o0Qyv4S_629A5eGRUgDB6fqI0HilwGSscZzjxJDLYbBc0gQRg_F5sCPS62GJTkgKsp5PQJmE/s1600/sausage-mcmuffin.png" /></a></div>Pictured above is McDonald’s world-famous Sausage McMuffin — the Howdygram’s all-time favorite breakfast sandwich not counting braunschweiger on low-carb white toast with sweet relish — and Sam is on his way to McDonald’s RIGHT THIS MINUTE to grab a pair of these fine babies for me. Actually, he goes on a doughnut run every Saturday morning and stops at McDonald’s for me on the way home, but I’m thankful just the same. It’s not every senior citizen who gets two Sausage McMuffins without begging ... AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM! Holy crap, am I lucky or <i>what?</i><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">TIDBIT OF HISTORICAL INTEREST:</span></b></span></span> <i>Sam buys the exact same two doughnuts every weekend and always eats the chocolate one first. I greatly admire his discipline.</i><br />
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In case you give a crap, the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Sam’s favorite doughnut shop on Broadway in Garland; C) McDonald’s on the I-30 service road; and D) our polling place at the Dunford Community Center. (We’ll be there Tuesday morning to vote in the Texas Democratic primary runoff election.) <i>Not pictured: Our favorite Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market on Town East Boulevard.</i><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkvLY2rifcE_-NAS92HIUjswDScA7ElBhVokaQHcdlMLtbWXEs6BFsMNbd6ypVkjmVyrSonGp1U99iYRkn3PpOXkCeFq6xQ-fHIJcwhZv3XMcPu6cSoGJlptr5_8bxslIe3oe-wRpKsIo/s1600/breakfast-map.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkvLY2rifcE_-NAS92HIUjswDScA7ElBhVokaQHcdlMLtbWXEs6BFsMNbd6ypVkjmVyrSonGp1U99iYRkn3PpOXkCeFq6xQ-fHIJcwhZv3XMcPu6cSoGJlptr5_8bxslIe3oe-wRpKsIo/s1600/breakfast-map.png" /></a></div>As a great person once said, THANK YOU FOR READING THIS!Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-9038617376946910292014-05-23T18:26:00.000-05:002014-05-25T05:41:16.966-05:00Kesha Rogers is a fake Texas Democrat campaigning for President Obama’s impeachment.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Crappy shoes, crappy food, a crappy candidate. </i></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjQeff9L4Td-GPB-OyHTtXnq7GwmzFtAksPp8BhUhFBfW4hHD-55qMEnhMK4J8Mb31UQe9z6GnsrKNSZ0Xl5DPu_IS5NYx6R9ftPvvfzeQHy2oH_AKNGtKigs8vxglN1CNgR6saqtx980/s1600/crap-mules.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjQeff9L4Td-GPB-OyHTtXnq7GwmzFtAksPp8BhUhFBfW4hHD-55qMEnhMK4J8Mb31UQe9z6GnsrKNSZ0Xl5DPu_IS5NYx6R9ftPvvfzeQHy2oH_AKNGtKigs8vxglN1CNgR6saqtx980/s1600/crap-mules.png" /></a></div>
Before diving into the subject <i>du jour</i> — RAMPANT AND SCARY FOOD POISONING — I’ll begin this post with a quick review of the atrocious fake suede mules for huge feet that arrived yesterday from <a href="http://roamans.com/" target="_blank">Roamans.com</a>. Please bear with me for a minute while I try to describe them accurately for you, okay? The “faux suede” is actually TEXTURED CARDBOARD, the pretend buckle is plastic, the entire base of the shoe is rock-hard styrofoam with a sprayed-on black rubber edge, and the insole is an artificial cork material with edges so sharp you could surgically remove multiple toes. Sam shipped them back for me first this morning along with a snotty note that began with the words “HOW DARE YOU CHARGE MONEY FOR CRAP LIKE THIS.”<br />
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And now let’s discuss something equally important: AMERICA’S THIRD-WORLD FOOD PROBLEMS. In yesterday’s Howdygram <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/invasion-of-grout-people.html">post</a> I reported on USDA food recalls due to E. coli and Listeria contamination that included 1.8 million pounds of ground beef, walnuts, fresh clover sprouts and 7½ tons of hummus and hummus dips. Unfortunately, the situation is <i>even worse</i> than I originally thought. Prepare yourself, okay?<br />
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In addition to all of the above, a shitload of YoBaby yogurt cups have been recalled because of coliform bacteria, a Red Robin restaurant in Springfield, Missouri, is reporting that 5,000 customers were exposed to Hepatitis A between May 8 and 16, Schnucks Kitchen supermarkets in Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Wisconsin and Missouri have recalled their deli curry chicken salad because of Listeria contamination, Pacific Organic Produce in San Francisco issued a recall of several cases of organic mangoes contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes, Kraft Foods has recalled 1.2 million cases of Knudsen, Breakstone’s, Simply Kraft and Daily Chef cottage cheese due to “inadequate refrigeration” — corporate doubletalk for HEY, THE DAMN THINGS ARE SPOILED — and last but not least, the entire population of Portland, Oregon, is boiling their tap water today after inspectors discovered E. coli bacteria from animal fecal matter (i.e., TURDS) in the city’s water supply.<br />
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I am grieved to announce that Sam and I blew our opportunity for early voting in the Texas Democratic primary runoff election this week due to an overall lack of motivation and generally forgetting about it. However, we WILL vote on election day, which is Tuesday, May 27, because there’s a <i>fake</i> Democrat named Kesha Rogers running for the U.S. Senate against a <i>genuine</i> Democrat named David Alameel, and God forbid if Kesha Rogers accidentally ends up on the November ballot because she’s been campaigning around the state demanding President Obama’s impeachment with a picture of Obama wearing a Hitler mustache. Holy crap, <i>right?</i><br />
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On a slightly lighter note, I thought you might enjoy the following infographic from Google. Bottom line: I guess Utah is kinkier than anybody thought (all those repressed Mormons) and I’d like to know what the hell is wrong with men in Massachusetts.<br />
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Thank you for reading this. At last ... it’s time for LEFTOVERS!Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-46059203244792589352014-05-22T21:39:00.001-05:002014-05-23T17:47:41.757-05:00Invasion of the grout people.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Remodeling disasters, spray-painted savages, a USDA recall. </i></span></span><br />
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I’ll begin with a lede sentence you’ve seen here before in various iterations: Howdygram headquarters was invaded this afternoon by grout people AND glass people! Clayton, leader of the grout people, and Tim, representing <a href="http://www.binswangerglass-dfw.com/" target="_blank">Binswanger Glass</a>, conferred together adjacent to Sam’s favorite toilet and managed to figure out, after two months of inept repairs, exactly where, why and how the shower in our master bathroom continues to leak puddles onto the stone floor. They made plans for another overhaul — hopefully for the last time — after Memorial Day. I am simultaneously excited, hopeful, skeptical, despondent, mildly nauseated and irked. I’ll need therapy by the time we’re done with this. Or at least a lot of braunschweiger.<br />
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In other local news, I’m afraid there isn’t any because I’ve been asleep practically all day. I like to think of it as a patchwork of luxurious, retiree-perfected medium-length naps connected by bathroom breaks and a piece of leftover pizza at 2:45. For your possible interest today’s napping movies included: <i>Murder at the Gallop</i> (1963) starring Margaret Rutherford; <i>White Cargo</i> (1942) starring Walter Pidgeon, Richard Carlson and Hedy Lamarr; <i>Murder on a Honeymoon</i> (1935) starring Edna May Oliver and James Gleason; and <i>The Kennel Murder Case</i> (1933) starring William Powell, Ralph Morgan and Mary Astor.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjapGg3T-6T5jd5D_CRh54pin_CxOE_oddtOBx4Z40llSf1LFYwvTYGf_nQHnATHyx4Ey-y9lvE4dzJo0ugeSo6YGdH5zKejIOwVAtfgnhuyrgrHFV8pLD9TvAzIA3Z5M-QVbS7szGflp8/s1600/white-cargo.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjapGg3T-6T5jd5D_CRh54pin_CxOE_oddtOBx4Z40llSf1LFYwvTYGf_nQHnATHyx4Ey-y9lvE4dzJo0ugeSo6YGdH5zKejIOwVAtfgnhuyrgrHFV8pLD9TvAzIA3Z5M-QVbS7szGflp8/s1600/white-cargo.png" /></a></div>
Holy crap, everybody ... I just read a gigantic headline on <a href="http://cnn.com/" target="_blank">CNN.com</a> that the USDA has recalled two million pounds of food — TWO FREAKIN’ MILLION! — due to E. coli and Listeria contamination, including ground beef, hummus, hummus dips, walnuts and fresh clover sprouts. <i>Who the hell eats clover sprouts besides goats?</i> The hummus and hummus dips are sold at Super Target under the Archer Farms label (see below) and at Trader Joe’s; 1.8 million pounds of contaminated ground beef were distributed to 40 states just in time to poison America in honor of Memorial Day. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSSxyu0jAE2UODqJOZuX8nyWfLbNoiZ8TaSKEHxS0kToOsR97OnO2PkhkFqK7JjNIPJQ-2y827nrh55OITkbWjnobv3JRHJUOJgDJIF0KJU3YnEWx4GO0gcfgCsAcoJyCuP7HGvq7VQ9I/s1600/target-hummus-dip.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSSxyu0jAE2UODqJOZuX8nyWfLbNoiZ8TaSKEHxS0kToOsR97OnO2PkhkFqK7JjNIPJQ-2y827nrh55OITkbWjnobv3JRHJUOJgDJIF0KJU3YnEWx4GO0gcfgCsAcoJyCuP7HGvq7VQ9I/s1600/target-hummus-dip.png" /></a></div>
<i>The answer?</i> I think we should all start eating more Cheetos and Hormel canned tamales, clearly two of the purest foods on the market. Also Slurpees.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggU885GBkzyP_4cWIWvXjYOix5t9cexOP90BIp5FFD2v_Cd8gqCgbLgVz6RJJXCKcXqaLRwmreolFs63G8Jh0nH-qbN2U6UG2KjoRGMyNJfXC96_14PxH0Bs6p6sVBDe6irINPlcMsnJM/s1600/cheetos-tamales.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggU885GBkzyP_4cWIWvXjYOix5t9cexOP90BIp5FFD2v_Cd8gqCgbLgVz6RJJXCKcXqaLRwmreolFs63G8Jh0nH-qbN2U6UG2KjoRGMyNJfXC96_14PxH0Bs6p6sVBDe6irINPlcMsnJM/s1600/cheetos-tamales.png" /></a></div>
Thank you for reading this.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-92098946530887516942014-05-21T23:18:00.000-05:002014-05-22T19:48:40.930-05:00TCM’s 72-hour war movie marathon starts Saturday before sun-up.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> War movies remembered. </i></span></span><br />
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Now that I’m a retired person with a limp who collects Social Security it’s not always easy to know for sure what day of the week it is or if a holiday’s coming up. For instance, I never would have remembered this is Memorial Day weekend except for: 1) Sam’s announcement today at lunch (i.e., “YEE-HAW! THREE DAYS OFF!”); and 2) TCM’s 72-hour war movie marathon starting Saturday before sun-up. To help you navigate TCM’s offerings I’ve decided to list my personal favorites for your possible interest. Check your local listings for times, okay?<br />
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<span style="color: #df0101;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SATURDAY, MAY 24</span></b></span></span><br />
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<i>Objective, Burma! </i>(1945) starring Errol Flynn.<br />
<i>The Dirty Dozen</i> (1967) starring Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson.</div>
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<span style="color: #df0101;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SUNDAY, MAY 25</span></b></span></span><br />
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<i>Mister Roberts</i> (1955) starring Henry Fonda, James Cagney and William Powell.<br />
<i>The Dawn Patrol</i> (1938) starring Errol Flynn, David Niven and Basil Rathbone.</div>
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<span style="color: #df0101;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">MONDAY, MAY 26</span></b></span></span><br />
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<i>Sergeant York</i> (1941) starring Gary Cooper and Walter Brennan.<br />
<i>Friendly Persuasion</i> (1956) starring Gary Cooper and Dorothy McGuire.<br />
<i>Twelve O’Clock High</i> (1949) starring Gregory Peck.<br />
<i>The Best Years of Our Lives</i> (1946) starring Fredric March and Myrna Loy.<br />
<i>Above and Beyond</i> (1952) starring Robert Taylor and Eleanor Parker.</div>
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In case you need additional incentives to tune in:<br />
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<li>I think <i>Objective, Burma!</i> was Errol Flynn’s all-time best performance not counting <i>Captain Blood</i> (1935) and <i>The Adventures of Robin Hood</i> (1938). </li>
<li><i>Mister Roberts</i> was William Powell’s last movie.</li>
<li>Basil Rathbone is outrageously theatrical in <i>The Dawn Patrol</i> and it’s a joy to behold. </li>
<li>Gary Cooper was 20 years too old to play <i>Sergeant York.</i> He was too old for most of his other movie roles, too, except for <i>High Noon</i> (1952) and <i>Friendly Persuasion.</i></li>
<li>Pat Boone sings the theme song to <i>Friendly Persuasion</i> and it’s really, really gorgeous.</li>
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If all this Memorial Day hoo-hah is a little too much for you there are three terrific non-war films you can record on Thursday and Friday to help break up the monotony. On Thursday, they are: <i>Susan and God</i> (1940) starring Fredric March and Joan Crawford; and <i>Hobson’s Choice</i> (1954) starring Charles Laughton, John Mills and Brenda De Banzie. On Friday watch <i>Dodsworth</i> (1936) starring Walter Huston, Ruth Chatterton and Mary Astor. Sam and I absolutely LOVE <i>Dodsworth.</i> One of the best movie endings EVER.<br />
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Thank you for reading this. Seriously.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-2464624271909022092014-05-20T18:48:00.000-05:002014-05-20T19:13:17.491-05:00I feel like a whole new senior citizen since I stopped taking Fenofibric Acid last week.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Socks, side effects, Happy Meals. </i></span></span><br />
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If you turn up the volume for a minute you’ll be able to hear that it’s LAUNDRY DAY at Howdygram headquarters. As I write this post there’s a load of Sam’s socks in the washer and a mountain of my favorite robes, caftans and stretchy lounging attire spinning around in the dryer. I can do these entertaining “housewifey” things today because I feel like A WHOLE NEW SENIOR CITIZEN since I stopped taking Fenofibric Acid last week, an evil cholesterol medication (see previous <a href="http://howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/dialysis-what-every-diabetic-wants-for.html">post</a>) that tried to murder me with pain. I have an appointment next week with Dr. M and I’m pretty sure she’ll be frustrated by this latest development because I need something to help lower my cholesterol. Unfortunately, during the last four years I’ve had to discontinue every available drug due to HORRIBLE SIDE EFFECTS that included such gems as severe muscle pain and tenderness, muscle weakness, muscle cramps, exhaustion, joint pain, difficulty breathing, itching, unintentional weight gain and uncontrollable urination. I can hardly wait to find out what’s next.<br />
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I’ve got some exciting fast food news for your possible interest. Apparently McDonald’s has decided to trade in the malevolent weirdness of Ronald McDonald for a nightmare-inducing <strike>brand ambassador</strike> creature named “Happy,” a Happy Meal box with a gigantic mouth and dentures that wants to eat you.<br />
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Happy has joined the McDonald’s team to introduce a new Go-GURT option for the company’s kids’ meals because nothing tastes better with crusty nuggets of pre-chewed mystery chicken than a plastic tube of sugar pretending to be a healthy dairy product.<br />
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Just between us, though, Happy’s still better than THIS.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDmgc3C9NDGPrhkPqo3bJieKA5YgUsKTTSbRFgwARE6mx3clT2CA05wMvInJuOfZnkIXJuiyCyEMgZnHqj5Ey4OZ8rrKd5SB89MwIY6fY6GbdVq1ilg-1zI4Fbt-TDpS1E_L5yyxtaRow/s1600/burger-king.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDmgc3C9NDGPrhkPqo3bJieKA5YgUsKTTSbRFgwARE6mx3clT2CA05wMvInJuOfZnkIXJuiyCyEMgZnHqj5Ey4OZ8rrKd5SB89MwIY6fY6GbdVq1ilg-1zI4Fbt-TDpS1E_L5yyxtaRow/s1600/burger-king.png" /></a></div>
Thank you for your support.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-88675769618307016312014-05-19T23:57:00.000-05:002014-05-20T09:05:19.625-05:00Families and children do not want deranged gun fetishists eating burritos in the next booth with high-powered rifles.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Food, guns, dickheads. </i></span></span><br />
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Damn. Sam just called to let me know he’s still stuck at the office and probably won’t be home until after midnight. This means I have to endure BOREDOM and NOBODY TO SCRATCH MY BACK for at least another 45 minutes, which is a mighty depressing thought. In the meantime maybe I’ll eat things because lots of food can solve almost anything ... except possibly <i>obesity.</i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU414pnpAkRCEfOPs7docq5AFC4TQpw6ACOdLXDgkK8sl0zJU629BbHQzL-jfDq73fwDnTo0AFO_bkRxdssZr6d6D-El_5mkZDdAlimi08gO2VwYgRO8N8tPdNySBS4tQ-A6dzvAs5bW0/s1600/keep-calm-and-eat-things.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU414pnpAkRCEfOPs7docq5AFC4TQpw6ACOdLXDgkK8sl0zJU629BbHQzL-jfDq73fwDnTo0AFO_bkRxdssZr6d6D-El_5mkZDdAlimi08gO2VwYgRO8N8tPdNySBS4tQ-A6dzvAs5bW0/s1600/keep-calm-and-eat-things.png" /></a></div>
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In other news, apparently the Denver-based headquarters of Chipotle restaurants listened to an outcry from terrified customers after inadvertently allowing members of Open Carry Texas to swarm into a Dallas Chipotle store for lunch with military assault weapons. Naturally, the Second Amendment douchebags are having a collective brain hemorrhage over the radical concept that families and children do not want deranged gun fetishists eating burritos in the next booth with high-powered rifles.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTuVNScNYnTuqLZS8pbu4WaJnOaU70Iar0XWEwBs51bM3DbPNXRDVj6RANRv1LaB5zJkzznmCuUlzfAKfRQ37xM32t-d3CnfQPgIMMwtKgx1fm6BF1pVYoShcujqQF1hNUByISO4aQLYc/s1600/chipotle-open-carry-texas.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTuVNScNYnTuqLZS8pbu4WaJnOaU70Iar0XWEwBs51bM3DbPNXRDVj6RANRv1LaB5zJkzznmCuUlzfAKfRQ37xM32t-d3CnfQPgIMMwtKgx1fm6BF1pVYoShcujqQF1hNUByISO4aQLYc/s1600/chipotle-open-carry-texas.png" /></a></div>
Following the story on a local CBS News website here in Dallas/Forth Worth one clueless pro-gun commenter responded to Chipotle’s decision: “You might as well paint a target on the door. All mass shootings in recent memory have been in gun free zones. You won’t be getting my business again.”<br />
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Actually, Einstein, you have it <i>backwards</i>. All recent mass shootings in recent memory have been perpetrated BY DICKHEADS CARRYING GUNS.<br />
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Thank you for reading this. Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-12792170046678235302014-05-19T19:08:00.001-05:002014-05-19T19:08:35.075-05:00Do you ever pause to appreciate the devastating simplicity of genuine morons?<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Missing mules, crappy service, morons. </i></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfudxCRZT1Zwo6bXZ-CesUvAIWLeN0w8_ZC91N2aMs_4TdXoLfv0ca5hnetwEpdfpLv-iVSYBc3ML5R_evulsRx3TvHyc0FNi522SDwuhJSE668Q_MMlrJfA9izp2wlZcDP5QcOQRMjFw/s1600/new-mules.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfudxCRZT1Zwo6bXZ-CesUvAIWLeN0w8_ZC91N2aMs_4TdXoLfv0ca5hnetwEpdfpLv-iVSYBc3ML5R_evulsRx3TvHyc0FNi522SDwuhJSE668Q_MMlrJfA9izp2wlZcDP5QcOQRMjFw/s1600/new-mules.png" /></a></div>
Show of hands. Do you ever pause to appreciate the devastating simplicity of <i>genuine morons?</i> This morning I submitted a customer service contact form on <a href="http://roamans.com/" target="_blank">Roamans.com</a> because the FedEx tracking number they provided on May 16 for my new fake suede mules for huge feet (see right) isn’t producing any results whatsoever. The error message appears below.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG1xeZgf4LWDCKB8Gs0w6oCaIe_-wvCTvP-MLD8Snjxp7ulxX13SE2x_LnH-4QyHVQoVGJ0INsHq1UzJdRbTxa_7nEPm6wz3rh5qrcEs5TDhL0RtGj4ETLXfGyluqUxsCi43jHd6n408k/s1600/fedex-tracking.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG1xeZgf4LWDCKB8Gs0w6oCaIe_-wvCTvP-MLD8Snjxp7ulxX13SE2x_LnH-4QyHVQoVGJ0INsHq1UzJdRbTxa_7nEPm6wz3rh5qrcEs5TDhL0RtGj4ETLXfGyluqUxsCi43jHd6n408k/s1600/fedex-tracking.png" /></a></div>
Please don’t think I’m making this up, but here’s the helpful reply I just received from an Einstein named Alfreda in Roaman’s customer service department. Holy crap.<br />
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<i>Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience. My name is Alfreda and I will be helping you with your issue today. Thank you for your email. Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience. Unfortunately it does not look like there is any tracking information available online from FedEx yet so I suggest you continue checking the FedEx tracking page until you see an update. Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience.</i></div>
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Holy crap. This is so freakin’ NOT EVEN REMOTELY USEFUL that I’m tempted to mail her a photo of my fist so she can smack herself in the head for me.<br />
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In keeping with this post’s general theme <i>— morons, remember? — </i>I’d like to offer a fine example of the Lone Star State’s Republican grassroots political activitists.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKqTHzc0TUsKVADYYQ_NkoOmta3YKlD1oewWbvm_Y_DwaTKCGG0J0AyM8KcsIHEtu5AUQnQ1EfSK1whNiQAh6j3R86pRylNvL9VVwsXjY6RhVS3kOwBG6aGDzY8_O2ujE9Cf0rTwj9zdU/s1600/homescholers-for-perry.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKqTHzc0TUsKVADYYQ_NkoOmta3YKlD1oewWbvm_Y_DwaTKCGG0J0AyM8KcsIHEtu5AUQnQ1EfSK1whNiQAh6j3R86pRylNvL9VVwsXjY6RhVS3kOwBG6aGDzY8_O2ujE9Cf0rTwj9zdU/s1600/homescholers-for-perry.png" /></a></div>
If you can read this, thank a schoolteacher.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-79984881606437785052014-05-18T19:05:00.001-05:002014-05-18T19:05:21.807-05:00Shopping is the perfect antidote to miserable national and international news.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Shopping sprees. </i></span></span><br />
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In case you’re experiencing a negative sensory overload <i>— like yours truly —</i> from endlessly miserable national and international news, the Howdygram would like to recommend the perfect antidote: SHOPPING ONLINE FOR CHEAP BUT WONDERFUL CRAP. Today I engaged in the following mini-therapy sprees. First up: <a href="http://walmart.com/" target="_blank">Wal-Mart</a>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSFieOe9yZOshKyMF0_nupWGUMACCEMBdBlzlawXMnzO-hElm1mwC8YjM2kMYcbm6CErYMAZEqEKT2uemOOs7hvFlayYuheieo_Re93Ofv6LkrGOypgwtjns0B-BrxUAngOzeOdvE-9kE/s1600/walmart-order.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSFieOe9yZOshKyMF0_nupWGUMACCEMBdBlzlawXMnzO-hElm1mwC8YjM2kMYcbm6CErYMAZEqEKT2uemOOs7hvFlayYuheieo_Re93Ofv6LkrGOypgwtjns0B-BrxUAngOzeOdvE-9kE/s1600/walmart-order.png" /></a></div>
I bought two boxes of blueberry crisp Clif Bars for Sam, two bottles of Sparkle glass cleaner because sometimes a girl needs to <i>shpritz</i>, a sack of Wal-Mart’s store brand foam plates and a jar of Tostitos spinach dip just for the hell of it.<br />
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Next I visisted <a href="http://amazon.com/" target="_blank">Amazon</a> to buy the whole mushrooms in a jar that Sam didn’t get this morning at Costco. (He accidentally bought <i>marinated</i> mushrooms. Gah.) <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy2RoSaKHjeV3pqtPxVxNx7EMhy-pgWx23d5j2jFQCp5ruFhGUBkZ2Hs2Ee9LsXFdQSXJH2FITJJLaqVm4TuLWdkYwujFDxZjkwlaT-xz1XHri-JsrWyghHjmZZxP6xwi9MNKTptdzZnQ/s1600/amazon-order.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy2RoSaKHjeV3pqtPxVxNx7EMhy-pgWx23d5j2jFQCp5ruFhGUBkZ2Hs2Ee9LsXFdQSXJH2FITJJLaqVm4TuLWdkYwujFDxZjkwlaT-xz1XHri-JsrWyghHjmZZxP6xwi9MNKTptdzZnQ/s1600/amazon-order.png" /></a></div>
Trust me. If you spend half an hour shopping online for Green Giant mushrooms you won’t give a crap that Karl Rove thinks Hillary Clinton has brain damage.<br />
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And finally ... FOOTWEAR. I found these swell fake suede mules for huge feet at <a href="http://roamans.com/" target="_blank">Roamans.com</a> in a pleasant neutral color that — for once — isn’t basic black. For me the big selling point is the “roomy toe box” because senior citizens with diabetes have to look out for blisters. Even though I never leave the house it’s nice to have new shoes once in while.<br />
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And now it’s finally time for dinner! Sam has expressed a serious interest in a couple of bunless microwaved bacon cheeseburgers and I’m considering leftover Chinese followed by low-carb chocolate chip cookies. Thank you for reading this.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-18084569458068194772014-05-18T10:36:00.000-05:002014-05-18T17:46:46.535-05:00Nothing says “get well soon” like teeny tacos.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Costco emergency. </i></span></span><br />
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I woke up in the middle the night with a low blood sugar episode. And if that’s not lousy enough, at 4:30 a.m. I almost choked to death on a glucose tablet (they dissolve in your mouth like gigantic SweeTarts) and then coughed myself into a migraine headache by 5:45. I ask you, <i>who the hell needs this?</i> Thank God Sam is already on his way to Costco because nothing says “get well soon” like TEENY TACOS. The rest of Sam’s emergency shopping list includes: 1) a great big tub of tortellini salad with salami; 2) chicken tamales; 3) raspberries; 4) a box of frozen cooked Angus burgers with tasty grill marks; 5) salt & pepper pistachios; 6) whole mushrooms in a jar; and 7) breakfast burritos. Not everything is pictured below because I didn’t feel like it. Try to move on, okay?<br />
<a name='more'></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr_qIgSy3y_GVU9b7AXjW74AxhAOvfTlJLZ7SKO0U73NtA5l1WxIgwhFJOAc9kHMJGMqxa9tsHAaTub0Uv4R85h_daKkf-07uXhGION6IrzAOWkE2cZUX8JDy2j2zwOR_ZdB4ovaKXmu4/s1600/costco.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr_qIgSy3y_GVU9b7AXjW74AxhAOvfTlJLZ7SKO0U73NtA5l1WxIgwhFJOAc9kHMJGMqxa9tsHAaTub0Uv4R85h_daKkf-07uXhGION6IrzAOWkE2cZUX8JDy2j2zwOR_ZdB4ovaKXmu4/s1600/costco.png" /></a></div>There really isn’t anything else to report right now so I’ll be back later after a nap and write something substantial. Enjoy your Sunday, people.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-42605924151664050292014-05-17T19:24:00.000-05:002014-05-17T19:43:44.238-05:00I never thought it would be such a huge hoo-hah to find a comfortable and reliable place to sit down.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Grout people, seating issues. </i></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0lV9d-o6gbzPxOuA0Rs_TbTXaBl7Qd0QMcuHjO_XlD4mdf2IDlE3PBnnQYdPE__eof5ByxT6eoaR0dUzeHkeM-7PkKeapHPQf38yJcFKQrh8WLZmhB4li7uovRnK0vTblY70Zr6f07cI/s1600/grout.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0lV9d-o6gbzPxOuA0Rs_TbTXaBl7Qd0QMcuHjO_XlD4mdf2IDlE3PBnnQYdPE__eof5ByxT6eoaR0dUzeHkeM-7PkKeapHPQf38yJcFKQrh8WLZmhB4li7uovRnK0vTblY70Zr6f07cI/s1600/grout.png" /></a></div>
Clayton, leader of the grout people, dropped in this morning to assess the latest crisis with the shower in our master bathroom. To help him better understand where the current leak is coming from Sam jumped into a Speedo, turned on the water full blast and sat on the bench in the shower until a visible little puddle began to form on the bathroom floor. It was pure genius. Clayton realized that his crew didn’t re-hang the frame and glass correctly four visits ago so he volunteered to hire REAL GLASS PEOPLE to redo it from scratch sometime next week.<br />
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As far as I’m concerned this is impressive as hell. Sam and I were expecting a battle and I was fully prepared to start smacking somebody in the head with my cane. (Clayton, for instance.)<br />
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Breaking news. A couple of hours ago Sam assembled the new Alera Merix 450 Series heavy-duty ergonomic mesh chair for big butts that I ordered last week from <a href="http://amazon.com/" target="_blank">Amazon</a>, which reluctantly agreed to pose for the portrait posted below.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn0j88cVjXzKoeqInUU0l0qAIRh777YQYSaO14JED7ZgoQpksFQF38UZa865_4fuJ5I-DsNez6ETzwxxDpevswF1FPjA9WGynViazsvL8bHhHMMPf_g3my__Ub1vufzaYjQgacbDOWtAE/s1600/new-mesh-chair.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn0j88cVjXzKoeqInUU0l0qAIRh777YQYSaO14JED7ZgoQpksFQF38UZa865_4fuJ5I-DsNez6ETzwxxDpevswF1FPjA9WGynViazsvL8bHhHMMPf_g3my__Ub1vufzaYjQgacbDOWtAE/s1600/new-mesh-chair.png" /></a></div>
Sadly, the Alera Merix 450 did NOT turn out to be a good fit for me. While it’s really well-made and nicely-shaped for butts of the larger persuasion, it’s also extremely NOT COMFORTABLE for a human such as myself who’s only 5'7" tall because the lowest seat setting is too high off the ground and the arm rests are too far back. So that it won’t be a total loss — and we won’t have to take the damn thing apart and spend any money to ship it back — Sam decided to keep it for himself. (He’s 6'5".) No kidding, people ... I never thought it would be such a huge hoo-hah to find a comfortable and reliable place to sit down. This was my fifth new chair in the last two years; most of them broke within the first 90 days. <i>I might have to get despondent about this. </i><br />
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Please feel free to cheer me up with Chinese food. Just <a href="http://garland.chinacitytx.com/products.html" target="_blank">click here</a> as soon as possible and order the following for delivery to Howdygram headquarters: S3 Hot & Sour Soup, G14 Shrimp Egg Foo Young and G16 Jalapeño Shrimp. Thank you. I already feel better.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-72159487382772950882014-05-16T19:09:00.000-05:002014-05-17T10:18:18.431-05:00Tens of millions forget to show up for Operation Putzfest.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Grout people, Cliven Bundy, Operation Putzfest. </i></span></span><br />
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Okay, first I have to apologize for lying in my <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-grout-people-have-to-come-back.html">last post</a>. Clayton, leader of the grout people, called about half an hour ago to ask if he could come over tomorrow instead of today because TRAFFIC and RUSH HOUR. Plus he knows Sam isn’t home tonight. <i>Wise move. </i>Clayton obviously realizes I plan to beat the living crap out of him and he thinks Sam would stop me. (He’d be wrong, by the way.)<br />
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I’ve got some breaking news right now from the ever-expanding universe of right-wing horseshit. Apparently the Bundy ranch camouflaged failuremen have decided to ask for financial support from the general public while they sit around polishing grenades in the Nevada desert to protect Cliven Bundy’s God-given right to steal from the United States. <br />
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One enterprising militiaman douchebag named Christopher Ferrell even set up a plea for money on GoFundMe because life as an anti-government patriot is expensive as well as unproductive. His page contains the following statement:<br />
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<i>I am coming to you to humbly ask for your help. We may be the front line soldiers facing down an overbearing government bureaucracy, but we are first off family men and women that have our own homes and jobs and families left behind to take on this endeavor. Therefore we have spent our fortunes for freedom and love of our fellow man and need your help to continue our efforts to keep all Americans free from tyranny. Please if you can spare even a few dollars for food, fuel and supplies to continue the stand against tyranny and an overbearing government please help. Even the smallest amount will help keep up the pressure to return this land to the people.</i></div>
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As you can see the welfare drive isn’t breaking any records. Ferrell brought in a total of $170 from five donors ... definitely shy of his $100,000 goal.<br />
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But wait ... <i>there’s more! </i>It seems that tens of millions of patriotic revolutionaries forgot to show up today for Operation <strike>American Spring</strike> Putzfest in Washington, D.C. “It’s a very dismal turnout,” Jackie Milton, the head of Texans for Operation American Spring, told The Washington Times. “We were getting over two inches of rain an hour in parts of Virginia this morning. Now it’s a nice sunny day. But this is a very poor turnout. It ain’t no millions. And it ain’t looking like there’s going to be millions. A hundred is more like it.” <i>Think of it as a Tupperware party with flags and banners.</i><br />
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<a href="http://rawstory.com/" target="_blank">Raw Story</a>, which was following the day’s events, reported that a live-stream was posted online but for most of the day the feed only aired a boring call-in show hosted by conservative radio host Mark Connors, who said he was “broadcasting from a tour bus about 10 miles away from the National Mall” because he couldn’t park any closer. <i>Actually, this event is such an embarrassment that Connors probably got lost on purpose somewhere in Virginia and doesn’t want to be found. </i>A caller from North Carolina said he was afraid that Obama would declare martial law and begin executing Christian citizens as a prelude to civil war, and another caller from Michigan said he had to sell his jet skis because Obama is poisoning the waterways with chemtrails.<br />
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So much for overthrowing the United States and installing a tribunal in the name of the Constitution.<i> Holy crap.</i><br />
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If anybody wants to split a pizza with me please raise your hand within the next ten minutes. Thank you.<br />
<br />Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-65075805166477941242014-05-16T16:16:00.000-05:002014-05-18T10:45:16.961-05:00The grout people have to come back today. Would anybody mind if I killed them?<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Diabetes bargains, caulking cretins. </i></span></span><br />
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It’s almost 3:30 in the afternoon here and my Friday is finally beginning to take shape. Let me see if I can sum it all up for you, okay?<br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 13.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">HUNGER.</span></b></span></span> I haven’t eaten since breakfast but I don’t expect you to feel sorry for me or anything because I’ve got leftover egg foo young and one egg roll.<br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 13.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">A LOW-CARB SHOPPING SPREE.</span></b></span></span> My Friday afternoon shopping spree included the following essential products from <a href="http://www.netrition.com/cgi/product_categories_display.cgi?categories=VLC&aid=3944" target="_blank">Netrition.com</a>. This is my first time trying Walden Farms’ zero-calorie Russian and thousand island dressings and I’m hoping they’re just as good as Walden Farms’ cole slaw goo. (Their cole slaw goo is OUTSTANDING.)</div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 13.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">DIABETES BARGAINS.</span></b></span></span> I also bought 150 FreeStyle Lite blood glucose test strips on eBay because I found two sellers offering them SUPER CHEAP: $17.29 for 50 and $38.98 for 100. As a point of reference, 50 FreeStyle Lite test strips usually sell for about $25 on eBay or $30 on Amazon. <i>If you’re stupid enough to buy them from a pharmacy with a doctor’s prescription you’ll end up blowing at least $60 just for your co-pay.</i> Trust me, eBay is the way to go for these damn things. I use about five test strips a day. (My fingers look like Swiss cheese.)<br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 13.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">THE GROUT PEOPLE ARE COMING BACK.</span></b></span></span> Yup, Clayton and his crew of caulking cretins will be here again today<i> </i>to figure out why the shower in our master bathroom is STILL LEAKING after seven annoying and sloppy attempts to fix the problems. (Check out my <a href="http://howdygram.blogspot.com/search/label/remodeling%20projects">previous posts</a>.) Last time he was here — about a week ago — Clayton actually accused us of <i>ripping out their caulk with our bare hands</i> (he neglected to explain why the hell we would do this) and then suggested we should try not to let the bench in our shower get wet. (Seriously.) After Sam and I stopped laughing he agreed to re-do the entire job. AND NOW IT’S LEAKING AGAIN. Frankly, I have no confidence whatsoever that they’ll ever get it right. Maybe today’s session will end better if I threaten to beat them unconscious with my cane. At least I’d get some exercise.</div>
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I should eat now. Food is good.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-17184224865737861942014-05-16T08:27:00.000-05:002014-05-16T12:59:17.798-05:00Dialysis ... what every diabetic wants for Hanukkah.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> The Death Pill, Sausage McMuffins. </i></span></span><br />
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About yesterday. I tried like the devil to write a Howdygram post — and failed miserably — because I had so much excruciating pain in my legs I couldn’t even sit at my desk. Once again I’m positive it’s my cholesterol medication that’s doing this. For a couple of years two “killer” statin drugs — Atorvastatin and Pravastatin — caused the same problem, so Dr. M switched me to Fenofibric Acid about five months ago. Here at Howdygram headquarters, however, Fenofibric Acid is frequently referred to as THE DEATH PILL because I’ve developed all of the following side effects: 1) severe muscle pain and tenderness; 2) stiffness; 3) muscle weakness; 4) exhaustion; 5) joint pain; 6) unintentional weight gain (it couldn’t be the Cheetos, right?); and 7) uncontrollable urination. And if that’s not crappy enough, the muscle pain can launch a VERY serious condition called <i>rhabdomyolysis</i>,<i> </i>in which muscle tissue tears away from the bone, muscle fibers enter the bloodstream and you wind up with acute renal failure. <i>Dialysis ... what every diabetic wants for Hanukkah.</i><br />
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So ... I stopped taking the Death Pill last night. I will never take it again for the rest of my life NO MATTER WHAT and I’ll share the news with Dr. M when I see her on May 29. In the meantime I wish I had a Sausage McMuffin from McDonald’s because it’s my favorite breakfast celebration not counting Hormel tamales in a can. <br />
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Thank you for reading this.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-14603110623982812192014-05-14T10:42:00.000-05:002014-05-18T06:04:09.638-05:00The right wing loves America so much they want to overthrow its Constitutionally-elected government.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Dietary needs, crackpots. </i></span></span><br />
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Apparently seven Internet trolls are really upset that I referred to Second Amendment activist Kory Watkins as a dipshit in a couple of recent Howdygram posts (click <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/meet-kory-watkins-ultimate-texas-dipshit.html">here</a> and <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/our-lawns-trees-and-reservoirs-are.html">here</a>) so I’ll be a gracious blogger and apologize for offending them. Kory Watkins is not a dipshit. KORY WATKINS IS A STUPID POO-POO HEAD WITH AN UNATTRACTIVE HAT. <i>Is that better? Is everybody happy now?</i><br />
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In breaking news from our Guess Who’s Going to the Store Right Now to Buy Me Things department, Sam is on his way to CVS to pick up my 30-day supply of insulin and then to Tom Thumb for 50 two-liter bottles of back-ordered Coke Zero (they were on sale a couple of weeks ago but the store ran out) and a package of Oscar Mayer Pickle & Pimiento Loaf, all of which are instrumental to my specific medical and dietary needs as a housebound senior citizen. Also braunschweiger.<br />
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God bless America, everybody. From a report this morning on <a href="http://rawstory.com/" target="_blank">Raw Story</a>, a band of revolutionary “patriots” will pile into Washington, D.C., this week to shove President Barack Obama and assorted other disloyal un-American lawmakers out of office. The big day is Friday. <br />
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According to retired Army Col. Harry Riley, the leader of Operation American Spring: “We are calling for the removal of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi and Eric Holder as a start toward constitutional restoration. They have all abandoned the U.S. Constitution and are unworthy to be retained in a position that calls for servant status.”<br />
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Operation American Spring’s goal is to establish lawmakers of their own choosing “to sponsor and pass very Constitutionally crafted State legislation to dissolve the size, powers, scope and spending of the U.S. Government by two-thirds” plus “incremental nullification” by state legislatures of “all withholding taxes, employment taxes, employer taxes, and income taxes.” These delusional dickheads seriously expect about 30 million Americans to join them on Friday in the nation’s capital. <i>This is INSANE. There isn</i><i>’t enough parking in Washington for 30 million pickup trucks!</i><br />
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One more thing. Operation American Spring also plans a concurrent sister event in Bunkerville, Nevada, where deranged militias continue to support welfare rancher Cliven Bundy, pictured at left, in his civil war with the federal government.<br />
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This is NOT going to end well, people. The last time somebody planned a massive right-wing rally in Washington to force President Obama out of office — truckers, remember? see my <a href="http://howdygram.blogspot.com/2013/10/yup-secret-race-of-lizard-people-runs.html" target="">previous post</a> — about 30 clowns showed up with signs spearheaded by political attention-whores Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin. Because they love America so much they want to overthrow its Constitutionally-elected government. Holy mother of crap.<br />
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Thank you for reading this.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-43480608038614609962014-05-13T23:25:00.002-05:002014-05-14T08:02:57.295-05:00This might be a fine time to continue kvetching about my health.<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Kvetch report, trolls, mysteries, big pizzas. </i></span></span><br />
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Since I really don’t have anything specific lined up for today’s Howdygram post I’m thinking this might be a fine time to bring back a favorite, time-tested topic: KVETCHING ABOUT MY HEALTH. For instance, my complaints <i>du jour</i> include: 1) severe muscle pain/fatigue in my shins, calves, thighs and lower back; 2) my body temperature is 95.4°; 3) a hangnail; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. To tell you the truth, items 1 and 2 make me want to lie down in the family room wrapped in Mr. Furry (my very fluffy faux mink blanket) and watch Margaret Rutherford movies in the dark until Sam gets home from work because it hurts too damn much to stand up or walk. Plus my digestion isn’t so good right now.<br />
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Mazel tov to me ... the Howdygram is having a record number of visitors today! Apparently a few rabid fans have been tweeting links to my posts about local Texas firearms lunatic Kory Watkins (click <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/meet-kory-watkins-ultimate-texas-dipshit.html">here</a> and <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/our-lawns-trees-and-reservoirs-are.html">here</a>) so everybody’s been dropping in to read the articles. One or two trolls (most likely Kory’s relatives) sent snotty comments — i.e., I’m delusional, I’m not a real American and I should move back to California — but I don’t give a crap about those. One commenter, however, inferred that it’s too bad I don’t appreciate living in a country that allows its citizens to defend themselves, and THIS is the pro-gun argument that pisses me off the most.<br />
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Pay attention, all you right-wing trolls: THE SECOND AMENDMENT PROTECTS THE RIGHT OF THE UNITED STATES TO FORM AN ARMED MILITIA and defend itself as a nation ... <i>NOT the right of a jerk like Kory Watkins to shop at Albertson’s and scare the living crap out of everybody with an ASSAULT RIFLE in his hand. </i>And as far as I can tell he has no legal right to wear that stupid fedora, either.<br />
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And now I think I’ll haul myself into the family room for a while and finish watching <i>The I Don</i><i>’t Care Girl </i>(1953) starring Mitzi Gaynor and David Wayne. The movie itself isn’t really great but Mitzi Gaynor is, and she’s fun to watch in almost anything. Also David Wayne.<br />
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Hey. Sam just got home with a GREAT BIG BOX OF COLD PIZZA so it’s time to shift my attention to what’s really important around here. Thank you for reading this.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7228327120631161993.post-41492301620878608042014-05-12T17:51:00.002-05:002014-05-12T17:51:54.046-05:00Our lawns, trees and reservoirs are laughing at the sky. <span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i><b>In this post:</b> Thunderstorms, return of the dipshit. </i></span></span><br />
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That sound you hear? THUNDERSTORMS! Big, fat, juicy thunderstorms with heavy rain and wind and lightning and garbage can lids twirling down the street. This is GLORIOUS, people! We’re expecting another three or more inches of rain by the time this weather event ends tomorrow afternoon. Our lawns, trees and reservoirs are laughing at the sky. The red star on the following map indicates Howdygram headquarters.<br />
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In other delusional news: 1) my mobile stylist will be here tomorrow morning to cut my hair; 2) I’ve got an insulin refill ready for pickup at CVS; and 3) I’ve started receiving FAN MAIL about my May 9 <a href="http://www.howdygram.blogspot.com/2014/05/meet-kory-watkins-ultimate-texas-dipshit.html">Howdygram post</a> featuring armed Texas dipshit Kory Watkins, founding member of Open Carry Texas and a candidate for Congress. In the photo below fashion-forward Kory is accessorizing for church with a fully-loaded Second Amendment Stick, which he carries everywhere he goes. <i>Big brave Kory!</i> (Somebody please call 911.) For the record, the rifle in this photograph is Russian-made because GOD BLESS AMERICA.<br />
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I need egg salad for dinner and I need it NOW. Thank you for putting up with me.Marcy Markshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11231205106169504443noreply@blogger.com0