The Howdygram

Today only! Free pancakes for everybody on earth!

2012-02-28T04:26:00.000-06:00

Thanks to that idiotic extended nap yesterday it’s after 4 a.m. and I’m still wide awake with my second full-strength Marcy-tini. To fill the time I just posted my recipe for Sugar-Free Black Bottom Banana Cream Pie and now, for your possible amusement, I’d like to share this fine photo of GOP funnyman Rick Santorum with his handsome wife and children.

Holy crap, wouldn’t they make us proud in the White House? (I honestly can’t believe I just typed that last sentence.)

Breaking news in case you’re hungry. Today is National Pancake Day and IHOP is offering everybody on earth a FREE “SHORT STACK” OF BUTTERMILK PANCAKES from 7 a.m. through 10 p.m. in return for a donation to the Children’s Miracle Network. Wow!

Please note: There is a $5.95 surcharge for syrup plus $2.95 for a 30-minute fork rental. (I might be kidding about this.)

Glorioski, I think I’m finally tired enough to go to bed. All I need is a quick slug of water and I’m done. Thank you for reading this!

Marcy’s sugar-free black bottom banana cream pie.

2012-02-28T02:58:00.000-06:00

This pie is so damn wonderful you won’t believe it, and it’s so easy you can throw it together in less than 10 minutes. If I can do it, anybody can do it.

2 large bananas, sliced
1 pkg. Jello Sugar-Free Banana Instant Pudding
1 pkg. Jello Sugar-Free Chocolate Fudge Instant Pudding
2 cups cold nonfat milk, divided
1 cup thawed sugar-free Cool Whip
1 sugar-free Fifty50™ graham cracker pie crust

Prepare chocolate fudge pudding with ¾ cup milk and pour into your pie crust. Top with the sliced bananas (you don’t have to be too neat if nobody’s looking). Prepare banana pudding with remaining 1¼ cups of milk, pour over the layer of sliced bananas and refrigerate for at least one hour. Top with Cool Whip before serving.

The best way to eat this pie is all by yourself. Just store it in the refrigerator in a plastic container marked “leftover liver.” I’m serious.

It’s sing-along time with Rick Santorum: “Send in the Clowns.”

2012-02-27T21:41:00.000-06:00

Hi, boys and girls. Before I leap into this post’s primary topic I need to mention that I’m feeling a little upside-down right now after an afternoon nap that went awry. At 3:30 I stretched out on our chaise in the family room to watch Seven Days in May on TCM, conked out and didn’t open my eyes until 7. That’s a 3½-hour nap I didn’t need and definitely wasn’t expecting, which means I’ll be up all night long annoying you because I can’t fall asleep.

For your possible interest here are several exciting treasures that I bought online today: 1) two gigantic bottles of Gain lavender-scented detergent and two bottles of Scope from Walmart; and 2) a dozen cans of Loma Linda “Fried Chik’n” — GOD BLESS FAKE MEAT WITH GRAVY! — from Amazon.com along with hardcover biographies of Myrna Loy and Clifton Webb, two of my favorite golden-era Hollywood personalities.

FYI, this is the first time I’m buying these huge bottles of detergent with TWO CAPS and I’m confused. Please send an email if you know what the hell they’re for because I’m way too old to start screwing up the laundry. Thank you in advance.

And now I’d personally like to extend my heartfelt thanks to GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum. The fact that he’s such an incompetent and frightening boob means he’s handing a second term to President Obama ... and that’s just fine with me! Santorum announced today in Lansing, Michigan, that it was HIGH GAS PRICES — not cheesy balloon mortgages or illegal activities on Wall Street — that collapsed the housing market in 2008 and created the current economic slump. He said: “We need to look at the situation with gas prices today. We went into a recession in 2008 because of gasoline prices. The bubble burst in housing because people couldn’t pay their mortgages because they were looking at $4 a gallon gasoline.” Seriously, Rick? You think that AIG and all those big banks and investment houses went bankrupt because of GAS PRICES?

For the record, this is the same whack-job who: 1) doesn’t believe in the constitutional separation of church and state; 2) wants to forbid women in the military from combat; 3) promotes home-schooling instead of public education; 4) wants to install hardcore Catholicism as a national religion; 5) believes that elitist, left-wing snobs like President Obama — seriously? — are forcing America’s pure and conservative children into college, where they’re indoctrinated with dangerous liberal doctrine; and 6) hopes to legislate everything that goes on under women’s skirts, including access to contraception.

Holy crap, people. This jerk’s theme song should be “Send in the Clowns.”

It’s getting late so I think I’ll pop open a can of Loma Linda Swiss Stake for dinner (a carton of 12 arrived today from Amazon), steam a sack of frozen vegetables and watch “People’s Court.” Afterwards, just for fun, I might fold socks and file my nails. You can come over if you want to, okay?

I love my life. Thank you for reading this.

Good movies, swell latkes and a Googled pie.

2012-02-27T04:35:00.001-06:00

I’ve got something really important to tell you so please stop checking your Facebook page for two minutes and pay attention. The new season of “Deadliest Catch” — the Discovery Channel’s hit series about lunatics hunting for crab off the coast of Alaska — will premier on April 12. This is the only reality show that Sam will watch and it’s positively INCREDIBLE in high definition. As a matter of fact, “Deadliest Catch” might be the #1 best reason to use your tax refund to buy an HD-TV. I mean this sincerely.

There’s not much else to report unless you’d like to know that we had a nice lunch on Sunday at Mariano’s Hacienda. Then, following an intense two-hour nap that I really didn’t need, I made a swell batch of “latkes” and a sugar-free banana cream pie for dinner, after which we enjoyed a couple of excellent movies: What Price Hollywood — the original, racier version of A Star Is Born from 1932 — with Constance Bennett and After the Thin Man (1936) with William Powell and Myrna Loy. Photos of everything appear below for your possible interest, although I’d better confess that I Googled the pie photo because I don’t own white plates and I don’t know how to squirt fancy whipped cream from a pastry bag.

Holy crap, it’s 4:30 in the morning and I haven’t been to bed yet! I should probably give it a shot or I’ll look like a raccoon for the rest of the day. Thank you for reading this.

Hollywood’s 84th celebration for overpaid narcissists.

2012-02-26T06:32:00.001-06:00

The Academy Awards are on tonight. I haven’t seen this show in YEARS for several excellent reasons: 1) I refuse to give up three hours of my life watching the current crop of overpaid narcissists handing prizes to each other; 2) Ronald Colman, William Holden, Walter Huston, Melvyn Douglas, Errol Flynn and Cary Grant are not on the list of presenters; and 3) I haven’t set foot in a movie theater since 1997. Regardless, I’m pleased to provide the following in case you need a visual for item 2.

Even though Sam just woke up and started the coffee I think I’ll go back to bed for a while because it’s still dark outside and my feet are cold. Say hi to the family for me when you have a chance.

I don’t care what anybody says. The dust bowl is lousy entertainment.

2012-02-25T22:21:00.001-06:00

I just escaped from the family room where Sam is watching The Grapes of Wrath, the most wretched, joyless and demoralizing movie on God’s green earth. The first ten minutes are enough to make me suicidal but most of the time I can’t even get past the CREDITS.

The Grapes of Wrath (1940) is based on John Steinbeck’s novel about destitute Oklahoma sharecroppers forced off their land by meanies during the “dust bowl” (in the early 1930s) and how they shlep to California crammed in a Beverly Hillbillies truck to look for work as migrant farm laborers. Grandma and Grandpa are lucky enough to die along the way but everybody else eventually gets to pick oranges for 2½¢ a bucket while being tormented by evil cops and snotty vigilantes, and if you bruise any of the fruit they HANG YOU. Okay, maybe not, but it’s definitely terrible with no sanitation or running water, everybody’s starving, and poor Tom Joad (played by Henry Fonda), who spent the best years of his life in prison, is always on the lam from one sheriff or another because he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer and everything he does — even the good stuff — turns out like crap. Henry is third from the left in the photo (above). I can’t remember the name of the goat.

Click here to purchase this sparkling comedy for $7.49 from Amazon.

Today’s pet peeve. Pointless concepts like “Navy pilots.” I mean, why would a person join the Navy to fly? Isn’t this basically just as stupid as “An RKO Radio Picture”?

I guess that about wraps it up for tonight since it’s time to head back to the kitchen to wash a frying pan and make a sugar-free banana cream pie. Due to the late hour, however, I’ll probably just eat the last piece of cake and make my pie tomorrow.

Thank you for reading this.

Three quick things from your pals at the Howdygram.

2012-02-25T06:44:00.000-06:00

Dawn is breaking in Howdygramland and I’ve got three quick things to share before I go back to bed.

First quick thing. I flipped out this week for sugar-free powdered Nesquik and just ordered two more one-pound canisters for the pantry, this time from Walmart because only an orphanage for diabetics would buy a case of 12 from Amazon.com. This stuff makes milk taste like a candy bar and it’s infinitely better than sugar-free Hershey’s syrup which is really crappy even on ice cream. (And it’s not easy to ruin ice cream.)

Second quick thing. Because I also discovered that DaVinci Gourmet’s sugar-free banana syrup mixed up in my aforementioned chocolate milk is TO DIE FOR, I just ordered sugar-free raspberry and sugar-free caramel as part of my effort to develop new and exciting non-carbonated beverages. The Marcy-tini will NEVER go out of style but every girl could use a little variety once in a while.

Third quick thing. Sam and I watched a priceless movie last night. In Old Arizona (1928) was 20th Century Fox’s first talkie and featured Warner Baxter, Edmund Lowe and Dorothy Burgess.

Apparently director Raoul Walsh had no clue yet that dialog was the key element of a talking picture, since the characters had nothing of value to say to each other — or to anybody else, for that matter — and Warner Baxter’s accent as the Cisco Kid kept drifting between Transylvanian and French. (It was so bad that Sam originally thought he was Bela Lugosi with a perm.) Baxter won a Best Actor Oscar for his ~~hair~~ performance. I’m guessing he ran unopposed.

As far as I know we have no discernible plans for the weekend other than eating things, taking naps and enjoying the glorious spring weather. I’ve got my fingers crossed for Chinese food but I’ll leave that up to Sam. Stay tuned for all the details, okay?

By the time you figure out how to open the package your friends have moved on to pretzels.

2012-02-24T22:32:00.000-06:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a Howdygram product review but I’m feeling inspired after trying Orville Redenbacher’s Pop Up Bowl microwave popcorn. Sam bought this several months ago and it’s been hanging out at the back of the pantry ever since, mostly because Sam — who’s clever, well-educated and extremely coordinated — couldn’t figure out how to open the damn bag.

Aside from the fact that Pop Up Bowls are overpriced and stupid, I’ve got a number of random yet essential thoughts to share with you.

Orville Redenbacher’s Pop Up Bowls contain very little popcorn, and they’re shaped more like canoes than actual, you know, BOWLS.
Due to item #1 above you’re warned not to use the popcorn setting on your microwave.
About a third of the kernels don’t pop; everything else burns.
You need a master’s degree in civil engineering to open the package, and by the time you figure it out all your friends have moved on to pretzels.
I don’t get the point of this product. Why would Orville Redenbacher’s marketing Einsteins conclude that the average consumer can’t open a traditional bag of popcorn and pour it into a bowl?

Time to join Sam in the family room so we can eat things and watch today’s episode of “People’s Court.” Thanks for stopping by.

Meet Victoza’s poster child for lousy lifestyles.

2012-02-24T20:13:00.002-06:00

Before I leap into my rant du jour I’d like to mention that my new TELESCOPING BACKSCRATCHER came today! It’s bigger — seven teeth instead of five — than the old one that broke 10 days ago and covers a lot more territory without dislocating your shoulder in the process. I’m really excited and think we should all order them for every room of the house. My new one has a blue handle but you can also get pink, genuine wood or all-aluminum. (All-aluminum goes with everything.) Click here to shop now.

As promised, it’s time for today’s hysterical outburst. I’ve been holding back on this topic since last month when Paula Deen, the Food Network’s southern-fried Queen of Butter, announced that she’s had type 2 diabetes since 2008 but didn’t want anybody to know until now because she just signed a multi-million dollar deal with pharma giant Novo Nordisk to promote and endorse Victoza, the most expensive “designer” diabetes drug on the planet. (I should know. I inject it every morning.) Confused? Don’t be. The same woman who earns her fortune on TV pushing outrageously high-fat, high-sugar, high-carb recipes that can cause, exacerbate and advance a potentially life-threatening disease now collects a substantial extra paycheck as Victoza’s poster child for lousy lifestyles. And she’s taking a lot of crap from her fans, peers and the public in general. Me included.

As far as I’m concerned everything about Paula Deen is hypocritical and phony, from her syrupy personality to those blinding white dental veneers. Food columnist Paolo Lucchesi complained “there was not one modicum of regret or culpability for her entire persona and recipe encyclopedia, which is pretty much a butter-lubed bobsled ride to Diabetesville.” And TV chef Anthony Bourdain added, “I should get into the leg-breaking business so I can profitably sell crutches later.” (I love this guy.)

Out of curiosity, if you haven’t seen Paula cook and eat her famous half-pound “heart attack” burger between two Krispy Kreme donuts you might want to check out the video from an earlier Howdygram post, which makes it pretty clear why Novo Nordisk is so damn excited to have her on board. (Keep in mind ... Paula already knew she was diabetic when she filmed this episode.)

Holy crap, I’m STARVING. I think I’ll mosey into the kitchen and open a can of fake meat for dinner with a bag of steamed vegetables and watch tonight’s episode of “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.” Thanks for stopping by.

Sucking TicTacs for fun and profit.

2012-02-24T04:13:00.000-06:00

It’s the middle of the night here in Howdygramland and I don’t know why I’m not asleep. Sam and I watched the last half of Amadeus when he got home from work last night and I really thought I was tired when we shut down the TV and went to bed at 12:45. Well, I guess not! About half an hour later I popped out of bed — wide awake — and decided to write a post and horse around online for a while. Thank you for hanging out with me.

I don’t know if anybody cares or not, but Chicago is in the middle of a snowstorm right now that’s called a “Saskatchewan Screamer.” I have no idea what this means but apparently they’ll have something substantial to shovel in the morning. (Better them than me.)

And now for a brief recap of “Top Chef ,” which continues to sink to new depths for manufactured drama, annoying product placement and contestants void of any discernible talent. Judging from comments I’ve read all over the Internet, nobody — including me — gives a flying crap who wins this thing next week. Even though all the challenges have been staged here in Texas, the season’s three-part finale has been filmed in a blizzard on top of Whistler Mountain in Vancouver, British Columbia, but nobody has bothered to explain why.

For your possible interest here’s an image of this season’s cheftestants, doctored in Photoshop by a blogger named Deeky. (The faces are all his; the bodies belong to the sleazebags of “Jersey Shore.”)

Holy crap, it’s already after 4 a.m. and I haven’t had any sleep! I’d really like to sneak into the kitchen for a snack and a Marcy-tini but I don’t want to: 1) wake Sam by making noise; and 2) end up with indigestion. Maybe I’ll just suck one last TicTac and try going back to bed. Thank you for reading this.

Sock-folding party starts at 8. Reservations suggested.

2012-02-23T18:28:00.000-06:00

I just got home from the salon and feel absolutely STUNNING. Okay, maybe that’s an overstatement. I actually feel slightly less frumpy than I did a couple of hours ago. I got a nice haircut and my eyebrows waxed at Vince’s in Garland and then drove around for a few minutes to enjoy the 80° weather. That’s my entire Thursday in a nutshell except for eating leftover fake canned meat for lunch and watching an exceptionally funny movie: The Guardsman (1931) with Alfred Lunt, Lynn Fontanne and Roland Young. This was the film version of their hit Broadway comedy from 1924 and I definitely want to see it again. Maybe even tonight right after “Project Runway All Stars.”

The rest of my Thursday night agenda includes dinner and folding laundry. If you want to stop by for a sock-folding party I plan to begin around 8 p.m. local time, so send me an email if this sounds like an activity that interests you. Snacks will be provided.

Thank you for reading this.

Marcy’s feast for the gods.

2012-02-22T23:43:00.000-06:00

Holy crap and glorioski ... FAKE MEAT IN A CAN IS INCREDIBLE. I tried the Loma Linda “Swiss Stake” for dinner tonight and I’m hooked. You get four fully-cooked patties in a can, and they’re made from soy, rolled oats and egg whites, have lots of protein and almost no fat and actually taste like beef with savory gravy. However I strongly suggest dining by candlelight because they look a lot like Alpo. Two patties are enough for a meal.

For your possible interest, my complete dinner menu also included cole slaw, a pair of green olives and a glass of chocolate milk made with sugar-free Nesquik. A feast for the gods!

Apparently Sam is being held hostage at the office tonight because he should’ve been home two hours ago and I haven’t heard from him since he walked out the door at 1:15 this afternoon. It sure would be nice to see his face and watch him eat graham crackers. Incidentally, Sam is exceptionally entertaining and it’s also fun to watch him eat baby carrots, cereal, raisins, vanilla wafers and brownies.

Thanks for stopping by. Please turn out the light when you’re through, okay?

Introducing Nepal’s latest claim to fame.

2012-02-22T19:25:00.000-06:00

Thanks to a pair of thrilling late-afternoon UPS deliveries it’s been another historic day here in Howdygramland. Take a look at the following incredible treasures that arrived today.

I’m so excited about these crazy cans of fake vegetarian meat that I don’t know which one to open first! I might smash some of that canned “Swiss Stake” into a Fifty50 pie crust and wash it down with big glass of sugar-free Nesquik chocolate milk. Plus a few green olives because green olives are wonderful with anything. Okay, maybe not. But I’m definitely HUNGRY, and since Sam is at work and I don’t have any plans tonight aside from folding sheets and watching this week’s episode of “Top Chef,” I can pretty much do (and eat) whatever the hell I want. God bless America.

In breaking news from our I’ve Eaten Burritos Bigger Than This department, Chandra Bahadur Dangi, 72, of rural Nepal (see below), arrived in Katmandu earlier today to meet with officials from the Guinness Book of World Records. The teeny dude is only 22 inches tall and believes he’ll be named World’s Shortest Man. I’m sure this must be a huge deal in Nepal, since up till now Mount Everest has been their only real tourist attraction.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

It’s almost impossible to get pasta to smile. I tried.

2012-02-21T17:30:00.000-06:00

Breaking news! Howdygram headquarters just received a truckload of fantastic Tuesday afternoon crap from Amazon.com. This includes six bags of Bear Creek Chicken Noodle Soup mix, six boxes of exceptionally healthy Dreamfields Elbow Macaroni and — let’s hear a great big yee-haw for this one — three boxes of Liberty Orchards’ Fruit Delights, all of which posed for the portrait posted below. For the record, it’s almost impossible to get pasta to smile. I tried.

And now for something completely different. I just found this hilarious clip on Foodbeast of Conan O’Brien and a pal dining out and decided to share it with y’all, mostly because I’ve actually eaten at the soul food restaurant in this video. (This was many years ago when I had a love/hate relationship with my arteries.)

But wait, there’s more! In a seemingly desperate attempt to steal business from its competitors, Wienerschnitzel is proud to announce the rebirth of its inexplicable “Sea Dog” ... a skinny slab of fried fish on a hotdog bun with tartar sauce, which makes almost as much sense as Long John Silver’s selling pizza shaped like a salmon.

I’d better get back to my mountain of laundry. I’ll try to post again later if I’m not too busy horsing around with socks. Thank you for reading this.

And the celebration continues!

2012-02-21T04:07:00.000-06:00

After an exhaustive late-night Google search because I can’t sleep, the Howdygram is pleased to continue honoring Presidents’ Day with a comprehensive list of the favorite foods enjoyed by all 44 of our fearless leaders.

1. GEORGE WASHINGTON: fish and ice cream. We’re not sure if that meant together or in succession, but George was a hemp farmer so anything’s possible.

2. JOHN ADAMS: Indian pudding. Minus the feathers and arrows.

3. THOMAS JEFFERSON: Ice cream.

4. JAMES MADISON: Ice cream. Apparently this is all the White House had in stock between 1789 and 1817.

5. JAMES MONROE: Fried chicken.

6. JOHN QUINCY ADAMS: Fresh fruit. Nerd.

7. ANDREW JACKSON: French food.

8. MARTIN VAN BUREN: All I could find was “oysters and donuts.” I wonder if Imodium had been invented yet.

9. WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON: Burgoo stew.

10. JOHN TYLER: Pudding.

11. JAMES K. POLK: Corn pone. Try to type that without wetting your pants.

12. ZACHARY TAYLOR: Creole food.

13. MILLARD FILLMORE: Soup. Yawn.

14. FRANKLIN PIERCE: Fried clams.

15. JAMES BUCHANAN: Fresh butter. Paula Deen’s primary food group.

16. ABRAHAM LINCOLN, man of the people: chicken fricassee and herbed biscuits.

17. ANDREW JOHNSON: Popcorn. Probably the giant bucket with extra butter and a side order of Sno Caps.

18. I have no idea what ULYSSES S. GRANT ate, but he was a huge dude so we’re guessing he did double bacon cheeseburgers providing you could find them in 1869.

19. RUTHERFORD B. HAYES: cornmeal battercakes. Sounds like a 19th century version of unicorn poop pancakes.

20. JAMES GARFIELD loved squirrel soup, thereby earning the Howdygram Prize for Most Disgusting Palate. I refused to Google a photo of this so let’s pretend he liked lasagna.

21. CHESTER ALAN ARTHUR: Mutton chops and beer. Very studly.

22. GROVER CLEVELAND: Corned beef and cabbage.

23. BENJAMIN HARRISON: Blue-point oysters.

24. GROVER CLEVELAND: See #22.

25. WILLIAM McKINLEY: Eggs. Wow. A gourmet.

26. Apparently TEDDY ROOSEVELT put down his big stick long enough to do fried chicken and gravy.

27. WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT weighed almost 350 pounds and got stuck in his bathtub on Inauguration Day, March 1909. He loved deviled almonds. Probably by the ton.

28. WOODROW WILSON: Ham and fruit cobbler. Somebody show me a recipe for this one.

29. WARREN G. HARDING: Chicken pot pie.

30. CALVIN COOLIDGE: Pickles. Seriously.

31. HERBERT HOOVER: Corn soup. With or without cobs?

32. FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT loved greasy crap just like cousin Teddy: grilled cheese.

33. HARRY S. TRUMAN: Fried chicken.

34. DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER: TV dinners. Such as those tacky 1950s foil trays with fried fetal chicken parts and deflated little peas.

35. JOHN F. KENNEDY: Clam chowder.

36. LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON was a fan of sweet potato casserole with marshmallows. Me, too.

37. RICHARD NIXON: Meatloaf.

38. GERALD FORD: Waffles with strawberries. I wonder if he knew my mother-in-law.

39. JIMMY CARTER: Red beans and rice.

40. RONALD REAGAN: Macaroni and cheese.

41. GEORGE H.W. BUSH: I have no idea what he loves, but it’s common knowledge that he hates broccoli.

42. BILL CLINTON. McDonald’s cheeseburgers. Followed by a quadruple bypass.

43. GEORGE W. BUSH, the eternal frat boy: pretzels.

44. BARACK OBAMA: Hawaiian pizza. You know, with ham and pineapple. I never realized people actually ate this.

A presidential celebration, an early spring and God bless leftovers.

2012-02-20T18:29:00.000-06:00

In honor of Presidents’ Day I briefly considered a one-day shutdown of the Howdygram but ultimately recognized the stupidity of that decision since it would only serve to confuse the majority of our readers who live in foreign countries such as Latvia, Portugal, Morocco, Australia, India, Denmark and South Dakota. Therefore, allow me to shout “mazel tov” to George and Abe as we celebrate their birthdays here in the United States, a holiday that’s commemorated by withholding mail delivery and closing financial institutions even though you can still withdraw $50 with your ATM card at Walmart.

Later today at Howdygram headquarters I’ll hold my own private party with cake and singing but for the moment these plans are in serious jeopardy because I’m feeling somewhat nauseated. This is most likely the result of: 1) Republicans; 2) a lingering headache; and 3) Einsteins in general. Please note that numbers 1 and 3 are frequently interchangeable.

Hey, nerds ... take a look at our four-day forecast!

The weather here is GORGEOUS and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we need air conditioning by mid-week. This is warmer than usual for February in the Dallas area because our average high temperature right now should be 62°. This is not a complaint. I think 75° and 77° are swell, and I’ll bet you do, too. If you want to come over to enjoy some warm weather please send an email to reserve our guest room. Thank you.

And now it’s time for my Monday night movie recommendations! The following three gems are on TCM tonight for your possible interest. (Times shown are central standard.)

7:00 p.m., The Smiling Lieutenant (1931) with Maurice Chevalier, Claudette Colbert and Miriam Hopkins. An adorable and racy Ernst Lubitsch musical. You have to see it to believe it.
9:00 p.m., The Third Man (1949) with Joseph Cotten and Orson Welles. Compelling suspense drama set in post-war Austria with an unforgettable sound track. (The sound track is actually my favorite part!)
11:00 p.m., Amadeus (1984) with Tom Hulce and F. Murray Abraham. An amazing spectacle that’s worth seeing for the costumes and music alone.

Also, please don’t forget to record “Clinton” on PBS tonight because a person can’t watch everything all at the same time even with a lot of popcorn.

Thanks for stopping by. I’m going to take a hot shower now and heat up leftover soup for dinner. God bless leftovers. Seriously.

An addendum to my previous post.

2012-02-19T21:13:00.001-06:00

Breaking news. The four-hour, two-part PBS special presentation of “Clinton” isn’t on tonight after all. It’s on tomorrow (Monday) and Tuesday instead. So much for believing everything you read online. I was a little irritated when I realized I had the wrong information but it’s not a total loss because we’re watching Fiddler on the Roof instead. All of a sudden I’ve got a craving for gefilte fish.

Incidentally, here’s a little Fiddler trivia. Take a wild guess who wanted the role of Tevye in the movie version.

Seriously. FRANK SINATRA. This makes as much sense as Shirley MacLaine as Golde and Dean Martin as Lazar Wolf the butcher. Gouge my eyes out.

Thank you for reading this.

When did crazy become the new normal for Republicans?

2012-02-19T18:58:00.000-06:00

Hi, boys and girls! I apologize that it’s taken me all day to write this post but I’ve been busy with a variety worthwhile weekend projects (translation: eating cake and taking naps) here at Howdygram headquarters. Thank you for your support.

From our Let’s Try Giving Them Away department, now through March 5 participating Burger King restaurants are offering a BOGO (buy one get one free) deal on their chicken sandwiches, which includes the Original Chicken Sandwich, the Chicken Club Sandwich and the Italian Chicken Sandwich. I’m not sure this is really as exciting as it sounds.

In case you don’t have anything special on your agenda tonight you might want to watch “Clinton” on PBS. It’s a two-part, four-hour look at his life and complex presidency. Here in Texas the program starts at 8; the second part airs tomorrow night. I’ll make popcorn if I can find some in the pantry.

And now let’s take a closer look at the terrifying insanity of GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum. This is the Einstein whose 18th century hard-core religious beliefs compel him to publicly denounce:

Pornography in any form whatsoever.
Contraception because he says it’s dangerous and doesn’t work.
Abortion, even in cases of rape, because these babies are “gifts from God.”
President Obama’s entire political agenda because it’s not “based on the Bible.”
Our national health insurance mandate for free pre-natal care for pregnant women, because it’s actually President Obama’s secret cover-up plan to cull potentially disabled Americans from the population. Santorum believes that women who have access to free pre-natal care will automatically ask for an abortion if they find out they’re carrying a “defective fetus.”

And if that’s not enough to scare the crap out of you, when Santorum’s wife miscarried in 1996 they took the corpse, whom they named Gabriel, home to introduce “your brother Gabriel” to the other children. My question is, when did crazy become the new normal for Republicans? WAKE UP, PEOPLE.

Thank you for putting up with me. It’s time for dinner.

Clever chemical cupcakes and gingerbread Lakers steal the show.

2012-02-19T04:53:00.000-06:00

Hello and how’s the family. The rain finally stopped around midnight here in north Texas. But despite the weather, yesterday was a lovely and thoroughly unproductive day that included sleeping through two movies ... Journey to the Center of the Earth with James Mason — a long-time favorite of mine since I first saw it in the theaters in 1959 — and 90 minutes of infuriating pro-Stalin propaganda called Mission to Moscow with Walter Huston that actually tries to portray the Soviet Union as a misunderstood nation of progressive, freedom-loving patriots. I thought my brain would blow up.

I should probably add that Mission to Moscow was made during World War II at the request of President Roosevelt, who wanted to drum up some American support for our Soviet allies. It didn’t work and the movie is outrageous crap.

Remember your middle school science class? Somebody named Rachel produced 118 cupcakes (see below) for her chemical engineering department at work … one for each known chemical element in the periodic table. These are so adorable I’ll take half a dozen Hydrogens, please.

I’m also pleased to include this image of the Los Angeles Lakers posing as gingerbread cookies, which are being sold at the Staples Center to raise money for the team’s youth foundation. Two reviewers said the cookies are hard as granite with no flavor whatsoever. (Next year they should hire Rachel to bake cupcakes.)

I need more sleep. If you plan to hang around for a while please keep the noise down and turn out the lights when you’re through. Thank you.

Creepy Einsteins and twisted role models.

2012-02-18T14:09:00.000-06:00

Surprise! The only story in the news today is Whitney Houston’s funeral somewhere in bowels of New Jersey, with live video coverage plastered across the front of every major — and minor — news website in the country. I don’t get this, folks. She’s being treated like a fallen head of state — a national treasure who led a meaningful life of public service — rather than a has-been last-century singer whose addictions to crack and alcohol drove her into poverty and then killed her. And of course, America’s unrelenting opportunists extraordinaire, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, are front and center heading up the cast of today’s all-star mourners. All of these fine citizens are pictured below for your possible interest.

I apologize if you think this post is crabby and cynical. Truth is, I’m just sick and tired of creepy Einsteins and twisted role models.

Thank you for reading this. I desperately need a Marcy-tini and a two-hour nap.

P.S. It’s still raining. Yay.

It’s a wonderful day to be alive and don’t forget to floss.

2012-02-18T06:58:00.000-06:00

It’s raining in north Texas. Hard. According to Weather.com we’ve had 1¼ inches since 2 a.m. with at least another inch or two expected by the end of the day. The current weather map is posted below for your possible interest with a teeny red star indicating Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in, I’m the one in a pink robe sucking TicTacs. (Our drought is over, by the way.)

In a temporary fit of unexplained passion I just ordered some Liberty Orchards Sugar-Free Fruit Delights on Amazon.com ... three boxes for $15.77 with free two-day shipping. Just in case you don’t know whether or not this is a great deal, if you shop on Liberty Orchard’s website the same three boxes cost $53.80 ($13.95 per box and $11.95 to ship). Holy crap, right?

The Howdygram is pleased to relay the following breaking news from Foodbeast. On March 8 Taco Bell will introduce NACHO CHEESE DORITOS TACO SHELLS in its restaurants throughout the United States, and they’ve even got a real-time countdown on their website in case you’re one of those screwballs who always has to be first in line. Apparently there’s a frightening population of Taco Bell fanatics who’ve been begging for these for years. All I can say is, it’s a wonderful day to be alive and don’t forget to floss.

And now for a thrilling product announcement from Nabisco! Apart from being the world’s top selling cookie (really?) Oreos will celebrate their 100th birthday on March 6 with a limited-edition batch of BIRTHDAY-CAKE OREOS that will be available in stores nationwide starting next week.

I have no idea what’s actually different about these other than a teeny “100” stamped on the cookie and all those flecks of inedible dyed glitter injected into the filling. Enjoy. Seriously.

I’d better go back to bed now even though we have no plans today due to the weather plus the fact that Sam is working from home this weekend and has to stay close to his computer. The last part of that sentence is actually not as bad as it sounds because we get to hang around in pajamas, watch a couple of movies and I’ll make a big matzo omelet for lunch.

Thank you for reading this.

Grady and Hiram achieve greatness as grand champion nerds.

2012-02-17T22:16:00.000-06:00

A little while ago I was feeling dopey about my earlier post, the one where I bragged about the product reviews I’ve posted on Amazon.com during the last year and a half. Although I’m listed as a “Top Reviewer” because other shoppers like what I write and find my reviews helpful — and this is certainly a gratifying aspect of my life in semi-retirement — I’m not even remotely close to the grand champion nerds on Amazon’s “Hall of Fame” list. I refer specifically to the two individuals pictured below.

Grady, who has reached “Hall of Fame” status for six straight years, has posted 6,868 product reviews and received 73,385 thumbs-up votes from grateful Amazon shoppers. Hiram, with 5,140 reviews, is closing in quickly. While both gentlemen appear normal — with the possible exception of Grady’s wardrobe choices — their accomplishments simply underscore how far I need to go to achieve greatness.

While I ponder my many shortcomings I just got a call from Sam, announcing that he’s “running late” at work and doesn’t know what time he’ll be able to leave. In the meantime I think I’ll shop online for a buffet lamp to replace the one I broke half an hour ago when I knocked it over in the foyer. Stay tuned for additional details as they become available.

Thank you for reading this.

Unforgettable crap, stiff knees and plenty of boobies.

2012-02-17T17:43:00.000-06:00

There’s nothing much to do today except pick up a prescription at Walmart so I just spent an hour and half posting new product reviews on Amazon.com for all the excellent, unforgettable crap I’ve been ordering during the past couple of months, such as Yehuda matzo farfel, a battery-powered lantern, Melitta coffee, Bear Creek soup mixes, a roasting pan, Bisto faux gravy granules, Downy Unstopables and Miracle Rice. I draw the line at reviewing personal care products, however, because if people need outside assistance with shower gel and toothpaste they’re nothing but a bunch of Einsteins.

In case you’d like to waste an hour of your life click here to read all my product reviews on Amazon.

It’s a dismal, overcast day in north Texas with lots of rain on the way tonight and tomorrow, a fact that was apparent even before I checked Weather.com because my knees hurt like hell today and they’re stiff as a board. This wouldn’t be such a big deal if I could take a decent pain-killer, but all I’m allowed to use is ordinary Tylenol. I had to give up Motrin and Naproxen last summer when my kidney function started to decline, and prescription meds like Ultracet make me so excruciatingly sick I’d rather skydive without a parachute. (You get my drift.)

Sam and I watched an outrageously well-made and frightening movie on TCM this morning … Trader Horn, nominated for best picture of 1931 starring Harry Carey and Duncan Renaldo.

Trader Horn was filmed in East Africa by an MGM crew with zero experience away from a Hollywood studio, so nearly everybody wound up with malaria and life-threatening infections and also had to survive flash floods, sunstroke, swarming locusts and attacks by snakes, wildlife and armies of ants. Director Woody VanDyke even included ACTUAL FOOTAGE of a native being killed by a charging rhino and another being eaten by a crocodile. Give this movie a shot sometime. It’s probably the most realistic, unvarnished look at “darkest Africa” you’ll ever see, and because it was released several years before the production code there are also plenty of boobies. We enjoyed this film so much I won’t even comment on Duncan Renaldo’s silly pith helmet that was big enough to double as a canoe.

I think I’ll make dinner now. In case you’re interested, this includes a pot of Bear Creek hot & sour soup with some tofu thrown in — a person can never get enough low-fat protein! — and sugar-free frosted cake for dessert. There’s always enough to share if you want to stop by. Try to get here by 7 if you want to watch this week’s episode of “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.” Shalom, y’all.

Pests, idiots and Einsteins. The madness continues.

2012-02-16T18:48:00.001-06:00

I’m in “that mood” again. You know, the one where I can’t stand my clients because they’re a bunch of pests and Einsteins. But this time it’s so bad I don’t even want to return calls or answer email. For instance, during the past few days I’ve had to deal with the following three client requests:

Can you make the phone number listed on my website ring my actual telephone if somebody clicks on it? No, idiot.
Please add a Facebook icon on my website that links to my Facebook page. And also add “Find us on Facebook” underneath because a lot of people are not familiar with Facebook’s logo. Your stupidity is seriously disturbing and I want you to GO AWAY.
I just received a strange letter in the mail telling me I won “Handyman of the Year” and I want you to add this to my website. It’s a very crappy idea to include meaningless or unsubstantiated recognition on your website, especially if you receive it in a letter from your MOTHER.

On a more cheerful note, IT’S FINALLY HERE! FedEx dropped off my family-size canisters of Manischewitz potato pancake mix about 20 minutes ago ... just in time for dinner!

Please send an email as soon as possible if you want to come over for a couple of latkes. (I’ve got sour cream. If you prefer applesauce you’ll have to BYO.)

Here’s some breaking news from the Garden State! Despite very strong and very vocal opposition, New Jersey’s governor Chris “Einstein” Christie (see right) has signed an executive order requiring state buildings to fly their U.S. and New Jersey flags at half-staff on Friday to honor — take a guess! — New Jersey native WHITNEY HOUSTON, who was found dead in a bathtub on February 11 after overdosing on drugs and alcohol.

Christie’s order calls Houston “a gifted singer, remarkable performer, and iconic figure who left an indelible mark upon the popular music landscape in the State of New Jersey and across our nation” and goes on to say the singer “left a legacy in this state that will be cherished for many years.” Seriously? I, for one, think the dude is insane ... and apparently I’m not the only one, because in a poll today on MSNBC.com thousands of people voted down Christie’s half-staff flag crap because Whitney Houston was in truth a drunk and a drug addict who couldn’t be left alone for 10 minutes. And just for the record, in 2010 Houston was booed off the stage three times during concerts in Australia because she apparently couldn’t sing any more, either.

On behalf of the Howdygram’s entire editorial staff — okay, just me — I think it’s outrageous that anybody should honor Whitney Houston with lowered flags, the kind of reverence that should be reserved only for FALLEN HEROES. Governor Einstein’s executive order is an embarrassment. No latkes for YOU.

Thank you for putting up with me.

Your source for breaking news, seriously biased commentary and general crap.

2012-02-16T06:08:00.000-06:00

Howdy, happy Thursday and how’s the family from your pals at the Howdygram!

Schwan’s Haddock Squares, up close and personal. Although I’m usually annoyed by negative seafood reviews that complain about fish tasting “fishy,” this is really the only way to describe Schwan’s thoroughly terrible Haddock Squares (see below). I couldn’t even improve these greasy little slabs with lemon and homemade tartar sauce so I wound up returning the rest of the box yesterday to my Schwan’s delivery dude, who wasn’t particularly congenial about it. Come to think of it, Gary isn’t congenial about anything. He’s a big, whiny doofus who shows up every other Wednesday to moan about the weather, his crappy feet, a trick knee and why he’s sick of working. In less than five minutes he usually manages to destroy my entire morning. (Sam has the right idea. He hides when the doorbell rings.) In all other respects, however, Gary is a lovely person.

So. What’s happening in your universe today? Here in north Texas we’re expecting sunshine and 58°. Plus ... 1) Kirkland’s is advertising some interesting new home decor if you’re fond of aqua birds, metal African women and table lamps for Judy Jetson; 2) I need a haircut; 3) chicken thighs are on sale at Tom Thumb; 4) my family-size canisters of Manischewitz potato pancake mix are being delivered today; and 5) at the end of the month Sam wants to get our cars waxed because it’s spring. I think that just about sums it up!

I’m going back to bed now. Be sure to stop by again later for more breaking news, seriously biased commentary and general crap. Thank you for reading this.

I’ll never be ready for Newt Gingrich in spandex.

2012-02-15T20:45:00.000-06:00

After I posted last night about the grand opening of our brand new Central Market — with the huge Kosher department and New York deli — located at the most congested retail intersection in Dallas, I figured I’d better snag an alternate source for Jewish groceries because I’m positive I’ll never find parking even if I show up before the employees. So I hunted around on the Internet and — glorioski! — discovered the KC Kosher Co-op, a brilliant organization that trucks Kosher food to deprived cities all over the United States when they can’t find matzo meal, beet borscht or macaroons in their local supermarkets. Dallas, thank God, is on the list. So are Houston, Atlanta, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Memphis and Phoenix, to name a few.

The Co-op carries absolutely EVERYTHING ... thousands of products and thousands of brands at prices that actually border on wholesale. You place an order by a certain date each month and four weeks later they send a truck full of groceries to a specific location and you show up to collect your loot. The only snag? You have to buy in bulk, such as a dozen jars of gefilte fish, 10 pounds of frozen Kosher chickens, 24 boxes of matzo. Fortunately the Co-op’s website has a feature that lets you arrange to split an order with somebody else in your city in the event you have no pressing need for three gallons of Manischewitz grape juice.

I registered with the Co-op online this morning and hope to place an order in time for Passover even though Sam and I are only observant when a holiday involves matzo balls. Stay tuned for further updates, okay?

And now, in breaking news from our Gouge My Eyes Out department, apparently former presidential candidates Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain have turned down separate offers to appear on “Dancing with the Stars,” a pointless competition that encourages untalented, uncoordinated and sweaty D-list celebrity wannabes to humiliate themselves to music on national television. While they’re wearing spandex.

This opens up a whole new realm of possibilities, since I never really considered all the different ways that former and current presidential candidates could entertain the American people. For example ...

Thank you for reading this.

I haven’t had a really fresh bagel in years.

2012-02-14T20:41:00.000-06:00

A couple of things. First, here’s an adorable photo of my sister’s grandson, 3½-year-old Tyler, modeling a brand new haircut. I know people always tend to say these things about their relatives, but seriously ... isn’t he just about the cutest little guy you’ve ever seen?

Breaking news. A brand new Central Market opens to the public tomorrow at Preston and Royal in Dallas. It’s slightly smaller than their other store on Lovers Lane but much closer to home ... and the new one includes a KOSHER DEPARTMENT, a genuine NEW YORK DELI and STORE-MADE BAGELS AND BIALYS. Oy, I can hardly believe it! Even though Dallas might be the most un-Jewish major city in the United States, Preston and Royal is at the heart of a very wealthy area — a neighborhood called “Preston Hollow” — with a substantial, mostly-Orthodox Jewish population and a couple of snooty synagogues.

I told Sam I want to check out the new store next week at a weird time of day, maybe around 9 a.m., providing I can find somewhere to park because Preston and Royal is an insanely congested intersection with a huge, set-back strip mall on every corner. Under the circumstances, it’s entirely possible I’ll never get any closer to Central Market than the photo on this page. Seriously.

And now it’s time for a hot shower and tonight’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn.” Thanks for stopping by. Live and be well.

I think I finally figured out the big attraction at Mount Everest.

2012-02-14T14:29:00.000-06:00

I’m pleased to report that the Howdygram has welcomed visitors from the following countries all within the last 48 hours: India, Singapore, the Netherlands, Japan, British Columbia, Nepal, Scotland, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, France and Argentina. To tell you the truth I have a really hard time picturing a dude in Nepal appreciating the finer points of the Howdygram, such as when I’m describing the joys of matzo farfel. Seriously.

Today’s pet peeve. Companies that want to shove me into a grave. Just because I’ve already collected my pension, walk with a cane and qualify for senior citizen discounts everywhere I go doesn’t mean I’m even remotely interested in promotional offers for CREMATION SERVICES AND PREPAID FUNERALS. Holy crap. I’m 60, not 90. Stop it!

Here’s what I just bought on Amazon.com: Dreamfields low-carb elbow macaroni, which is a brilliant innovation for diabetics like me. I just ordered six boxes.

A whole serving of Dreamfields has only 5g of carbs (as opposed to 45g for regular pasta) and there’s no difference whatsoever in taste or texture. Bottom line ... unless you’re trying to “carbo-load” before swimming the English Channel you should really be eating Dreamfields. I love this stuff.

And now I think I’ll try to take a quick afternoon nap until it’s time to sit in the window waiting for UPS to deliver my Bear Creek vegetable beef soup mixes. I’m hungry and plan to make one for dinner. Thank you for reading this.

Local Einstein discovers that people in Dallas can see through glass.

2012-02-14T05:35:00.000-06:00

Howdy and good morning from fog-shrouded north Texas. I’m not sure what — if anything — woke me up a few minutes ago, but so it won’t be a total loss I thought I’d spend some time here with y’all. (No need to thank me.)

I keep forgetting to tell you about this. I recently discovered an exceptionally funny website for your possible interest and amusement: Shit My Pets Ruined. Give it a shot. If you’ve ever owned dogs or cats you’ll definitely find yourself laughing out loud, although some of these catastrophes are the best reasons on earth NOT to own a pet or to consider strangling the one you’ve already got.

Here’s a pet peeve in-the-making and I’ll bet a lot of you will agree with me. I just saw a news bulletin on CNN.com that “Whitney Houston’s body is headed home to New Jersey via private jet.” And I’m sure within the next couple of hours we’ll read that somebody rented the Meadlowlands so she can lie in state for public viewing in preparation for canonization.

Apparently I need to invoke the voice of reason yet again to remind everybody that Whitney Houston did NOT discover a cure for cancer, end a war or devote her life to helping the homeless. She was a singer and a drug addict. It’s too bad she died, but after three days of this crazy crap I’m already sick of video testimonials by Jesse “Oh Boy I’m in the News Again” Jackson, celebrity tributes and 75-page “Whitney’s life in photos” galleries on all the major news websites.

And finally ...

Our latest Einstein Award goes to Dallas’ local ABC news station WFAA and hard-hitting reporter Monika Diaz, who revealed “a serious privacy issue” with the new all-glass Omni Hotel because everybody at the adjacent convention center can see into the guest rooms. Breaking news! PEOPLE CAN SEE THROUGH GLASS! (Exclusive at 10: WATER IS WET.)

Incidentally, when Miss Einstein asked Omni management to suggest solutions they basically said, “You moron. That’s why we’ve got BLINDS on the windows.”

Thank you for reading this. I’m going back to bed now.

A Valentine’s Day wish from Sam, Marcy and “Pork Chop” the Flying Pig.

2012-02-14T00:01:00.000-06:00

Once again the Howdygram is first in line to wish y’all a Happy Valentine’s Day even though Sam and I don’t celebrate this holiday because it’s contrived, drippy, manipulative, insincere and altogether meaningless. But personal opinions aside, we hope yours is lovely and you get all the stupid overpriced loot you’ve been hoping for. Seriously.

In case you’re interested, the gigantic family-size canisters of Manischewitz potato pancake mix I was expecting from Amazon.com didn’t show up yesterday as promised and I’m trying really hard to deal with the crushing disappointment. My next best guess for a delivery date is Thursday, judging from a cryptic email update I received from the shipper a couple of hours ago. In the meantime I’m eating cake. Cake is good.

I’ll be back later with another exciting post. Thank you for reading this.

P.S. Whitney Houston is still dead.

Drowning my sorrows in egg foo young.

2012-02-13T15:50:00.000-06:00

Before I curl up for a Monday afternoon nap because it’s raining and there’s not much else to do I’d like to begin this post with a quick update from the PGA tour. During yesterday’s final round of the AT&T Pro-Am at Pebble Beach Tiger Woods lost ground with a bunch of crappy shots and bogeys while Phil Mickelson played like a superstar and won the tournament at 16 under par. Tiger didn’t totally suck, per se, he just couldn’t sink a putt and looked like Mister Crabby Face.

Afterwards I ordered dinner from China City in an effort to drown my sorrows in egg foo young. (Glorioski! It worked!)

And now for an in-depth retrospective of the senior citizen segments from last night’s Grammy Awards: 1) the Beach Boys, celebrating their 50th anniversary, were incredible and sang “Good Vibrations”; 2) Tony Bennett at 86 years old got a rousing ovation from the audience mostly for his ability to stand without help and sing on key; 3) Paul McCartney was pruny yet adorable; 4) Bruce Springsteen was impressive and can still leap all over the stage at 63; and 5) I got emotional about Glen Campbell’s appearance because he found out last year he has Alzheimer’s and realizes his career is finished. Glen’s farewell tour will last until he can’t remember the lyrics any more. Incidentally, I watched the Grammies mostly alone because Sam was only interested in the aforementioned performances. The commercials were good, too.

In case you’ve been keeping track of my online shopping adventures I received my Bear Creek hot & sour soup mixes from Amazon.com on Friday. While this doesn’t exactly resemble real restaurant-quality hot & sour soup, it definitely tastes Asian, each bag makes a HALF-GALLON OF SOUP — enough for an army! — and it cooks in only 10 minutes. Plus I can throw in my own “extras” to jazz it up, like a bag of Miracle Rice, cubed tofu and a beaten egg. In the throes of hysteria I plunged ahead last night and ordered six bags of Bear Creek vegetable beef soup mix because the picture on the package looks so damn good. For Sam I ordered four cans of his favorite coffee.

I also visited VegeFoods.com a little while ago and decided to try a few canned faux meat products because — please don’t gag — I actually enjoy faux meat and Worthington gets five-star reviews all over the Internet. They’re primarily soy, low-fat, low-calorie, low-carb, high in fiber and pretend to be all the everyday foods I probably shouldn’t be eating.

If these turn out to be as good as people say I’ll eventually order from Amazon, where I can get them in cartons of 12 for less money and free two-day shipping. (I love free shipping.) Please stay tuned for an update.

Nap-time at last. Thank you for reading this.

Lou Malnati’s sausage pizza is the present of a lifetime.

2012-02-12T10:49:00.000-06:00

It’s cold again in north Texas today. The high will only hit 46° but we’re expecting a ton of rain tonight and much warmer temperatures — 70° on Wednesday — for the rest of the week. We’ve dodged a bullet here with winter weather because it’s practically spring.

The Howdygram strongly recommends tuning in to CBS today for round four of the PGA Pro-Am Golf Tournament at Pebble Beach because Tiger Woods — go Tiger! — is charging towards a first place finish. I don’t know why I still get excited about this dude except that he’s amazing to watch when he’s playing well … and lately he’s been playing VERY well. I might make a matzo soufflé for lunch in case you want to drop in and watch golf with us. An advance email would be nice so I can make enough.

Another TV recommendation for Sunday would be tonight’s Grammy Awards, but ONLY because the Beach Boys, Bruce Springsteen, Tony Bennett and Paul McCartney are supposed to perform in a salute to senior citizens who can still walk unassisted and carry a tune. The rest of the program doesn’t interest me whatsoever because I don’t know any of the other musicians, I’ve never listened to their music and I and don’t care if they win, lose or show up drunk. I don’t even care about the last-minute tribute to Whitney Houston (she died yesterday) because the music industry loves to deify its deceased drug addicts FOREVER and I’m positive this is just the first of many pointless and sappy hoo-hahs yet to come. On the other hand, maybe they’ll finally shut up about Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse now.

Glorioski and holy crap, last night I discovered Taste of Chicago … a website that ships food from Chicago’s most iconic restaurants ANYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES. This includes Lou Malnati’s deep dish pizza, Vienna Chicago-style hotdogs, Portillo’s Italian beef, Manny’s Delicatessen, Carson’s Ribs and Eli’s cheesecake! I’m practically hysterical right now and keep revisiting the website to stare at the pictures (see below).

If anybody ever wants to buy me the present of a lifetime — seriously — it would be Lou Malnati’s sausage pizza because I haven’t had one for at least 30 years. Thank you in advance for your overwhelming generosity. I have my own napkins.

A pair of pet peeves before breakfast.

2012-02-11T08:30:00.002-06:00

Hello, howdy, happy Saturday and what’s for breakfast? I woke up really hungry and would probably ask Sam to shlep us over to Denny’s but it’s a little too cold outside (29°) to leave the house for a plate of food, even if it’s Senior Scrambled Eggs. We love their Senior Scrambled Eggs!

And now, please grab yourself a bagel and get comfortable. I want to unload for a minute.

Today’s pet peeve. I’m sick of Gabrielle Giffords. She was in the news again yesterday because the Navy named a COMBAT SHIP after her, and I want to know why anybody in their right mind would think that’s even remotely appropriate. What the hell for? She’s a POLITICIAN, for God’s sake, and she survived a gunshot. Big deal. Couldn’t the Navy dig up the names of a few deserving Medal of Honor winners who actually, you know, served in the MILITARY? The media and government are so obsessed with her — and she’s so over-saturated in the news — that I’m reacting to Giffords now like she's KIM KARDASHIAN. And that, dear readers, is the kiss of death.

Thank you for allowing me to spew. And I mean this most sincerely.

Today’s other pet peeve. Human skeletons who get hired as fashion models. We’ve all seen pictures of anorexic models, but Ioana Spangenberg (see below) beats them all. She’s a Romanian bag of bones with a freakish 20-inch waist that can’t possibly be for real. Spangenberg insists she eats three meals a day — please, give me a break — but a person who consumes solid food just can’t look like this. Holy crap, my wrists are thicker than her THIGHS! She says her husband thinks she’s gorgeous, and that’s certainly swell and wonderful, but any reputable fashion house or magazine that hires Spangenberg should be run out of town. She’s not a model, she’s a HANGER.

I’d better mosey into the kitchen and rustle up some grub. Thank y’all for reading this. I’ll try to be back later, but no promises.

Weather news and an important Manischewitz update.

2012-02-10T05:40:00.000-06:00

Hi. It’s 5:30 a.m. and apparently — according to Weather.com — I just slept through several hours of very heavy rain. Therefore, to ease the disappointment, I thought I’d hang out with y’all for a little while until I’m ready to go back to bed. Most likely this will be soon.

Before I forget, here’s the important update I promised you! According to an email I just received from Amazon.com, FedEx will deliver my order of Manischewitz Potato Pancake Mix on February 13. I seriously hope I can wait that long.

You may now resume your regular activities while I try to get more sleep. I don’t want to walk around all day looking like this:

Don’t forget to turn out the lights when you’re done. Thank you.

A toe update, exciting deliveries, today’s purchases and a few old pictures.

2012-02-09T20:32:00.000-06:00

There’s so much to write tonight I almost don’t know where to start, but I suppose I should tackle the most important news first. Therefore you may be pleased to know that my smashed toe is so much better I cancelled my appointment with the podiatrist. I don’t need to spend $25 to show him a teeny scab.

Second, I received my matzo farfel, Downy Unstopables and Lipton Cup-A-Soup today from Amazon.com. Aside from seeing Sam naked there’s almost nothing as exciting as a great big carton from Amazon!

Third, here are today’s Internet purchases for your possible interest. The LED lantern will reside in our master bedroom walk-in closet for those rare occasions when we have to hide from a tornado. (Our closet is actually large enough to sleep a family of six.) The soup mix should be self-explanatory (I plan to eat it).

And now for something completely different! I thought a few of you might enjoy the following nostalgic photos from my 1967 (sophomore) and 1968 (junior year) Niles North High School yearbooks ... courtesy of Classmates.com, an irritating website that sends way too much email. I will not renew my trial membership under any circumstances, not even if they beg me. (The faces highlighted below all belong to yours truly.)

And now I think I’ll take a hot shower, eat sugar-free pumpkin pie and watch tonight’s episode of “Project Runway All Stars,” but not at the same time because that would be both stupid and impossible. Thank you for reading this.

Announcing new Fancy Feast Twinkies ... coming soon to a store near you!

2012-02-08T15:03:00.000-06:00

So here are my three options for Wednesday afternoon: 1) take a nap; 2) eat something; or 3) write a post. Obviously I chose number three, although one and two are up next on my agenda but not necessarily in that order.

Breaking news for junk food fanatics! Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Hostess Brands has decided to promote chocolate-filled Twinkies, their popular but crappy acrylic-blend bakery snack, to a full-time year-round product. Apparently chocolate-filled Twinkies were offered on a limited basis last spring and received “an overwhelmingly positive consumer response.” Hostess has to be making this up because their anemic chocolate filling — pictured below — clearly looks like Fancy Feast cat food and I find it hard to believe that anybody would eat this crap.

A reader’s comment at the end of the article said too bad Hostess didn’t use chocolate sponge cake for chocolate-filled Twinkies, and another responded, “That would be called a Ho-Ho.” Some people have way too much time on their hands.

Holy crap and glorioski! I just received a major shipment from Amazon.com that included three gigantic 40 oz. jars of PETER PAN CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER, six bags of MIRACLE RICE and a SERRATED DISHWASHER-SAFE PIE SERVER. Tomorrow I’m expecting three bottles of Downy Unstopables, six canisters of Yehuda Matzo Farfel and a dozen boxes of Chicken Noodle Lipton Cup-A-Soup. In case you’re wondering, my order for three family-size canisters of Manischewitz Potato Pancake Mix hasn’t shipped yet. I promise to provide updates as they become available so please plan to check back often.

You may recall a couple of weeks ago when I ordered a 12-pack carton of those new blue “Powermint” TicTacs. Unfortunately these strange little things don’t resemble real breath mints in any way whatsoever. It took a couple of days to try and figure out the actual flavor, but I think I’ve finally nailed it: HALL’S MENTHOLYPTUS COUGH DROPS. I’m switching back to Wintergreen as soon as possible.

Ah, nap time at last! Thank you for reading this.

What the hell ... I’ve got a nice big pantry, a cool husband and an American Express card!

2012-02-07T17:58:00.000-06:00

Ever had a food craving you can’t explain? I have them all the time. Today, for instance, I desperately need CANNED CARROTS, so thank God I actually have two cans in the pantry. I pour off the liquid and eat them cold, right out of the can, sprinkled with two packages of Equal and several shots of — don’t gag — I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray. Other frequent cravings include: 1) a grilled cheese sandwich with six green olives; 2) banana pudding; 3) gefilte fish; 4) mushroom gravy on almost anything; and 5) baloney on white bread with one slice of American cheese.

Today’s pet peeve. Mazel tov. I just saw a news item that supermarkets have started phasing out their self-checkout lanes because almost nobody uses them any more. Sam actually likes these annoying things; I don’t. I figure if I want a job as a grocery store cashier I’ll apply for it and get some benefits. Back when gas stations first introduced self-service pumps in the early 1970s they offered customers a DISCOUNT if you didn’t need full service. Why should any of us scan and bag our own groceries so the market can save a few bucks on payroll? Technically, however, the reason for the phase-out is because supermarkets discovered that do-it-yourself checkouts haven’t saved them any money at all since they’ve had to hire extra staff to assist all the Einsteins trying to “play store.”

A Howdygram public service announcement. McDonald’s Shamrock Shake is back for a limited time and there’s even a convenient yet stupid shake locator service available at www.shamrockshake.com in case you’re interested, thirsty and unconcerned about consuming large quantites of heavily-sweetened artificial green dye. Enjoy your crappy beverage and have a nice day.

Products I can’t find in Texas. Mostly it’s anything Jewish that I’ve always been able to buy in a supermarket elsewhere in the United States. Gefilte fish is available occasionally depending on the time of year, except it sells for $10.99 a jar here and I’m pretty damn sure that’s a rip-off. Products I miss routinely include potato pancake mix, matzo farfel, matzo meal, skinny egg noodles and Yahrzeit candles. Therefore, please allow me to rave (again) about Amazon.com, the world’s best source for practically anything your local stores don’t stock. I just ordered the following two hard-to-find essentials.

The only minor drawback is that you have to buy THREE family-size cans of potato pancake mix and SIX cans of matzo farfel, but what the hell ... I’ve got a nice big pantry, a cool husband and an American Express card!

I’m ready for those canned carrots now. Thank you for reading this.

Movies, sugar-free brownies and a Tuesday morning shopping spree.

2012-02-07T02:59:00.001-06:00

For the moment it appears that I’ve got an issue going on with insomnia so I thought I’d hang out in the study for a while and horse around with the Howdygram. I’ve also been SHOPPING, and my Tuesday morning purchases appear below. In case you care, they include two bottles of Downy Unstopables in their “lush” scent, a set of four Margaret Rutherford DVDs, a dozen boxes of Lipton Chicken Noodle Cup-a-Soup and a serrated stainless steel pie server from Amazon.com plus half a dozen furnace filters from FiltersFast as a thoughtful little present for Sam. This is the same website where I buy replacement water filters for the icemaker in our refrigerator. (Check out their prices sometime.) I almost ordered a box Atkins snack bars from Walmart.com but changed my mind at the last minute because there’s no point getting carried away. I already have a bunch of these in the pantry.

It’s practically 3 a.m. and I’m still wide awake. This is crazy. I think I’ll have to migrate into the family room and watch a movie with a sugar-free brownie. I’d much rather watch a movie with Sam but he’s been asleep since midnight. Thank you for reading this.

Rewriting history for a lying, cheating lardball.

2012-02-06T19:21:00.000-06:00

Although nobody has actually inquired about this I thought it might be nice to share an update anyway. Remember the posts I wrote on January 27 (read them here and here) about my two smashed toes? One of them hasn’t healed. Even though it doesn’t hurt, the fourth toe on my right foot is misshapen, discolored, blistery and altogether gross. As a diabetic I’m not supposed to hang around waiting for a toe to get better all by itself, so I had to make an appointment to see my podiatrist on Thursday morning. Stay tuned for more information later in the week but please feel free to go about your normal routine in the meantime.

Late-breaking news! Apparently Newt Gingrich’s communications director Joe DeSantis has been caught and criticized by editors of Wikipedia for dozens of unauthorized changes to the candidate’s biographical information … mostly attempting to whitewash his infidelities, his three marriages and all references to the ethics charges brought against him when he was ejected as Speaker of the House. Apparently DeSantis’ efforts continued as recently as last week. Wikipedia has placed Gingrich’s page under protected status to prevent unauthorized users from changing the text.

The Howdygram would like to thank Wikipedia and CNN.com for their exposé, although this is NOT the first time an egomaniacal Einstein like Gingrich, who is also a lying, cheating lardball, has attempted to use Wikipedia to rewrite history. Last year in a speech when Sarah Palin screwed up the facts of Paul Revere’s ride, her staff was caught two days later editing Revere’s Wikipedia page with Palin’s made-up version of the story. Seriously.

Today is Accession Day in Great Britain, a heartwarming holiday commemorating Queen Elizabeth’s 60th year as monarch. That’s definitely a hell of a long time to sit on a throne. The Howdygram says MAZEL TOV but thinks the Queen should try adding some fiber to her diet.

Thank you for reading this.

I love Sundays with Errol, Fred and Ginger and Sam.

2012-02-06T14:59:00.001-06:00

There are hundreds of very good reasons why I didn’t write a second post yesterday. For starters, Sam and I were way too busy eating dim sum for lunch at Hong Kong Royal, after which I spent two grueling hours online horsing around with Turbo Tax, whose seriously untrained “live chat” help desk is staffed by a team of Einsteins. (Yes, we’re getting a nice refund. No, you can’t have any.) I waited an hour and 15 minutes to connect with an agent named Tonisha WHO NEVER HEARD OF A SCHEDULE C. Seriously!

I also enjoyed a luxurious nap, made our favorite one-pot Greek rice dish for dinner (check out my recipe), watched The Adventures of Robin Hood with Errol Flynn and The Gay Divorcee with Fred and Ginger, and then we tuned in for the last half-hour of the Super Bowl, which was a mighty smart thing to do because Ahmad Bradshaw’s weirdo touchdown for the Giants in the final 60 seconds of the game was really something to see. In an effort NOT TO SCORE he accidentally fell backwards into the end zone and sat down. Photos of Errol, Fred, Ginger and Bradshaw landing on his ass appear below

From our Why Didn’t I Think of This First department, I’m pleased to introduce Ebon-Aide® Bandages for people of color. I saw the link alongside an article about Black History Month but apparently brown bandaids haven’t “wowed” their intended audience because the company’s website no longer exists. I don’t know about you, but I think these are a great idea and I’m surprised they didn’t sell. I wonder if anybody ever tried inventing brown Q-Tips.

And finally, here are two of the world’s craziest Asian dining establishments for your possible interest. Photos appear below.

The Clinic in Singapore is a hospital-themed restaurant and club with seating on golden wheelchairs and metal hospital beds that have been converted into booths. You can request an I.V. of your favorite soft drink for a small additional charge. Due to health considerations the restaurant does not distribute bedpans.
Modern Toilet in Taipei is such a huge hit that a dozen branches have opened across Taiwan. Diners are seated on standard-sized toilets and eat out of miniature ones. Drinks are served from tiny urinals. (I’ll bet the food tastes like crap.)

And now I’m going to load up the kitchen with a pile of homemade fake sweets: Pillsbury sugar-free fudge brownies and a sugar-free pumpkin pie. I’d be glad to share except Sam’s been waiting for these and I’ll bet there won’t be anything left after he gets home from work tonight. Maybe next time. Thank you for understanding.

Prizefighters, brownie procrastination and avoiding Maria Ouspenskaya.

2012-02-05T01:23:00.000-06:00

Saturday was lazy and wonderful around here. Following a nice lunch at Denny’s I took two mega-naps, almost baked brownies and watched a middleweight fight on HBO, the FDR biopic Sunrise at Campobello with Greer Garson and Ralph Bellamy, and The Rains Came with Myrna Loy, Tyrone Power and Maria Ouspenskaya, who’s four feet tall and ugly enough as a maharajah’s wife to scare the crap out of just about ANYBODY. I actually slept through most of The Rains Came, but that’s okay because I watch it every time it’s on TCM and could recite most of the dialog by heart. This movie has some incredible special effects for 1939. Trust me, you’ll start looking for water wings.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday, a thoroughly meaningless event for Sam and me since we have no vested interest whatsoever in who’s playing or who wins. Our day will be filled instead with other worthwhile activities, such as dim sum for lunch at Hong Kong Royal, baking the sugar-free brownies I put off yesterday and trying to figure out whatever happened to winter in Texas. The grass is turning green, our lawn service already started their spring weed treatments, outdoor bugs are emerging and we haven’t had daytime temperatures below 53° since the second week of December. As a matter of fact, temperatures in January and February (so far) have been more like March and April. If you think I’m making this up, take a look at our forecast.

As long as I’m rambling about weather you may be pleased to know that the drought is over for Dallas/Fort Worth. We received triple our normal rainfall in December and January, which helped our reservoirs and lakes rise more than five feet. (Lake Lavon actually rose TEN feet, which is excellent news if you live in Plano.) Most local municipalities will continue to enforce stage three water restrictions for the next few months, but that’s no big deal since it’s still winter and we’ve already had more than enough rain for our trees and lawns. Incidentally, I should mention that the rest of the state is still under an “exceptional drought” warning. This is crappy news for crops and cattle, and we Texans LOVE our crops and cattle although I have to admit that I wouldn’t recognize an actual crop if it jumped up and slapped me in the face.

I should probably go to bed now so I won’t oversleep and be late for dim sum. Thank you for reading this!

Wash down these miracles with sugar-free lemonade.

2012-02-03T18:47:00.000-06:00

It’s a quiet Friday evening and I thought I’d hang out in Howdygramland while I do laundry and wait for some significant thunderstorms to show up. Weather.com is promising 8 p.m. but I practically never believe them.

Ever heard of Miracle Rice or Miracle Noodles? These are amazing products made of plant fiber that contain no fat, no carbs, no protein, no sodium and NO CALORIES. They’re packaged in brine in a plastic bag, and you just dump the contents in a strainer, rinse with cold water* and throw them into soup, stir-fry or sauce. The noodles are available in angel hair or fettucini styles; the rice is actually more like little teeny pasta balls. I ordered a six-pack of Miracle Rice this morning from Amazon.com and can’t wait to start horsing around with them!

*Never EVER under any circumstances smell this product before it’s rinsed. Trust me.

Attention, savvy shoppers ... we know you’ll want to keep our exclusive new note cards on hand for all those special occasions when only “howdy” will do! A set of 10 cards on high-quality matte-finish stock — featuring Sam in authentic western regalia — is on sale now for only $12.95 with envelopes and shipping included. Cards measure 4" x 8". Click here to place your order.

My Friday-night sock-folding party starts at 7:30 if you’re interested. I’ll make a half-gallon of sugar-free lemonade; please plan to bring a snack from the pre-approved list that appears below:

Cheetos
Pepper jack flavor Cheez-Its
Saltines and chopped liver
Orville Redenbacher Light Movie Theater Butter Microwave Popcorn
Snyder’s Honey Mustard Sourdough Pretzel Nuggets

I’ve got napkins. Thank you for reading this.

Welcome to Texas, land of the Einsteins.

2012-02-02T18:35:00.001-06:00

Today is Groundhog’s Day, a holiday that’s been at the top of my Who Gives A Crap List for at least 25 years. The only time I thought Groundhog’s Day might be worth a second glance was when I lived in Chicago and a person actually wanted to know whether or not we’d get six more weeks of winter. Except by the time mid-March rolled around we couldn’t remember what the damn groundhog had predicted back on February 2 because we’d been too busy shoveling snow and scraping windshields. Which fully explains how and why Groundhog’s Day earned its spot on my list.

And then today I find out that Texas has a stupid official critter of its own — and I’m NOT referring to Rick Perry — named “Bee Cave Bob,” a weather-predicting armadillo from the town of Bee Cave near Austin because real Texans are just too damn cool to concern themselves with a glorified rat called Phil from Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Members of the club in Bee Cave that own Bob the armadillo are named “Al Manac,” “Wayne Gauge” and “Hugh Midity.” (I kid you not.) Welcome to Einsteinland, y’all.

In case you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last several weeks, February 5 is Super Bowl Sunday, the NFL’s annual post-season greedfest. I don’t care who’s playing in Super Bowl XLVI, I don’t care where they’re playing, I don’t care who forgets the lyrics at half-time and I don’t care who wins the game. All I want to know is, will Pizza Hut be too busy to drop off a thin crust Super Supreme (pictured below) and does anybody besides me still know how to read Roman numerals.

I’m starving. Thank you for reading this.

Faux shepherd’s pie, a feast for the ages.

2012-02-01T18:32:00.001-06:00

In case you’re interested, I’d like to report there’s nothing whatsoever that I need to do today. NOTHING. The dishwasher’s empty, my client projects are caught up, Sam has enough clean socks for at least a week and I don’t even feel motivated to bake a cake. I did, however, check out the new photos posted by my niece Allison on Snapfish.com, which included adorable shots of baby Cooper at one month old and Melissa’s little boy, Tyler, at 3½. Take a look below.

The rest of my day will be packed with essential activities from a “do” list I just compiled, which includes: 1) a trip to the kitchen for my second Marcy-tini refill; 2) watching the latest episodes of “Peoples Court” and “Top Chef”; 3) trying to figure out why the hell anybody would waste their time previewing Super Bowl commercials; and 4) dinner.

With regard to item four above, tonight I plan to nuke a faux shepherd’s pie (see below) from Schwan’s. This is a surprisingly tasty little entree even though it’s filled with BEEF rather than LAMB, an issue that triggers disillusionment, outrage, confusion and grief. (Note to Schwan’s: Shepherds tend sheep, not cows.)

If you want to come for dinner please send me an email within the next 45 minutes and I’ll try to save you some. For dessert we’re having faux ice cream. Thank you for reading this!

Now we know why kids love those Happy Meals.

2012-02-01T02:44:00.001-06:00

This is my first official post for the month of February, a fact that’s probably even less important to you than it is to me. I’m awake at 2:30 in the morning because I’m having digestive issues and don’t want to go to bed and disturb Sam if I have to keep vaulting out of the room. So while I wait for everything to calm down I figure I’ll hang out with the Howdygram and annoy my readers.

There’s lots of breaking news on the Internet this morning, such as: 1) Newt Gingrich did NOT win the Florida primary ... and he wasn’t even close; 2) heartwarming video coverage of Goatee, the surfing goat; 3) Kim Kardashian highlighted her hair (which is also today’s lead story from our Who Gives A Crap department); and 4) McDonald’s confirms that it has discontinued using “pink slime” in its hamburger meat.

The aforementioned slime actually consists of unmentionable “meat trimmings” soaked in ammonium hydroxide, a chemical also found in fertilizers, household cleaners and explosives. Aha! The secret ingredient in Happy Meals!

Bedtime at last. Thank you for reading this.

Meet “Aunt Barbara,” Long Island’s drag queen Tupperware lady.

2012-01-31T21:14:00.000-06:00

I’m being bombarded by client projects again. Today I redesigned two websites, set up an online photo gallery and quoted a brochure project that will probably get underway tomorrow. Every time I try to inch a little closer to retirement I wind up busier than the week before. The money’s nice, but quite honestly I’d rather take a nap and eat cake.

I received two cans of Bisto today from Amazon.com. Bisto is a British product ... intensely popular instant fake gravy granules comprised of seasoned chemicals that you mix into a cup of boiling water. Bisto will make almost anything taste better, such as styrofoam, corrugated cardboard or Schwan’s Chicken Patties, which are basically pre-chewed chicken nuggets on steroids (see below). Bisto is available in a variety of flavors. I bought “Favourite,” which makes a dark brown gravy that pretends to be beef but doesn’t exactly taste like it, and “Chicken,” which should be self-explanatory. (It’s yellow.)

Bisto’s big claim to fame is speed with zero lumps. It’s also very low-calorie with practically no carbs or fat, making it the perfect enhancement for your favorite processed mystery meat.

Here’s a story I read this morning on ABC’s news website about a drag queen superstar Tupperware lady in Long Island named Aunt Barbara. She was the company’s top consultant in North America last year, selling more than $250,000 worth of Tupperware’s overpriced plastics and earning a 2011 Fort Mustang convertible and a trip to Hawaii.

Aunt Barbara is actually Robert Suchan, a 43-year-old former social worker who’s 6'5" tall and booked solid for Tupperware parties six months in advance. ~~She~~ He especially loves Tupperware’s cheese grater, which can double as a weapon in case of a home invasion. The video clip below will give you a better picture. Is he hilarious, or what?

While I wait for Sam to get home from work I think I’ll make a Goofy Fruity Shake and hang out in the family room to watch tonight’s episodes of “Hardcore Pawn” and “Tabatha Takes Over.” You’re welcome to join me but bring your own straw, okay?

Scary cosmic monsters and other happy childhood memories.

2012-01-30T18:22:00.000-06:00

I recently told Sam a couple of stories from when I was a kid and he thought both would make excellent material for the Howdygram. So here they are. I won’t mind if you’re not interested, but maybe you can pretend just for the hell of it.

Story number one concerns First Man Into Space, a 1959 movie about the very first astronaut coming back to earth that scared the living crap out of me when I was eight years old. I remember running from the Skokie Theater screaming and then having ongoing nightmares about this crusted, disfigured monster for MONTHS — actually, YEARS — afterwards. The worst part was his one huge oozy eyeball and his huge cockeyed teeth, apparently the result of radioactive cosmic dust.

Looking at these pictures now it all seems really lame, but trust me, that monster was too much for my brain to process at eight years old. And his eyeball was just HORRIBLE.

I’m also pleased to include a photo of the aforementioned Skokie Theater (circa 1962), which was really teeny with one screen, very good popcorn and a 10¢ soft drink machine that dispensed syrup and carbonated water into a paper cup in separate streams with a clump of crushed ice at the end. This was fabulous and my favorite flavor was Green River.

And now for my television debut, which is story number two. “Lunchtime Little Theater” was a Chicago children’s TV show in the mid-1950s starring Uncle Ned, Uncle Bucky and Aunt Jeannie. (I wouldn’t joke about this.) In 1956 mom got tickets for my sister and me to be in the audience ... I was five, Robin was three. Three years old probably pushed the envelope a little, because Robin had a shrieking fit when they seated her with me in the peanut gallery so she got exiled to sit in back with all the mothers. And although I have almost zero recollection of “Lunchtime Little Theater” that day, I remember walking up and down the sidewalk in front of our house when I got home — still wearing my party dress — because I was positive everybody would recognize me. Oh my God, isn’t that the cute little girl we just saw on TELEVISION?

Trust me. “Lunchtime Little Theater” did NOT launch my career and thank you for reading this.

Here comes Sam.

2012-01-29T15:00:00.000-06:00

Sam is coming home today — yee-haw! — and after the busy morning he’s had I’ll bet he falls asleep on the plane providing there’s enough room for his legs. (It’s not so easy when you’re 6'5".) He just called to tell me that he and mom went out for breakfast with David, Lisa and Anna, they all stopped at Mount Sinai Cemetery to see his dad’s grave and then everybody dropped him off at Bob Hope Airport in Burbank, which is where he is right now. The family photos below were taken this morning by Lisa at Mount Sinai Cemetery. Bob Hope and his airport appear courtesy of Google.

As for yours truly, I bounced — okay, that might be a slight exaggeration — out of bed this morning at 6:45 after eight hours of luxurious and uninterrupted sleep, folded two loads of sheets and towels, napped through Gypsy starring Rosalind Russell (see right) and ate leftover hot and sour soup. I actually would have preferred napping through Funny Girl but I deleted it last night.

Sam’s flight gets in at 5:30 so I’ll be leaving here about an hour before that to pick him up. According to American Airlines’ website he’ll be arriving at gate C-15, so I decided to provide the enhanced map that appears below for your possible interest. All important features are outlined in pink.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

A vote for Newt is a vote for “space mirrors.”

2012-01-28T23:09:00.000-06:00

I am desperately tired right now. I can’t keep my eyes open and it almost feels as though I haven’t slept for a couple of days, which is not the case at all. It’s 10:45 and Marcy the night owl is actually thinking about going to bed. But first, courtesy of TheWeek.com, here are four of the craziest ideas ever proposed by Newt “Tweedledum” Gingrich, the GOP’s nastiest excuse for a presidential candidate. In addition to promising voters that he’ll colonize the moon by 2020 and establish it as our 51st state, Newt has also suggested that we:

Shoot lasers at North Korea. Newt has pledged to use “unconventional methods” to stop North Korea from launching a missile, including the Airborne Laser, a top-secret secret jumbo jet that’s fitted with a missile-zapping energy cannon.
Launch “orbital death rays.” In 2002 Newt told PBS that space lasers shot from an orbiting satellite would be the key to stopping Russian and Chinese missiles. (This is basically the plot of Diamonds Are Forever.)
Kill marijuana smugglers. Newt sponsored the Drug Importer Death Penalty Act of 1996, whereby anybody convicted of bringing more than two ounces of pot into the United States — two ounces? — would receive a mandatory life sentence. Repeat offenders would be executed. He neglected to suggest where we would incarcerate the entire population of Central America or how we’d fund a prison the size of Pennsylvania.
Reduce crime with “space mirrors.” In 1984 Newt promoted an idea to install giant mirrors in space to illuminate the night sky like a lot of full moons, making streetlights obsolete and preventing criminals from jumping out of dark alleys to scare the crap out of you.

He’s certifiably insane. Thank you for reading this.

AT&T, the Einstein communications powerhouse.

2012-01-28T17:38:00.000-06:00

I wasn’t planning to write another post at this point in the day but changed my mind a couple of minutes ago when I checked email and found this adorable photo from Aunt Adie, taken yesterday at Venice Beach. Are these guys cute, or what? They even match the landscape!

And then a few minutes ago I get an email from AT&T U-Verse announcing that my monthly bill is now available in video format — what the hell? — and all I have to do is click the link to view it. They say it’s “an additional way to help you understand the billing details of your award winning U-Verse service.”

I click the link and — take your best guess here — it doesn’t work. So I close the browser page and start over. No luck. But the third time’s a charm for AT&T because now their little video swings into action. It plays for five whole seconds and stops dead, then teeny little numbers start lurching slowly from 1 to 100. The counter stops dead twice. When the video finally reloads it plays for another five seconds and stops dead again, more teeny little numbers lurching to 100, and so on. Play. Stop. Die. Lurch. Play. Stop. Die. Lurch. I waste half an hour of my life horsing around with a three-minute video produced by Einstein & Company. I’m definitely feeling inspired now to recommend “award winning U-Verse service” to everybody I know. (This post ought to take care of that.)

Incidentally, the aforementioned “lurching number” is circled in red in the image above. I hate these things. (And even worse, the font is Times Roman.)

Time for a hot shower and dinner. Thanks for stopping by!

Public schools give me a migraine.

2012-01-28T12:09:00.004-06:00

Good morning, shalom and welcome to Potato Salad Day here at Howdygram headquarters. My big mixing bowl is out on the counter and my hard-boiled eggs are shelled. The next step involves cooking some actual potatoes, which is at the top of my agenda as soon as I finish this post. You can check out my world-famous recipe here.

I’m pleased to report that I slept very well last night. My toes didn’t hurt and my hands weren’t hot. As a matter of fact, I didn’t get out of bed this morning till the crack of 10:30 and didn’t even wake up when Sam called at 9. (Apparently I thought I dreamed the phone was ringing and just rolled over.)

And now, here’s a little something from our Knee-Jerk Reaction department. I read an article this morning that the principal of Pottsdown Middle School in Pennsylvania has banned “open top boots” — such as those popular but stupid-looking Uggs (see below) — in classrooms because students are sneaking in contraband items hidden in their boots. The school is referring specifically to cell phones, which students are not allowed to bring to class.

I have two questions for Principal Einstein. First, how the hell can boots have “closed” tops? And second, don’t cell phones also fit in a pocket or backpack? Public schools give me a migraine. I’m just saying.

One final thought. A few thousand years ago when I was in middle school I wanted to dress like a GIRL, not like a sherpa heading for base camp at Mount Everest. Thank you for reading this.

Missing Sam.

2012-01-27T22:17:00.000-06:00

Hi. It’s 9:45 p.m. and I’ve had just about all the activity a person can stand for one day. I emptied the dishwasher, re-bandaged a toe, ordered in Chinese food, talked to Sam long-distance in California, considered eating a piece of cake and watched an amazing movie called Letter from an Unknown Woman with Joan Fontaine and Louis Jourdan (see photo). Incidentally, the Einsteins who rate these films for our AT&T U-Verse cable guide gave it 3½ stars — the same as Dinner for Schmucks, which is AT&T’s benchmark for excellence in filmmaking, and Ben-Hur — so you know it must be awfully damn special.

Breaking news ... SAM COMES HOME ON SUNDAY! To say I’ve missed him would be the understatement of the century because it’s awfully dull around here when he’s gone. Not only is Sam the life of the party, he’s cuddly, exceptionally attractive and the Howdygram’s official mascot. (He’ll kill me for that.) First, however, I have a number of projects scheduled for tomorrow (Saturday), such as making a mountain of my world-famous homemade potato salad, ordering a 12-pack of Bounty select-a-size paper towels from Walmart and trying not to destroy any additional toes in the process. Sam’s flight gets in at 5:30 Sunday and I’ll be there to pick him up.

Click here to send Sam a welcome home email. Thank you.

Toes, part two, and how to plan ahead for Thin Mints.

2012-01-27T12:56:00.000-06:00

The baby toe on my left foot? I think it’s BROKEN. That’s the one I smashed into the leather bench in the master bedroom at 3:30 this morning when I didn’t have the brains to turn on a light. The toenail has turned a motley shade of blue/black, the actual toe is swollen — which is tricky to detect because my baby toes have always been lumpy little things, anyway — and the whole side of my foot hurts like hell. The toe on my other foot, the one I crushed on a corner of the sectional last night, finally stopped throbbing a couple of hours ago but it’s still wrapped in a bandage and hurts like hell because a huge chunk of skin has gone missing.

I guess I should apologize if this is a little too much information. I’ve barely had five hours of sleep, walking sucks, I don’t want to wear shoes and I refuse to leave the house. (I’m not particularly interested in wearing a brassiere, either, but this has nothing whatsoever to do with my toes.) Quite frankly, I need CAKE.

In case you’ve been hiding under a rock somewhere, the Howdygram is pleased to announce that Girl Scout cookie season starts next month! As a matter of fact, if you go to the Girl Scout cookies website you can type in your zip code and find out exactly how many minutes and miles away you are from shoveling a box of Thin Mints into your face. Apparently here in Mesquite we’ll be able to find cookie fairies in front of every Walmart, Kroger, Tom Thumb, Minyard’s, Albertson’s and Lowe’s. Lowe’s?

In my case, of course, I don’t do Girl Scout cookies because they’re loaded with sugar and I’m diabetic, so Sam usually gets suckered in at the office. Last year he wound up eating an entire sleeve of Thin Mints and came home at midnight with the jitters and a migraine headache. Never again. This year the Howdygram cookie police are on high alert.

Thank you for reading this.

There’s no business like toe business.

2012-01-27T05:28:00.003-06:00

First things first. I’m turning off lights in the family room last night, getting ready to go to sleep, when I walk into the edge of our sectional and crush a toe ... the exact same spot where I crushed another toe three weeks ago and ripped off the entire nail.

But I digress.

Limping and bleeding I shlep into the bedroom, sit on the bed and manage to wrap a bandage around my toe after three tries. I lie down but can’t get comfortable or fall asleep because my foot is throbbing like a jackhammer so I figure I’ll get up watch a Doris Day movie. However, I forget that I’m home alone and it’s okay to turn on a light so I slam into the leather bench at the foot of the bed and smash a toe on my OTHER foot. By now I’m in no mood for Doris Day whatsoever. I’d be much happier with Bride of Chucky or a chainsaw murder.

In case you missed this in the news yesterday, Robert Hegyes, the character who played Juan Epstein on “Welcome Back Kotter” in the mid-197os, died of a heart attack at age 60 ... the same age as me. (I suppose I should stop carrying on about my toes now.)

I have no idea what Hegyes did after “Kotter” went off the air in 1978 aside from a couple of commercials and turning gray. Gabe Kaplan, however, the comedian who played the actual role of “Kotter” (see left), is now a professional poker player and looks a lot like the dude who changes our oil at Jiffy Lube. Except the Jiffy Lube dude shaves.

And now for some comic relief, I give you the delusional GOP crackpot, Newt Gingrich (see right). Pandering to an out-of-work aerospace crowd in Florida yesterday he decides to announce that when we elect him President he’ll colonize the moon and turn it into a state by 2020. Judging from Newt’s racist views about lazy blacks on welfare and abolishing child labor laws so schools fire their janitors and force poor minority students to clean the toilets, let’s guess who he’d send to the moon to set up that first colony. (Think there’s any chance we can convince Newt to be governor? I’ll help him pack.)

I should try to get some sleep because it’s almost time for breakfast. Thank you for reading this.

“Craving incontinence.” Let’s search for a cure.

2012-01-26T11:36:00.000-06:00

And now for something weird. I woke up this morning at 8:30 with one thought in my head … an excursion to Gio’s Deli in Dallas for chopped liver, a couple of half-sour dills and a knish. I need chopped liver bad. Except it’s raining again and I don’t especially want to drive around town on wet freeways. I figure if it stops by noon (it’s supposed to) I’ll go to Gio’s later on instead. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Gio’s Deli on Preston Road.

I guess the weather gods felt my pain because it stops raining at 10:30, the sun comes out, and I’m thinking, glorioski, CHOPPED LIVER! I jump in the shower, blow-dry my hair, and by the time I’m done shpritzing myself with Estee Lauter I no longer have any craving for chopped liver whatsoever and my attention turns to washing a load of towels, reheating leftover soup and making hard-boiled eggs.

I actually find it frightening to be suffering from “craving incontinence,” a non-contagious disorder whereby senior citizens are unable retain a simple craving for more than 15 minutes at a time. While the condition can sometimes be attributed to not wanting to bother with shoes and a brassiere, in most cases the aforementioned senior citizen just forgets the craving altogether and moves on. I seriously hope there’s a pill for this and it’s available as a generic.

Thank you for reading this.

Clients, cake, rain and Cheez-Its.

2012-01-26T01:55:00.000-06:00

I know you’ve been waiting for the official news. The Dallas area has received 4¾" of rain during the last 36 hours, bringing our monthly total to 6½" — three times the average rainfall for January — with more expected later this morning. We tripled our average rainfall last month, too. I’m almost starting to get excited about this!

Once again I’m being bombarded by a ton of client projects, and it’s been pretty much nonstop since the first of the year with requests for website updates, tweaks or complete redesigns. I charge a pile of money to do this (Sam loves it when I charge a pile of money) but I have to work on my attitude a little because most of the time I just want everybody to GET LOST.

I’m wondering if any of you have ever seen the musical “Sweeney Todd”? TCM aired the 1982 made-for-TV movie last night, which was technically a televised broadcast of the Broadway show with music by Stephen Sondheim and starring Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Lovett, the whack job who baked humans into meat pies. Just between us, I do NOT understand the public’s ongoing fascination with this disgusting musical about a serial killer and a cannibal. The whole experience was so damn disturbing I almost couldn’t eat my cake and Cheez-Its.

Bedtime at last. Thanks for stopping by.

No, Bubba, your pickup truck won’t float.

2012-01-25T21:40:00.000-06:00

First, I’d like to share a couple of photos taken this morning in north Dallas following a night of torrential rain. All the ramps and underpasses to the LBJ Freeway were flooded and underwater, and emergency crews were staying busy with high water rescues because apparently the fine citizens of Dallas think their pickup trucks can FLOAT.

And now here’s one for the record books. Ralph Shortey, a nutjob Republican state senator from Oklahoma City, introduced a bill on Tuesday that would ban the use of aborted human fetuses in food even though he’s never actually heard of any company that’s doing this. Undeterred, Shortey said his own research led him to believe such a ban is absolutely necessary and his bill is aimed at “raising public awareness.” However, the executive director of Oklahomans for Life, a group that’s pushed some of the weirdest anti-abortion laws in the country through the state’s legislature, said he’s never heard of human fetuses being used in food or food research and basically thinks Shortey is an idiot. Although maybe not in those exact words.

Seriously, Ralphie ... fetuses in food? You don’t think state lawmakers are already wasting enough time? Why not introduce a bill to ban hamster pee in soft drinks or toe jam in Twinkies? (I’m feeling ill.)

Incidentally, I apologize if anybody is offended by the can of Campbell’s soup that appears in this post. It’s a joke. This is NOT a photo of an actual product.

Thank you for reading this.

Get ready to rumble!

2012-01-25T05:49:00.000-06:00

I’m having a crappy night’s sleep for one reason and one reason only ... GREAT BIG THUNDERSTORMS! They’ve been rolling through here for the last three or four hours with plenty of lightning, boomers and rain so heavy it sounds like a herd of buffalo running by the bedroom window. So I finally got up, poured myself a nice Marcy-tini and shlepped into the study to find out what’s happening on Weather.com. Here, for your possible interest, is the whole shebang.

The big red star denotes Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. If you zoom in I’m the cute one in the blue robe with squinty eyes because it’s 5 a.m. It’s okay to wave back if you want to.

In other news, the Alliance for Biking & Walking’s 2012 benchmark report indicates that Dallas is just about the worst big city in the United States when it comes to people riding their bikes to work. Seriously? Who the hell wants to ride a bicycle to work in Dallas? For eight months every year we’ve got temperatures above 90° with subtropical humidity, so commuting on a bike would only make sense if you work two blocks from home and stack dishes for a living at Sonny Bryan’s Smokehouse, where everybody else has heat stroke, too.

We also run the risk of getting trampled by wild man Rick Perry in a pickup truck or a gang of longhorns looking for greener pastures. No thanks. I’ll keep my Hyundai.

I should probably try to get a little more sleep so I won’t nod off watching “People’s Court” this afternoon. Thank you for reading this.

Celebrating homemade soup, frosted cake and a flood at White Rock Creek.

2012-01-24T23:39:00.000-06:00

I’m pleased to report that I’ve had a thoroughly worthwhile and productive day. I made a gigantic pot of homemade soup, baked and frosted a sugar-free chocolate cake, cleaned up the kitchen twice, spent three hours working on client projects, wrote several Howdygram posts beginning at 5:30 this morning, took two delicious naps, listened to the rain and watched the State of the Union address.

I also enjoyed a couple of good movies (see below) ... a 1944 biopic about Woodrow Wilson surprisingly titled Wilson with Alexander Knox, and an odd Hitchcock costume drama from 1949 called Under Capricorn with Ingrid Bergman. (I believe I slept through a significant portion of the latter. Sorry, Ingrid.)

For all you weather nerds out there, we’ve already had an inch of rain today with two more inches expected overnight and another two inches expected tomorrow. This will make a very significant dent in our “extreme drought” situation, and apparently White Rock Creek in Dallas is already at flood stage. Yee-haw! A flood!

The map above indicates: A) the location where White Rock Creek always overflows at Northwest Highway; and B) White Rock Lake, which is surrounded by lots of very snooty homes.

To wrap up an otherwise perfect day I think it’s time to unwind, eat cake and watch tonight’s episodes of “Tabatha Takes Over” and “Hardcore Pawn.” Thank you for reading this, and I mean it sincerely.

Highlights from Kazakhstan Fashion Week.

2012-01-24T16:59:00.002-06:00

With torrential rain less than 10 minutes away I thought I’d write a quickie post before I curl up in the family room with a movie and a bowl of homemade soup that smells so good I almost can’t stand it. The red star on the map below indicates Howdygram headquarters, and all that crazy weather is moving to the northeast and heading straight for Mesquite. I plan to keep my feet dry no matter what.

It’s NOT just Paris and New York! And now for the fashionistas among you, here’s a peek at six designer runway shows from Fashion Week events around the world. Kazakhstan? Who knew! The designer’s name appears under each photo. (Frankly, I’d be too embarrassed to admit it.)

Nice touch with the slurpee eye cups, Frankenstein shoulder pads and that plaid jock strap. Much like modern art and all that B.S. about beauty and the eye of the beholder, the photos above offer ample proof that “shit sells.” (In Kazakhstan, anyway.)

I need soup. Thank you for stopping by.

Glorioski! We’re actually expecting rain!

2012-01-24T05:36:00.000-06:00

Yo. It’s 5 a.m. and all’s well in north Texas although I have no idea why I’m awake at this hour because I didn’t actually go to bed until 1:45. But I figure if I’m up, you might be up, too, so I’ll sit here and write. Give me a little nudge if I start to nod off, okay?

Since Howdygramsters are known far and wide as engaged and model citizens, here’s a reminder to watch President Obama’s State of the Union address tonight. It’s on at 8 p.m. (Central time) and should turn out to be quite a major hoo-hah when you consider all the crappy, contentious, disrespectful blowhards sitting in Congress right now.

In case you’re interested in professional golf you also might want to check out the HSBC Golf Championship in Abu Dhabi later this week. The Golf Channel will be airing it live, which means you’d have to get up in the middle of the night with a Marcy-tini and a baloney sandwich to help you stay awake. (Frosted cake works nicely, too.) Another network will probably televise the final two days of competition (on Saturday and Sunday) during normal hours for the U.S. audience so please keep an eye on the Howdygram for additional details. Incidentally, Tiger Woods is scheduled to play. Go, Tiger! Thank you.

This ends the Howdygram’s public service announcements for January 24.

Glorioski! Did somebody do a rain dance? I’m pleased to post the following map from Weather.com, clearly indicating A VERY SERIOUS RAIN EVENT for Texas today, tonight and tomorrow. Although they’re NOT predicting thunder or severe weather, you’ll note that Dallas is in the “yellow” zone, which means we’re expecting up to 5" of rainfall ... and that’s very good news for our lakes, reservoirs, lawns and trees. (Plus the cattle are sick of drinking Dr. Pepper.)

After I go back to bed for a while — something I absolutely plan to do within the next 15 minutes — I’ll spend the morning making homemade soup since my fridge is stuffed with all the beautiful crapola I bought yesterday at Tom Thumb. By the way, I always make enough to share so please send an email if you’re interested.

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, Einstein, the Oklahoma dust bowl really sucked.

2012-01-23T23:07:00.002-06:00

This is no surprise. The Einsteins at Weather.com just revised our forecast (see my earlier post) and it seems that we’re no longer expecting any thunderstorms whatsoever ... just a 90% chance of rain from Tuesday afternoon through Wednesday evening. I’m fully confident they’ll revise it yet again by tomorrow morning until the forecast turns into mostly sunny and 65° with a light breeze from the Gulf so we can all dust off the patio furniture and sit outside with a sandwich. Seriously ... unless somebody starts delivering significant rainfall around here we’ll end up like the Oklahoma dust bowl (see photo, circa 1937).

There’s good news from California tonight ... Sam tells me he’s bringing home another batch of baby pictures! If they’re anywhere near as good as the batch he brought home last summer I’ll enlarge the whole lot of them to 11" x 14" and paper the entire foyer. My five favorite baby Sam photos currently appear in the right column of the Howdygram, cleverly titled “The Baby Sam Gallery.” I’m sure you’ll agree he was remarkably adorable with a pantload of personality!

I guess I’ll shlep myself into the family room now to watch a late movie and eat things. I’ve got a couple of Doris Day classics recorded — Lover Come Back (the one where she wears all those hats shaped like trash cans) and Pillow Talk — so I’ll probably watch one or both because Doris and Rock are banned around here whenever Sam’s home. Ditto for Debbie Reynolds and practically anything with Maurice Chevalier.

Thanks a million for stopping by. How’s the family?

Check this out and be glad if you’re not there.

2012-01-23T20:00:00.000-06:00

I don’t know where this happened but I’m awfully damn glad I’m somewhere else. I spent 40 years of my life in Chicago (mostly) and Michigan, trying to commute in crappy, terrifying weather like this. Never again.

I need cake. Thank you for reading this.

January 23 ... it’s a quadruple-whammy celebration!

2012-01-23T15:22:00.000-06:00

I’m sitting here at my desk fully dressed, listening for — go on, take a guess — the GARBAGE TRUCK to drive by. Seriously, I can’t wait to take a nap but first I have to wait for trash pickup so I can run down to the curb and haul the wheelie-can back into the garage because Sam and I are not slobs and never let the can sleep outside overnight. At the moment, however, this anti-slob routine is wrecking my afternoon and cutting into nap-time. The garbage truck is late.

Today is Monday, January 23, and the Howdygram is pleased to announce an exciting QUADRUPLE-WHAMMY CELEBRATION.

Whammy #1. Happy 80th birthday to my adorable mother-in-law, Belle, who’s pictured at right with Sam. They’re spending the day at the Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena because it’s raining and apparently there’s not much else to do except watch “The Price Is Right.”

Whammy #2. Today is CHINESE NEW YEAR and the entire Howdygram editorial staff (actually, just me) would like to wish y’all a deliriously happy Year of the Dragon. Egg foo young for everybody! (If egg foo young is unavailable just shake some soy sauce on your Wheaties.)

Whammy #3. Today is also NATIONAL PIE DAY, an event that deserves to be a legal holiday with a day off work and no mail delivery. Although I can finally celebrate National Pie Day as a diabetic with the three brand new sugar-free graham cracker pie crusts I’ve got sitting in the pantry, I woke up this morning with a critical craving for sugar-free chocolate cake with white frosting.

Yes, friends, I definitely march to a different drummer. I want cake on National Pie Day and matzo balls on Christmas.

Whammy #4. I finally did my grocery shopping this morning at Tom Thumb. It was a thoroughly worthwhile excursion during which I bought everything on my list plus a tub of Blue Bell sugar-free vanilla, SMUCKER’S SUGAR-FREE CARAMEL ICE CREAM SYRUP and — be still, my heart — new PEPPER-JACK CHEEZ-ITS. I’m so excited I want to eat everything at the same time and bake a sugar-free chocolate cake as soon as I’m done.

It was awfully nice of you to stop by today. Next time, call first and I’ll pick up a coffee cake.

Pumpkin pie filling and Miracle Whip ... the options are endless!

2012-01-22T23:48:00.001-06:00

The reason why I’m writing so many posts in Sam’s absence is because I can’t think of anything else to do with my time. I’ll have a new website to design in the not-too-distant future but won’t be able to get started until my client returns his signed contract. I’m expecting to hear from him tomorrow.

There’s some kind of screwy weather front rolling through here. It was very windy all day Sunday gusting to 45 m.p.h. plus a ton of dust blowing in from west Texas. Not leaving the house was an easy decision. Monday will be nice (see below) but on Tuesday everything gets kablooey with a 100% chance of thunderstorms and rain expected all day Wednesday as well. That’s a bold prediction for Dallas forecasters since they’re usually delusional, pathological liars and dead wrong about anything that remotely resembles precipitation.

Under the circumstances it’s my plan to get an early start to Tom Thumb in the morning so I can make the homemade soup mentioned in a previous post and also homemade potato salad in time for Sam’s homecoming next weekend.

Today’s Internet splurge, courtesy of Amazon.com ... three boxes of Atkins low glycemic (i.e., good for diabetics) Dark Chocolate/Coconut bars with almost no carbs. These are so damn beautiful you’ll swear you’re eating a Mounds.

Atkins has a bunch of other terrific varieties, too, such as Caramel Chocolate Mousse and another that tastes exactly like a Reese’s peanut butter cup. I wouldn’t mind stocking up on all of them but I always get scared off by too much of a good thing. Plus I don’t want my pantry to cave in.

Now that I’m desperately hungry I think I’ll prowl around for something to eat and watch a few episodes of “Cops.” I’ve got half a bowl of pumpkin pie filling in the fridge, a package of baloney, low-fat Miracle Whip and a jar of Claussen pickles. The options are endless!

Thank you for reading this.

“Add-A-Sam” … now only $29.95!

2012-01-22T12:52:00.000-06:00

I screwed up. I overslept this morning and now it’s too late to get to Tom Thumb before the First Baptist Church of Garland lets out. I’ll have to wait until later today (maybe around dinner time) or go tomorrow morning instead. I always try to shop when I know I can find a handicapped parking spot and the store isn’t so busy that I have to wait in line 20 minutes watching grandma Einstein sort a suitcase full of coupons while my knees give out. Contrary to popular opinion I do NOT enjoy shrieking obscenities, shaking my cane at the cashier and threatening to strangle other shoppers. I’m just saying.

And now for an exciting special offer from your pals at the Howdygram … our fabulous new “ADD-A-SAM” program, where we’ll Photoshop a happy, waving Sam* onto all of your treasured family vacation photos. Just imagine the possibilities ... Sam in Aspen, Sam at Disneyland, Sam on the beach in Hawaii!

*Choose Texas Sam or California Sam. Operators are standing by to take your call.

Know why Sundays sometimes suck? No deliveries! I’m waiting for piles of wonderful crap from Amazon.com but UPS and FedEx don’t knock on doors on Sunday so I’ll have to wait until tomorrow for my Palmolive dishwashing liquid and Suave body wash, which are pictured below for your possible interest.

Incidentally, I’m trying NEW FRAGRANCES for both of these products, which is mighty damn exciting for a variety of reasons. This time I ordered Palmolive’s “soft touch” dishwashing goo with aloe and Suave’s “milk & honey” body goo. (I love goo.)

I’d better eat some lunch. Thanks for stopping by!

Please ... no remedial farmers in the White House.

2012-01-22T06:08:00.000-06:00

So here’s the plan for Sunday. I woke up about an hour ago and decided I desperately need a pot of homemade beef barley soup today (except with chicken) so I’ll finish this post, go back to bed for a while and then drive over to Tom Thumb to pick up a few ingredients. I have almost everything in the house already except celery, barley, vegetable broth, kidney beans, baby carrots, chicken breasts, spinach and mushrooms. Okay, maybe “almost everything” was a small exaggeration. The only ingredients I’ve actually got are diced tomatoes, salt and parsley flakes.

Even though he’s back in Texas now, y’all should be very, very thankful that Governor Rick Perry (pictured at right in the middle of that famous “oops” moment) has exited the national stage as a candidate for President. And this is because THE DUDE IS AN IDIOT. In college he majored in Agriculture, barely squeaked by with a 2.0 GPA and a degree in Animal Science, and then proceeded to grease his way into politics because he never had the talent to do anything else. I downloaded Perry’s transcripts from a local news website yesterday and they paint a mighty grim picture: Cs, Ds and Fs in practically everything except for a B in “The Basics of Livestock Grading” in 1971. Obviously he was even too stupid to master the skills for farming. This sure sounds presidential, doesn’t it?

Time for a quick Marcy-tini and then I’d better get a little more sleep so I won’t fall down in Tom Thumb’s produce department. I’ll write more later. I promise.

The “Sam wave” sweeps North America.

2012-01-21T23:30:00.000-06:00

Forgive me for taking so long to write a post today. After I drove Sam to the airport this morning I wound up finishing a big pile of client projects, redesigned my invoice forms for 2012, quoted a new seven-page website for a caterer in North Carolina and then sent him a contract to sign and return because apparently he’s having a nervous breakdown and wants me to get started immediately. All of this involved a ton of back and forth emails and turned out to be a lot more work than I expected. I’m pretty sure I had a crabby face for a few hours but everything is much better now.

I’m pleased to announce my web shopping splurge du jour: a 12-box carton of jumbo TicTacs in the new “Powermint” flavor — they’re blue! — which I ordered from Amazon.com because a person can never have too many little minty things. Holy crap, I’ll have the best breath north of the Rio Grande!

Today was my mother-in-law’s 80th birthday party, and Sam’s Aunt Adie emailed the following photos about an hour ago. What a happy bunch of relatives! Please note that Sam’s older sister, Marian, joined the siblings via Skype (see the middle photo) because she’s snowbound in Seattle.

Incidentally, I’ll bet you didn’t know I married a rock star. When I talked to Sam this afternoon he mentioned that his aunt and cousins have been posing for pictures all over North America doing the famous “Sam wave.” You know ... the one I plaster all over the Howdygram (see right). Take a look below to meet some of the featured players. No kidding, this is so cute I could bust.

I think I’d better publish this post and find something to eat before I conk out. I’m considering baloney on white bread because Sam isn’t here to make fun of me. Baloney is good. Thank you for reading this.

Sock-folding party tonight at 8. Mark your calendar.

2012-01-20T14:38:00.000-06:00

Okay, so here’s the deal. Sam leaves tomorrow for eight days in southern California and I’ll be home alone in Texas with the Howdygram, the Internet and a couple of credit cards. Holy crap, does life ever get better than this?

I actually jumped the gun before dawn this morning with a mini-spree on eDietShop.com and Low-Carb.com, where I bought myself three packages of sugar-free pumpkin pie mix, three sugar-free graham cracker crusts, a bag of sugar-free Hershey’s chocolate chips and a box of Dreamfields low-carb angel hair pasta. (I apologize profusely. I could only find a photo of rotini.)

Just for the record, that sugar-free pumpkin pie mix is TO DIE FOR. Just throw it in the blender with four cups of nonfat milk, whiz it around for about 30 seconds and glorioski, you’ve got pie! You can either pour this into a pie crust and refrigerate for two hours or — what I did — into a big bowl like pudding. You can order it here. FYI, those sugar-free graham cracker crusts are also available at your local Walmart grocery store and on Amazon.com, except Amazon makes you buy a dozen at a time. This sucks unless you’re planning to make dessert for a shelter full of homeless diabetics.

My one big project for today other than designing a newsletter for a Lutheran church in Virginia — seriously — is LAUNDRY so Sam will have everything he needs for his trip. He’ll pack when he gets home from work tonight because we need to be at the airport tomorrow morning by 8:30. For your possible interest I’m pleased to provide this map that illustrates the location of: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport. This represents a pretty decent shlep of approximately 35 miles each way.

I’d better get started on all that laundry. Send an email if you’d like to stop by later with a bag of chips for a sock-folding party. We can watch last night’s episode of “Project Runway All Stars.” Thank you for reading this.

Razor refills, home-delivered Whoppers and three naked celebrities.

2012-01-19T16:39:00.000-06:00

Some people subscribe to “National Geographic.” I subscribe to Charmin. Such is the life of a web-shopping addict. Thanks to Amazon.com I almost never have to set foot in a grocery store unless I need grapes or a gallon of milk. I buy damn near everything else online, and I especially love Amazon’s Subscribe & Save program because you get an extra discount, free shipping, no sales tax and really speedy service. So far — in addition to toilet paper — I get recurring deliveries of Ziploc bags in two different sizes, peanut butter, coffee, shampoo, sugar-free Israeli halva, deodorant, toothpaste, dishwasher detergent, laundry supplies, body wash, Atkins snack bars, Mach 3 razor refills for Sam (remember him?) and I’m considering canned tomatoes.

Fast food news you can use. Beginning in February Burger King fans (Burger King has fans?) can “have it their way” at vending machines and grocery stores because the chain is lending its name to a new line of crappy snack chips ... because apparently they paid a marketing Einstein to discover that’s exactly what America needs. This venture is in partnership with the same idiot company that created a line of crappy snack chips for T.G.I. Friday’s. Burger King’s two flavors will be “Ketchup & Fries” and a yet-to-be named chip that’s supposed to taste like flame-broiled burgers. I’m definitely feeling nauseated.

But that’s not all. In a desperate effort to catch up with its fast food rivals, Burger King is also experimenting with home delivery. Customers will be able to order online or by phone, although at the present time delivery is available only in the Washington, D.C. area. If it’s successful the pilot program will be rolled out nationwide along with discount coupons for gastric bypass surgery. Just promise me nobody dressed like that gigantic king with the plastic head will ever show up at my front door.

Three naked celebrities. And finally, here’s a little something from our God Bless Photoshop department courtesy of comedian Conan O’Brien, who’s trying to beat the anticipated ban on morphing heads of public figures onto random naked bodies. Is this awesome, or what?

I think I’ll mosey into the family room now and sleep through one of my favorite movies ... The Kennel Murder Case starring William Powell. Thank you for reading this.

Stick a fork in him. He’s done.

2012-01-19T05:17:00.000-06:00

It’s the crack of dawn in Howdygramland and here I sit, TicTacs by my side, composing a post about hanging out with a box of breath mints. Is this entertaining, or what?

Stick a fork in him. According to a story this morning from ABC News, Rick Perry’s last few donors are admitting that his sad little presidential campaign is over at last. With the South Carolina primary looming ahead on Saturday, Perry is polling slightly below six percent ... the same number of voters who say they have no opinion about this crap whatsoever. While I’m personally thrilled they’re finally ready to put this campaign out of its misery, I wish somebody would figure out a way to keep Governor Einstein — whose entire range of job skills is limited to nice hair, firearms and prayer breakfasts — from coming back to Texas! Thank you in advance for your attention to this request.

More later. I’m going back to bed.

Everything you’ve always wanted to know about the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

2012-01-18T19:51:00.002-06:00

Howdy from north Texas. I’m not feeling especially chatty at the moment because I ran out of cake and can’t figure out what to eat for dinner, so I thought I’d share a few important events from this date in history for your possible interest.

January 18, 1803. President Thomas Jefferson requests funds from Congress to pay for the Lewis and Clark Expedition. Jefferson recruited his personal secretary, Meriwether Lewis, to lead the exploration and asked him to figure out how much money he would require for the trip. The final tally came to $2,500, which Lewis requested mostly in American Express traveler’s checks and Target gift cards. The largest expense was $696 for gifts to the Indians that included Ginsu knives, ThighMaster exercisers and “Wayne Newton Sings Gospel Favorites.”
January 18, 1882. A.A. Milne, creator of Winnie-the Pooh, is born in Hampstead, England. Milne’s only son, Christopher Robin, was born in 1920, and shortly thereafter the family bought a small farm in Sussex that inspired the 100-Acre Wood where Winnie-the-Pooh’s stories would be set. Milne died in 1956 clutching a stuffed animal.

January 18, 1912. British explorer Robert Falcon Scott arrives at the South Pole after a difficult journey. Traveling from base camp, their motor sleds broke down, ponies had to be shot, and the dog teams were sent back as Scott and four companions continued on foot. They reached the pole on January 18 only to find that over-achiever Roald Amundsen of Norway had preceded them by more than a month. Shlepping back to base camp they ran out of Cheez Whiz, their Ding-Dongs froze, and Scott and the remaining survivors were trapped for four weeks by a severe storm. Their bodies were recovered eight months later.
January 18, 1975. Barry Manilow’s first pop hit, “Mandy,” reaches the Top 40 charts. Manilow would go on to sell more than 75 million records over the course of his storied career, which has included 367 Botox injections and concert dates at every Indian casino on the planet.

I’ve made a decision at last. It’s bean soup for dinner and a nice bagel, all preceded by a hot shower because my hands are cold. Thanks for stopping by, okay? Give my regards to the family.

A North Korean “Family Feud” and other news of interest.

2012-01-17T18:50:00.001-06:00

I know I haven’t mentioned this before, but Sam is leaving for California on Saturday morning. There’s an 80th birthday bash for my mother-in-law in the afternoon, then Sam will stay around for an extra week to eat omelets at Norm’s and horse around with his favorite friends and relatives. This sounds like a terrific plan for Sam because he needs a break, but in MY case I’ve been trying to put together a list of fun projects and excursions in his absence and can’t think of anything I want to do without him except buy olives at Central Market (see below) and get a haircut.

But no matter what I finally decide to do during my eight days of “alone time,” at least Dallas is expecting gorgeous weather in which to do it ... such as temperatures in the low 70s with no snow, ice or anything that resembles winter in any way whatsoever. Glorioski!

And now, the North Korean edition of “Family Feud.” Earlier today Kim Jong Il’s eldest son, the doofus playboy Kim Jong Nam (see below, right), predicted that North Korea’s regime will “not last long” under the new rule of his half brother, handsome 27-year-old Kim Jong Un. In an email to a Japanese reporter he described the country’s family dynasty as “a joke to the outside world.”

Kim Jong Nam, who lives in China, is 40 years old, hangs out in casinos and enjoys a jet-set lifestyle. He apparently fell out of favor with his late father after being caught trying to enter Japan on a fake passport in 2001 so he could visit Disney’s Tokyo resort. Millions of North Koreans have starved to death since the late 1990s, a fact that obviously makes no difference to the well-fed pair of little weirdos pictured above.

I think I’ll order something wonderful from China City now and wait for tonight’s episodes of two of my favorite reality shows ... “Tabatha Takes Over” on Bravo and “Hardcore Pawn” on TruTV.

If you’re not watching these programs you definitely need to give them a shot. I’ve mentioned “Hardcore Pawn” in previous posts (click here) so I probably shouldn’t have to provide another overview. As for Tabatha, she’s a bitchy, business-savvy Australian hairdresser who transforms decrepit beauty salons. This season she’s expanding her show to include decrepit yogurt shops, decrepit pet kennels, decrepit gay bars and so on. I can hardly wait and thank you for reading this.

Cake and ice cream for everybody!

2012-01-16T21:49:00.000-06:00

Miscellaneous retail baloney. Kirkland’s is one of my favorite go-to stores for home decor doodads, candle holders and assorted rustic whatnots. I’m sad to report, however, that lately Kirkland’s seems to be in a desperate situation. For instance: 1) what used to be a pleasant weekly email ad with a $10 coupon is now four or more truly annoying emails EVERY DAY; 2) their store-branded credit card and frequent-buyer perks were discontinued as of December 31; and 3) they’re CLOSING STORES ... four so far in the Dallas area since the first of the year and probably a few in YOUR area, too. My local Kirkland’s in Mesquite is still breathing but I might have to do a weekly drive-by just to keep tabs.

Sad, sad news. “USA Today” reports that Dan Evins, founder of the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store restaurant chain, has died at age 76. The company’s press release states that Cracker Barrel caters to highway travelers, focusing on Southern hospitality, high-quality country-style cooking and an associated gift shop. Yeah, right. If Cracker Barrel sells “high-quality country-style cooking,” I’m Eleanor Roosevelt.

Sam and I have eaten at Cracker Barrel, and there’s a Cracker Barrel restaurant right here in Mesquite at the Galloway exit from I-635. Trust me ... Cracker Barrel microwaves their entrees, reheats vegetables that come from cans, and the average age in the dining room is 75 because you don’t need any teeth to eat their food. As for that “associated gift shop,” be sure to browse Cracker Barrel’s fine selection of outdated jawbreakers, gum and candy or pick up a thoughtful bottle of liniment — seriously — for loved ones on your gift list. Does anybody really buy this crap?

“Your President is not a crook.” I’m suffering from a serious overdose of Richard Nixon minutiae after watching two feature-length films today — Frost/Nixon with Frank Langella and Nixon with Anthony Hopkins — that delivered more than FIVE HOURS of excruciating detail concerning Vietnam, Cambodia, slush funds, Bebe Rebozo, the Democratic headquarters break-in, dirty tricks, missing tapes, the White House cover-up, firing the special prosecutor and tricky Dick’s delusions, paranoia and eventual resignation. Of the two movies I think I liked Nixon best because it included the entire scandalous cast of White House ~~characters~~ ~~staffers~~ criminals, as pictured below.

By the way, if you don’t know what I’m talking about you seriously need a refresher in modern American history. Click here to read the whole story courtesy of “The Washington Post.” For the record, Richard Nixon was a crook.

And finally, the Howdygram would like to extend belated birthday wishes to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who would be 83 years old if he hadn’t died in 1968. The City of Mesquite celebrated Dr. King’s birthday by not picking up our garbage.

Sam called a few minutes to let me know he’ll be working late so I think I’ll make some sugar-free raspberry jello, toast a bagel and watch today’s episode of “People’s Court.” Thank you for reading this.

Boys will be boys.

2012-01-15T23:45:00.000-06:00

If you thought I wasn’t going to write a post today you almost nailed it. I had a headache most of the day so Sam brought home a pizza from I Fratelli for lunch, after which we took naps and enjoyed several wonderful movies, including Father’s Little Dividend with Spencer Tracy and Elizabeth Taylor, Secretariat with Diane Lane and the Tracy/Hepburn classic Adam’s Rib. I attempted to watch Cecil B. DeMille’s Cleopatra from 1934 with Claudette Colbert and Warren William but it was so excruciatingly crappy that I erased it, ate sugar-free halva and moved on with my life.

And now for the latest slice of baloney from GOP presidential hopeful Rick Perry, who’s currently hovering in last place everywhere in the United States ... including (and especially) his home state of Texas. On Sunday Perry accused the Obama administration of “disdain for the military” for condemning four Marines who urinated on dead bodies in Afghanistan. Perry says the Marines are “just kids” and shouldn’t be held accountable.

You’re certainly entitled to your demented view of this situation, Rick, so I think we should bring the Marines home to pee on YOU. Boys will be boys, right?

Thank you for reading this.

Longhorns are some of the cutest people we know.

2012-01-14T23:04:00.000-06:00

It was a nice, quiet day at Howdygram headquarters beginning with Senior Scrambled Eggs at Denny’s, a drive through Sunnyvale, several consecutive naps, dinner at home (Easy One-Pot Greek Rice) followed by a couple of okay movies.

First we saw Passport to Suez (1943) with Warren William and Eric Blore, a thoroughly lame World War II spy thriller pretending to be Casablanca except it was based in Egypt, everybody’s accent was atrocious and the Humphrey Bogart part was played by — of all people — Sheldon Leonard (see right). The plot was so awful we almost started rooting for the Nazi spies. And we HATE Nazi spies.

Next we saw Hell Divers, a 1931 adventure film about Navy pilots in Elmer Fudd hats starring Wallace Beery and Clark Gable with no mustache.

Hell Divers was actually way better than I expected and included some very well done fake flying scenes with plenty of fake stunts and fake pilots jumping out of fake planes with fake parachutes that wouldn’t open. There’s even a tear-jerker ending when Wallace Beery winds up saving Clark Gable’s life but has to sacrifice his own in the process and the entire crew of the U.S.S. Saratoga is crying like a bunch of girls.

Breaking news! The annual Fort Worth Stock Show and Rodeo opened today and runs through February 4 at the Fort Worth Stockyards. Here are a few photos for your possible interest from the kickoff parade.

Sam and I didn’t attend the parade but we love longhorns and never miss an opportunity to post photos of them. Longhorns are some of the cutest people we know.

Here’s something exciting! Tomorrow Sam will finally complete his wild-west education with a two-hour gun safety class at 10 a.m. so he can run for marshal of Mesquite in 2013. (I might be kidding about the marshal part.) Yee-haw, pass the bullets and thank you for reading this!

Cute babies, Clorox bleach and thanks for nothing, John McCain.

2012-01-13T22:24:00.000-06:00

Here’s what I do at 4 in the morning when nobody’s looking. I order a large bottle of Maja cologne from Overstockperfume.com, a bigger and better roaster from Amazon.com and a couple of gallon jugs of Clorox bleach from Walmart.com. The bleach was an especially nice bargain at $1.98. This time I’m trying that fancy-schmancy “Clean Linen” scent.

Today’s pet peeve. All of a sudden everybody is deifying SOLDIERS, and I don’t get it. Personally, I think we can blame pasty-faced screwball John McCain for this baloney because he got the ball rolling during his 2008 presidential campaign. McCain spent so much time glorifying members of the military — I even saw him cry talking about General Petraeus — that I was ready to barf in camouflage all over the TV. And I remember nutjob Sarah Palin screeching during one of her speeches that “John McCain knows how to win a war!” (Actually, Sarah, he doesn’t. He knows how to be a P.O.W.)

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad there are people who volunteer to join the military. I just can’t understand why it’s such a big hoo-hah and why we have to elevate soldiers to the status of demi-gods. Restaurants, retail stores, schools, major league sports, special event venues, airlines, car dealers and cruise ships give them discounts, freebies, honors, upgrades and extra courtesies ... but I think policemen, firefighters, Chinese food delivery dudes and the Howdygram editorial staff deserve free crap and upgrades, too, because we all provide such essential services. I’m just saying.

And now I’d like to share some heartwarming family photos. First up is my niece Melissa’s little boy, Tyler, who’s 3½ years old. Is this guy precious, or what? These were taken just before Christmas last year.

And here’s baby Cooper, one day old, posing with his father’s hand in the upper photo and with his mom, Allison (Melissa’s younger sister), in the one below it. These were taken about two weeks ago.

By the way, we didn’t go to Denny’s this morning for Senior Scrambled Eggs but I’m okay with that because I know they won’t run out and there’s always Saturday and Sunday. Thank you for reading this.

Five reasons why Sam won’t watch “Project Runway.”

2012-01-13T03:21:00.000-06:00

Even though I can comfortably enjoy one hour each week of whiny, competitive whack jobs creating strange clothes under ridiculous working conditions, Sam’s primary issue with “Project Runway” concerns the requisite flock of flaming designers, of which the current season — “Project Runway All Stars” — boasts five of the best. They are:

The two who consistently test a straight person’s patience are Mondo and Austin. See for yourself. Here are six shots of Mondo in various teeny little outfits featuring Daisy Duke shorts, bow ties, knee socks and screwy hats. Mondo is convinced his mother didn’t know he was gay until he came out on “Project Runway” two years ago. Seriously.

For my money, Austin Scarlett makes Mondo look like Mr. Universe. He dyes and curls his hair, wears lipstick, acts like a little girl and usually looks so feminine (see below) that he finally decided to grow a mustache ... probably so he can use a men’s room without somebody beating his brains out. Austin designs evening gowns and calls himself a “diva.” That’s pretty accurate.

Happy Friday the 13th from Sam and me even though I’m the only one available at 3:15 in the morning to extend this heartfelt greeting. Sam is in bed, asleep, and I’ve got a slight touch of insomnia with a side order of Coke Zero. A few hours from now I hope to con Sam into breakfast at Denny’s because we love their Senior Scrambled Eggs. I strayed last weekend and tried a Senior Omelet, but the Senior Scrambled Eggs are better because they come with pancakes.

Thanks for stopping by. Shut the light when you’re through, okay?

You heard it here first. When all else fails, eat cake.

2012-01-12T19:46:00.004-06:00

News flash. I’ve been surly, sardonic, pissed off, hostile and generally snotty for the last several days. The biggest issue, and I know I’ve mentioned this a million times, is that I’m so sick of my clients I could SCREAM. For months the main focus of my life has been senior citizen discounts and how soon can I retire, but clients from coast to coast are bombarding me with project requests for really stupid website updates ... all since the first of the year. Yesterday one bozo in Philadelphia sent me 27 consecutive emails with a different photo attached to each one. No kidding, I’m ready to shove a mousepad up her nose.

Another contributing factor is the pharmacy at our local Walmart and how many fresh and exciting ways they can find to screw up my meds. I went three rounds on the phone this morning with a pharmacist whose primary language is Martian, trying to understand why the prescription Sam picked up on Tuesday only contained two Victoza injectable pens rather than three ... which means I’ll run out of my diabetes medication 10 days early. The pharmacist tried really hard to weasle out of it, but IT’S NOT MY FAULT if Walmart mixed up my prescription numbers and filled the wrong one!

Thank God I have a fabulous physician. Tomorrow Dr. M will give me a Victoza pen for free plus a new prescription that I’ll gladly take to CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreen’s, Tom Thumb, Albertson’s or Kroger ... ANYWHERE BUT WALMART.

I have a suspicion my “happy pills” aren’t working too well right now. I need cake.

Incidentally, it’s cold in north Texas! The current temperature is 34° with 22° expected overnight. But that’s about it for winter, however, since we’re expecting 65° on Saturday and Sunday, the low 70s on Monday and the mid-60s all next week. There’s really no point sending mittens because we won’t need them. Send cash instead.

Thank you for reading this.

I can’t think of a title for this post. Sue me.

2012-01-11T23:40:00.000-06:00

I meant to write a post hours ago but really haven’t had a chance. Everything is upside-down.

First, Sam didn’t get home from work until 5 this morning, so right off the bat that’s a crappy way to start your day. We woke up at 10:30, migrated into the family room and sat around like a couple of slugs eating lox and bagels and watching The King’s Speech on Showtime. Incidentally, if you haven’t seen The King’s Speech we highly recommend it. It was nominated for 12 Academy awards last year and won four (best picture, best actor, best screenplay, best director). The movie poster appears below.

After Sam went back to work at 3 this afternoon I finally had a chance to jump into a few projects of my own. Specifically, I: 1) washed, dried, folded and put away four loads of laundry; 2) made a big pot of Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage that actually managed NOT to explode all over the oven this time; 3) emptied the dishwasher; 4) reorganized a silverware drawer; 5) spent five hours at the computer working on two exceptionally tedious client projects; and 6) refilled my pill sorter for the next seven days.

My brain is fried. All I really want to do right now is eat cake, put my feet up and watch tonight’s episode of “Top Chef” even though this is their lousiest season ever and not one contestant has enough apparent talent to boil an egg.

Thank you for reading this.

Losers in the news and why you shouldn’t eat Underwood Deviled Ham.

2012-01-11T01:11:00.000-06:00

This will probably be a post about lots of nothing special. I’ve got a list of potential topics and a few images to share, but my motivation will depend on what time I start to poop out and if Sam is coming home before sunrise or not. There’s really no way to know about Sam, because he’s got a huge hoo-hah project going on at the office and I haven’t heard from him since he pulled out of the garage at 3:15 yesterday afternoon. Let’s hold a good thought, okay?

Today’s pet peeve. Just because news websites aren’t bound by the same space limitations as print publications doesn’t mean we’re willing to read PILES OF MEANINGLESS CRAP. In addition to Todd Palin’s earth-shaking endorsement of Newt Gingrich and Chaz Bono’s upcoming trip to Belgrade to buy himself a shmeckle, I refer to the following “news stories” I found during the last 24 hours:

Obscure former actress Kristy McNichol has “come out” as a lesbian to help teens who are bullied for their sexual orientation. Since Kristy hasn’t appeared on TV since 1995 there’s not a teen on earth who even knows who she is ... so what’s the point?
Despicable Casey Anthony releases a video to show off her new blonde hair, glasses and nose rings.
A 21-year-old Iranian man wound up with a permanent erection after having “good luck with your journeys” and the letter “M” (his girlfriend’s initial) tattooed on his penis.
Desperate D-list celebrity and “Dancing with the Stars” flop Kate Gosselin will hostess a party on a Royal Caribbean cruise and sell autographs to her fans. Kate Gosselin has fans?

I couldn’t find a photo of the stupid Iranian dude’s penis. (Sorry.)

In breaking news, the Wall Street Journal reports that Hostess, beloved Texas-based maker of popular polyester lunchbox snacks, is filing for chapter 11 bankruptcy because they owe their vendors more than $50 million. It’s too soon to know whether or not Twinkies and Ding-Dongs will emerge unscathed so the Howdygram recommends stockpiling your favorites TODAY.

And finally, does anybody remember Mason Reese, that funny little kid back in the mid-1970s who did all those cute TV commercials for Dunkin’ Donuts, Raisin Bran and Underwood Deviled Ham? Here’s a photo of Mason today for your possible interest and amusement ... living proof that nobody should ever eat deviled ham under any circumstances.

It’s almost 1 a.m. and I still haven’t heard from Sam, so maybe I’ll mosey into the family room and watch last night’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn.” If you’ve never seen this program I highly recommend it. It’s about a Jewish family’s gigantic pawn shop in Detroit’s inner-city area, and the customers that come and go are a collection of loudmouths, lunatics and homicidal maniacs you really don’t want to miss. This is TV at its finest and even Sam is starting to enjoy it. My favorite part is when security has to throw out one of the aforementioned homicidal maniacs. (This happens a lot.)

My very best regards to your family. Thank you for reading this.

Behold ... “gefilte fish for goyim.”

2012-01-10T17:29:00.000-06:00

I’m running on empty today and I can’t figure out why. I had more than enough sleep last night in addition to a two-hour nap that ended at 3 p.m. just in time to watch Sam leave for work. However, I need a little extra energy to tackle the mountain of laundry waiting for me so I’m thinking I should scrounge up something fun to eat, such as frosted cake and leftover egg foo young. (I have a really nice life.)

I have a question for you. What the hell is wrong with baloney? Baloney is basically a hotdog on steroids that’s mighty wonderful on white bread with two slices of American cheese. Sam completely disagrees, makes a face and says baloney is “gefilte fish for goyim.”

Please post a comment or send an email if you’re a baloney fan so I won’t get too despondent about this. Baloney is good. Nobody should hate on baloney.

Today’s pet peeve. Idiot clients who make me resend email attachments over and over and over because they can’t figure out how to retrieve them on a Blackberry. I just went five rounds with a bozo bridal consultant in South Carolina who kept writing back: “I didn’t get the attachment.” This is YOUR problem, Einstein, not MINE. Figure out how to use your stupid phone and stop wasting my time.

Today’s other pet peeve. Deadbeats. And I refer specifically to one client in particular who’s been making me crazy for THREE YEARS and can’t pay her bills under any circumstances whatsoever. Her credit card is rejected every time a quarterly web hosting payment is due and I wind up with another lie from her growing arsenal: 1) my purse was stolen; 2) a scam just wiped out my bank account; 3) my house is in foreclosure and I can’t pay you; 4) I’m out of the country and don’t have my bank password; 5) I need to feed my family first; and 6) I’ll have to get back to you on (pick one) Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, tomorrow, tonight or next week. She’s officially out of second chances. If she can’t cough up her quarterly hosting payment by the end of the day tomorrow I intend to shut down her website. To tell you the truth, I haven’t been this excited about anything since I discovered sugar-free halva on Amazon.com.

Incidentally, despite evidence to the contrary, I have NOT turned into a cranky old poop-head even though I just hung up on a telemarketer from the Mesquite Lions Club and wrote two rather intense paragraphs about pet peeves. I’m just an attractive and opinionated senior citizen with zero patience for morons, dimwits, jerks, frauds and Einsteins. Thank you for reading this, and I sincerely hope you’re having a wonderful day.

Lose the itchy mop dress. Seriously.

2012-01-10T01:47:00.000-06:00

I almost forgot to remind everybody about “Project Runway All Stars” on Lifetime. Tune in every Thursday night at 8 p.m. Central time to watch all your least-favorite whiny losers from eight previous seasons. I’m not sure I’ll have the stomach for this, but after surviving 12 weeks of “Work of Art” I guess I can put up with damn near anything.

Here, for your possible interest, are two of the runway fashions from last week’s episode. Mila designed an outfit from plastic-covered lawn chair fabric and phone cords; April’s dress was a macramé monstrosity made of floor mops. They’re both frightening — would you want gigantic train tracks running around your thighs? — but the mop fringe makes me itch and the model on the right looks like she’s ready to bludgeon somebody.

I suppose that’s it for now. It’s raining, I’m tired, my feet are cold and Sam has been asleep since midnight. Thank you for reading this and I’m heading off to bed.

Introducing the official Howdygram food pyramid.

2012-01-09T21:44:00.000-06:00

Can you smell it? I just took a sugar-free yellow cake out of the oven to cool. Frosting is the next step because every cake is better with frosting. For those of you considering a healthier diet for the new year, you may be interested to know that frosted cake stands alone at the top of the Howdygram’s official food pyramid, directly above Coke Zero.

I, for one, sincerely hope these recommendations will help all of you make better choices. I also try to consider a green vegetable at least once a month and in lieu of fruit I like gummi bears or jello.

We’ve had considerable rainfall around here today as illustrated by the map below. Our total so far is about 1½ inches with more on the way tonight and tomorrow. Howdygram headquarters is denoted by the red star, but there’s no point zooming in because you can’t see me. (It’s 47° and I’m in the house.)

In breaking news, an article this afternoon on ABC News’ website reported that Alaska’s former “first dude” Todd Palin, spouse of Sarah Einstein Palin, has endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. As if anybody really gives a crap what Todd Palin thinks. (All I need now is Kim Kardashian’s valued opinion and I’m ready to cast my vote.)

Sam will be home from work soon so I’d better frost my cake. Thanks for stopping by. Incidentally, you look terrific. Have you taken off some weight?

Fonts, freaks and a big hoo-hah from Whataburger.

2012-01-09T04:12:00.000-06:00

It’s the middle of the night and it’s RAINING here. Water has been falling from the sky for at least three hours and will continue to fall all day today, all night tonight and all day tomorrow as well. The only difference is, we’re expecting a bunch of badass thunderstorms today starting around 10 a.m. Frankly, I can’t wait. We need the rain and I love thunderstorms. To celebrate I think I’ll spend all day cooking things, such as Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage and maybe a sugar-free frosted cake. I’m so excited I may not be able to go back to sleep.

Breaking stupid news. Whataburger, the south’s favorite hamburger chain for no good reason whatsoever, has introduced “spicy ketchup” for a limited time only, a fact that apparently is supposed to coerce fans of their dry, overcooked fast food to run out and give it a shot. Whataburger’s news release says their new spicy ketchup is just regular ketchup with a squirt of jalapeño puree and was produced in a “limited batch” to be served at all 730 restaurant locations in 10 states. I don’t know about you, but “limited batch” evokes somebody stirring a three-quart kettle on the stove ... not 730 restaurants in 10 states.

I’m told there’s even a Facebook page for spicy ketchup’s new flock of “friends.” Whataburger says they didn’t initiate it, but they’re LYING. No way this wasn’t a brainchild of their Einstein P.R. department because even Rick Perry isn’t dumb enough to be friends with ketchup. (I might be wrong about this, however.)

On Saturday I downloaded more free comic book fonts from Blambot.com in addition to the other free fonts I downloaded last Monday (see my earlier posts here and here). If you’re even slightly creative I strongly recommend visiting Blambot’s website for lots of inspiration.

Before I sign off I wanted also to share this photo of freakish and ghostly Mrs. Newt Gingrich, age 45, a woman so vain she must spend six hours a day gluing every hair into place when she’s not racking up debt at Tiffany’s. Just between us, she scares the hell out of me and the photo at right was actually the most flattering I could find. Two more appear below for your possible amusement.

Thank you for reading this. I apologize if I’m giving you nightmares.

John Wayne probably deserves better than this.

2012-01-08T05:52:00.000-06:00

Good morning, Howdygramsters. It’s not quite the crack of dawn here in north Texas but I’m awake nonetheless, working on a grocery list and keeping company with a nice box of TicTacs.

Sam and I enjoyed our junket to Oklahoma yesterday even though it was slightly different than our usual experience. For instance: 1) the Choctaw Casino is hosting the World Series of Poker through the end of January so it was almost impossible to find a parking area that wasn’t reserved for the valet service; 2) neither of us won anything at the slots; 3) somebody brought a screaming baby to the buffet; and 4) they ran out of guacamole.

For your possible interest, yesterday’s featured sugar-free pie was chocolate meringue. No normal person could ever find fault with that.

I just received an email from TCM.com promoting a bunch of John Wayne merchandise that includes a few movie DVDs, a couple of hats and the 8-inch figurine pictured below that sells for $74.95.

I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a hell of a lot of money to spend on a toy that doesn’t actually do anything, such as talk, pee, dance the jitterbug, shoot real bullets or bobble its head. And poor Duke is wearing his hat like Lupe Vélez and looks like he’s straddling a moldy Chips Ahoy cookie with a kitchen towel around his neck. I’m just saying.

I should go back to bed now. Stop by later for another post because I have lots more assorted crap to write. Thank you for reading this.

Doesn’t every presidential candidate have his own grenade launcher?

2012-01-07T05:30:00.000-06:00

I shouldn’t be here right now. I shouldn’t be sitting at my desk with a Marcy-tini writing a Howdygram post at 5:15 in the morning because Sam is taking me to the Choctaw Casino today to play the penny slots and eat sugar-free pie and I don’t want to conk out in the car on the way to Oklahoma! (Don’t tell anybody, but I frequently tend to do this whether I get enough sleep or not.)

And now for a little comic relief from the GOP’s race to the White House. I uncovered a feature story last night on ABC’s news website about macho good ol’ boy Rick Perry and his lifelong love affair with — you guessed it — GUNS. During a recent hunting trip in Iowa, Perry told a reporter, “It’s been a long love affair with a boy and his gun that turned into a man and his gun, and it turned into a man and his son and his daughter and their guns.” He believes the second amendment to the Constitution gives him the right to carry a gun when he goes jogging with his daughter so he can kill coyotes. (He actually does this.) Perry is pictured below with his favorite weapon of choice.

Governor Blowhard has decided not to compete in New Hampshire where a new poll shows him at the bottom of the GOP field with less than one percent, so he’s focusing instead on South Carolina where he’s polling much better at five percent. I guess we should be grateful that Michele Bachmann dropped out of the race. She gave Rick Perry a guaranteed shot at finishing last.

I think I’ll head back to bed now and keep Sam company for a couple of hours. Thanks for stopping by and don’t forget to turn out the lights when you’re through.

Ernest Borgnine is no Gene Kelly and other critical observations.

2012-01-06T16:57:00.001-06:00

It’s Friday afternoon and I have a headache and a craving for liverwurst. This is mildly frightening, so to help ward off the demons I’ve decided to write a post that covers at least 263 different topics. Thank you for putting up with me.

Weekend plans. Sam promised me a trip to the Choctaw Casino tomorrow to play the penny slots and eat sugar-free pie, activities that seem to evoke an equally gleeful response every time he suggests them to me. We’re expecting glorious January weather — 62° with sunshine — and I might even take a few pictures to share with y’all afterwards. Then again, maybe not. On Sunday we have no plans at all, which is probably a good thing because I’ve got a couple of client projects to finish and lately it’s getting harder and harder to find the motivation. I’ve developed a snotty attitude and I want to retire.

Limited-time special while quantities last. Now that I’m all set up to process credit card sales online with a “virtual terminal” it’s probably a good time to sell the hardwired desktop terminal I’ve been using for the last couple of years.

The Nurit 2085 requires a phone jack and an electrical outlet, accepts standard rolls of 2¼-inch thermal receipt tape, is fun to dust and has little rubbery buttons that beep. You can buy the terminal new on Amazon.com for about $145 but I’ll sacrifice mine for $50 with the original box and six new rolls of receipt tape since I don’t need those any more, either. Please send me an email if any of this sounds interesting to you. By the way, you need a merchant account in order to use a credit card terminal. (I shouldn’t have to mention this, but you never know.)

Coyote serenades the Great Dallas Earthquake of 2012. On Friday morning a teeny little temblor occured in Dallas near University Park. The 2.0 magnitude quake was recorded at Northwest Highway and Inwood Road just after midnight. The U.S. Geological Survey says there were no reports of damage but a woman in Starbucks claims she heard a coyote. (I suggest she might consider cutting back on the caffeine.) For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) The epicenter at Northwest Highway and Inwood; and B) Starbucks. I have no idea whatsoever where the coyote was located.

Frankly, a 2.0 quake is about the same as a fart and not really worth mentioning. It’s amazing what I’ll do to fill up the Howdygram, isn’t it?

Anybody remember Meg Ryan? These before and after pictures pretty much say it all. The Howdygram’s official style maven — yours truly — thinks it might be time for Meg to give up on plastic surgery and that bed-head hairdo. (What looked cute at 25 gets scary at 50.)

And speaking of scary ... Transgender doofus Chaz Bono is in the news again today, announcing that he finally saved up enough money to buy himself a weenie so he can pee like a real guy in public bathrooms. I’m not joking about this.

~~She~~ He will travel to Belgrade for the surgery because it’s only $45,000 and a lot less expensive than in the U.S. Chaz says he didn’t try to borrow penis money from his mother (Cher) because he wants to be self-sufficient. Also because she’d probably whack him in the head with a frying pan. (Note to Cher: it might help.).

Tinseltown’s finest hour. And finally, as a glaring example of inexplicable Hollywood casting, here’s Ernest Borgnine singing and dancing with Gordon MacRae and Dan Dailey in 1956’s musical flop The Best Things in Life Are Free. Borgnine’s performance, which could be classified as a classic train wreck, comes just one year after he played the sadistic villain in Bad Day at Black Rock and won a best actor Oscar for the title role in Paddy Chayefsky’s beloved drama, Marty. This video clip is actually fun to watch, however, because the big oaf is obviously enjoying himself. (As far as I know Borgnine never sang again on screen, and for that we should all be sincerely grateful.)

One last thought. Those Pillsbury sugar-free brownies turned out GREAT last night! Sam plunged in the minute he got home from work and ate two so fast I think he forgot to chew. Thank you for reading this.

June Cleaver, up close and personal.

2012-01-05T20:34:00.000-06:00

I don’t know if you can smell this or not, but I’ve got pan of SUGAR-FREE FUDGE BROWNIES in the oven! Sam issued a special request yesterday after he brought home that truckload of Pillsbury mixes from Walmart. I had hoped to bake them right away but didn’t have a chance after I got caught up in all that crap about my “virtual terminal.” It’s just not possible to pretend I’m June Cleaver when I actually want to bludgeon everybody in technical support.

Incidentally, for those of you younger than 50 who have no idea who June Cleaver is, she was a popular and practically perfect TV sitcom mom on “Leave It to Beaver” from 1957 to 1963 (learn more). June, Ward, Wally and The Beaver lived at 211 Pine Street in the fictitious town of Mayfield. June wore pearls in the kitchen to bake cookies and never trusted Eddie Haskell. She did, however, like Lumpy Rutherford and Beaver’s teacher, Miss Landers. A photo of the Cleavers’ previously-mentioned residence appears below. If it looks slightly familiar, this is the same house Universal Studios used for “Marcus Welby, M.D.” Seriously.

I just realized I haven’t eaten anything whatsoever since 11:15 this morning, so in the interest of expedience and convenience — and also to feed my favorite addiction — I just placed a nice order from China City that should be here around 9. I usually don’t order food this late. I’m living dangerously in my old age.

Thank you for reading this.

Manischewitz clearance sale, today only.

2012-01-05T15:57:00.000-06:00

A quick follow-up to the story in yesterday’s post about my new “virtual terminal” credit card processing system. As it turns out I received the wrong welcome letter loaded with confusing instructions for a ridiculously intense set-up procedure that didn’t apply to me whatsoever. When I couldn’t reach tech support — actually, nobody bothered to answer the damn phone — I emailed my merchant account rep, Evelyn, who sorted it all out for me. Five minutes later my virtual terminal was up and running.

No kidding, this online credit card thing is absolutely brilliant and I only wish I’d known about it a couple of years ago. I already processed my first transaction this morning. I WANT EVERYBODY TO SEND ME MONEY!

The matzo farfel incident. Such excitement! Last week I ordered a 3-pack of gigantic Manischewitz whole grain matzo farfel canisters from Amazon.com, and they sent me half a dozen by mistake. They’re huge. I’ve got SIX POUNDS OF MATZO FARFEL in the pantry ... enough to stuff the entire Israeli army. And this would be incredibly wonderful except for one teeny little problem: I didn’t know until last night that it tastes like corrugated cardboard. (The farfel ... not the Israeli army.)

Therefore, if you or your loved ones are craving the unforgettable taste of cardboard and would like to snag a canister of Manischewitz whole grain matzo farfel cheap, please send me an email and we’ll discuss convenient terms. (I accept Mastercard, Visa and American Express.)

Making changes for a brighter future. This week I’ve been implementing my Happy New Year Austerity Plan. I cancelled my business 800-number service on Tuesday and just called AT&T and told them to disconnect my business landline phone. Total annual savings, about $675. Better yet, AT&T’s customer service rep was so nice she knocked $5 a month off our U-Verse bill for no apparent reason and then threw in a free speed upgrade to our Internet service, which was actually pretty damn fast to begin with. Glorioski, is this amazing or what?

I think I need a snack and a nap because saving money can do that to a person. Thank you for reading this.

The Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012 and other issues.

2012-01-04T17:22:00.000-06:00

I have no idea why I’m writing a post because I’m so damn tired I can’t see straight. I woke up way too early this morning (6:30) and never bothered going back to bed. I actually feel somewhat inebriated but without the benefit of free pretzels or happy hour.

The Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012. The bigger issue today, however, concerns Pillsbury. This morning I tried to reorder their sugar-free cake mixes and frosting from Low Carb Connoisseur and couldn’t find them on their website. So I send an email to their customer service department and they write back to tell me PILLSBURY HAS DISCONTINUED ALL OF THEIR SUGAR-FREE PRODUCTS. Holy mother of crap! I take a quick look to see if I can still order from Amazon.com but I’d have to spend $39.99 for six cake mixes from a seller in Ohio plus an extra $9.99 for shipping ... the equivalent of $8.33 for each box of cake mix. This is seriously outrageous.

By now Sam can tell I’m becoming hysterical, inconsolable and generally over-wrought, so he drives down the street to Walmart and comes home half an hour later with a veritable TRUCKLOAD of sugar-free Pillsbury cake mixes, sugar free Pillsbury fudge brownie mixes and cans of sugar-free Pillsbury frosting! AND THEY’RE CHEAP, TOO! For the record, I eventually checked out Pillsbury’s website (they have several and it took a while to find the right one), but since they’re still promoting their line of sugar-free products I can only assume that everybody at Low Carb Connoisseur must be criminally insane or on drugs. And with that, the Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012 draws to a close.

In other news, you might be interested to know that I’m also up to my ears in a big hoo-hah concerning the new credit card payment system I signed up for ... a “virtual terminal” that operates online. A couple of hours ago they send me a tedious welcome email in 8-point type with enough instructions and secret codes to build a stealth bomber, ending with the following paragraph:

“Please note that integrating to the QuickCommerce Payment Gateway requires Web programming. You will need a knowledgeable Web developer to manage your payment gateway integration.”

I have no idea what this means, and I’ve been designing websites and writing HTML code for more than ten years. I tried three times to contact their support hotline but apparently these clowns don’t like to answer the phone, either. After 10 rings you get a message that basically says, “What’s wrong with you ... can’t you see we’re busy? Call us back.” They don’t put you on hold, they don’t give you any options, and they don’t transfer you to voice mail and offer to return the call. Nothing. I’m already pissed off and I haven’t even set up my account yet.

Please help me. I need to slap somebody right now and I’m home alone. Thank you in advance for your attention to my request.

Exciting deliveries and a big New Year update.

2012-01-03T16:14:00.000-06:00

Can we talk about exciting deliveries for a minute? I’m expecting four such deliveries tomorrow from my friends at Amazon.com ... 1) a three-pack of whole wheat Manischewitz matzo farfel that’s impossible to find anywhere in Dallas; 2) a six-pack of original Manwich sloppy Joe sauce; 3) 45 packages of Lipton Cup-a-Soup Spring Vegetable flavor (my favorite instant soup since fifth grade because I’m into teeny dehydrated peas); and 4) a swell basic black tea kettle that whistles.

Come to think of it, there’s a fifth exciting delivery I’d like to mention as well, although this one has nothing to do with Amazon whatsoever. My niece Allison and her husband Greg are the proud parents of baby Cooper, who arrived on December 30 weighing 7 pounds 6 ounces.

Cooper has to be one of the cutest little boys I’ve ever seen, and I’m especially blown away by the sock monkey hat. I think everybody should wear one of these, even Sam.

As for the “big New Year update” mentioned in the title of this post, here’s my bombshell: I’ve decided to make a major change to the financial end of my website design business. Effective immediately — or as soon as possible — I’ll be cancelling my 800 number, disconnecting my AT&T landline and using my cell phone for business calls, all of which will save me nearly $60 a month. I’m also getting rid of my manual (keypad) credit card terminal in favor of a “virtual” terminal that operates through my computer on an Internet gateway. I’m deliriously happy about this because saving money is wonderful, and dumping two phone lines and outdated credit card equipment inches me a little closer to the joy of total retirement.

And now it’s time for a snack and a nap, since I find that I’m both hungry and tired at exactly the same time. Oy, such a conundrum! Thank you for reading this.

Why we really, really love Dallas.

2012-01-03T09:51:00.000-06:00

Sam and I really love it here in the Dallas area. With a population of 1,197,816 we’re the 9th largest city in the United States and share the top 10 with two other Texas metropolitan areas (Houston and San Antonio). Our reasons for enjoying Dallas, however, are many and varied. For instance:

We always find parking no matter where we go unless it’s Tom Thumb at Preston and Forest two days before Christmas.
The citizens of Dallas still wear cowboy hats.
Dallas is uncongested with lots of land area and low population density, and there are enough donut shops, nail salons and dental clinics per square mile to service an obese, well-groomed population with no cavities at least six times greater than ours.
Huge freeways with practically no traffic, especially when you compare this to where we grew up (Chicago for me, L.A. for Sam).
Extremely short winters that last maybe 10 days.
A vast number of wonderful restaurants with the exception of a real Kosher deli, of which there are none worth mentioning whatsoever.
Excellent hospitals and doctors.
Tons of snooty stores if you’re rich.
You can live in a beautiful suburban subdivision and still be close enough to cattle ranches — like us! — to hear the longhorns moo.
Dallas is full of Texans, and Texans are entertaining. I refer you to the photo above in case you need proof of this statement.

Incidentally, according to the latest Harris Interactive Poll it seems that lots of Americans would like to live in Dallas. As a matter of fact, after not even making the top 15 ever we’re all the way up to number 4 now ... right behind New York City, San Diego and Seattle. Even with blowhard Rick Perry as governor!

And finally, no post about Dallas would be complete without mentioning the Dallas Cowboys, who receive our undying support no matter how much they suck. With 14 seconds to go in the first half Sunday night, and the Cowboys down 21-0 to the Giants, the following shot of owner/general manager Jerry Jones says it all. I don’t know if this is suitable for framing but you have my permission to try. (Better luck next year, Jerry.)

Thank y’all for reading this.

Always wear lipstick to shop in high-end stores.

2012-01-02T12:55:00.001-06:00

In my never-ending quest to own every font on earth I just downloaded an additional six for free from Blambot.com. These are basically just as cool as the six new comic book fonts from yesterday (see post), although I think “Jeff Campbell” has to be my all-time favorite.

I use a font called “Comicrazy” for my photo captions here on the Howdygram. I bought it a couple of years ago during Comicraft’s annual New Year’s Day sale ... it’s a $395 font (seriously) that only cost me $20.10. You should check out Comicraft’s website because it’s a visual smorgasbord of all those classic comic books you loved as a kid.

For the record, my favorite comic books were Archie and Dennis the Menace, but not for any reason you’d ever guess. By the time I was eight years old I’d fallen in love with their FONTS. The Archie font was a lot like “Jeff Campbell” but with a slight slant to the right and a very distinctive uppercase “S”. Dennis the Menace comic books used a quirky lowercase font with an unforgettable “g”.

If you think I’m strange you’ll have to get in line behind lots of other people because I’ve been like this my entire life. I was designing my own comics and magazines in third grade and taught myself to print in italics and boldface when I wrote stories for school, even using “printer’s quotes” that eventually made my teachers believe I was plagiarizing. My mother had to bring a stack of my homemade comic books to school to prove them wrong, and everybody had a new respect for me after that. (It’s also possible they were just frightened and decided to leave me alone.)

It’s another glorious day in North Texas, and after I eat some lunch — which will be very, very soon — Sam and I are going shopping at The Arrangement, a huge, high-end rustic furniture store in snooty north Dallas near the Galleria. I should definitely wear lipstick for this.

Thank you for stopping by.

I’ve got TicTacs and hot hands to keep me company.

2012-01-02T03:37:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was pretty fabulous around here for FONTS. I took advantage of Comicraft’s annual New Year’s Day web sale (every font was reduced to $20.12) and bought two — “Wall Scrawler” and “Jeff Campbell” — then I discovered Blambot.com and downloaded four cool comic book fonts for free. All are illustrated for you below. Are these gorgeous, or what? Incidentally, I’m an addict and would rather buy fonts than almost anything else on earth.

If you’re wondering why I’m not in bed at this hour I’m afraid I don’t have a very good explanation. I don’t really have a bad explanation, either, come to think of it ... I’m just wide awake in the middle of the night with the Howdygram, a box of TicTacs and HOT HANDS. The hot hands thing has to be a side effect from one or more of the medications I take every night at 11 p.m. — Pravachol, Amitriptylene, Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazide and Spironolactone — because it always kicks in about half an hour later and my hands feel like they’re on fire from the inside out. This is mighty annoying but eventually goes away.

I guess I’d better go back to bed now because I don’t want Sam to wake up and miss me. Thanks for stopping by.

Cowboys, free chili and Miss Einstein takes a drive.

2012-01-01T18:56:00.000-06:00

In case you’re wondering what smells so good I made a huge pot of homemade chili this afternoon ... and it’s ready just in time for the Cowboys/Giants game on NBC. I’d be completely shocked if the Cowboys won tonight, but we watch because we’re always hoping for an elusive miracle that — just once — they won’t suck on national television.

And now, for your possible enjoyment, I’m pleased to offer this partial list of the most outrageous lawsuits of 2011.

Convict sues a couple he kidnapped for not helping him evade the police.
Man illegally brings a gun into a bar, gets injured in a fight and then sues the bar for not searching him for a weapon.
Adult children sue their mother for sending cards without gifts and playing favorites.
Woman disagrees with a store over an 80¢ refund and sues for $5 million.
Mom sues an exclusive preschool over her child’s diminished college prospects.
Obese man sues White Castle because the booths are too tight.
Mother sues Chuck E. Cheese because she thinks their games encourage gambling in children.

Add to this a news story I read yesterday about a 22-year-old woman who’s suing a bar in South Carolina for not “carding” her in 2009, thereby allowing her to buy alcohol, get wasted, crash her car on the way home and wind up a paraplegic. Police said Miss Einstein was not wearing a seat belt and her blood alcohol level was several times the legal limit. Bottom line ... being a complete moron obviously means you always have to find somebody else to blame for your mistakes.

It’s chili time! We’ve got plenty if you want to come over and watch the Cowboys game with us, so send me a quick email if you’re interested. (We have napkins, too.) Thank you for reading this.

Monkeys don’t have bar mitzvahs.

2012-01-01T10:32:00.000-06:00

Here we go … my first Howdygram post of the new year and an opportunity to announce to the world that Banana Sam is safe. Banana Sam is a teeny spider monkey who was abducted two days ago from his cage at the San Francisco Zoo and then started tweeting to irritate the local police. He was recovered last night at a park about a mile from the zoo. For the record, Banana Sam is no relation whatsoever to Howdygram Sam, who’s visibly cuter, taller, a lot less furry and had a bar mitzvah.

In an effort to take advantage of another day of glorious weather — 65° and sunshine! — here in north Texas, Howdygram Sam and I have been trying to decide what we’d like to do today. New Year’s Day is a holiday, of course, and I don’t think too many retail shopping options exist unless you need a few cans of kidney beans at Walmart, so we’ll probably just go for a nice long drive in the country, which is always a favorite activity, anyway. I’d be hinting about a trip to the Choctaw Casino but Sam already promised we’d go next weekend.

Time for my first shower of the new year. This is so exciting I can’t stand it.

Margaret Dumont is definitely more entertaining than the bubonic plague.

2011-12-31T20:28:00.000-06:00

It’s New Year’s Eve at Howdygram headquarters and all’s right with the world. Groucho is tormenting poor Margaret Dumont in Duck Soup, I just woke up from an especially intense three-hour nap on the most fabulous chaise ever invented and Sam is still unconscious. For the record, we also slept through Room Service and Horse Feathers. A photo of the previously-mentioned fabulous chaise appears below; Groucho and Margaret are posing at right.

Before I forget, Sam and I want to wish all of you a happy, healthy New Year. May yours include lucrative investments, plenty of cake and not voting for Rick Perry no matter what.

We had a terrific day today. After a late breakfast at Denny’s we took a nice long drive to Cross Roads, Texas, to visit the Rustic Furniture Depot. Don’t be fooled by their semi-tacky website because this store is AWESOME. They’ve got the most beautiful — and affordable! — western-themed furniture we’ve ever seen, plus lots of high-end decorative accessories, bedding, artwork, picture frames, dishes, lamps, you name it. I can’t wait to go back and spend money because everything they sell makes you think of Pa Cartwright and the Ponderosa. (All that’s missing is Hop Sing.)

And now it’s time to scrounge up some food and enjoy a couple of cheerful New Year’s Eve classics on TCM ... Fail Safe (1964), a nuclear war doomsday thriller with Henry Fonda, and Panic in the Streets (1950), about a bubonic plague epidemic with Richard Widmark and Jack Palance. It’s really too bad I don’t drink.

Happy New Year ... and thank you for reading the Howdygram’s last post for 2011!

P.S. Marie Osmond is a drag queen, naked pictures of Paula Deen and ugly world leaders.

Marie Osmond, Paula Deen and ugly world leaders.

2011-12-30T16:30:00.000-06:00

I’d like to talk about nice weather for a minute as we’re definitely having plenty of it here in north Texas, with lots of sunshine and temperatures near 70° for the next several days. The only reason I consider this such a big hoo-hah is because I spent the first 36 years of my life in Chicago, and the end of December (and New Year’s Day) always delivered the crappiest, coldest, snowiest weather of the entire year. I remember always going out in sub-zero weather on New Year’s Eve wearing 15 layers of clothes, trying to parallel park on frozen snow, wondering if I’d ever find a way to escape from Siberia. (I did, eventually.)

Breaking news! Sam went to Walmart this morning to pick up a few essentials and called to tell me they carry sugar-free Pillsbury cake mixes and frosting. This is very exciting because Walmart’s prices are cheaper than any I’ve found online, plus it’s instant gratification when you can have your cake and eat it, too ... all on the same day! (Whatever the hell that means.)

Guess what. I think I’ve figured out how to ramp up the number of Howdygram visitors. As I mentioned in a post back in November, according to the Howdygram’s statistics on SiteMeter.com our three biggest attractions have been my posts about Paula Deen, Marie Osmond and the ugliest world leaders of all time. So I’m thinking maybe if I type “naked pictures of Paula Deen,” “Marie Osmond is a drag queen” and “ugly world leaders” somewhere in every post I’ll get a million hits a day. Stop laughing ... it’s possible! (I actually might try this.) My first post about Marie looking like a drag queen — way back in August 2010 — was quoted by at least four other blogs that sent 125+ new visitors to the Howdygram in one 24-hour period. That’s huge.

Talk about luck! In an effort to illustrate the previous paragraph I just discovered a new photo of Marie in her finest drag queen get-up — rhinestones, gargantuan earrings, ostrich feathers and those new, exaggerated “trout lips” from some lousy plastic surgery — plus a crazy shot of Paula Deen and the late Kim Jong Il together in the same picture. Damn, I love the Internet!

Sam phoned from work a couple of minutes ago to ask if I had any plans to leave the house today. I lied and said “maybe” even though it’s extremely unlikely. Yes, it’s a gorgeous day. Yes, it’s 68° and sunny, and yes, I’ve got a nice clean car waiting for me in the garage with a box of Altoids on the front seat. But there’s nowhere I really need to go and nothing I really need to buy, so frankly it’s hard to get motivated to put on shoes and a bra for no reason whatsoever. Don’t tell Sam but I think I’ll just stay home. However I might eat cake.

Thank you for reading this.

Gunshots, drought and cruddy bumpers.

2011-12-30T01:12:00.000-06:00

And now for a little late-night excitement from Howdygram headquarters! About 45 minutes ago I’m sitting here at my desk and I hear THUMP THUMP outside the window. I dash into the family room to wake Sam — he was asleep on the sofa last time I checked — but he was already sitting up because he’d heard the noise, too. To me those thumps sounded like gunshots. Sam decides to check around outside without turning on any lights and bumps into two neighbors who were creeping around in the dark doing exactly the same thing. Our neighbor to the south finds a dazed and confused dove sitting on his driveway and thinks it might have smashed into our garage door — or his garage door — a couple of times. I guess it could happen, but that stupid bird must be made of concrete because those thumps were so loud I thought somebody was shooting a rifle. This is a real possibility because Texans love rifles (see example below).

At the moment I’m still a little too freaked out to sleep so I thought it might be therapeutic to hang out with y’all for a while and write this post.

And the drought goes on. Even though we had twice our normal rainfall here during the month of December I just read that the North Texas Municipal Water District is considering “stage 4” water restrictions by the end of January. Stage 4 means we can no longer water our yards or wash our own cars ... no exceptions. This really isn’t such a huge inconvenience in the middle of winter since nobody waters their lawn, anyway, and you can always go to a commercial car wash when you want to scrape the crud off your bumpers. But if we don’t get some decent rain before spring we’re definitely going to end up with a lot of grim landscaping around here. Do a rain dance for us, okay?

I think I’ve calmed down enough to go to bed now. Thank you for reading this.