Remembering the best of Sochi. I promise to stop writing about the Olympics now.

In this post: Clydesdales everywhere.

As a final follow-up to the Howdygram’s semi-comprehensive coverage of the 2014 Winter Olympics I’m pleased to include the following severely entertaining GIFs of various athletes screwing up the most important performance of their lives. We begin with U.S. figure skater Jeremy “Clydesdale” Abbott, who followed this now-famous airborne crash with three and a half minutes of shitty footwork and windmill arms.

Farewell and good riddance to Sochi 2014.

In this post: Olympic disappointments.

It’s finally over, people. The Howdygram is pleased to say farewell and good riddance to Sochi 2014, the least inspiring and most annoying Winter Olympics in recent history. In an era of so much social and economic struggle it actually seems EMBARRASSING for anybody to waste this kind of money on infrastructure, travel, stupid outfits, publicity, security, outrageous opening ceremonies and unexciting sporting events that reward a bunch of athletes show-offs entitled rich kids whose “careers” involve hanging out at ski resorts. Seriously, can you justify the existence of 40-year-old men who spend their entire life in a bobsled but never win a medal? I didn’t think so. Neither can I.

Adelina Snottybitchkovitch wins gold.

In this post: Figure skating in Sochi, roadkill in Texas.

Before I proceed with my usual assortment of Howdygram baloney here’s a FUN GAME for you to try! If you stare really really hard at the six jars of Mezzetta giardiniera pictured in yesterday’s post as long as you can without blinking THEY’LL ACTUALLY START TO VIBRATE. (Don’t ask me how I know this.)

If Costco is out of sushi tomorrow I’ll have to kill myself.

In this post: Sam returns, an Olympics rant.

Yay, everybody ... Sam will be home today from his trip to California! Life around here absolutely STINKS without him, so to celebrate his homecoming I made a big pitcher of lemonade and wrote out a shopping list for his Monday morning junket to Costco. If that’s not love, what is? I’m supposed to call him at 7:30 (Pacific time) to wake him up because he doesn’t have an alarm clock and his sister and brother-in-law (i.e., Tammy and Bob) are picking him up at 8 to go to the airport. Sam’s flight will land in Dallas at 4:15 this afternoon. An instructional illustration of a happy Sam and an airplane flying to Texas appear below for your possible interest.

Hey, Jeremy. You stink.

In this post: Sunshine, Spam, Jeremy Abbott.

Happy Saturday, boys and girls! It’s a glorious morning here at Howdygram headquarters, featuring: 1) warm weather and sunshine; 2) a pantry full of Vienna sausages; 3) Sam is coming home from California tomorrow; and 4) MY KNEES DON’T HURT FOR THE SECOND CONSECUTIVE DAY. I don’t know if item 4 is related to item 1 but I’m definitely feeling damn good right now. I’d celebrate with a cartwheel except there’s nobody here to call 911 afterwards.

Enough already. Where’s Blinky?

In this post: Exciting email, scandal in Sochi.

You’ve all got something to look forward to, people. As soon as you’re a retired senior citizen there’s no end to all the exciting email that floods your inbox. Here’s today’s haul so far:

• Don’t miss the President’s Day sale at Diabetes Supplies 4 Less. EXTRA SAVINGS ON WOUND CARE SUPPLIES!
• A Valentine’s Day message from AARP with the headline: “8 Types of Drugs That Can Cause Leg Cramps.”
• Save 20% on socks for swollen feet from FootSmart.com.
• A message from the White House staff with kittens, pictured below. I’m partial to the fluffy black one with the beady eyes. (No, I’m NOT referring to President Obama.)

May your day be filled with romance, smiley faces and chocolate.

In this post: Valentine’s Day, 2014 Olympics.

I’m awake again and it’s way too early, but what the hell … I’m used to this baloney by now. Even though I’d like to go back to bed I thought it might be fun to hang out here with the Howdygram and annoy you for a while. But before I forget ...

Figure skating crashes are the best and only reason to watch the Olympics this year.

In this post: 2014 Olympics, a suspense classic.

I’ve decided that the 2014 Olympics are a boring pain in the ass because I can’t find anything whatsoever to get excited about. Take, for instance Shaun White (snowboarding) and Bode Miller (alpine skiing), a pair of aging, over-hyped former medal winners who look really stupid alongside all the new young talent. They both bombed out in Sochi so maybe it’s time for them to stop living like a couple of entitled narcisisstic schmucks and GET A REAL JOB ALREADY. They’re past their prime and need to just go away so other people can get a shot on Team U.S.A.

The luge. Does anybody really give a crap about this?

In this post: Non-news, 2014 Olympics, Monday errands.

Breaking news … CHEMICAL EXPLOSION IN MESQUITE! According to our local ABC News affiliate, two janitors — who were most likely stoned — reported a “popping noise” to police Saturday morning at the Fritz Industries research facility on Executive Drive. However, since nobody was injured, there was no property damage and no actual chemicals were involved, the headline should have read: POLICE SEARCH FOR BROKEN TEST TUBE AT MESQUITE RESEARCH FACILITY WHILE REPORTER ATTEMPTS TO TERRIFY AREA RESIDENTS FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Fritz Industries on Executive Drive, which did NOT actually blow up; C) the new Chinese buffet at Galloway and Tripp that Sam refuses to take me to because ptomaine; and D) Buckner Back & Neck, the chiropractic clinic with the best name EVER.

Maybe I’ve turned into a jaded old lady.

In this post: Hot weather, 2014 Olympics.

Hi, everybody. It’s 7 o’clock Saturday morning, Sam is still in bed and the temperature outside is a balmy 35°. I use the term “balmy” because it’s finally ABOVE FREEZING, which means Thursday’s miniature snowpocalypse will melt into oblivion and we can run into the streets to welcome spring, which arrives with a thud sometime this afternoon. Today’s forecast high is 53°. Holy crap, right? HOT WEATHER!

Winter stinks, it isn’t pretty and we’re freezing to death.

In this post: Ice, 2014 Olympics. 

In my Olympics coverage earlier today I neglected to include my comments about the Canadian figure skating pair, Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford, who finished in second place and were absolutely outstanding, graceful like a couple of gazelles and far better-looking than the snotnosed Russians who were dressed for Halloween and finished in first. Unfortunately, when I wrote my last post I had a hard time nailing down any information about the Canadians because NBC’s stupid remodeled website is so damn lame I couldn’t find Olympics news, competition results or photos … and NBC is broadcasting the Games! So here they are at last — Duhamel and Radford — another team whose height difference is almost as comical as the Americans Castelli and Shnapir, except the Canadians are much better skaters. I wish to hell the judges would call me once in a while. I HAVE A LOT OF IMPORTANT OPINIONS.

It’s time for the Howdygram’s haphazard coverage of the 2014 Winter Olympics.

In this post: 2014 Olympics.

It’s that time again, people, and we’re delighted to begin our haphazard coverage of the 2014 Winter Olympics with the news that NBC’s botox poster-child, Bob Costas, apparently has a case of pink-eye, which is why the Howdygram Sports Desk has decided to call him “Blinky” for the duration of the Games. Last night we watched three hours of Figure Skating, Slopestyle preliminaries and the Women’s Very Lumpy Moguls, although the Howdygram’s coverage today will only include skating because I don’t give a crap about the other two.

Broken cookies taste exactly the same as non-broken ones.

In this post: Fine cookies, crappy Cossacks.

Hi, people. I briefly considered writing a poem about my new Health Express low-carb cookies from Netrition.com but decided to skip the artistic crap and just write a regular review. To be brief about it, HEALTH EXPRESS COOKIES ARE THE BOMB. They’re huge, crunchy, packed with flavor and have less than one carb each, which is a very large hoo-hah for diabetics. You’ll have to overlook the fact that one or two cookies arrive broken because: 1) they traveled cross-country by truck from Syracuse, New York; and 2) broken cookies taste exactly the same as non-broken ones.

Ralph Lauren’s ultimate achievement: stylish fashions for athletic goobers.

In this post: The HowdyMobile, Paris fashions, stylish goobers.

What a day. Ever since I woke up from my afternoon nap — today’s featured movie was Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959) starring James Mason and Pat Boone — I’ve been hard at work online researching A BRAND NEW VEHICLE for yours truly! It wasn’t an easy choice, but I think I finally found exactly what I’ve been looking for to make my retirement exciting and complete. Glorioski, people!

Hey, mon! Let’s help the Jamaican bobsled team get to the Winter Olympics!

In this post: Cool Runnings.

Hey, boys and girls ... did you ever see the movie Cool Runnings? It’s Disney’s adorable film — a true story! — from 1993 about the Jamaican bobsled team at the ’88 Winter Olympics in Calgary. The theatrical trailer appears below for your possible interest. (Sam and I love this movie.)

Naps, like canned tamales, can solve anything.

In this post: NFL playoffs, meaningful meatloaf, no laundry today, Sochi 2014.

I’m moping around with a bag of sugar-free Russell Stover peanut butter cups, trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my Sunday. Sam is at the office and won’t be home until around 7 Monday morning, which leaves me here at Howdygram headquarters with nobody to talk to and practically nothing to do. A few possibilities include: 1) starting a meaningful relationship with some leftover meatloaf; 2) laughing at the Packers and 49ers freezing their stupid asses off in Green Bay; 3) doing laundry, but I wouldn’t count on it; and 4) the season four premier of “Downton Abbey” tonight on PBS. I also might consider another nap because I’m slightly bored, my feet are cold and there’s no good reason not to. Naps, like canned tamales, can solve anything. Tell your friends.

It’s time to give up on the Olympics.

There’s a lot of hot breaking news to report tonight! The top stories from Howdygram headquarters are: 1) FedEx just dropped off our gigantic crate of sausages from Kreuz Market; 2) my lousy health issues are finally on the mend, including the lousy plantar fasciitis flare-up in my right heel and lousy joint pain due to an overdose of chia seeds; 3) I have 15 new fonts (see below); and 4) I can’t think of anything else.

In case you haven’t been paying attention, there was a coup today in Egypt! President Mohamed Morsi, pictured at right, has been placed under house arrest by throngs of screaming Egyptians, and Adly Mansour, head of Egypt’s Supreme Constitutional Court, is the new interim big cheese. Since I have no idea what the hell any of this means, the Howdygram’s official position will simply be HOLY CRAP until we can figure out what going on besides hysteria and cool fireworks.

From our Send in the Clowns department, on July 8 Governor Rick “Oops” Perry, the laughingstock of Texas, will announce his official 2016 run for the White House, thereby guaranteeing another landslide win for the Democrats and unlimited material for comedy writers from coast to coast.

I have no idea who’s advising this Einstein to get back onto the national stage, but it’s extremely clear here at home that the good people of Texas are sick of Rick Perry and his right-wing Christian Taliban. His message to America — providing he remembers the script — will be terrifying. Be sure to pay attention, okay?

Our foreign news desk reports that Islamist Chechen rebels have threatened to destroy, shit on and generally ruin the 2014 Olympics in Sochi, Russia, promising to use “every method provided by Allah” and “maximum force.” Know what? Any country that decides to show up for that debacle deserves what it gets. Islamic terrorists are deadly enough when we don’t know what they’re planning … can you imagine the mayhem when they announce this crap in advance? I wouldn’t go anywhere near that place, either as an athlete or a spectator. Good Lord.

Which brings me to my next point: I think it’s time to give up on the Olympics altogether. Host countries go bankrupt trying to outdo each other with outrageous infrastructure, the expense of massive stadiums, and venues for specific sports that nobody will ever use again. Plus there’s the security aspect, with morons and evildoers always threatening to pee in everybody’s Cheerios. I’m sick of the whole thing. Face it, does anybody really give a crap how fast some dude from Norway can hurl himself down the side of a mountain?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.