Meet the Fearless Weinbergs, relatives extraordinaire.

The sound you hear in the background is a great big load of jeans and bathrobes on the spin cycle. Yes, I’m doing laundry. No, you don’t have to come over, because I won’t need any volunteers to help fold socks until tomorrow. Thank you, however, for your concern. Please send an email if you want to reserve your spot at Howdygram headquarters’ Friday night sock-folding extravaganza. Appropriate snacks will be provided.

And now I’d like to post the following photos we received today from Sam’s Aunt Adie, posing with her children and grandchildren on a ziplining adventure in the San Gabriel Mountains north of Los Angeles. The Fearless Weinbergs appear below for your possible interest. From left to right, they are: Hayden, Connor, Ryan, Ilene, Leah, Adie, Hailey and Darrell. Are these people adorable, or what?

There’s no way in a million years I would EVER do anything like this, even when I was younger and healthier and not prone to hysterics. (I get dizzy standing on a second-floor balcony.) And for the record, Hayden and Connor technically aren’t Weinbergs but they’re all related and buy each other Hanukkah presents.

Did I forget to mention that Sam is scheduled for cataract surgery on May 17? A cataract developed in his right eye following the “puckered retina” hoo-hah he had back in February (see previous post). My poor little cyclops!

And now for a brief but beautifully-written review of a new favorite product I’ve been buying from Netrition.com: SweetLeaf Sweet Drops. These are extremely concentrated zero-calorie flavorings made with Stevia that you can add to cold seltzer, smoothies, soy milk, ice tea coffee, water, lemonade or just about anything a person can pour into a glass except possibly mouthwash. I’m addicted to the chocolate and berry flavors although 16 different options are available, including English toffee, apricot nectar and watermelon. A bottle of SweetLeaf chocolate drops appears below.

The package directions recommend five drops for eight ounces of liquid, which sounds about right. At this rate one bottle should last until I’m ready to move into a nursing home. I use the berry drops to jazz up a tall Coke Zero and the chocolate drops to intensify the flavor of my Soy Slender chocolate soy milk, which is perfect alongside a plate of pickles & biscuits. This is great stuff, people! Thank you.

Thunder-sleet, a Macy’s do-over and I can’t wait to eat my low-carb cheesecake.

We woke up this morning to a world covered with white crap. Sam said we had a thunder-sleet storm going on around 6 a.m. that coated everything with frosty ice pellets. As a result I had to cancel my 11 a.m. podiatrist appointment because I have a hard enough time just walking on dry ground.

I’ve got a bunch of unrelated, mostly uninteresting crapola to report tonight. First, before I forget, here’s a cute yet informative video clip I received a couple of days ago from Sam’s Aunt Adie about how women can tell if they’re having a heart attack. Feel free to recommend this to your friends and neighbors, okay?



Also, we found out today that Macy’s plans to replace our new-ish microsuede sectional sofa (it’s slightly more than a year old) by the end of the month! A technician from their service department was here on Friday to check out an area that started sagging, and when he reported the issue back to his boss they made the decision to REPLACE THE ENTIRE SECTIONAL rather than repair it. A formal portrait appears below for your possible interest. The color is called “Stone.”

I’m outrageously excited about this because it’s like getting a free do-over with regard to smooshed-up cushions, an unexplained greasy little hand-print and two badly-dented accent pillows. THANK YOU, MACY’S. Yee-haw!

I don’t know how I wound up on this mailing list, but there’s an irritating little Greek cafe here in Mesquite that focuses their entire marketing campaign on advertising when they’re CLOSED. For example:

“Happy holidays. We’re closed on Christmas.” 

“Drive carefully. We’re closed New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day!” 

“Just a reminder … we’re closed every Sunday.” 

“Hi. We’re closed today due to the weather. See you tomorrow!” 

In case you don’t believe me, click here and here and here. These people must be insane.

The local news in Dallas is reporting that Lee Harvey Oswald’s former apartment building in the Oak Cliff neighborhood was torn down yesterday morning with a crowd of onlookers arriving at dawn to grab a few bricks and whatnots as souvenirs. I don’t really understand why anybody would want crap like this, but you have to keep in mind I’m talking about Texans. Texans are weird.

I spent most of the day hard at work on my big client project, the scope of which has expanded to include: 1) a new logo; 2) matching business cards; 3) postcard invitations to a gallery show; 4) a PDF mailer; and 5) redesigning her website. I finished 1 and 3 this afternoon and feel very accomplished. As soon as I wrap up this post I plan to celebrate with a nice hot shower, the low-carb cheesecake I made last night and this week’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn.” Holy crap, does this sound fantastic, or what? If I feel motivated afterwards I might empty the dishwasher, although technically this activity doesn’t fit into anybody’s concept of celebrating. Especially mine. I’m just saying.

Incidentally, with regard to that low-carb cheesecake from the previous paragraph, it really turned out GREAT. I used the famous Bisquick “Impossible Cheesecake” recipe modified for CarbQuik ... a real no-brainer that you mix in the blender, pour into a glass pan and bake for half an hour. Let me know if you want the recipe, okay? Next time I think I’ll shmear a jar of no-carb lemon curd on top instead of sour cream. I love lemon curd.

Thank you for reading this!

Out-of-control Tennessee idiot has 30 children by 11 different women.

There’s breaking news today about pathetic Desmond Hatchett, age 33, an out-of-control idiot from Tennessee who’s fathered an army of 30 children by 11 different stupid women and wants the state to “give him a break” on child support. The court already takes 50% of his paycheck — the maximum allowed by law — but Hatchett only earns minimum wage so some of the moms receive as little as $1.49 a month. Hatchett says he’s had four kids in the same year. Twice.

The video clip below was shot in 2009 when Hatchett was in court to respond to charges that many of the mothers were receiving no support. At the time he already had 21 children and promised the judge not to father any more but ultimately ended up with an additional nine in the three years that followed. The state of Tennessee says they can’t order Hatchett to stop making babies. Maybe not, but the Howdygram thinks they should do society a big fat favor and cut off his pee-pee instead. And holy crap ... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL THESE MOTHERS? Hasn’t anybody ever heard of birth control?

Sam’s smiley Aunt Adie (see right) just emailed a bunch of photos taken today when she went with Sam and my mother-in-law to the Getty Museum in Los Angeles. I love the Getty because that’s where Sam and I went on our first date! Back then our favorite displays were breathtaking antique French furniture (imagine the Palace of Versailles, times ten) and rooms full of illuminated manuscripts from the middle ages. They also had a swell outdoor cafe.

It’s finally time to haul myself into the family room for an English muffin and a couple of “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares” reruns. Thanks so much for stopping by tonight. Next time maybe you could bring a coffee cake.

The “Sam wave” sweeps North America.

Forgive me for taking so long to write a post today. After I drove Sam to the airport this morning I wound up finishing a big pile of client projects, redesigned my invoice forms for 2012, quoted a new seven-page website for a caterer in North Carolina and then sent him a contract to sign and return because apparently he’s having a nervous breakdown and wants me to get started immediately. All of this involved a ton of back and forth emails and turned out to be a lot more work than I expected. I’m pretty sure I had a crabby face for a few hours but everything is much better now.

I’m pleased to announce my web shopping splurge du jour: a 12-box carton of jumbo TicTacs in the new “Powermint” flavor — they’re blue! — which I ordered from Amazon.com because a person can never have too many little minty things. Holy crap, I’ll have the best breath north of the Rio Grande!

Today was my mother-in-law’s 80th birthday party, and Sam’s Aunt Adie emailed the following photos about an hour ago. What a happy bunch of relatives! Please note that Sam’s older sister, Marian, joined the siblings via Skype (see the middle photo) because she’s snowbound in Seattle.

Incidentally, I’ll bet you didn’t know I married a rock star. When I talked to Sam this afternoon he mentioned that his aunt and cousins have been posing for pictures all over North America doing the famous “Sam wave.” You know ... the one I plaster all over the Howdygram (see right). Take a look below to meet some of the featured players. No kidding, this is so cute I could bust.

I think I’d better publish this post and find something to eat before I conk out. I’m considering baloney on white bread because Sam isn’t here to make fun of me. Baloney is good. Thank you for reading this.

Sports news, trivia and general baloney.

I wanted to write a post hours and hours ago but haven’t had the motivation because it’s been cold, rainy, dark and crappy for the last couple of days, making it damn near impossible to drag myself off the couch for anything except looking for the remote or getting snacks. Sam and I have been drifting in and out of naps for 48 hours, and the only reason we’re awake right now is because we just finished watching Tiger Woods win the Chevron Open — MAZEL TOV TIGER! — his first tournament win in two years. I’m so happy I could eat a golf ball.

And as long as I’m covering sports news I should also mention that today was Dallas’ annual White Rock Marathon, where tens of thousands of runners in ski hats and thermal underwear braved 45° temperatures and steady rain. Santa was entered but didn’t win because he’s a pasty white dude from the North Pole. (The top three finishers were all from Kenya.)

Last night I ordered a box of insulin needles from Amazon.com. This is no big deal whatsoever but I thought I’d mention it in case you’re keeping track of such things. A photo appears below for your possible interest.

I watched a couple of excellent suspense movies yesterday on TCM. The first was Crossroads with Hedy Lamarr and William Powell, which was a stupendous drama with stupendous plot twists, stupendous clothes and stupendous supporting players like the stupendous Basil Rathbone. Is there anybody who doesn’t love Basil Rathbone?

Then I watched a gritty film noir thing called While the City Sleeps about a bunch of cut-throat reporters all trying to scoop each other on a serial murder case. It featured a cast of thousands such as George Sanders, Rhonda Fleming, Howard Duff, Ida Lupino, Vincent Price and Dana Andrews ... the crown prince of deadpan, alcoholic boredom who played the same damn character in every single movie. While the City Sleeps also provided a close-up look at American goyim in the 1950s, where everybody walks into the local bar for a ham sandwich and milk. A ham sandwich and milk? They may as well ask for pig’s feet and a boilermaker. Holy crap.

The Howdygram is pleased to announce the following monumental events for the week ahead. For instance ...

• December 5: Bigger French fries debut at Burger King
• December 6: Rod Blagojevich is sentenced in Federal court
• December 7: Pearl Harbor is bombed by the Japanese (1941)
• December 8: John Lennon is shot in New York (1980)
• December 9: Charles and Diana announce their separation (1992)

We heard today that Sam’s amazing Aunt Adie drove herself to the hospital on Friday with appendicitis, performed her own surgery and checked out Saturday morning. Okay, I might be kidding about performing her own surgery (I’m pretty sure she had a regular doctor) but she did drive herself to the emergency room and she did go home the very next day. What a shame she didn’t have an opportunity to whine a lot and make relatives bring her jello, Hershey bars and Cheetos! (Next time, Adie, call me for a few tips on the way to the hospital.)

And finally, the U.S. Post Office has announced news so outrageous I actually laughed out loud. Due to budget constraints, beginning January 1 there will be no more next-day delivery for first-class mail. Somebody help me wrap my head around this … what zip code in fantasyland has ever received next-day ANYTHING from the post office? (Every time I mail a birthday card it takes a week and a half.)

And now I think I’ll try to con Sam into ordering Chinese for dinner because it’s getting late, I’m hungry, I don’t feel like cooking and I desperately need something with a lot of hot sauce. Thank you for reading this.

Posting from the Twilight Zone.

I really never believed in psychic connections until now.

Last night when Sam called to tell me Steve Jobs had died I was already working on a Howdygram post and decided to add one last paragraph with a photo of Steve at the end. So I did a Google search and looked at thousands of Steve Jobs images before I picked the one I liked best.

Here comes the Twilight Zone part.

Immediately afterwards I visited Apple.com to see how they were treating Steve’s obituary, and — holy crap — they had posted the SAME PHOTO (in black and white) on their home page that I used in the Howdygram. The odds of that are maybe a billion to one!

Apple will probably switch back to their regular home page after a couple of days, but in the meantime you can check it out here.

In other news, Sam’s Aunt Adie emailed a lovely food portrait (see below) last night after she made a pot of authentic Texas chili from a mix that she won in a Howdygram contest.

This looks sensational, Adie, and I’m convinced your next career should be cookbook photography. In the future, however, please consider emailing some actual CHILI instead of a PHOTO.

I just ran out of lemonade so I guess it’s time to go back to bed for a little while. Sam has his second root canal treatment at 9 this morning, and while he’s gone I think I’ll do a junket over to Costco for an industrial-size package of lox, a tub of Sam’s favorite cashews and a few other essentials that David might like. Only two more days to go!

Thank you for reading this.

Earthquakes and other discoveries.

Since my recent charity drive for Australian flood victims didn’t exactly launch as planned (see my recent post re Nose Plugs for Australia) I am hereby and forthwith pleased to announce Trash Bags for New Zealand, an official Howdygram fundraiser for the recently-rattled earthquake survivors of Christchurch. We’re recommending that each of y’all send us $250 towards the purchase of Hefty bags, first-class round-trip airfare for Sam and me to Wellington, plus a five day/four night layover in Fiji because we’ll be depressed after all this and nothing says “cheer up” like a five-star tropical resort. Sam also needs new swim trunks.

Please submit your contributions by email as soon as possible.

Also, please permit me to recommend my new favorite website, The Prepared Pantry. They carry a whole lot of everything if you love to bake, but in my case I’m hooked on their BREAD MACHINE MIXES ... more than 70 different varieties — with guaranteed perfect results — ranging from Gourmet New York Rye to Black Russian to Knobby Apple Cinnamon (pictured below), which makes the house smell like you’re baking a pie so you can impress the neighbors. Those three are actually our favorites. Other flavors you won’t find anywhere else on the planet include Tuscany Basil Tomato, Loaded Baked Potato, Smokin’ Hot Chipotle Cheese, Sour Cream Onion and Honey Graham Granola.

If you don’t own a bread machine you can buy one cheap at Overstock.com and then load up on mixes from The Prepared Pantry. Sam and I have the Oster Express Bake Breadmaker, which I love to pieces and is really easy to clean. And then you should buy an Adjustable Bread Keeper (I've got two) from Amazon.com. Now go bake something and invite me for lunch.

Speaking of baking, we received a surprise thankyou gift today from Sam’s Aunt Adie in California, who sent a box of homemade biscotti (see below) in exchange for the note cards she won in our New Year Giveaway. This was a truly brilliant and inspired idea, Adie, because biscotti is my all-time favorite vegetable right after Mongolian Chicken. Please feel free to enter every Howdygram giveaway for the rest of your life.

Thank you for reading this!

Look out Santa. You’re next.

The Howdygram would like to thank Sam’s Aunt Adie for submitting the following news photo for publication. As you can see, nothing’s sacred where Sarah Palin is concerned. And although she may want everybody to believe that she’s a rugged frontier “mama grizzly,” be sure you check out the hair, makeup and manicure. This Rudolph-killer and her shiny rifle just got home from the salon.

In other news ... we’ve got a couple of good NFL games on tap for later today. The Bears will play the Patriots in a blizzard at Soldier Field at 3:15 p.m. and the Eagles will be in Arlington to play the Cowboys at 7:30. Although it’s not likely to happen, I’m hoping the Cowboys can win this one because the Eagles’ ex-con quarterback, Michael Vick, turns my stomach. I’m just saying.

Incidentally, the aforementioned blizzard has already taken its toll in other states. The Giants and Vikings game was rescheduled for Monday night because Minneapolis is buried, the roof of the Metrodome collapsed and the Giants are stranded in Kansas City. This is not such a bad deal for the Giants. Kansas City has a lot of great restaurants.

It’s a strange Sunday in Howdygramland. Sam is at the office today, which means I will probably be on my own here until very late tonight. My first solo activities will include: 1) making the bed; 2) turning up the heat; 3) hunting around for breakfast; and 4) watching “White Christmas” on TV. For the record, “White Christmas” is one of those movies I always watch alone because Sam is not a fan. Others on his will-not-watch list include most films from the 1960s, “The Bitter Tea of General Yen” and anything that stars Doris Day, Debbie Reynolds or Maurice Chevalier. As for me, I’ll watch just about everything except slasher movies and Sylvester Stallone. He’s been remaking the same stupid “Rocky” movies for 35 years ... plus there’s something SERIOUSLY WRONG with his face.

Thank you for reading this.

So much fun, so little time.

We’re having a jam-packed week-o-fun with my mother-in-law ... which includes everything from trips to the Dallas Arboretum and Dallas Zoo, eating Klondike bars in the family room and daily walks around Belle’s Lake near our house in Mesquite.

Actually, maybe I should clarify a couple of points so you don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not personally involved in any of these activities ... it’s just Sam and mom because I’m a shlepper who uses a cane. Sam and mom went to the Arboretum, Sam and mom eat all the Klondike bars, and Sam and mom are the ones who walk around Belle’s Lake at least twice a day. At the moment they’re headed to the Dallas Zoo. And as long as I’m so busy clarifying things, I should also mention that Belle’s Lake isn’t really called Belle’s Lake. Mom named it after herself when she was here a year ago. I even designed a custom Belle’s Lake commemorative sweatshirt for her and shipped it to arrive in California the day after she gets home next week. (It’s a surprise because I love her. Don’t say anything.)

I ordered myself a pair of cute new shoes yesterday from Zappos.com ... black leather flats by Soft Spots. If you’ve never shopped with Zappos, you’re missing an amazing experience. They sell every conceivable shoe on the planet in every imaginable size, which is a VERY big hoo-hah to someone like me who wears a size 12. Even better, Zappos also has NO SALES TAX and FREE SHIPPING, even for returns! And for no apparent reason they even upgraded my shipping method from ground to OVERNIGHT ... also for free. Zappos does damn near everything except come over to your house and wait for the delivery truck.

And finally, I want to post this photo of Sam’s Aunt Adie, his cousin Darrell and the twins ... Hailey and Ryan. Adie was in Ontario for a visit and emailed this photo when she got home a few days ago. They’re shown here posing on a log at the Niagara Escarpment. An “escarpment,” contrary to popular opinion, is a long, steep slope, especially at the edge of a plateau or separating areas of land at different heights. It is NOT a shopping mall or a multi-screen cinema.

Thank y’all for reading this. Seriously.

Lunching in Calabasas.

News flash ... Sam is still in California. His Aunt Adie emailed some photos she took yesterday at lunch in Calabasas with Sam and his mom. (Those club sandwiches really look good.)

I’ve got an appointment with a hand surgeon this afternoon. I’m hoping we’ll be able to make some definite plans to cure my carpal tunnel problem because my right hand has been basically USELESS since the beginning of March. I can’t hold a toothbrush or a pen, can’t sign my name, blow-dry my hair, dice an onion, push a shopping cart or grip a steering wheel. I know I’ve whined about all this before, but after a round of steroid medication and three months in a surgical wrist brace NOTHING HAS IMPROVED. So my internist referred me to a surgeon, and that’s where I’ll be at 2 p.m. this afternoon. I’ll post again as soon as I know what’s what, okay? (Thank you for your concern. Send presents.)