Sam might not like it if I beat the crap out of our 60-inch TV.

I’m a nervous wreck. I can’t watch the election results yet because the presidential contest is still too close and Sam might not like it if I beat the crap out of our 60-inch TV with my cane. Therefore, I’ve kept myself occupied this evening with two worthwhile non-political activities: 1) downloading free fonts; and 2) shopping for shoes.

First, the shoes. I ordered a nice pair of leather mules with stretchy things (see right) for shuffling around the Choctaw Casino and/or Trader Joe’s. I haven’t had any new shoes for a very long time because I rarely leave the house. In case you’re interested, I bought black, not silver, because I don’t want people to think I’m a floozy.

Second, the fonts. These were all FREE (with the exception of Captain Narrow, as explained in my previous post) from a variety of excellent free-font websites, including FontSquirrel.com, FontSpace.com and uFonts.com. Are these great, or what? Depending on how long it takes for MSNBC to declare a winner I might be downloading free fonts all night long. Holy crap.

Sam just got home from work so it’s finally time to turn on the TV and watch election results. Also because I think I have enough new fonts for the time being. Thank you.

Emotional groceries and the GOP has a “movement”.

It finally happened people. This morning at 8:30 Sam and I pulled into a parking spot in front of our new Trader Joe’s in Plano! HOLY CRAP! I hadn’t seen or set foot in a Trader Joe’s since we left California in 2o07, so this was a stirring and emotional moment for me. In case you’re interested, the store was completely empty at that hour because the snooty citizens of Plano don’t get up before 10 on weekends.

Concerning our grocery haul ... we loaded our cart with the following pile of thrilling old favorites:

• cashews
• dried apricots
• a tasty little container of egg white salad
• frozen veggie burgers
• chicken taquitos
• Trader Joe’s potato salad
• bagels and lox
• mostly tasteless high-fiber wheat bread
• hummos
• California rolls with the hottest wasabi in North America
• stuffed bell peppers
• a hunk of havarti cheese

I wanted to buy more but my knees gave out, so I limped back to the car while Sam took charge of the checkout routine. Our plans for the remainder of the day include eating everything in sight. I’ve already consumed the California rolls and egg white salad; my next victim will be havarti while watching George Sanders in The Falcon’s Brother (1942). In the event you’re into movie star crapola, the brother is played by Tom Conway who, coincidentally, was George Sanders’ ACTUAL BROTHER.

And finally, no pre-election Howdygram post would be complete without one more sarcastic shot at GOP jellyfish Mitt Romney, who coined a new phrase today while campaigning in Ohio.

Thank you for putting up with me. I think I need some food now.

Friends don’t let friends vote for Romney.

Here at Howdygram headquarters it’s been a strange and lazy day fraught with conflicts, which I’ll elaborate for you below.

Conflict #1. I conked out on the chaise in the family room before Sam left for work at 1:15 so I didn’t get a chance to tell him he looked cute and have a nice day. I hate that. To cheer myself up afterwards I ordered four squeezy bottles of Koop’s Spicy Brown Deli Mustard from the National Mustard Museum. Mustard solves everything.

Conflict #2. I want a large quantity of hot food for dinner tonight but don’t feel like cooking. My available options include: 1) continuing to whine; 2) hiring servants; or 3) ordering things from China City. I’ll probably pick door number three.

Conflict #3. I’m sick of the presidential election and November 6 can’t come soon enough. My final thought on the subject: FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS VOTE FOR ROMNEY. President Obama and I thank you.

In other news, Sam and I will continue to celebrate my birthday this weekend with a Saturday shopping excursion to the brand new Trader Joe’s in Plano and brunch on Sunday at Blue Mesa. While Blue Mesa is a favorite of ours and their brunch is consistently wonderful — unlimited guacamole! steak fajitas! adobe pies! teeny omelets! — I’m especially hysterical about our plans for Saturday because I haven’t set foot in a Trader Joe’s since we left California in 2007. Holy crap, I’ve had my grocery list ready for TWO YEARS! Be sure to check in with the Howdygram over the weekend for late-breaking updates.

And finally ... from our Advanced Fruit Instruction department and the helpful screwballs at Foodbeast.com, I’m pleased to post the following educational video that demonstrates how to shuck a strawberry. I seriously can’t wait to try this, which gives you some idea what kind of life I lead.



I want to call China City now. Thank you for reading this.

The Howdygram’s fall Gefilte Fish Festival is on hold indefinitely.

I would like to thank President Obama for last night’s inspirational acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, which was actually a whole lot better than the “home run” described by pundits on MSNBC ... the President hit this one into the stratosphere. I recorded last night’s entire session (six hours) so Sam can watch it over the weekend. I don’t think he’ll need a box of Kleenex, however, because he’s not a weepy geezer like yours truly.

Breaking news! A brand new Trader Joe’s — our first in the Dallas metro area — opened this morning in Plano at the northeast corner Park and Preston. I’m expecting to show up there one day next week when they unlock the doors at 8 a.m. armed with a cane, poison darts and a foghorn, the recommended tools to help determined seniors navigate the throngs of socialites and Escalades.

The map above indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Trader Joe’s in Plano. I’ve already got my shopping list. Let me know if you need anything (click here) and I’ll be glad to pick it up for you.

Our mailman dropped off a disgusting package this morning ... a soggy, smelly mess of a box bound in heavy plastic with an apology note plastered to the top. Inside were THREE SHATTERED JARS OF GEFILTE FISH swimming in broken glass and rancid liquid. I held my breath to snap the following photos, wrapped the box in a double garbage bag and asked Sam to eject it from the house.

Amazon.com has agreed to refund my money but can’t replace the order because they ran out of product so, for obvious reasons, the Howdygram’s fall Gefilte Fish Festival is on hold indefinitely. To cheer myself up I just ordered a large box of insulin pen needles.

I downloaded another pile of free fonts this afternoon and thought I’d share them here for your possible interest:

I think I’ll make homemade cream of mushroom soup now and watch “People’s Court.” Thank you for reading this.

You can always count on Texans to throw a dignified party.

Breaking news! It seems that Trader Joe’s grand opening yesterday in Fort Worth was a huge success, as evidenced by the following photo from the Dallas Observer website that was taken immediately after the store closed at 9 p.m. You can always count on Texans to throw a dignified party.

Thank you for reading this.

Glorioski! Trader Joe’s opens in Fort Worth.

Hey, shoppers! The first Trader Joe’s in Texas opened today somewhere in the depths of Fort Worth! According to a live blog on the Dallas Observer website crowds started piling up outside at 5:30 in the morning — in the pouring rain — and by 9 a.m. all 12 checkouts had at least 50 customers in line, stretching all the way to the back of the store. The Howdygram thinks these people are all lucky, brilliant, brave and damp. The first store in Dallas (on Lower Greenville Avenue) won’t open until the end of this year and there’s another scheduled to open at Walnut Hill and Central Expressway in 2014. Holy crap, I know I won’t be able to wait that long for Trader Joe’s cashews, cottage cheese, frozen mango, hot mustard and tofu egg salad. Fort Worth is getting closer all the time. (Please don’t tell Sam.)

As I write this post the aforementioned Sam is stretched out in the family room watching 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), the most annoying movie ever made. Not only did the sound track completely ruin Strauss for me for the rest of my life, the story is slower than watching your fingernails grow and the first 20 minutes with that pack of violent screaming gorillas is enough to set my hair on fire. I don’t like Keir Dullea, either. Or Stanley Kubrick. I am definitely NOT a fan.

Unfortunately, I have a dilemma. I’m starving right now but I can’t access the kitchen without seeing and hearing what’s on TV in the family room. If I offer Sam part of my omelet maybe he’ll change the channel. (I can dream.)

Thank you for reading this.

Thank you for flying Howdygram Airlines.

Happy Sunday, y’all. I’ve got big news from Howdygramland! I just read an article that Trader Joe’s has announced a third location for a new store in north Texas, this one at the northwest corner of Walnut Hill and Central Expressway (see artist’s rendering below). That makes two Trader Joe’s stores in Dallas — both scheduled to open in 2013 — and one that’s opening in Plano by late summer. These are our first-ever Trader Joe’s stores and I’m so excited I could slap somebody! 

The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) the Trader Joe’s store coming to Lower Greenville Avenue next year; and C) the new store at Walnut Hill and Central Expressway. Never mind about the store in Plano because I won’t ever shop there. Plano is too far and too snooty.

Here are a few of my favorite Trader Joe’s products for your possible interest. Missing from this montage are: 1) frozen mango chunks; 2) couscous salad with real raisins; 3) stuffed peppers; 4) great big cashews; 5) the best cottage cheese on earth; and 6) “eggless” tofu egg salad. (Stop laughing. It’s really good.)

It’s time at last for a quick lunch and a hot shower, then I’ll be on my way to pick up Sam at the airport. The weather in Dallas today is 90° with sunshine and a light breeze from the south. Please remain seated until we arrive at the gate and thank you for flying Howdygram Airlines.

Trader Joe’s, William Powell and how to get yourself some free furniture.

Glorioski, hallelujah and start the car … Trader Joe’s is finally coming to Dallas! I just saw an announcement on the Dallas Observer’s website that two stores will open here for sure in 2012 … one on lower Greenville Avenue in Dallas and another in Plano. For the record, I’ll be shopping at the Trader Joe’s on lower Greenville (see map below) because Plano is too far, too crowded, too privileged and too snooty. (Especially snooty.)

I’m so damn excited I think I’ll spend the rest of the afternoon figuring out my first grocery list even though the store on Greenville Avenue probably won’t open until September. (I hate waiting until the last minute.) I wonder if the Trader Joe’s stores here in Texas will stock all or most of my favorites from Los Angeles, such as their fresh-made individual pizzas with cornmeal crust to die for, granola, ginormous frozen sea scallops, beautiful prunes, kosher chicken, couscous salad with real raisins, stuffed peppers, teeny jars of killer sweet/hot mustard, frozen mangoes and — be still, my heart — the best large curd cottage cheese on the planet. Feel free to stay tuned for further developments.

For your possible interest Sam and I made a quick run to Costco this morning to load up on essentials for the long holiday weekend. These included rotisserie chicken salad, Sam’s favorite tortellini pasta salad with little hunks of salami, mozzarella balls wrapped in pepperoni and prosciutto, frozen pot stickers, a pair of calzones, a gigantic can of salted peanuts, a 10-pack of extremely nice kitchen towels, six pounds of ground sirloin and a few other things I can’t remember at the moment. Incidentally, we ate the calzones for lunch. (I wish we’d bought more.)

Hey there, classic movie fans ... TCM is showing another string of back-to-back William Powell films tonight, and I highly recommend all of them: The Great Ziegfeld, Love Crazy, I Love You Again, Manhattan Melodrama, Libeled Lady, Evelyn Prentice and Double Wedding. I probably won’t record these because Sam and I own all the DVDs. We own the entire Thin Man series, too. Come to think of it, we’ve got a virtual TON of classic films around here. (I buy them all from Amazon.com. The prices are incredible.)

Wow ... breaking news from Howdygramland! Remember the defective bench (see yesterday's post) I received a couple of days ago from Amazon? The seller was very apologetic about the problem this morning and refunded my money immediately ... but they don’t want me to return the bench and said I can either keep it or donate it. Seriously! Therefore I’ve decided to keep it for now and try to patch the two little flaws.

I’m going to sacrifice one of the matching throw pillows so I can cut two tiny little pieces of material and stick them on the flaws with fabric glue. If it works, fantastic, the boo-boos will be invisible and I’ve got myself a nice piece of extremely free furniture. If it looks crappy, Sam can always drag the bench out to the curb and a needy local Texan will drive away with it. I’ll let you know how my holiday craft project turns out, okay?

I think I should celebrate my exciting day — Trader Joe’s, more William Powell movies and free furniture — with a nice piece of cake. Thank you for reading this.

Finally, an overpriced shortcut to Plano.

Just in time for Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year’s Eve and Washington’s Birthday, the Howdygram and the North Texas Tollway Authority are pleased to announce the GRAND OPENING of the eastern extension of the President George Bush Turnpike late Wednesday afternoon. Following three years of highly annoying construction the new stretch will connect several suburbs north of Lake Ray Hubbard to I-30 in northeastern Dallas County.

The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Denny’s (we highly recommend their Senior Scrambled Eggs); C) Lake Ray Hubbard; and D) the southern end of the new President George Bush Turnpike extension, about four miles from home.

I should also mention that we’ll probably never use this stupid road because: 1) the tolls are way too expensive; 2) nobody with a brain needs an overpriced shortcut to Plano; and 3) I’m not wild about the name even though it honors George Bush senior (see right) and NOT his son.

Big news! We get our biweekly Schwan’s delivery this morning and I’ve ordered a couple of new products ... cute little turkey meatballs and a sack of mixed berries. In a few days I’ll use the berries to make Marcy’s Sugar-Free Fruit Cobbler.

It occurs to me that Trader Joe’s would be a lot cheaper for frozen berries — they’re cheaper for everything, actually — but they haven’t started building any of their stores yet in Texas. I’d like to yell at somebody but I don’t know who. Let me know if you want to volunteer, okay?

Thank you for reading this.

Repeat after me: It’s a hamburger, people.

Mainstream America is generally a pack of dolts, and the following video clip absolutely proves my point. The Dallas Morning News showed up yesterday at 10 a.m. to interview a mob of local yahoos at the grand opening of Texas’ first In-N-Out Burger, the California chain with its own cult following. Apparently some had been in line for THREE DAYS; others sat and CRIED. Personally, I don’t get it. They don’t even use Velveeta!

Trader Joe’s, however, is a totally different story. Their first Dallas store will open by the end of the year, and that’s a monumental event worthy of a three-day campout so I can be first in line for cottage cheese and couscous salad. I’m just saying. All this hoo-hah about In-N-Out Burger made me hungry so I’m sending Sam to our local Five Guys to pick up a couple of cheeseburgers for us. Is this a thing of beauty, or what? (Five Guys is better than In-N-Out any day of the week.)

FYI, I always order online so Sam doesn’t have to wait when he gets there. This activity all by itself validates my investment in a $1,700 Macintosh computer system. Thank you for reading this and pass the napkins.

It's true. Great stuff happens in threes.

Still reeling from the four-hour televised marathon of William and Kate’s wedding and the happy demise of Osama bin Laden, the big news today in Dallas is almost enough to make my head explode.

Trader Joe’s is coming.

According to the Dallas Morning News they’re planning 10 stores in Texas beginning with the Dallas area sometime this year. I got so excited I immediately sent an email to Trader Joe’s corporate office and requested a location with a lot of handicapped parking in Rockwall, not too far from the Howdygram’s headquarters in Mesquite. (Mesquite itself is out of the question because we’re “dry” and Trader Joe’s sells liquor.) Then I sat down and wrote out my first shopping list, which includes all those unforgettable private-label products I haven’t been able to buy since I left California four years ago, such as Trader Joe’s stuffed bell peppers, homemade mini-pizzas, couscous salad with raisins, Greek yogurt, the best cottage cheese on the planet, giant frozen sea scallops, eggless egg salad and bruschetta in a jar. And oy, their FRESH TAMALES! And their CEREAL and FIVE KINDS OF PITA BREAD! And REAL KOSHER CHICKENS!

The amazing thing is, barely a month ago I wrote a post about how much I miss Trader Joe’s, which means somebody VERY VERY IMPORTANT must be reading the Howdygram. Thank you, whoever you are.

In other news, I’m damn excited to announce that it’s ESTHER WILLIAMS MONTH on Turner Classic Movies and you should tune in on Thursdays throughout May to see her films. My personal favorite is Thrill of a Romance with Van Johnson (see photo), but I’m not sure why.

Thank you for reading this.

Two adorable things.

I watched a terrific film on cable last night. I’ll bet nearly everybody else on the planet has already seen it, but WALL-E is probably the cutest movie I’ve seen in YEARS. The lead character is a little trash compactor (Waste Allocation Load Lifter, Earth-Class) who’s apparently all alone on earth after humans left it too filthy to inhabit and decided to live in outer space. Little WALL-E barely makes any intelligible sounds at all, but you have no problem figuring out what he’s thinking and feeling. Always lonely, he watches a “Hello Dolly” video over and over and over, collects cigarette lighters and has a pet cockroach who lives inside a Twinkie. Disney Pixar did the animation, and it’s really breathtaking. I can’t wait for Sam to come home next week so we can watch it together. Here’s the original theatrical trailer:


And speaking of Sam, he’s the OTHER adorable thing I’m going to write about here. Last night he went shopping with his mom at Trader Joe’s — the best grocery store on earth — and called to give me a detailed, aisle-by-aisle rundown of everything on the shelves so we could reminisce together. Sam knows how much I miss Trader Joe’s. (Every now and then I email their corporate headquarters and ask them to open stores in Dallas. They always write back and act polite, but I think they’re ignoring me.)

Incidentally, I had to cancel my appointment this afternoon with the hand surgeon. I know this will sound idiotic, but I wasn’t feeling well enough to go to the doctor! I guess it was a fatigue thing ... an occasional side effect from some of the medications I take. I just didn’t have the energy or motivation to shlep to Rockwall today in 99° heat, so I’ll reschedule (again). And speaking of hot weather, we’ve got a dangerous heat situation developing this weekend. Temperatures will be 105° here on Saturday, Sunday and Monday but will feel more like 110° with the humidity. If you think I’m leaving the house in weather like that, you’re nuts. I’m going to stay home with a bottle of Coke Zero and redesign Ovation Creative’s logo and website. Thank you for reading this.