An American horror story about drugs.

In this post: Just say NO.

Hey, I’ve got a modern American horror story for you and it has nothing whatsoever to do with ghouls, chainsaws, an alien invasion or Republicans. The subject tonight is DRUGS. Ready? Sam wanted to pick up my new prescription cholesterol medication this afternoon at Wal-Mart so I called ahead to ask about the price, and when the pharmacy assistant told me the co-pay is $274 for a 30-day supply — after I had a nervous breakdown — I calmly replied, “FAT CHANCE! TAKE A HIKE! NO WAY! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!” Incidentally, this was my new prescription for Welchol, the medication Dr. M prescribed on Thursday with pills as big as South Dakota (see previous post). I’m assuming they’re made from Black Hills gold or maybe plutonium because nothing else on earth could make a stupid cholesterol drug so insanely expensive. Holy crap.

TCM’s 72-hour war movie marathon starts Saturday before sun-up.

In this post: War movies remembered.

Now that I’m a retired person with a limp who collects Social Security it’s not always easy to know for sure what day of the week it is or if a holiday’s coming up. For instance, I never would have remembered this is Memorial Day weekend except for: 1) Sam’s announcement today at lunch (i.e., “YEE-HAW! THREE DAYS OFF!”); and 2) TCM’s 72-hour war movie marathon starting Saturday before sun-up. To help you navigate TCM’s offerings I’ve decided to list my personal favorites for your possible interest. Check your local listings for times, okay?

This might be a fine time to continue kvetching about my health.

In this post: Kvetch report, trolls, mysteries, big pizzas.

Since I really don’t have anything specific lined up for today’s Howdygram post I’m thinking this might be a fine time to bring back a favorite, time-tested topic: KVETCHING ABOUT MY HEALTH. For instance, my complaints du jour include: 1) severe muscle pain/fatigue in my shins, calves, thighs and lower back; 2) my body temperature is 95.4°; 3) a hangnail; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. To tell you the truth, items 1 and 2 make me want to lie down in the family room wrapped in Mr. Furry (my very fluffy faux mink blanket) and watch Margaret Rutherford movies in the dark until Sam gets home from work because it hurts too damn much to stand up or walk. Plus my digestion isn’t so good right now.

My uterus fell out in 1990. No regrets.

In this post: Mothers, gridlock, movies.

It’s 7:15 Sunday morning and Sam is still asleep, so I’d like to take a minute to wish y’all a very Happy Mother’s Day if you’re a mother. If you’re NOT please scroll down to the next section at your earliest possible convenience. (Incidentally, I am not a mother and never wanted to be. My uterus fell out in 1990. No regrets.)

I wonder if rich people own chain saws.

In this post: Rainfall totals, William Holden.

I have some absolutely swell news to report from Howdygram headquarters, drought-wise. The storm system that plowed through the Dallas area on Thursday deposited 5.11 inches of rain and the level of Lake Ray Hubbard Reservoir rose by 8 inches. THAT’S REALLY HUGE, PEOPLE. Apparently they’re expecting the reservoir to rise even more with the runoff from area creeks and tributaries, which are all above flood stage right now … especially Duck Creek, which is practically right around the corner and runs through Mesquite and Garland. I’M SO DAMN HAPPY I COULD SLAP AN ARMADILLO! For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Duck Creek; C) Lake Ray Hubbard Reservoir; and D) our favorite Denny’s at I-30 and Belt Line. We like their Senior Scrambled Eggs.

I injected a pint of insulin for dinner and ordered a pizza. It was worth it.

In this post: Sirens, weather, toilet paper, Russians.

In case you’re been wondering what’s been going on around here I’ll provide a thorough Wednesday retrospective from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters.

Don’t forget to turn out the light when you’re done here, okay?

In this post: Egg rolls, Robert Wagner.

It’s 1:45 Tuesday morning. Sam won’t be home from work until maybe 5 a.m. so I thought I’d try to squeeze in one more quick Howdygram post before I go to bed. We’ll see how long I last. I didn’t get much of a nap yesterday so I’m mighty tired right now. Try not to make any unnecessary noise.

We still don’t know what’s responsible for The Dinty Moore Dumpling Incident.

In this post: The shower saga continues, flying dumplings, Jane Powell.

There are so many EARTH-SHAKING HOT SCOOPS today at Howdygram headquarters I almost don’t know where to start. Maybe the best approach would be to separate everything into neatly-typed, indented sections for your reading pleasure. I hope you’ll consider turning off your phone until you’re through here to avoid interruptions and distractions, okay? Thank you.

Schwan’s home delivery is frequently my only contact with the outside world.

In this post: William Powell, canned shrimp.

It’s Tuesday morning, 7 a.m., and I’ve been awake since 4:45 doing practically nothing except catching up on current events via assorted news websites. Also shopping. I just ordered a box of AA batteries plus the following DVDs from Amazon because they’re very old and very hard-to-find Philo Vance mysteries starring William Powell: The Greene Murder Case (1929) with Jean Arthur and Eugene Pallette and The Benson Murder Case (1930) with Natalie Moorhead and Hopalong Cassidy (William Boyd). Oh boy, people. I LOVE THIS STUFF!

Stupid crap from the mouths of Republicans.

In this post: Stupid crap from Republicans, easy egg salad, good movies.

I’ll begin my post tonight with more of the Howdygram’s intensely popular progressive political commentary. This time: STUPID CRAP FROM THE MOUTHS OF REPUBLICANS. Trust me, there’s enough material to fill a 24-volume encyclopedia but I’ve narrowed it down to a few of my favorites. Thank you, and here we go.

You can never own too many teeny bowls.

In this post: Household hints, a mascot makeover, nuts for Mom.

There’s not much to report from Howdygram headquarters this evening. Our severe overnight weather forecast has fizzled to drizzle, Sam is soundly asleep in the family room watching Gunga Din (1939) starring Cary Grant, Victor McLaglen and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., as British soldiers romping through colonial India, and I’m here to share the usual assortment of entertaining tidbits, hot tips and clever crap. Let’s begin, shall we?

Glorioski, I love my life.

In this post: Texas rocks, John Wayne stinks.

While I hang around waiting for Sam to wake up I just read an article on CNN Money about cities where home prices are hitting new highs. Although home values in most markets nationwide are still down about 13% from their pre-recession peaks, housing in seven major cities has recovered — and then some, according to Zillow. And, of the seven cities on the list, FOUR ARE RIGHT HERE IN THE LONE STAR STATE: Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and Austin. Holy crap, y’all!

To my 12 remaining clients: it’s time to move on and leave me alone.

In this post: Dumping clients, pickles & biscuits, a shitty movie.

Here’s some big news from the world of Marcy’s Retirement! About an hour ago I started composing an email announcement to my 12 remaining clients that I’m closing down what’s left of my website design business by the end of this year so it’s time for them to move on and leave me alone. Why now? Because I received an email this afternoon from a client in South Carolina (he owns a custom bakery) who wants to expand his website with six new pages, four million cupcake pictures and an online ordering system. After I said hell no, fat chance, take your business somewhere else, it occurred to me this was an absolutely perfect opportunity to let all of my clients know what I plan to do. Last June I stopped accepting credit cards and all new business; now I’m finally ready to end everything else. I’m so excited I might have a brain hemorrhage. With apologies to Martin Luther King, FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I’M FREE AT LAST! (You get my drift.)

Happy Earth Day. We’re killing ourselves.

In this post: Earth Day, a contemptible Putz.

I’ll begin this morning with a big fat HAPPY EARTH DAY to Howdygram readers all over the planet. Even though I’ve never been a rabid “tree-hugger,” during the last few years it’s become perilously apparent that we’re killing ourselves with poisoned oceans, lousy air, melting polar ice, rising sea levels and extreme climate change. I’m actually relieved to be 62 years old because I know I won’t be around when we run out of fresh water and oxygen.

Important Easter news and unexpected tacos.

In this post: Peeps, Jesus, commandments, surprise tacos.

I didn’t think I’d ever stay awake long enough today to write a Howdygram post, but guess what, people ... I was wrong and here I am! I’ve got a couple of Easter-related items of interest to share with you tonight. First up, here’s a video of a moron trying to eat 100 marshmallow Peeps in two minutes. Too bad nobody bothered to film his diabetic coma afterwards. Holy crap.

The Howdygram’s guide to your John Wayne viewing party.

In this post: Celebrating the Duke.

As promised in an earlier post I’m proud to present TCM’s schedule for their first-ever John Wayne Film Festival, neatly-typed by yours truly because I had some time to kill. There are a few movies I haven’t seen but (believe it or not) I think I’ve seen MOST, so please feel free to use the Howdygram’s color-coded key to help you plan your viewing party. You can thank me later.

The day that got away.

In this post: Sleep, shopping, a movie review.

I’ve really outdone myself this time, people. A few minutes ago I woke up from my first-ever SEVEN-HOUR NAP. There was a short lunch break in the middle for a can of Hormel tamales and a brief yet pleasant conversation with Sam, but I remember nothing else about Thursday, April 17. Somebody stuffed my head with sawdust when I wasn’t looking. HOLY CRAP. And I mean this sincerely.

Anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafly says men won’t marry well-paid women.

In this post: Sleep, an anti-feminist fossil, Aaron Sorkin.

So far this has been a really strange day. Sam and I woke up shortly after 7 a.m. about 15 minutes apart, and by 9:15 we were both sound asleep in the family room watching an entertaining mystery called Murder on a Bridle Path (1936) starring Helen Broderick and James Gleason. When I finally woke up at 12:30 Sam had switched to Around the World in Eighty Days (1956) starring David Niven. These are both excellent napping movies and we highly recommend them.

Groceries for Jewish people who like to eat.

In this post: Gefilte fish, film festivals.

Happy Saturday morning from your friends at the Howdygram! We’re expecting an overcast, windy day here with temperatures in the low 80s and a 60% chance of severe thunderstorms on Sunday. This is perfectly swell with Sam and me because we have no real plans whatsoever except for cleaning out the garage, making tacos for lunch and picking up my 12-jar case of Mother’s gefilte fish tomorrow night from a snooty house in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood in north Dallas. In case you’re interested, Howdygram headquarters is indicated by a red star on the map below; the gefilte fish and arrow point to the aforementioned snooty house. (I’m not joking about the snooty part. The houses are all less than five years old and 6,000+ square feet with four-car garages. These are RICH PEOPLE.)

A few important things to know on Thursday.

In this post: Thursday events, appreciating Texas.

It’s 6:25 Thursday morning, and here are four things you need to know today:

1. Clayton and Ricky, our chucklehead remodeling team, will arrive sometime between sun-up and 8 a.m. to start working on the shower in our master bathroom. However from prior experience (see previous post) I’ll assume that 10:15 is a safer bet.
2. I’m definitely having baloney and American cheese on low-carb white bread for lunch. My baloney of choice is always Oscar Mayer even though they spell it B-O-L-O-G-N-A. Nobody in their right mind should spell baloney like that.
3. You should watch and/or record the following movies today on TCM: The Lady Vanishes (1938) starring Margaret Lockwood and Michael Redgrave; Happiness Ahead (1934) about an heiress and a singing window washer starring Dick Powell and Josephine Hutchinson; and The Bad and the Beautiful (1952) starring Kirk Douglas and Lana Turner.
4. The state of Texas is HUGE. Details follow.