For Hanukkah this year I think Sam should build a loading dock at the foot of our driveway.

In this post: Shopping.

I wish to hell UPS and FedEx delivered packages on President’s Day. I’ve got a pile of thrilling shipments waiting in the wings AND I WANT THEM NOW. These include: 1) two gigantic containers of cheap but excellent parmesan cheese; 2) ReliOn raspberry glucose thingies to help me bounce back from hypoglycemia; 3) six 16-oz. jars of Mezzetta Chicago-style sandwich giardiniera; 4) Kraft cheesy spreads in two gourmet flavors; and 5) a million Zeiss lens wipes because fingerprints. In case you give a crap, items 1 through 4 hail from Wal-Mart; the lens wipes are from Amazon.

Maybe I’ll buy things on Amazon until I’m ready to go back to bed.

In this post: Diabetes.

I woke up at 3 a.m. for a senior citizen bathroom break and decided to check my blood sugar because I have diabetes, so why the hell not. My reading was 75. I’m getting used to the pattern by now and decided to stay awake for a little while because it will probably just continue dropping and send me into another hypoglycemic episode. Sure enough ... I just checked again (an hour later) and my blood sugar is already down to 66. The same thing happened yesterday morning, too. My blood sugar was 80 when I woke up (which was fine) but had dropped to 62 two hours later (NOT fine). I’ve been reducing my nightly dose of Lantus (long-acting insulin) but so far I’m still having lows multiple times a day.

If Costco is out of sushi tomorrow I’ll have to kill myself.

In this post: Sam returns, an Olympics rant.

Yay, everybody ... Sam will be home today from his trip to California! Life around here absolutely STINKS without him, so to celebrate his homecoming I made a big pitcher of lemonade and wrote out a shopping list for his Monday morning junket to Costco. If that’s not love, what is? I’m supposed to call him at 7:30 (Pacific time) to wake him up because he doesn’t have an alarm clock and his sister and brother-in-law (i.e., Tammy and Bob) are picking him up at 8 to go to the airport. Sam’s flight will land in Dallas at 4:15 this afternoon. An instructional illustration of a happy Sam and an airplane flying to Texas appear below for your possible interest.

Sodium and chemicals are two of my favorite food groups.

In this post: Sam, Spam, fonts, gas pains.

I was hoping to write another nice Howdygram post tonight, but Sam called on Face Time at 10:15 and we managed to kill an hour and a half gabbing about all kinds of crap, and now it’s almost too late for posting because I still have to take a shower, put out fresh bath towels, watch tonight’s Olympics coverage (I recorded it from prime time), shoot insulin and eat cookies. There’s just no end to it, is there?

Hey, Jeremy. You stink.

In this post: Sunshine, Spam, Jeremy Abbott.

Happy Saturday, boys and girls! It’s a glorious morning here at Howdygram headquarters, featuring: 1) warm weather and sunshine; 2) a pantry full of Vienna sausages; 3) Sam is coming home from California tomorrow; and 4) MY KNEES DON’T HURT FOR THE SECOND CONSECUTIVE DAY. I don’t know if item 4 is related to item 1 but I’m definitely feeling damn good right now. I’d celebrate with a cartwheel except there’s nobody here to call 911 afterwards.

Enough already. Where’s Blinky?

In this post: Exciting email, scandal in Sochi.

You’ve all got something to look forward to, people. As soon as you’re a retired senior citizen there’s no end to all the exciting email that floods your inbox. Here’s today’s haul so far:

• Don’t miss the President’s Day sale at Diabetes Supplies 4 Less. EXTRA SAVINGS ON WOUND CARE SUPPLIES!
• A Valentine’s Day message from AARP with the headline: “8 Types of Drugs That Can Cause Leg Cramps.”
• Save 20% on socks for swollen feet from FootSmart.com.
• A message from the White House staff with kittens, pictured below. I’m partial to the fluffy black one with the beady eyes. (No, I’m NOT referring to President Obama.)

May your day be filled with romance, smiley faces and chocolate.

In this post: Valentine’s Day, 2014 Olympics.

I’m awake again and it’s way too early, but what the hell … I’m used to this baloney by now. Even though I’d like to go back to bed I thought it might be fun to hang out here with the Howdygram and annoy you for a while. But before I forget ...

Ted Cruz thinks President Obama is “forcing gay marriage on all 50 states.”

In this post: Sam, avoiding King China, Putz of the Week.

Welcome to day two of Sam’s trip to California, where apparently he’s charming the Depends off all those adorable little “eightysomethings” at my mother-in-law’s assisted living facility in Sherman Oaks. Sam has been eating with them once or twice a day in the community dining room and interacting with others as he accompanies mom on her walker junkets up and down the hall.

Frankly, none of this surprises me. Sam is probably the sweetest sweetheart on the planet and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT. I just hope he can tear himself away long enough to fly home to Texas on Sunday because I miss him like crazy. Thank you.

Let me know if you’re hungry. I’ll save you some Mexican Velveeta.

In this post: Hypoglycemia, stocking up.

Happy Thursday, people. It’s 6:30 a.m. and I don’t know why I’m awake at this hour except that my blood sugar is low again. Not scary low, just low (65). At this point the only thing I can do is to try injecting lower doses of insulin or start eating Cheetos. (I love Cheetos.)

Figure skating crashes are the best and only reason to watch the Olympics this year.

In this post: 2014 Olympics, a suspense classic.

I’ve decided that the 2014 Olympics are a boring pain in the ass because I can’t find anything whatsoever to get excited about. Take, for instance Shaun White (snowboarding) and Bode Miller (alpine skiing), a pair of aging, over-hyped former medal winners who look really stupid alongside all the new young talent. They both bombed out in Sochi so maybe it’s time for them to stop living like a couple of entitled narcisisstic schmucks and GET A REAL JOB ALREADY. They’re past their prime and need to just go away so other people can get a shot on Team U.S.A.

As much as I love Sam’s voice, his face is even better.

In this post: No weather, a new low, a nice chair, Dead Famous People.

Hi, everybody. For your possible interest here’s a bunch of newsy Wednesday afternoon crapola from Howdygram headquarters.

THE WEATHER. Dallas’ terrifying two-day “ice event” never materialized — another stellar forecast from the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com — but this actually was a swell development because the roads were clear this morning and Sam’s flight to California left on time today at noon. If you care, the temperature here is 50° with bright sunshine and we’re expecting a high of 75° by Monday. IT’S SPRING! IT’S SPRING! IT’S SPRING!

I wish Sam could just stay home for a few days and eat grilled cheese with me.

In this post: Ice and gridlock.

Our weather couldn’t rank any higher today on the Winter Shittiness Scale. Right now Weather.com tell us it’s 31° here in the Dallas area with FROZEN FOG, LIGHT SLEET and FREEZING DRIZZLE. Nobody can explain how they’re different but it probably doesn’t matter since they all suck. If you’re interested, the only reason I’m addressing the subject of weather is because Sam is flying to California on Wednesday and we’re expecting an ongoing “ice event” here that may affect his outbound flight. And if that’s not crappy enough, A MAJOR FREEWAY SHUTDOWN in Los Angeles — already nicknamed “jamzilla” by the press — will impact traffic around LAX all weekend.

The luge. Does anybody really give a crap about this?

In this post: Non-news, 2014 Olympics, Monday errands.

Breaking news … CHEMICAL EXPLOSION IN MESQUITE! According to our local ABC News affiliate, two janitors — who were most likely stoned — reported a “popping noise” to police Saturday morning at the Fritz Industries research facility on Executive Drive. However, since nobody was injured, there was no property damage and no actual chemicals were involved, the headline should have read: POLICE SEARCH FOR BROKEN TEST TUBE AT MESQUITE RESEARCH FACILITY WHILE REPORTER ATTEMPTS TO TERRIFY AREA RESIDENTS FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Fritz Industries on Executive Drive, which did NOT actually blow up; C) the new Chinese buffet at Galloway and Tripp that Sam refuses to take me to because ptomaine; and D) Buckner Back & Neck, the chiropractic clinic with the best name EVER.

Maybe I’ve turned into a jaded old lady.

In this post: Hot weather, 2014 Olympics.

Hi, everybody. It’s 7 o’clock Saturday morning, Sam is still in bed and the temperature outside is a balmy 35°. I use the term “balmy” because it’s finally ABOVE FREEZING, which means Thursday’s miniature snowpocalypse will melt into oblivion and we can run into the streets to welcome spring, which arrives with a thud sometime this afternoon. Today’s forecast high is 53°. Holy crap, right? HOT WEATHER!

Winter stinks, it isn’t pretty and we’re freezing to death.

In this post: Ice, 2014 Olympics. 

In my Olympics coverage earlier today I neglected to include my comments about the Canadian figure skating pair, Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford, who finished in second place and were absolutely outstanding, graceful like a couple of gazelles and far better-looking than the snotnosed Russians who were dressed for Halloween and finished in first. Unfortunately, when I wrote my last post I had a hard time nailing down any information about the Canadians because NBC’s stupid remodeled website is so damn lame I couldn’t find Olympics news, competition results or photos … and NBC is broadcasting the Games! So here they are at last — Duhamel and Radford — another team whose height difference is almost as comical as the Americans Castelli and Shnapir, except the Canadians are much better skaters. I wish to hell the judges would call me once in a while. I HAVE A LOT OF IMPORTANT OPINIONS.

It’s time for the Howdygram’s haphazard coverage of the 2014 Winter Olympics.

In this post: 2014 Olympics.

It’s that time again, people, and we’re delighted to begin our haphazard coverage of the 2014 Winter Olympics with the news that NBC’s botox poster-child, Bob Costas, apparently has a case of pink-eye, which is why the Howdygram Sports Desk has decided to call him “Blinky” for the duration of the Games. Last night we watched three hours of Figure Skating, Slopestyle preliminaries and the Women’s Very Lumpy Moguls, although the Howdygram’s coverage today will only include skating because I don’t give a crap about the other two.

Dallas has no road salt, one sack of meaningless sand and three snowplows.

In this post: Canadian Mounties, frozen freeways, Costco deals, map pins.

I’ve got big news today, classic TV fans. The “Sergeant Preston of the Yukon” DVDs I ordered from Amazon finally arrived! IN A REAL COLLECTOR’S TIN! Holy crap, this thing is SO DAMN COOL. There are two boxed DVDs inside with five half-hour episodes on each. I thought I’d post a photo in the Howdygram but the flash was creating too much glare because the collector’s tin is actually made of GENUINE METAL — you know, as in very shiny — so I’ll just include a regular picture of Sergeant Preston instead. In case you have no idea what I’m talking about here, “Sergeant Preston of the Yukon” was a half-hour TV series that ran from 1955 to 1958. Was he adorable, or what? Thank you.

The blue crap is snow!

In this post: Snowflakes, jury duty.

I think it’s snowing outside. I’d know for sure if I got off my ass and actually looked out the window, except I’m too comfortable at the moment to get up so I’ll just have to use the following screen shot from Weather.com to make my point. See? THE BLUE CRAP IS SNOW! For the record, we’re expecting less than one inch. (I’m guessing flurries.) The teeny red star on the map below indicates Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in, I’m the senior citizen in a red bathrobe enjoying an early-morning Marcytini.

Today I slept through breakfast, lunch and three movies.

In this post: Power naps, lousy websites, scary sculptures.

So far Wednesday has been a mighty peculiar hoo-hah around here. I woke up way too early this morning — around 6 a.m., I think — after a nightmare about the Kardashians, and by 9:15 I decide to lie down in the family room with Mr. Furry* because I’m freezing and my head hurts. Unfortunately, the next time I open my eyes it’s already 1:30 and Sam is on his way out the door to go to work. Holy crap, people ... A FOUR-HOUR NAP. I lost half a day and slept through breakfast, lunch and THREE MOVIES!

Another day, another dead dysfunctional actor.

In this post: Addiction, Spam.

While I wait for Sam to get home from work I have one thought to share with you. CAN WE STOP OBSESSING ABOUT PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN?

You learn something new every day.

In this post: Club Meds, rediscovering George Sanders.

The big story today from Howdygram headquarters? During a routine appointment this morning with Dr. M she decided to discontinue two of my ten million prescriptions — Aldactone for high blood pressure and Glyburide for type 2 diabetes — because they’ve been causing a couple of my most annoying side effects, i.e. hypotension and hypoglycemia. I’m especially happy to get rid of Aldactone because Dr. M said low blood pressure (hypotension) is why I feel like passing out every time I stand up. My blood pressure today was 105/60, which apparently is ridiculously low.

I’m turning into my father, rest his soul.

In this post: A Vienna sausage retrospective, remembering Mr. Cub.

Considering that Monday started off crappy around here (see previous post) I’ve got some damn good news to share with you. I just got an email from Dollar Tree that my Armour Vienna sausages are ready for pickup! On January 29 I ordered a case of 48 cans online — a steal at only $24 — and when you choose delivery to your local store SHIPPING IS FREE. So tomorrow Sam gets to drive over to Dollar Tree and bring home a trunkload of TEENY CANS OF VIENNA SAUSAGE IN MYSTERY LIQUID! The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the Dollar Tree retail store on Town East Boulevard; C) our closest Lowe’s supercenter, where Sam buys light bulbs, hose nozzles and hammers; and D) my favorite Long John Silver’s. I love their cole slaw.

The only thing that might make today tolerable is a large quantity of braunschweiger.

In this post: No sleep, no holes, no nothing.

It’s damp and gray in north Texas this morning, and I want everybody to know that I’m crabby, hungry, achy, aggravated, really cold and tired as hell. It’s not easy to be all those things concurrently but I’ve always been an over-achiever. The reason for today’s distress? A SERIOUS LACK OF SLEEP (read my previous post). After hanging out at my desk half the night horsing around with the Howdygram and watching screwy videos, at 5 a.m. I finally conked out on the chaise in the family room and slept until 8:30. I look as lousy as I feel, my feet hurt and my blood sugar is too damn high.

I can always sleep on the chaise in the family room. Our chaise has ether in it.

In this post: File dumping, mayhem in suburbia, insomnia.

Now that I’m retired and my web design/graphic design business is defunct for eternity I finally decided to clean out a few folders from my hard drive that were jammed with crap I didn’t need any more. For instance, outdated email campaigns, logo ideas for ex-clients, old artwork, designs on spec for various deadbeats and project quotes for people I honestly can’t remember. However I didn’t quite realize until I clicked “Empty Trash” that about 3,200 files were involved and it would take more than 45 minutes to dump them all. As I begin this post I’m finally down to the last 200. Whoa.

Entertaining alternatives for Super Bowl Sunday.

In this post: No weather, Super Bowl alternatives.

You may be amused to learn that the HORRIBLE SUNDAY ICEPOCALYPSE forecast for Dallas by the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com didn’t materialize today after all. Sure, the temperature dropped, but the ice and sleet are nowhere near us and we really didn’t get any measurable rain, either. As usual, just a great big pile of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. (Thanks, Obama.)

Psychotic weather is headed for north Texas.

In this post: A weekend couch picnic.

So here’s what’s on the schedule today at Howdygram headquarters: 1) Sam is going to Costco; and 2) I can’t think of anything else, mostly because it’s 6 in the morning and who cares. Just in case you’re interested, though, on Sam’s shopping list today are Brownie Brittle, breakfast burritos, teeny chipotle chicken tacos, sushi, blueberry muffins, really big frozen cooked tail-off shrimp and fresh blackberries. We’re planning a weekend-long couch picnic that may or may not include the Super Bowl since we actually don’t give a crap who wins. (To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I even know who’s playing.)