It’s high time to begin the Howdygram’s official New Year’s Eve festivities.

In this post: Crappy crap, pickles & biscuits, poor Sam.

I have NOT had a terrific day. The crapola started before sun-up with a variety of body maintenance issues (see previous post) followed by seven consecutive hours of intense intestinal distress, several frantic trips down the hall and half a quart of Imodium. (If this is too much information for you, get over it.) By late afternoon I felt so lousy I couldn’t even face a can of Hormel tamales for dinner so I had pickles & biscuits instead. Stop laughing.

L’chaim, y’all.

In this post: Kvetching, New Year’s Eve, a treatise on Vienna sausages.

It’s 6:30 in the morning and I woke up sneezing about 15 minutes ago. This is a good thing, actually, because I was also thirsty, I had to pee, and I just discovered that I’m having a mild hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episode. So — for all of the aforementioned reasons — I’m wide awake, writing a Howdygram post and enjoying my first Marcytini of the day. L’chaim, y’all.

Here’s an end-of-December feel-good story.

In this post: Mental health, braunschweiger, a big win.

Let’s talk streamlining for a minute, okay? In my ongoing effort to avoid the hives and a cerebral hemorrhage, during the last 24 hours I’ve successfully “unsubscribed” myself from approximately four dozen assorted left-wing political email lists that were hounding me multiple times a day since the 2012 presidential election cycle. These included all of the following.

At no extra charge we also get the intriguing and ever-delightful Omar Sharif.

In this post: Sunday diversions, the jelly beans from hell.

It’s been another weird and sleepy day here at Howdygram headquarters. For the most part I’ve only managed to stay awake long enough to open a can of Dinty Moore beef stew and watch half of Lawrence of Arabia (1962) starring the late Peter O’Toole. (In reality this is even stranger than it sounds.)

Sleep is a healthful alternative to falling down.

In this post: Saturday sleep overdose, food news, a product review. 

I know this might be the understatement of the century, but I think today was the laziest day of my entire life … and we’re talking about more than SIX DECADES here. Need proof? I slept until noon, ate lunch with Sam, decided it was time for a nap and conked out on the chaise in the family room for another three and a half hours with Around the World in Eighty Days (1956) starring David Niven. Truth be told, I’ve been fatigued lately due to diabetic autonomic neuropathy — which includes being short of breath and getting dizzy — so sleep is a healthful alternative to falling down.

McDonald’s hopes you remembered to tip your masseuse.

In this post: Urgent emergency crap, McDonald’s fails.

Apparently the nationwide UPS and FedEx holiday delivery fiasco isn’t quite over yet, as I have two mysteriously missing packages that were due to arrive today. One was shipped FedEx from Wal-Mart in Albany, New York, but can’t seem to get itself out of Ohio; the other is an Amazon package that’s been stuck at the UPS sort facility in Fort Worth since Tuesday. Let me be perfectly clear about this: both shipments contain URGENT EMERGENCY RATIONS and I WANT MY URGENT EMERGENCY RATIONS NOW! This includes cans of Dinty Moore Beef Stew, La Choy Chow Mein in various flavors, two jars of Wal-Mart’s knockoff Arthritis-Strength Tylenol and a large jug of McCormick Spaghetti Sauce Mix. All are pictured below for your possible interest.

Mazel tov to creepy Edward Snowden. Hope you’re enjoying your first Russian winter.

In this post: The Great Pizza War, a retirement milestone, Snowden’s accomplishment.

I forgot to include an important issue in my post earlier today: OUR LOCAL PIZZA HUT WAS CLOSED ON CHRISTMAS EVE. Closed! Therefore I would appreciate a considered explanation of Pizza Hut’s corporate policy and/or a FORMAL APOLOGY regarding why these yokels refused to make a thin crust with extra cheese for the only Jewish residents of Mesquite, Texas. I consider this an outrage! This is politically incorrect! PIZZA HUT IS AT WAR WITH JEWS IN TEXAS! Thank you, have a nice day and oy.

Everybody knows that spooky crap happens all the time on the Internet.

In this post: Weird shit and spooky crap.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday because Sam and I enjoyed a non-holiday celebration of naps, food, movies and joyous slugdom. (Mostly because we’re Jewish.) However, please allow me to wish y’all a happy day-AFTER-Christmas, and I hope you snagged a pile of thrilling presents and ate enough indigestible fruitcake to sink a freakin’ battleship.

Merry Christmas from the Gefilte Fish Squad at Howdygram headquarters.

In this post: The ongoing imaginary war on Christmas.

Happy Tuesday, people! I’m here to make good on the promise in my last post by introducing the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week honoree. Meet Congressman Doug Lamborn of Colorado, another religious Republican manure-for-brains fighting back against the imaginary war on Christmas. With a comb-over, no less.

I’ve never tap-danced in my entire life.

In this post: Frozen solid, couch picnic essentials.

I’m almost too cold right now to type the word “hypothermia” because my body temperature is 94.8° AND I’M SHAKING. It doesn’t seem to matter that the house is 72° inside and I’m wearing the warmest fluffy robe I own. Holy crap, people. This really sucks. And in case you’re wondering what the hell is going on, my low body temperature issue is one of the many symptoms of diabetic autonomic neuropathy, where nerve damage sends wrong signals to (and from) the brain. This is also why I get lightheaded, short of breath, lose my balance, have difficulty swallowing and had to stop tap-dancing. (I might be kidding about tap-dancing. I’ve never tap-danced in my entire life.)

Tonight is Christmas Eve. This is no big deal to Sam and me for any reason whatsoever.

In this post: Insomnia, Tuesday shopping, holiday favorites.

It’s 6:20 a.m. and I don’t know why I’m hanging out in the study at this hour of the morning. I woke up at 5 for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure but couldn’t fall asleep again when I went back to bed, so here I am … armed with a keyboard and ready for trouble. Shopping always helps kill a little time so I just ordered the following fine products from my friends at Amazon: 1) a gigantic jug of tasty McCormick Italian herb spaghetti sauce seasoning mix (all you do is moosh it up with canned tomatoes); and 2) Sparkle Dent for the whitest dentures in North America. I’m not sure they actually sparkle, per se, but this stuff is pretty damn AMAZING.

Today’s holiday treat: 45 minutes of “Gladys Knight Sings Shitty Christmas Songs” on a continuous loop.

In this post: Holiday weather, many happy returns, menu options.

In case you’re planning a holiday visit to the Dallas area to eat barbecue, drink beer and pet the cattle, I’m pleased to offer the following EXCELLENT WEATHER FORECAST through December 28. It would have been nice also to include December 29, 30 and 31 but my screen shot tool didn’t reach that far. I know you’ll forgive me. Carry on, people.

Drive-by Christmas cards and a visit from Schwan’s.

In this post: Bah humbug, pleasant frozen whatnots.

As I write this post Sam is embarking on a post office “drive-by” to mail our six Christmas cards. I realize we’re probably a week late with this activity, but it’s apparent that nobody really gives a crap about Christmas cards any more since we’ve only received TWO this year ... and both are from people I don’t even know. (Sam’s co-workers.) Therefore, here’s a big fat Howdygram PHOOEY to all you humbugs out there and a Merry Festivus to one and all.

Disappointment and braunschweiger.

In this post: Crappy merchandise, a dinner dilemma. 

The verdict is in, people. MY CRAPPY NEW OFFICE CHAIR IS GOING BACK TOMORROW. What a total disappointment after waiting three months for this damn thing on back order, then watching Sam assemble and disassemble it three times today trying to figure out why the angle of the seat (which isn’t adjustable) tilts so far forward that a handicapped senior citizen like yours truly has to put excessive pressure on her already-lousy knees to keep from sliding onto the floor. Holy mother of crap.

My new office chair is creating a lot of negative hoo-hah.

In this post: Chair fail.

If you’re like me, you might need a little something to cheer you up right now.

Nothing relieves pain like a can of beef stew.

In this post: Unexpected naps, cheap eats.

It’s two hours before sunrise at Howdygram headquarters and I’m wide awake, the end result of two long and unexpected naps on Saturday, the second of which ended around 9 p.m. — Sam actually slept until 11:15 — followed by a ridiculously late dinner at midnight. Obviously we’re both upside-down but we don’t give a crap. We sleep when we’re tired and we eat when we’re hungry. AMERICA!

Cottonelle Clean Care with Very Stupid Ripples is ruining my life.

In this post: Water from the sky, bad toilet paper.

It’s a dark and crappy Saturday morning due to substantial very cold rain all around the Dallas metro area. For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Hong Kong Royal in Carrollton where we can’t go for dim sum today because it’s too far, too cold and too wet; and C) the location of our favorite Costco in Rockwall. (We’re not doing Costco today, either.) I, for one, plan to stay indoors with Sam, The Bishop’s Wife and a can of Hormel tamales.

Please feel free to drop in if you’re hungry because I’ve got a lot of fantastic snacky crap.

In this post: Shipping nightmares, snack attacks. 

UPS and FedEx are a total disaster right now in the Dallas metropolitan area. Deliveries are late, rescheduled, misdirected and then vaporize. Yesterday FedEx didn’t deliver the office chair I’d been waiting for (on back order) since September so I checked online around midnight to see if they rescheduled it. I find out the package had been “delivered to front door” at 11:45 p.m. so I open the front door and guess what: NO DAMN PACKAGE. It’s past midnight when I finally reach somebody at FedEx to rip them a new one, and the customer service agent puts me on hold and sends a text message directly to the delivery driver. Two hours later I hear a truck engine idling outside and my carton mysteriously shows up at the front door ... at 2 o’clock in the morning. Holy crap.

I find it ironic to have a toothache but no teeth.

In this post: Crap held hostage, a Putz of the Week.

There’s something amiss right now at Howdygram headquarters. UPS and FedEx have totally loused up their pre-holiday deliveries, and all the packages I was expecting yesterday and today have been rescheduled until tomorrow (hopefully) for no apparent reason whatsoever. The online tracking information simply says “EXCEPTION.” Really? An exception to what, exactly? You’re holding my damn crap* hostage! I WANT MY DAMN CRAP AND I WANT IT NOW!

Sam is overworked.

In this post: Just come home already.

It’s almost 5 a.m. here. I just woke up for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and discovered that Sam isn’t home from work yet! I called his office (no answer, which is very weird) and then his cell phone, which is when I find out that Sam is jogging across downtown Dallas on foot trying to deliver a hard-copy document proof to a client who’s staying at the Ritz. AT FIVE IN THE MORNING, PEOPLE. He was out of breath, his legs are hurting, he’s crabby and he’s exhausted.

I’ve been sitting on a broken chair since mid-summer. My butt deserves much better treatment than this.

In this post: A tardy office chair, too many maracas, ongoing drought.

I’ve been trying to write a Howdygram post since 9 o’clock this morning but haven’t been able isolate any interesting topics or assemble the necessary sentences. I don’t know if I’ve got enough motivation now, either, but it’s 12 hours later and what the crap, I’ll just give it my best shot. Each paragraph will have a title so you’ll know what’s what, okay?

I’m a retired senior citizen now and this is probably all the excitement I can stand.

In this post: Exciting options for retirees, heavy lifting.

It’s 3:45 p.m. and here are my options for the rest of the day: 1) take another nap; 2) eat things; 3) clean up the kitchen because my maid comes tomorrow and I don’t want her to think we’re slobs; 4) items 1, 2 and 3 followed by watching The Thrill of It All (1963) starring Doris Day and James Garner; and 5) folding underwear. If you think my life sounds boring you’d probably be right, except I’M A RETIRED SENIOR CITIZEN NOW and this is probably all the excitement I can stand ... not counting a hot shower and tonight’s season premier of “Hardcore Pawn.”

In the early stages of hypoglycemia it’s a lot like being inebriated.

In this post: Hypoglycemia, Internet groceries.

I woke up half an hour ago in the middle of low blood sugar episode. I can always tell what’s going on even if I’m still half asleep because all of a sudden my knees don’t hurt, which is due to my brain powering down from a serious lack of glucose. This is not a wholly unpleasant feeling, mind you. In the early stages of hypoglycemia it’s a lot like being inebriated. Unfortunately, in the later stages it’s a lot like being a cadaver. I guess you can’t have everything.

Amazon’s shopping fairies sometimes drop the price when you’re not looking.

In this post: Condolence call, shopping diversions.

There isn’t very much to write about today because I never do anything interesting unless you give a crap about laundry, so I’ll begin this post with a brand new Howdygram feature!

Sam has changed his name to Mister Productive today.

In this post: Wider is better, meet Mister Productive.

It’s entirely possible that some of you may not be aware that the Howdygram is 20 pixels wider today. While this might be no big deal to you whatsoever it’s a very big deal to me because 20 extra pixels can change a person’s life, and as soon as I think of a few examples you’ll be the first to know. Meanwhile, in case you don’t quite know what 20 pixels looks like you can check out the red box in the illustration below.

I’ll risk damn near anything if unlimited egg rolls are involved.

In this post: Dense fog, giant pies. 

Here’s some breaking news on Saturday afternoon from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! We’ve just decided NOT to drive all over town looking at Christmas lights tonight because it’s too cold and damp outside and also because Sam wants to spend some quality time with the gigantic apple pie he bought this afternoon at Tom Thumb. So I won’t feel left out I purchased the following essentials today from a variety of my favorite Internet retailers. I ordered 100 insulin pen needles from Wayfair.com, a foamy soap dispenser thing from Amazon and McCormick Brown Gravy on eBay.