Breaking news from Howdygramland.

University of Florida study reveals that mercury pollution makes birds gay. According to wildlife ecology and conservation professor Peter Frederick, even low levels of mercury can disrupt hormones in birds, leading males to mate and nest with other males. To prove his scientific findings, Frederick noted that flamingo communities in south Florida are reporting a startling surge in web orders for “The Wizard of Oz” on DVD and Cher music videos. There is no evidence that mercury pollution has the same affect on humans. (Yet.)

TV clown Francisco Oliviera is elected to congress in Brazil. A television clown elected to Brazil’s congress has been approved to begin his duties as a lawmaker after barely passing a mandatory literacy test. Oliviera (pictured below), a 45-year-old comic better known by his stage name “Tiririca,” apparently demonstrated the absolute minimum of intellect during the exam and had extreme difficulty in writing. This result, however, sufficiently disproved critics who had claimed Oliviera was totally illiterate. To prepare for possible resistance after he begins his term of office, Oliviera has pre-ordered 500 cream pies and an industrial-strength squirt gun.

Jewish pets celebrate Hanukkah. Here we see Shmuyel Dogstein (below), the bar mitzvah greyhound, posing with his yarmulke and stuffed dreidl. Immediately after this portrait was taken Shmuyel joined his family for the traditional menorah-lighting ceremony and a trip out back to pee.

And now it’s time to enjoy a quiet Friday night at home. I’m going to reheat some Chinese leftovers and read the manual that came with my new bread machine. I’d also like to wish a great big GET WELL SOON to Ray Carmichael, who had his left big toe joint replaced this morning. I seriously think we all need to see a picture of this. Thank you.