Repeat after me: It’s a hamburger, people.

Mainstream America is generally a pack of dolts, and the following video clip absolutely proves my point. The Dallas Morning News showed up yesterday at 10 a.m. to interview a mob of local yahoos at the grand opening of Texas’ first In-N-Out Burger, the California chain with its own cult following. Apparently some had been in line for THREE DAYS; others sat and CRIED. Personally, I don’t get it. They don’t even use Velveeta!

Trader Joe’s, however, is a totally different story. Their first Dallas store will open by the end of the year, and that’s a monumental event worthy of a three-day campout so I can be first in line for cottage cheese and couscous salad. I’m just saying. All this hoo-hah about In-N-Out Burger made me hungry so I’m sending Sam to our local Five Guys to pick up a couple of cheeseburgers for us. Is this a thing of beauty, or what? (Five Guys is better than In-N-Out any day of the week.)

FYI, I always order online so Sam doesn’t have to wait when he gets there. This activity all by itself validates my investment in a $1,700 Macintosh computer system. Thank you for reading this and pass the napkins.