Football from a new perspective.

Here’s what you’ve all been waiting for — photos from Sam’s VIP tour of Cowboys Stadium! The best part, apparently, was the fact that the Cowboys were actually PRACTICING yesterday so Sam had a chance to hang out at the 50-yard line along with the coaches and Gatorade boys!

Other points of interest included Jerry Jones’ luxury suite and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders’ locker room. The latter featured life-size photos of the finest bimbos in Texas wearing practically no clothes whatsoever. Yee-ha, y’all.

And now I’d like to critique the worst reality competition show of all time, Bravo’s “Work of Art.” The new season debuted last night and the 14 artists/contestants are the most bizarre flock of whack jobs I’ve ever seen. I’ll feature two of the worst for your possible enlightenment — Kathryn and Sucklord. (No kidding. That’s his name.)

Kathryn makes three-dimensional art and faux human organs from dough and rags splattered with jelly, red fruit juice and berry stains and then photographs them. Frankly, this is way beyond disgusting and looks more like crap from the floor of an operating room.

Sucklord designs art toys and “evil arts action figures” and describes himself as a geeky nerd. Truth is, Sucklord is also snotty as hell and void of any visible talent. I’d be willing to bet he was a special needs student in high school.

Sucklord was almost eliminated on the first night of competition even though the show’s art expert and mentor, Simon DePury, is a huge Sucklord fan and has even paid money for his gay action figures like Homotrooper, pictured above. Simon frightens me beyond belief. THIS IS NOT ART.

Before I go back to bed I’d like to thank y’all for letting me unload. Have a nice day.

Where the hell are my mozzarella sticks.

It’s Wednesday. As I write this post I’m waiting for my Schwan’s delivery so I can eat mozzarella sticks for lunch. Sam is on a VIP tour of Cowboys Stadium.

David was supposed to take the tour, too, except he flew back to Los Angeles last night. Sam called just before the tour started at 11 to let me know he was able to sell David’s ticket in the parking lot. This is great news even though I know how much he wanted David to be there. Cowboys Stadium is a brand new billion-dollar facility that looks like the mother ship from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Online reviews give the VIP tour five stars because they let you visit a luxury suite, check out the locker rooms and run around on the field.

Here’s something exciting. In addition to all the usual suspects in the United States — including a frequent addict from Herndon, Virginia — the Howdygram is pleased to report visitors today from the following exotic locations: Singapore, Spain, Indonesia, Malaysia, Japan, Croatia, South Africa and NASA Headquarters in Huntsville, Alabama.

The Howdygram is officially a global phenomenon. Holy crapola, maybe somebody should do a reality TV show about us! They could model it after Gordon Ramsay’s hit series and call it “Typing Nightmares.” Just a thought.

Thank you so much for reading this. Tell your friends.

A strange state of affairs.

Tuesday was a mighty weird day. I’ll begin by announcing that David flew back to Los Angeles yesterday — TWO DAYS EARLY — but it had nothing at all to do with Howdygram hospitality, the excellent accommodations or our packed refrigerator. Read on for all the details.

First, we had a top-notch visit to the Choctaw Casino on Monday, where we enjoyed their massive buffet of above-average food, David played poker and Sam won a mind-blowing payout — $54 on a 30¢ investment — from a very lucky penny slot machine that also blasted calypso music loud enough to make Sam turn red. For dinner we took David to Saltgrass Steakhouse. In addition to eating some really nice food we also had a chance to watch the Rangers beat the Tigers with an 11th inning GRAND SLAM HOME RUN. I don’t know which was better — the game or my steak sandwich. (Okay. The steak sandwich.)

Sam and David did the Texas State Fair on Tuesday without me. I had a last-minute change of heart and decided it would be too much shlepping for a creaky senior with a cane and an attitude. The guys apparently had a blast, however, and saw historical Civil War exhibits, the crazy midway with people flying around on contraptions, sat in several hundred overpriced cars at the auto show, walked through the Hall of Crap where you can buy all those essential slicers, dicers and miracle knives you see on TV, and watched a few blue ribbon “domestic arts” competitions. Sam said they both stayed away from exotic fried food monstrosities. This was a smart move since nobody wants to get sick on chicken-fried bacon or a wad of deep-fried bubble gum in the middle of the fairgrounds.

And now everything goes completely kablooey. About half an hour after Sam and David got home from the Fair I receive a strange phone call from the Los Angeles police department asking for David. HIS HOUSE HAD JUST BEEN BURGLARIZED. I have no idea how the police found our phone number, but David decided he’d better go home right away so we call American Airlines, change his return ticket and drive him to the airport in time for a 7:45 p.m. flight back to Burbank. This all happens so fast I still expect to see him sitting at Sam’s computer with a yogurt. I’ll post an update after we hear from David in a couple of days, so stay tuned.

I hope these damn criminals wind up on “America’s Most Wanted” for wrecking a perfectly wonderful vacation. Thank you for reading this.

Truth is stranger than fiction.

After a nice brunch at Blue Mesa Grill and a driving tour of Dallas in the rain, Sam, David and I spent most of the day on Sunday watching the final round of the Frys.com Open on the Golf Channel — easily the screwiest PGA event we’ve ever seen. First, a fan was arrested for running onto the seventh green and throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods. Witnesses say the bun fell short of where Woods was putting; the hot dog landed on the green. There is no information about the mustard.

Tiger ultimately finished the tournament in a tie for 30th. He later told reporters he plans to develop a new swing to protect himself from sausage missiles in time for his next comeback.

The highlight of the day, however, was the never-ending, six-hole sudden death playoff — an oxymoron if I ever heard one — between “Faux Phil” Molder and Briny Baird that dragged on for hours until everybody was swinging in the dark. There was nothing “sudden” about this death whatsoever.

These two goofballs defy description. Both have been playing professional golf for at least 12 years but NEVER WON ANYTHING. Molder, who eventually finished on top, looks like Phil Mickelson’s younger, skinnier twin and has a caddy — a dead ringer for Tweedle-Dum! — who should consider changing careers immediately before he has a heart attack. As for Baird, his record with the PGA had been so pathetic until now that all the usual corporate sponsors — Callaway Golf, Taylormade, Titleist, Nike — apparently refused to touch him. So the dude spent four days channeling Jimmy Buffett in a stupid straw hat that advertised P. F. Chang’s Chinese Bistro.

In other news, please accept my apology. A few days ago I posted that we were taking David to the WinStar Casino in Thackery, Oklahoma — except yesterday Sam managed to convince me that we’re not going to the WinStar, it’s the Choctaw Casino in Durant. The Choctaw Casino (see below) is the one with the sugar-free dessert bar (I actually dream about it) and a million penny slot machines.

They also have an excellent parking lot, huge rest rooms with electronic foaming soap dispensers and a gorgeous adjacent hotel. I’ll try to take some pictures.

Although this will probably sound like a line from a Three Stooges movie, it’s time to wake up Sam (he’s asleep in the family room) so we can go to bed. Thank you for reading this.

Our Sunday agenda with David.

We’re taking David to brunch at Blue Mesa Grill later this morning. There are five Blue Mesa restaurants scattered around Dallas but Sam and I always go to the one in Addison (see photo below) because we have a favorite waiter named Al who knocks himself out refilling the guacamole. Blue Mesa’s brunch is TO DIE FOR and continues to win all kinds of awards. My personal favorite entree is their adobe pie, but I can’t seem to find a decent portrait of this dish online that doesn’t look like a plate of barf. Adobe pie is, in fact, a FABULOUS CREATION and one of the all-time best items on their menu aside from southwestern fajitas, house-made sweet potato chips, street tacos and blue corn enchiladas!

After brunch we’ll treat David to a free narrated driving tour of Dallas, which will include: 1) the mansions of Bent Tree; 2) the mansions of Highland Park; 3) George and Laura’s neighborhood; 4) the SMU campus; 5) the Kennedy Memorial, the Book Depository and everybody’s favorite “grassy knoll”; 6) Sam’s office at Crescent Court (see below) in Uptown; and 7) mooing cattle in Sunnyvale.

Crescent Court is an exceptionally cool complex with snooty shopping like Stanley Korshak and white-tablecloth restaurants like The Capital Grille, a five-star hotel, and three office towers with a tenant list that reads like a Who’s Who of Wall Street. Plus Sam.

And finally, here are three of Sunnyvale’s finest posing for an informal portrait. Sunnyvale is adjacent to our subdivision in Mesquite and a bunch of happy cattle actually live right across the street from the CVS pharmacy on Belt Line. You can even hear them moo when you’re waiting for a prescription!

I’d better go to bed now so I won’t be late for brunch. Thank you for reading this.

Saturday afternoon updates.

As I write this post Sam is at Dallas/Forth Worth Airport waiting for David. American Airlines emailed a status update about half an hour ago to let us know David’s flight is still expected at Gate C-12 but it’s 10 minutes late. This is no big deal whatsoever.

Fresh from presidential candidate Rick Perry’s Texas headquarters I’m pleased to present his campaign team’s latest strategy for success. I guess they figure it has to be all about the HAIR — especially when your politics suck and your IQ is roughly the same as your age.

And now, a couple of brief-but-memorable Perry-focused video clips starring Bill Maher.





In case there’s any doubt, the Howdygram’s editorial staff does NOT support Rick Perry for president. We don’t even like this yahoo as governor of Texas and would be willing to donate money if he’d relocate to Oklahoma before Thanksgiving. Seriously.

Thanks so much for reading this.

Captain's log, star date 10/8/11.

The great big “yee-ha” you just heard was Sam. He’s officially ON VACATION and we’re so excited we both popped out of bed this morning at 4:30. This actually makes no sense whatsoever and I’m pretty sure I’ll try to get more sleep at some point for a while because 4:30 is way too early for me.

But first I want to write a post. Posting is my whole life.

Here’s some breaking news from the Howdygram Travel Center. I just asked Sam for David’s itinerary so I can look up his arrival gate on American Airlines’ website, and so far his flight is scheduled to zoom into Dallas at 4:05 p.m., Gate C-12 . For your possible interest please see the neatly highlighted map of Terminal C below along with a photo of sample airplanes.

And now, for all you original “Star Trek” fans, I’m pleased to offer the following video clip — Captain Kirk vs. Gorn — that’s generally regarded as the cheesiest fake fight in history, complete with stupid styrofoam rocks. (Public safety warning: please consider a trip to the bathroom before you watch this.)



Set your phasers to “stun” and thank you for reading this.

Remarkable achievements.

There’s a LOT going on around here today as we get ready for my brother-in-law David’s arrival tomorrow afternoon, and it’s my distinct pleasure to report that I’ve been surprisingly productive even though I felt slightly crappy this morning and wound up taking a 90-minute nap for no apparent reason while Sam went to buy groceries.

Projects on my schedule this afternoon have included: 1) three loads of laundry; 2) reorganizing the master bedroom closet; 3) emptying the dishwasher; 4) replacing Yankee Candle electric fragrance refills in five rooms; and 5) a brief Cheetos break so I won’t conk out from all this exertion. At the moment there are very few chores left on my list and I’m damn happy about that.

Incidentally, in case you’ve never been to the Dallas/Forth Worth Airport here’s a handy diagram to print and save for future reference.

I’d point an arrow to the terminal where David is supposed to land but I won’t know his terminal or gate assignment until tomorrow. As a matter of fact, Sam hasn’t shown me David’s itinerary so I don’t even know the airline. Holy crap, this paragraph really turned out to be a crushing disappointment.

Guess I’ll go fold laundry for a while. As most of you already know, my world revolves around clean socks.

Adventures in Howdygramland.

Good morning, Howdygramsters. It’s the crack of the middle of the night (dawn is more than an hour away), Sam is in bed, and I’m pleased to announce that I just pre-ordered Steve Jobs’ long-awaited biography from Amazon.com. The book is due to ship on October 24 and Amazon is selling the hardcover for only $17.88. That’s HALF PRICE. I’d include a photo of the book jacket but it looks exactly like the image of Steve from my post on Wednesday.

For all you foodies out there, it’s almost time to program your DVRs for “Top Chef Texas,” which premiers November 2 on Bravo. I love “Top Chef” but hate their “Top Chef Just Desserts” spinoff. Pastry chefs are way too boring for reality TV, I don’t particularly like the judges except for Gail Simmons and the challenges have been exceptionally stupid. The big hoo-hah on Wednesday night’s episode was for everybody to create a new kind of doughnut. I had a hard time staying awake for THAT one. Seriously.

I had a mighty successful Costco junket yesterday morning and came home with a big container of pasta salad for Sam, a package of fresh chicken taquitos, our favorite salsa, two pounds of lox, chipotle chicken meatballs, sushi, a tub of cashews and 48 AA alkaline batteries. Later today we’ll make a quick run to Tom Thumb to pick up a few essentials for David’s visit and a private bag of Cheetos just for ME.

Here’s a brief-yet-shocking Root Canal Report from Sam’s visit to the endodontist yesterday — he’s going to need a THIRD TREATMENT for that infected molar! The dentist says he’s never seen anything like this before because Sam apparently has “freakishly long” roots on his lower teeth. Poor Sam isn’t having any fun whatsoever and the right side of his face looks like a chipmunk.

I’m going back to bed now. Thank you for reading this.

Posting from the Twilight Zone.

I really never believed in psychic connections until now.

Last night when Sam called to tell me Steve Jobs had died I was already working on a Howdygram post and decided to add one last paragraph with a photo of Steve at the end. So I did a Google search and looked at thousands of Steve Jobs images before I picked the one I liked best.

Here comes the Twilight Zone part.

Immediately afterwards I visited Apple.com to see how they were treating Steve’s obituary, and — holy crap — they had posted the SAME PHOTO (in black and white) on their home page that I used in the Howdygram. The odds of that are maybe a billion to one!

Apple will probably switch back to their regular home page after a couple of days, but in the meantime you can check it out here.

In other news, Sam’s Aunt Adie emailed a lovely food portrait (see below) last night after she made a pot of authentic Texas chili from a mix that she won in a Howdygram contest.

This looks sensational, Adie, and I’m convinced your next career should be cookbook photography. In the future, however, please consider emailing some actual CHILI instead of a PHOTO.

I just ran out of lemonade so I guess it’s time to go back to bed for a little while. Sam has his second root canal treatment at 9 this morning, and while he’s gone I think I’ll do a junket over to Costco for an industrial-size package of lox, a tub of Sam’s favorite cashews and a few other essentials that David might like. Only two more days to go!

Thank you for reading this.

My career epiphany.

In case you don’t think you’ll know for sure when the time is right for retirement, here are my top five fundamental clues.

1. You haven’t handed anybody a business card in more than a year.
2. Your clients are a bunch of pests and you’d rather lose the revenue than answer their emails.
3. You’re more excited about the latest episode of “Real Housewives of New Jersey” than quoting a new design project.
4. You seriously can’t remember what your next invoice number is supposed to be.
5. There’s no good reason to continue paying for an 800 number because you haven’t felt motivated to answer the phone since 2009.

I’m not joking about any of this and I’m ready to wrap it all up. I qualify for senior discounts everywhere on the planet, I’ve already collected my pension payout from a former employer, I’m two years away from Social Security and all I really want to do for the next three decades is fold Sam’s socks and defrost things for dinner.

Making matters worse — MUCH worse — is the sad news tonight that Steve Jobs has died, most certainly from the pancreatic cancer he’s been battling for the last few years. Sam called to tell me a few minutes ago and the story is spreading like wildfire on every major news website. Personally, I feel like I’ve lost an old friend. I think I’ll sit shiva here at my Mac for a couple of hours and watch a bunch of Steve’s old MacWorld Expo keynote speeches on YouTube.

Thanks for stopping by.

I think I'm too old to change.

Or maybe I’m just exceptionally comfortable with the way things already are. Blogspot — the website that hosts the Howdygram — has decided (once again) to change its blogger interface for composition and editing, resulting in a format I definitely don’t like and on-screen type that’s too small to read when I’m entering HTML code. Right now this is all still in a “try me” phase so I keep reverting back to the older style I like better. The clock is ticking, though. One day very, very soon I’ll have to deal with this baloney and write the Howdygram on a screen that I absolutely hate. I want to slap somebody for doing this to me. Seriously.

I just read an article on MSNBC.com that Alzheimer’s may be transmissible like mad cow disease. Holy crap, I wonder if this means your cattle won’t remember your name, they’ll forget where they left the keys to the back gate and you’ll have to hire a cow-sitter if you go away for the weekend.

I might be a little confused about this, however. It was a pretty short article — just enough to screw with a person’s head, like another fairly brief story I read this morning about huge amounts of contaminated imported seafood taking over our food supply. Apparently the new normal these days is “panic journalism” that’s designed to scare you half to death. Mad cows, infected fish, salmonella chicken, terrifying spinach, poisoned cantaloupes. Effective immediately I’m on the Howdygram Cheetos and Beefaroni Diet, two of the safest foods known to man that could survive a nuclear holocaust. Another is Twinkies, whose primary ingredient is polyester, except I’m diabetic.

Thank you for reading this.

The sneezy, thirsty insomniac.

That’s me, in case you haven’t guessed by now. I had solid plans to hit the sack after Sam and I finished watching a PBS special last night but everything went kablooey at some point. I conked out in the family room, Sam crept off to bed, and now I’m sitting here at 2:30 in the morning, sneezing for no apparent reason, with kleenex and a huge Marcytini to keep me company.

I should probably just go to bed. I didn’t get much sleep last night, either, and I’ll feel crappy all day if I do that again. Thanks for stopping by.

There's nothing as constant as change.

Surprise! I gave the Howdygram a FACE LIFT today! I was getting a little tired of that grungy pink and brown banner and decided to go “vintage western” instead with a pattern that reminds me of saloon wallpaper. So this is the Howdygram’s OFFICIAL NEW LOOK until I get bored again, probably sometime next year. I’ve also decided to take a break from movie reviews for a while so I deleted all the navigation links under the banner. I hope y’all approve. Thank you.

President Obama was right here in Mesquite today giving a speech about his jobs bill at a local community college. Since Texas is HUGELY Republican the President’s visit was barely publicized with a cryptic two-sentence statement on the Dallas Morning News website that practically everybody missed, including me. I found out at breakfast from Sam. Had I known about this a couple of days ago I would have invited the President to come over for a bowl of soup and a couple of “People’s Court” reruns. Below is a photo of studly Bubba Obama posing in a Stetson.

We’ve been getting ready for my brother-in-law’s visit this weekend. So far our projects have included cleaning out the freezer and refrigerator because we don’t want to scare him with weird leftovers, sprucing up the guest room, hauling some old bedding to Good Will, and Sam still wants to hose down the patio and garage. However I’m positive that David isn’t very likely to care about ANY of this. I think his flight gets in around 4 p.m. on Saturday. Sam has the itinerary.

I think I’ll mosey into the kitchen now and whip up something awesome for dinner — either a can of Campbell’s bean soup (seriously) or leftover egg foo young with a great big Marcytini and half a box of Liberty Orchards Fruit Delights. Company is always welcome.

I love my life. Thank you for reading this.

Just in time for Halloween.

Welcome to the Club Meds house of horrors. You may or may not have noticed a flood of public service announcements on TV recently about a class-action lawsuit against the manufacturer of the diabetes “wonder drug” Actos. Apparently Actos is causing BLADDER CANCER in addition to a laundry list of equally frightening side effects.

The only reason I’m writing about Actos is because I took this crap for a year and a half when I first moved to Texas in 2007 — and it nearly KILLED ME with every known side effect and probably a few new ones. I gained 100 pounds in a very short period of time, developed severe edema in my feet and ankles (I couldn’t wear shoes) and suffered from such shortness of breath and crippling fatigue that it was almost impossible to walk around in my own house.

I complained constantly to my physician. When she refused to change my prescription (Sam and I always suspected she was getting kickbacks from the drug company) I CHANGED DOCTORS. Adorable Dr. M discontinued Actos immediately but it took me almost two years to lose the weight, the fluid and the fatigue.

Bottom line — thank God I had the brains to change doctors or I’d be blogging about bladder cancer by now!

In other news, last week on Amazon.com I ordered a three-box package of Liberty Orchards’ sugar-free Fruit Delights. My shipment arrived today, and these squishy little goodies are so addicting that even Sam loves them! I got really excited and just went back to Amazon to order another three-pack. Incidentally, here’s a hot tip for the bargain-hunters among you — these are a LOT cheaper on Amazon than on Liberty Orchards’ website. Liberty Orchards sells this box for $13.95; Amazon sells three for $19.05. (You don’t have to be a math genius to figure this out. Trust me.)

Liberty Orchards’ Fruit Delights are a spin-off of a weird middle-eastern confection called Turkish delights, except Fruit Delights happen to be DELICIOUS with flavors like blueberry, raspberry, apricot, and so on. Turkish delights are terrifying little things that taste like men’s cologne. Do not be fooled.

Before I go to bed — at last — I want to share this update on the new family room furniture we ordered a couple of weeks ago. Our sectional sofa will be ready for delivery at the end of next week (three weeks ahead of schedule) and Sam’s new leather chair and ottoman will be here at the end of the month. Please raise your hand if you’re as excited as I am!

Thank you for reading this.

Fair game.

On the slim chance this might be important to you I thought I’d include the Dallas Observer’s handy fried food map for the Texas State Fair. I realize the image below is too teeny to be very helpful so CLICK HERE for a larger version.

For all you foodies out there I’m pleased to introduce a couple of interesting new Texas State Fair dining options that didn’t actually win any awards. First, I don’t know what the hell is stuffed inside that beautiful Bacon-Wrapped Flour Tortilla (see below) but as long as it’s not bubble gum I’m positive I want to eat this — and it’s even on a STICK. Corn Dog Pizza, on the other hand, looks pretty revolting and will probably attract a pre-school crowd. (The same age group that’s throwing a tantrum for Make-Your-Own Slurpees.)

And here’s an official portrait of the Deep-Fried Biscuits and Gravy when it posed for the State Fair yearbook last month. I seriously want to eat THIS, too.

One last item on the subject of football. Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was elected MVP by the Detroit Lions yesterday after allowing three agonizing fourth-quarter interceptions that turned the Cowboys’ 24-point lead into a 34-30 loss. Below is a photo of Romo reacting to his epic failure. The game was so depressing that Sam and I almost fell asleep eating our mozzarella sticks.

I’m going back to bed now. Thank you for reading this.

October in Texas.

Here’s some late-breaking weather news. Temperatures have cooled down considerably here, with average daytime highs in the mid-80s and overnight lows in the upper 50s. While we’re all mighty happy to be finished with that never-ending summer heat wave, Texas is still stuck with a DROUGHT. A brief thunderstorm in September dropped about two inches of rain but didn’t make much of a dent in our 16-inch deficit for 2012. (We had a deficit LAST year, too.) I’m just saying.

I thought I’d seen it all, but here are four of the major new stories this morning on  MSNBC.com. You’d better brace yourself.

“Canadian Arctic Loses Nearly Entire Ice Shelf”
“Nine American Cities Are Going Broke”
“Colorado Town At Center of Listeria Outbreak”
“Whoopi Goldberg Says Potato Chips Are Her Weakness”

I can’t seriously imagine that ANYBODY gives a crap what Whoopi Goldberg eats. I sure don’t.

In other news, to help my brother-in-law David get ready for his visit next week I thought I’d post a few photos from one of the high spots of our agenda — a visit to the WinStar Casino in Thackery, Oklahoma. Below are images of the outside and the inside; above right is a shot promoting one of the the casino’s most popular dining options, Cheap Grilled Lobby Dogs. They also have a buffet specializing in meatballs and a food court with a Panda Express.

Incidentally, I might be joking about some of this. The WinStar is actually pretty cool with an enormous assortment of penny slots and an exceptionally above-average buffet with a SUGAR-FREE DESSERT BAR. I really LOVE that dessert bar!

And now, for the sports fans among you, it’s almost game time! Sam and I are getting set to watch the Cowboys vs. Detroit here at Cowboys Stadium. We’re having mozzarella sticks for lunch and at half-time I want to clean out the freezer. I’ll be accepting applications for helpers for the next 90 minutes, so please send an email with your qualifications. (Please note — this is considered an internship position with no financial compensation.)

Thank you, as always, for reading this.

Whoops.

I’ll begin with today’s unexpected tragedy — a seller from Amazon.com screwed up my order for the Jerry Lewis movie, The Ladies Man. He sent me a different DVD with the same title starring Tim Meadows. I want to know who the hell is Tim Meadows, what’s with the afro and who does he think he is impersonating a big star like JERRY LEWIS.

I emailed the seller a little while ago and asked how can I exchange this for the DVD I actually ordered. Please try to go about your normal routine until it all gets sorted out. Thank you.

Another Amazon story. A couple of weeks ago I ordered Ninotchka — the 1939 masterpiece with Greta Garbo and Melvyn Douglas. A couple of days later the seller sends an email announcing that he’s “throwing in” a valuable hardcover book ABSOLUTELY FREE because he’s so excited that I’m spending $2.95 for a used movie. Well, the book arrived in the mail today and it’s a weird thing called “Loving Garbo,” the strange and sleazy story of her 40-year ménage à trois romance with American lesbian playwright Mercedes de Acosta and homosexual costume designer Cecil Beaton — with tons of pictures, excruciating detail and love letters. I can’t imagine who would ever want to know all this weird crap, but it definitely isn’t ME.

Late-breaking landscaping news! We bought a terrific Texas Ash today at Treeland that will be delivered and planted on October 28. It was $150 less than the Chinese Pistachio we originally thought we wanted PLUS they knocked off an extra 10% and will remove our dead Autumn Blaze Maple at no charge. We are exceptionally happy. On the way home we stopped at Sugarless Delite so I could buy a couple of cheesecake brownies. They’re TO DIE FOR and I’m saving them for tomorrow. And since it’s almost 11:30, tomorrow is only half an hour from now!

Thank you for reading this. Send napkins.

I almost forgot to tell you this.

I discovered a VERY COOL WEBSITE yesterday. I was searching around the Internet for a beveled mirror dual receptacle wallplate to replace one in the master bath that our maid service ruined (don’t ask) and came across Wallplates Online. They’ve got just about every kind of fancy schmancy wallplate on the planet for a lot less than I’ve ever seen anywhere else — and I got so excited I practically did a back flip! (Not really. I don’t think I even got up from my desk.)

I ordered the mirrored one I was looking for PLUS two each of the following for the master suite. They’re bronze and I think they’re GORGEOUS.

This website sells every imaginable wallplate configuration in pewter, chrome, brass, bronze, mirrored, stainless steel, wood, hand-painted ceramic, stone, marble, resin, plastic, copper, bamboo, wrought iron, porcelain and Velveeta. (Just kidding about the Velveeta.) You should go to Wallplates Online right now and check them out.

It’s been a while since my last Club Meds report so I thought you’d like to know that Victoza — the expensive, injectable diabetes “wonder drug” that I started using early last week — is NOT doing the job for my blood sugar, even after I doubled the dose on Wednesday. My glucose count is constantly 50 to 75 points above normal. At my last appointment Dr. M said if Victoza didn’t work I’d have to switch to insulin. I’ll call her next week to find out what she wants me to do.

Please send a half-dozen Krispy Kremes to cheer me up or some lemon Jello. Thank you for reading this.

Plant a flag when you get to the top.

I’m pleased to announce another Howdygram first. I just checked today’s statistics and discovered that we had a visitor this morning from Kathmandu, Nepal. Holy crapola — Kathmandu is across the street from Mount Everest! I’m totally dumbfounded imagining a sherpa sitting in a shack near ther summit with a half-frozen laptop, reading about Einstein awards, the Texas State Fair and Sam’s new shoes. Amazing.

Sam and I have some EXCITING PLANS this weekend. After dim sum for lunch tomorrow at Hong Kong Royal we want to drive up north to Treeland to buy a Chinese Pistachio for the front yard because our Autumn Blaze Maple didn’t survive the summer. Other possibilities are a Texas Ash and a Lacey Oak, two other drought-tolerant mid-size trees that won’t overwhelm the front of the house. Personally, I think we’d do better with a nice silk ficus, but that’s just me. I’m not crazy about living things.

Time to reward myself for reorganizing the pantry this afternoon. I’m going to fold socks, heat up a can of soup and watch Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation. Life is good. Thank you for reading this.

The biggest hoo-hah of the year.

It’s finally here — the 125th Texas State Fair opens tomorrow and runs through October 23. The weird doofus in the yellow cowboy hat (see below) is Big Tex, who stands 50 feet tall and scares you half to death at the main entrance.

Admission is $14.50 per person or $12.50 for children and seniors. On the odd chance that you’re planning to attend and haven’t mentioned it to us yet, the Howdygram would like you to note the following fabulous ADMISSION DISCOUNTS.

• Opening Day. Bring any Coca Cola product and get in for $5 per person.
• Senior Day. Admission is free on Thursdays if you’re 60 and over. Show your cane for a discount ride on the Texas Star ferris wheel.
• Dr. Pepper Tuesdays. On Tuesdays bring an empty Dr. Pepper can and get in for $4.
• Coke Thursdays. Bring an empty 20 oz. bottle of Coke on Thursdays and get in for $5.
• Cinemark Thursdays. Show a ticket stub from Cinemark Theaters and get in free on Thursdays. 
• Kroger Canned Food Drive. On Wednesdays admission is $2 for each visitor bringing three cans of food for the North Texas Food Bank. (Please, no canned unicorn meat, sauerkraut or spotted dick. Even desperate people have their standards.)

For the record, we’re planning to attend on Tuesday, October 11, with Sam’s brother David and three empty Dr. Pepper cans.

And now, at last, it’s time to watch “Project Runway” and eat dinner. Thank you for reading this.

Waiting for Jerry.

I’m not sure what compelled me to do this, but while Sam was on jury duty yesterday morning I ordered FIVE Jerry Lewis DVDs — The Ladies Man, Visit to a Small Planet, Funny Bones, The Stooge and four hours of Martin and Lewis routines from TV’s “Colgate Comedy Hour” in the 1950s. The DVD covers appear below.

This is so exciting I can’t stand it — especially the fact that I dug up Visit to a Small Planet because I haven’t seen it since 1961 and it’s considered a “rare title.” I found it on The Movie Bin and bought the rest from Amazon.com.

Incidentally, the average cost of these movies was about $3.50 and one was only 33¢, which means EVERYBODY ON EARTH can afford to own an impressive Jerry Lewis DVD library. Keep this in mind as we get closer to Hanukkah. Just imagine the expression on your relatives’ faces!

Time to make lunch for Sam. Come on over and join us if you’re hungry — it’ll be “forks up” at 11:30. Thank you for reading this.

Pass the matzo balls, y'all.

L’shana tovah — and happy 5772 — from your pals at the Howdygram! We may not be wearing stupid hats and dancing to Guy Lombardo, but we’re celebrating the new year with a nice pot of homemade chicken soup and a couple of Charlton Heston movies. Nothing says Rosh Hashana like Charlton Heston, the most inspiring faux-Jew EVER, who definitely knew how to turn an ordinary high holiday into a Cecil B. DeMille production.

I can’t sleep. I thought I was tired when I went to bed at 12:15 with Sam, but I woke up about 90 minutes later and still can’t figure out WHY. My bladder is empty, I’m not hungry, nothing hurts, I don’t especially want to watch TV, I’ve already done more than my share of online shopping and there aren’t any socks to fold. I suppose if I get desperate enough I can always eat cheese and watch a few “Millionaire Matchmaker” reruns; I wonder if Bravo knows this is the best sedative on earth.

Thank you for reading this.

Sam jumps into the shallow end of the jury pool.

Big news from Howdygramland — Sam has JURY DUTY tomorrow! He’s supposed to report to the courthouse in downtown Dallas (see actual photo below) first thing in the morning and leave his shotgun and spurs at home. He won’t know until after lunch if he has to stay around to watch any hangings. (I might be joking about part of this.)

After a hectic day of Internet shopping I’ve decided to unwind at the keyboard and write a post, mostly because I didn’t write one yesterday — an oversight for which I apologize profusely.

Today’s shopping extravaganza, in case you’re interested, included a melamine serving tray, Mach 3 razor refills for Sam and six cans of Folger’s Hazelnut coffee from Amazon.com, Crystal Light drink mixes, Efferdent and paper towels from Wal-Mart.com, plus eight cartons of discount Clif Bars, a new Garmin Nuvi 1300 GPS system, really nice black pants and a set of white silicone drink coasters from various other websites.

I know I’ve said this before, but you really need to check out Amazon’s subscribe & save program. They’ve got HUNDREDS of products that qualify for automatic shipment — everything from breakfast cereal to toothpaste to pet food — and the prices are terrific. There’s also no tax or shipping. I signed us up today for six cans of coffee every four months and a 15-count package of Mach 3 cartridges quarterly. I don’t think there’s ANYTHING better than this! (Not really.)

I’m planning to spend the rest of the day immersed in laundry and pantry reorganization — two worthwhile and ultimately rewarding projects for which you should offer to help if the spirit moves you. Please send an email if you’re interested. Bring a bowl of fruit, and thank you for reading this.

I want my new furniture.

I figured out tonight that we can track the progress of our new family room furniture on Haverty’s website so I just signed on to see where we stand. Apparently we don’t really stand ANYWHERE yet because the current status of our order says “waiting on product.” Sam’s leather armchair and ottoman are in stock but our sectional is still being manufactured. I’m hoping everything will take less time than Haverty’s original estimate (five to seven weeks) because I have zero patience for crap like this and want everything NOW. Seriously.

I think I mentioned in yesterday’s post that Sam had to carry a pager for work this weekend. The silly thing was nice and quiet until about an hour ago. We were sprawled out in the family room watching Ben Hur and about five minutes after Charlton Heston started rowing in a Roman galley Sam had to get dressed and drive downtown to the office. He thinks he’ll be home by midnight but I don’t believe him. He needs to deal with two big projects so I’ll bet it takes way longer than that.

I guess I’ll hang out here for a while. I paused Ben Hur to give Charlton a much-needed break.

Here’s some happy news. My niece Allison and her husband Greg (they live in Chicago) are expecting their first baby in January, and since there’s a shower coming up in a couple of weeks I decided to check out their online gift registry. Just between us, I don’t know where they’re planning to stash the mountain of stuff they’re asking for because they live in a small one-bedroom condo that Allison bought before they were married and the two of them are already out of closet space. Their gift list includes every Fisher-Price toy on the market plus bouncy swings, exercise jungle gyms, musical mobiles, humidifiers, strollers, car seats, nursery lamps, changing tables, a Sophie the Giraffe teething ring, FAO Schwarz baby animal finger puppets and a Koala Baby laundry hamper. Plus industrial-size crates of disposable diapers and other essentials like a few million baby bottles, onesies, blankets, burp cloths and nipple cream for mommy.

I refuse to send anybody a gift-wrapped jar of nipple cream. Ever. The finger puppets, however, are so damn cute I might need a set for ME.

I miss Sam. Thank you for reading this.

What was I thinking.

I’m not sure how I let this slip past me but apparently I completely forgot to review a couple of new Schwan’s products that I tried this month. I suppose I didn’t have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to take care of this, but what the hell — as long as I’m already here it shouldn’t be a total waste of time.

I wanted to like Schwan’s Crispy Chicken Strips but I just couldn’t do it. They’re basically a bunch of scary chicken tenders with rubbery tendons and breading that tastes like wallpaper paste. I use the term “scary” because the tasteless breading appears to contain a lot of pepper and now I’m stuck trying to figure out WHAT ELSE all those little black flecks could be.

The Mini Bow-Tie Pasta and Vegetable Blend was way more successful. Everybody loves peas, corn and carrots, and with all that teeny pasta thrown in you almost have a complete and nutritious meal-in-a-bag except there’s no protein or discernible flavor. Personally, I just use a pile of butter-flavor spray and a dash of seasoned salt.

And now, on to other subjects.

It’s Saturday at last. Sam is “on call” and carrying a pager for work all weekend but hopefully we’ll be able to escape and do something fun, like go to Pei Wei for lunch. I’m craving their hot and sour soup (see below) and have to find a way to drop a couple of hints. Please send me an email as soon as possible if you have any bright ideas.

Thank you for reading this. I want to go back to bed now.