My uterus fell out in 1990. No regrets.

In this post: Mothers, gridlock, movies.

It’s 7:15 Sunday morning and Sam is still asleep, so I’d like to take a minute to wish y’all a very Happy Mother’s Day if you’re a mother. If you’re NOT please scroll down to the next section at your earliest possible convenience. (Incidentally, I am not a mother and never wanted to be. My uterus fell out in 1990. No regrets.)

I wonder if rich people own chain saws.

In this post: Rainfall totals, William Holden.

I have some absolutely swell news to report from Howdygram headquarters, drought-wise. The storm system that plowed through the Dallas area on Thursday deposited 5.11 inches of rain and the level of Lake Ray Hubbard Reservoir rose by 8 inches. THAT’S REALLY HUGE, PEOPLE. Apparently they’re expecting the reservoir to rise even more with the runoff from area creeks and tributaries, which are all above flood stage right now … especially Duck Creek, which is practically right around the corner and runs through Mesquite and Garland. I’M SO DAMN HAPPY I COULD SLAP AN ARMADILLO! For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Duck Creek; C) Lake Ray Hubbard Reservoir; and D) our favorite Denny’s at I-30 and Belt Line. We like their Senior Scrambled Eggs.

Meet Kory Watkins, the ultimate Texas dipshit.

In this post: Fun food, a Texas dipshit, naps.

Know what? Sam did a Costco shlep this morning, which means: 1) great big packages of our favorite teeny tacos and breakfast burritos; 2) a tub of squishy mozzarella balls floating in tasty oily crap with green things (I think the technical name for this is “marinade”); 3) really, really good chicken tamales in GENUINE CORN HUSKS; 4) raspberries; and 5) Brownie Brittle. Forgive me if I sound hysterical but I love this crap. I really do. Sam also had instructions to stop at our neighborhood Wal-Mart for a trunk full of emergency Coke Zeros (I ran out yesterday and had a brain hemorrhage) and four jars of teeny whole mushrooms in salt-flavored preservatives because CRAVINGS.

Weather.com is a useless sack of poo.

In this post: Twisters, rants.

I’ve decided to report today’s activities with an easy-to-follow timeline because there’s so much going on around here I almost don’t know where to start. Thank you.

I injected a pint of insulin for dinner and ordered a pizza. It was worth it.

In this post: Sirens, weather, toilet paper, Russians.

In case you’re been wondering what’s been going on around here I’ll provide a thorough Wednesday retrospective from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters.

What does a retiree wear to an aneurysm screening? I might need a new outfit.

In this post: The tamale cure, depressing invitations.

Sometimes it sucks to be me. Yesterday, for the first time ever, the pain in my right hand was so intense I COULDN’T TYPE A HOWDYGRAM POST. Since today isn’t really much better, either, I’ve decided just to eat a can of Hormel tamales — a trusted, medically-approved remedy for diabetic peripheral neuropathy — and press on. For the record, my fingers won’t bend and my hand stings like all the bones are broken. Imagine catching a speeding baseball bare-handed. I think you get my drift.

Don’t forget to turn out the light when you’re done here, okay?

In this post: Egg rolls, Robert Wagner.

It’s 1:45 Tuesday morning. Sam won’t be home from work until maybe 5 a.m. so I thought I’d try to squeeze in one more quick Howdygram post before I go to bed. We’ll see how long I last. I didn’t get much of a nap yesterday so I’m mighty tired right now. Try not to make any unnecessary noise.

Welcome to another chapter of Sam & Marcy’s Adventures in Inadequate Remodeling.

In this post: Another leak, another Putz.

Hey, boys and girls. Believe it or not, Clayton and his crew were back again today in their never-ending quest to repair the shower leak in our master bathroom ... THEIR SEVENTH ATTEMPT IN THREE WEEKS. Each time they show up we can’t use the shower for at least 48 hours afterwards due to wet caulk, grout and paint, and today they’re actually leaving us with a high-velocity fan turned on full-blast so everything dries as fast as possible because Sam and I are ready to start strangling people. In case you’re interested, Friday’s all-day repair went south last night when we turned on the shower and wound up with a substantial puddle on the bathroom floor and a crack in the brand new drywall. Please stay tuned for the next chapter of Sam & Marcy’s Adventures in Inadequate Remodeling. Thank you for your support.

Has anybody tried Amazon’s cool new Prime Pantry service?

In this post: Blizzards, Prime Pantry, jigsaw puzzles.

It’s a really hot spring day today in north Texas … 93° with lots of bright sunshine and gusty winds. I’m comfortably situated in the study horsing around with the Howdygram and Sam is working his way through the the Dairy Queen drive-thru buying an “extremely chocolate Blizzard” (his words exactly). I didn’t go with him because DIABETES. Also there was zero motivation to wear shoes and a brassiere.

We really don’t give a crap about Kentucky, derbies, horses, races, roses or yahoos in hats.

In this post: Derby day, Tyson’s lied, fast food news.

Here’s some late-breaking news from the Howdygram Sports Desk: CALIFORNIA CHROME WON THE KENTUCKY DERBY. Sam and I didn’t actually watch because: 1) after lunch we fell asleep in the family room with Another Thin Man (1939) starring William Powell, Myrna Loy and C. Aubrey Smith; and 2) we really don’t give a crap about Kentucky, derbies, horses, races, roses or yahoos in hats.

Maybe the next special committee will investigate dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark.

In this post: Benghazi.

It’s been my fondest wish for quite some to do an all-Benghazi post for the Howdygram, and this, my friends, is it!

In a statement yesterday Speaker of the House John Boehner called for yet another investigation into the Republican-promoted “travesty” of a 2012 attack on the U.S. diplomatic outpost in Libya. Boehner said: “Americans learned this week that the Obama administration is so intent on obstructing the truth about Benghazi that it is even willing to defy subpoenas issued by the standing committees of the people’s House. These revelations compel the House to take every possible action to ensure the American people have the truth about the terrorist attack on our consulate that killed four of our countrymen.”  

Grab a jar of Hellmann’s and celebrate Cinco de Mayo!

In this post: Mud pits, Cinco de Mayo.

Hey there, people. I’m waiting for Sam to get home from work and thought I’d share a short video of a really cute local NBC news doofus trying to cover a story about the drought in north Texas and how our local lakes have all turned into mud pits and boaters are having nervous breakdowns. He’s actually reporting from the lovely Lake Ray Hubbard Reservoir, which is about five minutes east of Howdygram headquarters. Unfortunately the video’s embed code isn’t working (I’ve been pasting and re-pasting the damn thing for 15 minutes) so just use the following link:

Texas is run by a financial terrorist who also happens to be really, really stupid.

In this post: Food delivery, palpatations, Governor Hairdo.

As I hang around waiting for my Friday evening delivery from Artizone.com — baloney with olives! homemade tamales! bean salad! sliced turkey! — I thought I’d overshare some crap from yesterday when I experienced two exciting new symptoms of autonomic neuropathy, which is defined as follows by the National Library of Medicine:

Autonomic neuropathy is a group of symptoms that occur from damage to the nerves that manage everyday body functions, such as blood pressure, heart rate, sweating, body temperature, bladder control and digestion. Autonomic neuropathy is most frequently caused by diabetes.

We still don’t know what’s responsible for The Dinty Moore Dumpling Incident.

In this post: The shower saga continues, flying dumplings, Jane Powell.

There are so many EARTH-SHAKING HOT SCOOPS today at Howdygram headquarters I almost don’t know where to start. Maybe the best approach would be to separate everything into neatly-typed, indented sections for your reading pleasure. I hope you’ll consider turning off your phone until you’re through here to avoid interruptions and distractions, okay? Thank you.

I want to hide in the family room with Myrna Loy movies and braunschweiger for the rest of my life.

In this post: Old Pencil Neck.

My final Howdygram post for the month of April will focus on three distinct and important topics: 1) another Putz of the Week; 2) I’m running the dishwasher; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. The first item appears below; items 2 and 3 should be self-explanatory. Thank you.

Schwan’s home delivery is frequently my only contact with the outside world.

In this post: William Powell, canned shrimp.

It’s Tuesday morning, 7 a.m., and I’ve been awake since 4:45 doing practically nothing except catching up on current events via assorted news websites. Also shopping. I just ordered a box of AA batteries plus the following DVDs from Amazon because they’re very old and very hard-to-find Philo Vance mysteries starring William Powell: The Greene Murder Case (1929) with Jean Arthur and Eugene Pallette and The Benson Murder Case (1930) with Natalie Moorhead and Hopalong Cassidy (William Boyd). Oh boy, people. I LOVE THIS STUFF!

The secret to a happy marriage is lunch meat.

In this post: Lunch meat, intolerance.

Sometimes life is fraught with disappointment. Last night while I was waiting for Sam to get home from work I desperately wanted a BLT except I didn’t have any L or T so I just ate B on low-carb toast with mayo.

Which brings me to my next point: THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE IS LUNCH MEAT. This morning Sam went shopping at Wal-Mart and brought home two packages of Oscar Mayer Pickle & Pimiento loaf just for me. This is a man who knows how to touch my heart, and it usually involves cheap processed meat.

Stupid crap from the mouths of Republicans.

In this post: Stupid crap from Republicans, easy egg salad, good movies.

I’ll begin my post tonight with more of the Howdygram’s intensely popular progressive political commentary. This time: STUPID CRAP FROM THE MOUTHS OF REPUBLICANS. Trust me, there’s enough material to fill a 24-volume encyclopedia but I’ve narrowed it down to a few of my favorites. Thank you, and here we go.

I got all dressed up with shoes and a brassiere.

In this post: A new low, musical memories, baloney with olives.

Sunday got away from me, people. Following a severe low blood sugar episode Friday night during which — how can I put this delicately? — I was minutes away from a HYPOGLYCEMIC COMA, I spent most of Saturday and all day Sunday indulging in copious amounts of sleep because that’s how a body responds to shitty diabetic experiences: WITH TOTAL EXHAUSTION. However we did have an opportunity to enjoy a couple of fine movies this weekend: Hans Christian Andersen (1952) starring Danny Kaye and The Muse (1999) starring Albert Brooks and Sharon Stone.

You can never own too many teeny bowls.

In this post: Household hints, a mascot makeover, nuts for Mom.

There’s not much to report from Howdygram headquarters this evening. Our severe overnight weather forecast has fizzled to drizzle, Sam is soundly asleep in the family room watching Gunga Din (1939) starring Cary Grant, Victor McLaglen and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., as British soldiers romping through colonial India, and I’m here to share the usual assortment of entertaining tidbits, hot tips and clever crap. Let’s begin, shall we?

Vote for this douchebag or he’ll maybe shoot his cannon at the White House.

In this post: Artisans, douchebags on parade.

It’s a pleasant but slightly clammy Friday afternoon here in north Texas as I wait for my first-ever grocery delivery from the grocery delivery people at Artizone.com. In case you missed my post from a week ago, Artizone is like a fancy farmers market with home delivery and I discovered them online by accident. A happy accident. My first order will be here between 6 and 8 p.m. and includes a pound of hard salami, a pound of baloney with sliced-up olives in it, two pounds of mixed bean salad in cilantro dressing and a bag of Brussels sprouts. I’m hungry and I’m hyperventilating! Pictured below for your possible interest are a few of Artizone’s assorted artisans, all located here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. (I’d be willing to bet money that Big Al owns a pickup and a shotgun.)

Glorioski, I love my life.

In this post: Texas rocks, John Wayne stinks.

While I hang around waiting for Sam to wake up I just read an article on CNN Money about cities where home prices are hitting new highs. Although home values in most markets nationwide are still down about 13% from their pre-recession peaks, housing in seven major cities has recovered — and then some, according to Zillow. And, of the seven cities on the list, FOUR ARE RIGHT HERE IN THE LONE STAR STATE: Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and Austin. Holy crap, y’all!

Order from Wal-Mart. It’s always nice to have new things.

In this post: Retirement, real mayonnaise, grill marks.

Oy, people, I finally did it. A couple of hours ago I emailed my website clients to announce that I’m discontinuing all remaining aspects of my business by the end of this year and they should hire designers immediately to build new websites for them. This is a big fat “HOLY CRAP” moment for me. Finally ... no more needy pests! No more baloney! No more chasing deadbeats for money! 

Killing time with a low-carb Grape Nuts knockoff.

In this post: Elbow surgery, fake Grape Nuts.

A couple of really important remarks. First, in my last post I lied about watching tonight’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn” because I just found out there’s no episode of “Hardcore Pawn” on TV tonight. I don’t understand why not, but it is what it is. What the hell.

To my 12 remaining clients: it’s time to move on and leave me alone.

In this post: Dumping clients, pickles & biscuits, a shitty movie.

Here’s some big news from the world of Marcy’s Retirement! About an hour ago I started composing an email announcement to my 12 remaining clients that I’m closing down what’s left of my website design business by the end of this year so it’s time for them to move on and leave me alone. Why now? Because I received an email this afternoon from a client in South Carolina (he owns a custom bakery) who wants to expand his website with six new pages, four million cupcake pictures and an online ordering system. After I said hell no, fat chance, take your business somewhere else, it occurred to me this was an absolutely perfect opportunity to let all of my clients know what I plan to do. Last June I stopped accepting credit cards and all new business; now I’m finally ready to end everything else. I’m so excited I might have a brain hemorrhage. With apologies to Martin Luther King, FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I’M FREE AT LAST! (You get my drift.)

Happy Earth Day. We’re killing ourselves.

In this post: Earth Day, a contemptible Putz.

I’ll begin this morning with a big fat HAPPY EARTH DAY to Howdygram readers all over the planet. Even though I’ve never been a rabid “tree-hugger,” during the last few years it’s become perilously apparent that we’re killing ourselves with poisoned oceans, lousy air, melting polar ice, rising sea levels and extreme climate change. I’m actually relieved to be 62 years old because I know I won’t be around when we run out of fresh water and oxygen.