Note to Senator Cruz: Good luck with that, you delusional snot-head.

In this post: Kvetch report, Senator Turd Cruz wins big.

It’s 5:15 a.m. and I’m on “dawn patrol” again today. I can’t be 100% sure, but I think the excruciating pain in my hands, knees and ankles woke me up! It’s actually so bad I almost couldn’t make it to the bathroom — a tragedy if there ever was one — and had to use BOTH HANDS on my cane to drag myself down the hall. I’m totally wide awake now after all that shlepping and moaning so you’ll probably be stuck with me for a while. Holy crap.

I tried to take a picture of my thumb lump but I can’t operate the camera with my crippled left hand.

In this post: Kvetch report, free food.

When you have arthritis like moi a forecast of rain is a forecast of PAIN. And right now I’ve got pain in spades. My joints are so stiff tonight I almost can’t move at all. A hot shower hasn’t helped and neither has vanilla soy milk with sugar-free sweet pickles — my number one favorite “go-to” snack when I’m feeling crabby or miserable. Even my hands hurt today. The fingers on my left hand all feel like they’re broken and I’ve got a huge lump on my right thumb that actually BURNS. I tried to take a picture of it for you but I can’t operate the camera with my crippled left hand. This sucks.

I’m told the local cattle are drinking beer now.

In this post: A video disclaimer, assorted Friday activities.

I was annoyed today when I realized the YouTube video in my last post was deleted by its producers, because now y’all have been deprived of Jon Stewart’s monologue from “The Daily Show” on Thursday night. Please accept my apology, but this kind of heartbreaking horsepoop is beyond our control. Thank you.

So here’s what’s happening at Howdygram headquarters today!

HYPOGLYCEMIA. It was still dark outside when I woke up this morning at 6 with a low blood sugar episode so I migrated into the family room to gnaw on a couple of Slim Jims and watch Enter Laughing (1967) starring José Ferrer, Shelley Winters and Elaine May.

Fred Astaire and Beanit Butter are bedtime favorites.

In this post: Hilarious menu parodies, Jon Stewart nails it.

On “The Daily Show” last night Jon Stewart lampooned the 26 states — all with Republican governors or legislatures — that have refused free Federal dollars to expand their Medicaid programs and provide health care coverage to millions of America’s working poor. Here’s a YouTube video of his monologue. (I love this guy. I’m serious.)

Sam is coming home on Sunday.

In this post: Blog bugs, Sam in Los Angeles, pondering dinner.

Good evening, Howdygramsters! It seems there are more “issues” today with the posting and editing software on Blogspot because my email is filling up with copies of complaints and general hysteria from other users (see earlier post). It seems that nobody can create a new Text gadget (what we use to add content to the sidebar) or edit an existing Text gadget, which is true, for the most part, except that I’ve discovered a cool workaround. Instead of using the Text gadget to add content I use the HTML/Javascript gadget, which is functioning nicely and gives you the exact same published result when you save it to the sidebar. So just for fun every now and then I reply to one of those whiny user emails with my brilliant HTML/Javascript option and everybody has a brain hemorrhage. It’s a good day.

I can’t believe Michelle Duggar still has fallopian tubes.

In this post: Retirement, overpopulation, assorted crapola.

I have nothing to do. Seriously. NOTHING. It’s midnight and I’ve already taken a nice shower, eaten more than enough food, written several decent Howdygram posts, called Sam in California to say goodnight, refilled my seven-day pill sorter, injected a bunch of insulin and unmade the bed. I guess I’ll just sit here and annoy you until I can’t keep my eyes open any more. Please let me know when enough is enough, okay? A simple email will suffice.

Yup. A secret race of lizard people runs the world.

In this post: Crackpots, conspiracies, teeny egg rolls.

On Monday I posted about the “Truckers Ride for the Constitution” protest/rally/convoy heading to Washington, D.C., this week to be stupid, block traffic and arrest several Congressmen and President Obama for treason. Yesterday the group’s organizer, Earl Conlon, admitted it was all bullshit from the start and just a hoax to irritate the “mainstream media.” However rival organizer and former country singer Zeeda “Einstein” Andrews has claimed exactly the opposite and promises the protest is moving forward as originally planned. Andrews was interviewed this morning by Louisiana radio station WAFB, where she revealed that Truckers Ride for the Constitution has “warring factions” like the Hatfields and McCoys and says that Earl Conlon is a phony, a jackass and a pretender. “Earl has never been authorized as a spokesperson,” Andrews told WAFB. “As a matter of fact, he’s not even riding in the convoy.” It seems that Zeeda Andrews is a roadkill stew of right-wing hysteria, Islamophobia and crackpot conspiracy theories.

Refreshed, alert and ready for action after four stinking hours of sleep.

In this post: Kvetch report, food groups, double whammies.

4:45 A.M. Hi, everybody. In case you’re trying to figure out why I’m awake in the middle of the night I’ve got another major outbreak of very crappy neuropathy pain in my hands and feet, plus — if that’s not enough, right? — I also scratched up the inside of my left arm something awful and don’t know when or how it happened. I look like I’ve been clawed by a cat and it STINGS. And I have a headache, dry skin and a hangnail. Other than that I’m just swell at this hour so I think I’ll sit here for a while and eat TicTacs. (They’re my second-favorite food group after Slim Jims.)

A girl can never have too many blood glucose test strips. Ask anybody.

In this post: The fossil speaks, cheapo diabetes supplies.

The question of the century is, why is Pat Robertson still on TV? Nobody believes what this drooling old fossil has to say about anything, including his own “followers.” From an article on The Raw Story, during a televised prayer segment last night on the Christian Broadcasting Network a viewer wanted to know why Robertson and his co-host never ask God to replace lost limbs. “Is it because you believe He can’t regrow limbs?” asked the viewer. “Can’t God do anything?”

I don’t know if Sam would eat mozzarella sticks from a pet dish even if we had his name painted on the side.

In this post: Bowls wanted, ducking the handyman.

I broke one of my favorite bowls a few minutes ago when it jumped off the kitchen counter and fell to its death. I only had four of these from the get-go; now I’ve got three. These are special bowls: plastic, dark brown, shallow and actually shaped more like nine-inch diameter plates with gently sloped sides. I will include a photo here for your possible interest. I originally bought them at Wal-Mart six years ago for 99¢ each.

These are our favorite bowls for eating mozzarella sticks and I know I’m going to miss that fourth one something awful. I’ve been trying to find more online for years but nothing ever comes close. Amazon sells a similar shape described as a “pasta bowl,” except they’re porcelain with fat little Italian chefs on them and I’m not interested in fat little Italian chefs. (Or porcelain.) To tell you the truth, a pet dish would be really perfect but I’d have to keep this secret from Sam because I don’t know if he’d eat mozzarella sticks from a pet dish even if we had his name painted on the side.

The best napping movies God ever created.

In this post: Blog bloopers, nap movies.

Because I subscribe to various discussion threads on Google’s Blogger help forum I’ve been receiving copies of frantic user emails for the last few hours complaining about a variety of blog software “bugs.” For instance:

The text editor is adding unwanted blank lines ALL OVER MY BLOG!

I clicked on Rich Text, added a line of text, pressed Save and then went to Preview. When I re-edit the text the two edit options appear for a few seconds and then the Edit HTML option disappears! This is as close as I can get to FLAMING! Do not use the text editor! I am using IE10, the latest version. There is no excuse for this.

There is now an issue with trying to add a link in Configure Link List. It’s not doing ANYTHING. Updating this list is imperative for me! My boss will not understand! When will this be corrected!?

Day seven and I still can’t Save when I edit the text gadget although today I was able to paste into the Edit HTML window and Save by clicking Enter in the title box. Please fix this, Google! I have been waiting!

Let me add that I don’t know what these people are talking about. My blog is working just fine, evidenced by the fact that I just posted this. Thank you.

I wish I had something to drink. I’m asking for volunteers.

In this post: Fatigue, a call for volunteers, spruce up your choppers.

I just finished up my late-night Face Time with Sam (he’s still in Los Angeles visiting his mom) and thought I’d attempt to squeeze in one more quick Howdygram post before I go to bed. I’m tired but I don’t know why because I haven’t done anything else today except sleep, eat braunschweiger and type things. It’s hell getting old. Trust me on this.

Constitution-loving truckers are descending on Washington. Holy crap.

In this post: Constitutional truckers, braunschweiger.

God bless idiot zealots. They sure know how to have a good time! Just when you thought the festivities in Washington couldn’t be more exciting, let’s pause to consider a Friday rally that’s planned inside the beltway called “Truckers Ride for the Constitution,” where a cavalcade of semi trailers led by Georgia trucker Earl Conlon, pictured at left, and a former country singer named Zeeda Andrews will converge on the Capitol to arrest legislators and put them in handcuffs. And not just any legislators, mind you … they’re specifically targeting Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein and President Obama for “funding al-Quaeda” and “committing treason against the Constitution.” (They’re also really pissed about the cost of deisel and a variety of other “trucker frustrations,” most of which wouldn’t be an issue at all if they’d join the Teamsters rather than drive for small-time anti-union operators who screw them out of wages, benefits and pension. I’m just saying.)

I was cold enough this morning to consider socks.

In this post: Frosty toilets, I really HATE Republicans.

It’s Monday morning. I’ve been up since 6 for no reason whatsoever, although presently I’m a little bit hungry, rather cold and definitely sleepy … all excellent reasons to eat, turn on the heat and go back to bed as soon as possible. And I’d do it, too, if I wasn’t so damn pissed off about the Republican extortionists in Congress and their government shutdown grandstanding! I’m especially irritated today by John Boehner’s claim that “the White House refuses to negotiate.” Negotiate what, exactly? The Republicans haven’t offered any basis for negotiation … JUST A LIST OF DEMANDS. Holy crap, I hate these people!

I need a lot of cake today. And a lot of old movies. And tacos with hot sauce. (And Sam. I absolutely need Sam.)

We’re actually watching a political minority attempt to overthrow the United States government.

In this post: Accidental dessert, more GOP bullshit. 

It occurs to me that I write a lot more Howdygram posts when Sam is out of town because I don’t have to waste time interacting with another human being. I can just sit at my desk between meals and let the horseshit soar into cyberspace! Is this fun, or what?

Mazel tov to me, everybody ... I turned lemons into lemonade tonight! Or in my case, a pound cake failure into “molten lava.” Today’s collapsed chocolate pound cake (see previous post) wasn’t quite as mooshy as last week’s and actually became a surprisingly yummy accidental dessert resembling that intensely popular molten lava hoo-hah you get in restaurants. I even smooshed some low-carb pineapple preserves on top and thoroughly enjoyed every decadent, sugar-free bite. I’d be happy to share the recipe except I have no idea whatsoever how I continue screwing it up. What the hell.

Yes, dear friends, there are pound cake emergencies.

In this post: DVD disaster, sunken cakes, Real Housewives.

There’s some aggravating crap going on today at Howdygram headquarters so grab yourself a braunschweiger sandwich and get comfortable.

AGGRAVATING CRAP #1. It was my big Sunday afternoon plan to watch a Hildegarde Withers murdery mystery triple-feature — The Penguin Pool Murder, Murder on the Blackboard and Murder on a Honeymoon starring Edna May Oliver and James Gleason — all from the big Hildegarde Withers movie collection I ordered last week from Amazon (see post). Sadly, about 30 minutes into the first movie on disc one THE DVD HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. The error message said “unreadable” so I had to eject the disc. (Incidentally, the swell and helpful customer service people at Amazon are replacing my DVD collection and I’ve already got my free UPS return label. I love these guys. You should be shopping there.)

I think we should all charter a bus and haul ass to Washington.

In this post: Congress (again), baking things, missing Sam.

Good morning, people. It’s a bright and sunny Sunday in north Texas! Before I do anything else, however, I’d like to encourage you to sign another petition — what a surprise, right? — asking Speaker of the House John Boehner to end the government shutdown and give up on that stupid orange spray tan. This one’s sponsored by Senator Claire McCaskill (Democrat from Missouri), pictured at right, and a long list of her well-dressed Democratic colleagues.

Why would anybody vote for a person who constantly looks like he’s taking a dump?

In this post: Sam in Los Angeles, Turd Cruz of Texas, it’s movie night.

Sam is in Los Angeles tonight, bunking next to his mother on a foldout cot at Kaiser Hospital in Panorama City, where mom is being treated for congestive heart failure. Apparently Kaiser is the hot-spot of southern California and Sam says there’s a rope line with bouncers if you expect to eat dinner in the hospital cafeteria. (I might be kidding about the rope line.)

It’s day five of The Great American Shutdown, and the GOP wants us to know that President Obama needs to recognize two things: 1) people elected Ted Cruz to the Senate in 2012; and 2) the Affordable Care Act must repealed. Pardon me for a minute while I puke.

Hang in there, Aunt Adie. I’m hoping we’ll both get used to this.

In this post: Exhaustion, National Taco Day, the reason behind our new format.

So here’s what’s what at Howdygram headquarters on a drizzly, semi-crappy Saturday afternoon. I will elaborate as necessary, in case you’re interested.

1. I slept very badly last night due to diabetic neuropathy pain in my feet. I went to bed at 2 a.m. but didn’t fall asleep until 3:45.
2. Sam got home from work at 4:15, woke me up to say hello and then got three hours of sleep before I drove him to the airport at 8:45 for a flight to Los Angeles.
3. As a result of items 1 and 2 we’re both so damn exhausted we can’t see straight.
4. The United States government is still on lockdown.
5. I need a Tex-Mex fix in honor of National Taco Day. (Technically I’m one day late but please don’t tell anybody.)

God bless fake flying saucers and radioactive aliens.

In this post: Lousy hours, hating Congress, yay for Schwan’s.

Hey, people ... I’ve added another new feature to my blog tonight! Because you won’t be able to see what’s included in each post until you click the “Read more” link at the bottom, I’ve decided to add an “In this post” teaser just below the headline. You know, to entice you to keep reading and not drift off into a sordid chat room somewhere. Welcome to the new and improved Howdygram. We love us, and we hope you do, too.

Gain a new appreciation for Africa, courtesy of the Howdygram.

In this post: Crusty cod, appreciating Africa, tonight’s dinner.

It occurs to me that I totally forgot to post the following photo when our most recent Name the Celebrity contest ended on October 2. Therefore, here’s the mystery celebrity that nobody guessed. (Nobody guessed our last one, either. Try a little harder, people.)

Visions of Hunan shrimp, chocolate marshmallow pumpkins and Bill Clinton.

In this post: Food fantasies, Howdygram format change, weather report.

It’s 9:45 in the morning and I’m hungry. This really doesn’t surprise me, however, because I was hungry when I went to bed last night, too. Around 1 a.m. I started fantasizing about all the fabulous food I wanted to eat as soon as possible, including egg rolls, cheesecake, mozzarella sticks, salmon patties, Hunan shrimp (extra spicy with no baby corn) from China City, pot roast, chicken salad with diced-up celery, mashed potatoes and Russell Stover chocolate marshmallow pumpkins. Then I fell asleep and had a dream about Bill Clinton. (Don’t ask.)

There’s nothing quite like baby animals to get your mind off the shitstorm in Congress.

In this post: Hanukkah, hating Congress, staying up late.

It was my intention to start this post a few hours ago but I eventually got caught up folding a mountain of laundry for Sam’s trip to California, after which I designed a couple of birthday cards, ordered myself a cute new robe — as a retired person I consider these “work clothes” now — and watched today’s episode of “People’s Court” with dinner on my lap. This was

Howdygram headquarters is a tidy suburban oasis that’s the envy of every Bubba in Texas.

In this post: Familiar tourists, Add-a-Sam, skip the corn dogs.

Our landscapers are here. They’re mowing, whacking and edging Howdygram headquarters into a tidy suburban oasis that’s the envy of every Bubba in Texas. Okay, fine, I might be exaggerating a little, but our lawn definitely looks ABSOLUTELY SWELL this afternoon. God bless the friendly dudes at Just Lawns.

Thank God I’ve always got green olives and chocolate soy milk on hand for emergencies.

In this post: Celebrating incontinence, shopping Schwan’s.

I have to admit, it’s an unexpected surprise to be conscious right now. After only two hours of sleep last night — no, that’s not a typo — I’ve had a strange and incoherent day, drifting between interconnected naps and a small, forgettable quantity of nourishment sometime around 11:15 a.m. I think it was half a cup of egg salad and part of a low-carb biscuit leftover from Sunday, but maybe I just imagined it. I know my blood sugar is only 57 right now, though, which means whatever I ate for lunch wasn’t nearly enough. Thank God I’ve always got green olives and chocolate soy milk on hand for emergencies.

Wanted: A haircut, wintergreen TicTacs and a winning lottery ticket so Sam can stop working.

In this post: Kvetch report, hating Congress, new faces.

Once again I am awake in the middle of the night with burning hot hands and feet — plus stabbing pain and spazzy “electric” shocks — due to peripheral neuropathy. I’ve been back to bed three times since 1 a.m. and finally wound up on the chaise in the family room because sometimes the weight of an ordinary bedsheet is just too much for me. Unfortunately, tonight even the chaise didn’t work out. I’m exhausted, annoyed and miserable. Damn it, people ... I need sleep but I can’t get comfortable!