I enjoy nausea and exotic turds as much as the next guy, but this is insane.

First, don’t miss this exciting, limited-time offer! Howdygramsters … let me know if you want to try a free sample of Wal-Mart’s excellent store-brand Great Value toilet paper and I’ll send you a nice, unused piece to enjoy in the privacy of your own home!

Great Value is the best toilet paper EVER, people. It’s half the price of name brands, stronger, softer, TWO-PLY, and only $6.47 for a dozen big rolls. However, according to online reviews it’s usually hard to find in Wal-Mart’s retail stores because it sells out really fast so you should probably just think about ordering it online like I do. And you’ll even get FREE SHIPPING if you spend $45 or more, which is easy to do if you throw in some Ziploc bags, a couple cans of coffee, socks, Velveeta and a big tub of Tide Pods. (I love Tide Pods.)

And now for the latest from Club Meds, my never-ending struggle with prescription medications and their killer side effects. A couple of days ago I posted about Trilipix, a cholesterol medication that Dr. M prescribed after my checkup a couple of weeks ago. I found so many negative patient reviews online — thank God — that I wouldn’t even let Sam pick it up from the pharmacy. So what’s next? This morning I find out that Dr. M wants me to take Cholestyramine instead, a cholesterol medication with none of the same side effects as Trilipix or the statin drugs. (Statins tried to murder me.) So Sam stopped at CVS today and picked up my Cholestyramine prescription.

Unfortunately, here’s the thing. Cholestyramine is a DISGUSTING POWDER, like from the 19th century. Not a pill, not a capsule: A POWDER. It’s orange-flavored and comes in little individual-dose packets that are loaded with sugar. SUGAR! You’re supposed to stir this horseshit into juice or applesauce twice a day to try and disguise the texture and flavor, but the big snag is that I’m DIABETIC and I don’t — actually, can’t — consume juice or applesauce because it’s loaded with carbs. Holy mother of crap.

But wait ... there’s more! I did some research online this afternoon and apparently Cholestyramine is most commonly prescribed for uncontrollable diarrhea, NOT high cholesterol. The most common side effects include constipation, gas, bloating, black tarry stools, abdominal pain and vomiting.

Look, I enjoy nausea and exotic turds as much as the next guy, but THIS IS INSANE.

So I guess I’m back at square one again. I refuse to take Cholestyramine just like I refused to take Trilipix, Pravastatin, Atorvastatin and Lopid. The point is, if you don’t advocate for yourself, nobody will. I sincerely hope Dr. M isn’t getting sick of me because I’m still extremely fond of her.

I’ve got a lot more fascinating material waiting in the wings — including a double-whammy Putz of the Week award — but I think I’ll publish this post for now and start another one after dinner because all of a sudden I’m really hungry. Thank you.