Colonel Sanders always scared the crap out of me. Now I know why.

I just received a crate of incredible crapola from Netrition.com, including a variety of exciting LOW-CARB DESSERT MIXES that includes low-carb chocolate fudge brownies, low-carb triple chocolate torte and low-carb key lime pie with its own handy-dandy graham cracker crust! Even better, the torte and key lime thingies require no baking whatosever, making them perfect for a hot summer day in Texas when the temperature is 106°. Such as today, for instance.

Incidentally, if you’re wondering how low these low-carb desserts really are, the torte and key lime pie have only two net carbs per serving and the brownies have four, which means, technically, I can park myself in front of the TV with a serving spoon and a quart of milk and eat the WHOLE DAMN PAN without raising my blood sugar. I think I’m having palpatations, people!

Before I forget ... I thought y’all might enjoy this psycho Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial from the mid-1960s. Colonel Sanders always scared the crap out of me. Now I know why.

Here’s some breaking news from our Annoying People I’d Like To Beat Up Severely With My Cane department. Most of you know I’m retiring this year and closing down my web design business. To speed it along I decided back in mid-June to discontinue my merchant account and stop accepting credit cards (see previous post) in an effort to save some money and piss off my remaining clients. Sadly, the customer service Einsteins at First National Processing (FNP) ignored the signed Close My Account form they received from me on June 18 and initiated $69.95 in bogus fees for the month of July, as pictured below. They even tried to collect the funds from my bank, twice, but fortunately Chase rejected both attempts because I closed my business checking account several weeks ago, too.

I called FNP today as soon as I saw this statement. They promised to fix the mess, but I have no confidence in these bozos whatsoever and guaranteed they would hear from me again if and when Chase charges me any penalties. Holy crap.

Some sad news to report. Gus Allegretti, the voice of all the popular sidekicks on “Captain Kangaroo,” died this week. Allegretti was the voice of the critters shown below, pictured with the Captain from left: Dancing Bear, Bunny Rabbit, Grandfather Clock and Mister Moose. Mister Green Jeans, pictured on the right, was not a critter. He was just an ordinary idiot.

“Captain Kangaroo” aired from 1955 (my era) until the mid-1980s. I was never a huge fan of dopey horseshit except for the Tom Terrific cartoons featuring Mighty Manfred the Wonder Dog and Tom’s arch-enemy Crabby Appleton, rotten to the core.

I think I’ll eat some dinner now and enjoy tonight’s episode of “Project Runway.” My feast will include a couple of cheeseburgers with no buns, six green olives, a hunk of homemade low-carb bread (nicely toasted) and sugar-free lemonade. I’d invite you to join me but I’m seriously hungry and there’s no time to screw around with company. Thank you for understanding.