Neanderthals are alive and well in the Lone Star State.

What a day I’ve had! In addition to completing most of the activities outlined in my previous post — filling my new canisters and making tacos for lunch — I also found time to: 1) watch four hours of the inaugural parade and accompanying CNN commentary while I finished rolling a couple hundred dollars’ worth of Sam’s loose pocket change; 2) eat dinner; 3) clean out the pantry; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Trust me, numbers 1 and 3 were monumental accomplishments. Especially number 3. The pantry is so damn gorgeous right now that I’ll bet Sam won’t recognize it when he gets home tonight. THIS IS THE PROUDEST MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE! (I might be exaggerating a little.)

For the record, my pillow sham activities have been rescheduled for tomorrow. A girl can only tackle so many projects in one day before her brain explodes.

My niece Allison sent some pictures tonight from my mom’s 90th birthday party in November. I thought I’d include a couple of them here because I think mom looks amazing. She’s in a nursing home and confined to a wheelchair, but she still gets her hair and nails done every week and wouldn’t think about leaving her room without lipstick. Holy crap.

I just read an article that Harvard geneticist George Church thinks it’s possible to reverse-engineer the Neanderthal genome and pass their long-extinct advantages to our own offspring. He says all that’s needed is an “extremely adventurous female human” to be a surrogate mother. When Church was asked by the German magazine Der Spiegel if a Neanderthal baby could be born in his lifetime, Church, who is 58, replied, “That depends on a hell of a lot of things, but I think so.”

Somebody should introduce Church to Rick Perry, pictured above in full dress makeup for another anti-abortion speech to the Texas legislature. Neanderthals already lead productive lives here in the Lone Star State!

I’m too pooped to write a complex post so I’ll simply close with a photo from President Obama’s inauguration earlier today along with a big fat MAZEL TOV to our cute first family from Howdygram headquarters.

Thank you for reading this.

On tap today: pillow-jamming and big fat canisters.

Hey. Its Monday. Another week full of promise, Loretta Young movies and unseasonably pleasant January weather!

Three projects are on tap today at Howdygram headquarters. Project number one, finish filling my new glass kitchen canisters (see below) and shoot a couple of photos for a follow-up post. Project number two, I’m making tacos for lunch. Project number three, try to jam my overstuffed king-size pillows back into the shams that match my ivory quilt. After that I’ll be ready for a nap.

In case you’re interested, and I honestly can’t imagine why you would be, I bought four of these really huge air-tight things from Anchor Hocking’s website, ranging in size from 48 ounces to 1½ gallons. They will hold: 1) several pounds of CarbQuik flour; 2) a lot of granulated Splenda; 3) brown sugar for Sam’s oatmeal; and 4) my favorite dehydrated vegetable mix for Five Minute Stupid Soup, thereby reducing my actual prep time by at least 60 seconds. If I decide to dwell on this I’ll probably have to adjust the name of my recipe. Holy crap. Life sure gets complicated, doesn’t it?

Thank you for reading this.

Coca-Cola. Still only 140 calories.

Please, people. Next time I announce I want a new comforter for our bed I hope somebody whacks me in the head with a concrete pillow sham. I’M SICK TO DEATH OF THESE STUPID THINGS for the following reasons: 1) they’re too heavy; 2) I can’t sleep; 3) they make me sweat; and 4) they get wrinkled and look like crap. The comforter I ordered from Wal-Mart a couple of months ago (see image below) was gorgeous on their website and a pruny mess on our bed, and I don’t think I’ve had a decent night’s sleep since I bought the damn thing. Therefore about 15 minutes ago Sam and I yanked it off the bed and replaced it with our favorite un-wrinkled all-weather quilt!

In other news, Sam and I had a fun and memorable Sunday. The weather today was unusually balmy and spring-like for January, so after we picked up one of our vehicles from Pep Boys we drove to Café Greek for their excellent buffet lunch, where I watched Sam consume more food than he usually eats in a week. I’m talking about SEVEN PLATES, not including six pieces of galaktoboureko pastry for dessert. A slice of galaktoboureko agreed to pose for us this afternoon and appears below for your possible interest.

And now some news from our Who The Hell Are They Kidding department, where it seems that one of the world’s most successful and iconic companies has launched a baffling marketing campaign. I refer to Coca-Cola and their stupid new “healthy lifestyle” ads. We zipped past a billboard today on I-30 that announced in ten-foot-high type: “COCA-COLA. STILL ONLY 140 CALORIES.”

Seriously, WTF does a person do with meaningless data like this? Are we supposed to get excited that a 12-ounce can of Coke “only” contains 140 calories of high fructose corn syrup ... especially when most people are slugging down 64-ounce Big Gulps from 7-Eleven? For the record, that 64-ounce tub of carbonated syrup contains 750 calories, and that’s not counting the sack of Cheetos and king-size Reese’s peanut butter cups you buy to go with it!

As I write this post Sam is multitasking in the family room, watching Okahoma! starring Shirley Jones and Gordon MacRae and concurrently rolling four coffee cans full of pocket change. He says he’s averaging $100 per can. Not bad! WE’RE RICH!

And now it’s time for a shower, lots of food and a couple of nice Danny Kaye movies. Thank you for reading this.

Behold the must-have ketchup fountain.

When Sam went to bed at midnight it was my plan to write a speedy Howdygram post and join him no later than 1:30. I wound up redesigning the Howdygram’s banner graphic instead and never actually got around to writing anything until five minutes ago, except now it’s almost 4:45 in the morning and I’m so tired I can’t sit up straight. Oy.

In case you’re planning a wedding reception or charity gala sometime this year I’d like to introduce you to the KETCHUP FOUNTAIN, a popular new party accessory that lets your horrified guests dunk their burgers and fries with reckless abandon. Frankly, this crap looks more like a prop from a slasher movie.

Before I go to bed (at last) I’d like to post my latest collection of free fonts, all of which I downloaded Saturday afternoon when Sam and I got home from lunch. I’m not sure why, but my favorites on this list are Life Savers and Happy Monday. Also McLaren.

I’ll post again later on today, okay? Thank you for reading this.

The spice of life, revisited.

Let’s talk about spice racks for a minute, shall we? I just spent part of the evening relabeling all my little glass jars of spices and arranging them in no particular order on a nifty three-tier shelf unit that arrived yesterday from Amazon. This replaces the annoying metal racks that actually came with the jars when I bought them back in October, an attractive product from MySpiceSage.com with a shitty design because you couldn’t see the labels on the jars unless you had your chin on the counter or yanked each jar out of the rack one at a time to take a look at the contents. After engaging in this meaningless activity two or three times you’d rather drop a hammer on your foot.

Before ordering the aforementioned nifty three-tier shelf unit, however, I took a stab at labeling the lids of the jars so I could identify the contents without actually investing any additional significant dough. This turned out to be a major life event. I ordered one-inch round silver foil inkjet labels, but after wasting several dollars at OnlineLabels.com and half a day of my life I discovered the lids aren’t suitable for labeling because they’re DOMED, and round labels end up puckering around the edges like teeny little pie crusts. AND THE DAMN INK RUBS OFF.

Moving on to Plan B, I bought the shelf unit from Amazon ($16.99) and went back to OnlineLabels.com for a few sheets of rectangular clear matte inkjet labels and white glossy waterproof. As you can see from the photo above, the white waterproof labels were definitely the way to go. I can read them from a distance and they won’t smear if my hands are wet or I decide to shake a little parsley into a nice, steamy vat of Stupid Soup. This is a win-win for everybody! (Well, actually, just for me. I’m positive that Sam doesn’t give a crap.)

Speaking of Sam ... he’ll be home from work any minute now so I’ll wrap up this post and wish all of you a happy and healthy Friday night. I think I have a craving for French fries.

It’s Pete Rose, posing for a Jockey underwear ad.

I can’t sleep, and it sucks. My hands and feet are burning (I really, really hate diabetes) so around midnight I finally decided just to get the hell out of bed and stop annoying Sam. For the past several hours I’ve been downloading fonts, researching low-carb dessert recipes, enjoying a nice tall Marcytini and trying to remember everything I want Sam to buy at Wal-Mart this morning. Cream cheese for sure and probably sugar-free Cool Whip.

The aforementioned free fonts appear below for your possible interest.

We watched a surprisingly excellent British “heist” film yesterday on TCM … The League of Gentlemen (1960) with a first-rate cast that included Richard Attenborough, Roger Livesey (my personal favorite) and Jack Hawkins, one year after he was Quintus Arrius in Ben-Hur. Here’s a shot of the entire cast; that’s Jack Hawkins, inset.

So here’s a quick rundown on the plot. Jack Hawkins is a disgruntled career Army officer facing forced retirement. He decides to get even with the government by rounding up seven other men who were booted from the service for various embarrassing reasons and coercing them into a complex bank robbery scheme that takes advantage of their military skills, such as blowing things up, stealing gas masks and driving a getaway car. Actually, the story is like an early version of The Dirty Dozen except everybody’s wearing a tie. Sam and I thought this was fine entertainment with a damn good ending.

I’ve got a treat for you. It’s Pete Rose, hairy and out of shape circa 1970, posing for a Jockey underwear ad. Holy crap, check out that haircut. He looks like Moe!

 I have to try going back to bed now. Thank you for reading this.

I don’t own square plates and I don’t garnish anything with wrinkled shrubbery.

There must be something wrong with me. At 5:30 this morning I woke up with a craving for spaghetti and meat sauce, and it was so bad that I sat at my desk playing out the entire scenario in my head for at least half an hour, including how to get my great big pot out of the cabinet without making any noise and wondering if we have enough parmesan cheese. (I like a LOT of parmesan cheese.) Eventually I wound up going back to bed and didn’t actually eat anything until lunch, at which time I reheated an unusually large bowl of Five-Minute Stupid Soup leftover from last night’s dinner.

It is presently 6:40 p.m. and once again I find that I’m obsessed with spaghetti and meat sauce. I’ve got a package of Carb Counters Skinni Spaghetti calling my name from the pantry, and with only 12 carbs in the whole damn box I can go for total gluttony if I want to. Either that, or I might print out a sheet of new spice jar labels and order Mongolian chicken. You can stay tuned for my final decision but it’s not likely that anybody really gives a crap about this.

For the record, my spaghetti and meat sauce looks exactly like this photo except I don’t own square plates and I don’t garnish anything with wrinkled shrubbery.

Show of hands. Does anybody besides me think Manti Te’o should be a mental patient instead of a linebacker? You know, that football doofus from Notre Dame who’s mourning a dead girlfriend who never existed? In a press conference today Te’o finally admitted that he had an online romance that began in 2009 with a fake girl named Lennay Kekua from Stanford University who was in a fake severe car crash and died — tragically — of fake leukemia on December 6. Apparently the only thing that’s real here is his stupidity.

An article today on Deadspin.com uncovered all the facts behind Manti’s almost unbelievable tale of deception:

“There is no SSA record of the death of Lennay Marie Kekua, that day or any other. Her passing, recounted so many times in the national media, produces no obituary or funeral announcement in Nexis, and no mention in the Stanford student newspaper. Nor is there any report of a severe auto accident involving a Lennay Kekua. Background checks turn up nothing. The Stanford registrar’s office has no record that a Lennay Kekua ever enrolled. There is no record of her birth in the news. Outside of a few Twitter and Instagram accounts, there’s no online evidence that Lennay Kekua ever existed. The photographs identified as Kekua — in online tributes and on TV news reports — are pictures from the social media accounts of a 22-year-old California woman who is not named Lennay Kekua. She is not a Stanford graduate; she has not been in a severe car accident; and she does not have leukemia. And she has never met Manti Te’o.”

While sports commentators are throwing around the possibility that Notre Dame will probably dump him, I think Te’o has a strong future and a shot at the NFL. Not too many players start their football careers with an advanced case of brain trauma.

Thank you for reading this.

Mazel tov to Governor Rick Perry, the Howdygram’s Putz of the Week.

He did it again. He opened his big dumb mouth and said something so embarrassing he makes me want to jump in front of a speeding bus. Or better yet, he should jump in front of a speeding bus!

I’m referring to Rick Perry, of course, the Einstein governor of Texas who thinks President Obama’s gun control proposal — which would end the sale of high-powered assault weapons and increase background checks — is “a disgusting anti-Christian, anti-patriotic act being advanced by Satan.” (I wouldn’t joke about this.) Perry added, “The piling on by the political left, and their cohorts in the media, to use the massacre of little children to advance a pre-existing political agenda that would not have saved those children, disgusts me personally.”

Holy crap. Once again, the Howdygram has no choice but to present this half-brained ammo-loving Neanderthal with our coveted Putz of the Week award.

Gilberto Hinojosa, chair of the Texas Democratic Party, called Governor Einstein’s comments “ridiculous and offensive’’ because Perry apparently believes that the answer to the horrific tragedy at Newtown is to encourage heavily-armed teachers and concealed handguns in schools, guns on college campuses and in dormitories, guns at soccer games, guns at frat parties, and guns at large-scale public events where alcohol, aggression and emotion already lead to violence. Hinojosa concluded, “Twenty children have died, and Perry sees it as an opportunity to push his own radical agenda. Nothing could be sicker and more of an abuse of power. We have a governor who thinks the answer to our societal problems is a wild west shoot-out.”

For the record, and this should come as no surprise whatsoever, the state of Texas ranks first in the U.S. in the sale of guns and ammunition and dead last in spending for Women’s Health, Children’s Health and Education. We also don’t have any decent delicatessens.

Thanks for stopping by. Drop me a line sometime, okay?

Thunder-sleet, a Macy’s do-over and I can’t wait to eat my low-carb cheesecake.

We woke up this morning to a world covered with white crap. Sam said we had a thunder-sleet storm going on around 6 a.m. that coated everything with frosty ice pellets. As a result I had to cancel my 11 a.m. podiatrist appointment because I have a hard enough time just walking on dry ground.

I’ve got a bunch of unrelated, mostly uninteresting crapola to report tonight. First, before I forget, here’s a cute yet informative video clip I received a couple of days ago from Sam’s Aunt Adie about how women can tell if they’re having a heart attack. Feel free to recommend this to your friends and neighbors, okay?



Also, we found out today that Macy’s plans to replace our new-ish microsuede sectional sofa (it’s slightly more than a year old) by the end of the month! A technician from their service department was here on Friday to check out an area that started sagging, and when he reported the issue back to his boss they made the decision to REPLACE THE ENTIRE SECTIONAL rather than repair it. A formal portrait appears below for your possible interest. The color is called “Stone.”

I’m outrageously excited about this because it’s like getting a free do-over with regard to smooshed-up cushions, an unexplained greasy little hand-print and two badly-dented accent pillows. THANK YOU, MACY’S. Yee-haw!

I don’t know how I wound up on this mailing list, but there’s an irritating little Greek cafe here in Mesquite that focuses their entire marketing campaign on advertising when they’re CLOSED. For example:

“Happy holidays. We’re closed on Christmas.” 

“Drive carefully. We’re closed New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day!” 

“Just a reminder … we’re closed every Sunday.” 

“Hi. We’re closed today due to the weather. See you tomorrow!” 

In case you don’t believe me, click here and here and here. These people must be insane.

The local news in Dallas is reporting that Lee Harvey Oswald’s former apartment building in the Oak Cliff neighborhood was torn down yesterday morning with a crowd of onlookers arriving at dawn to grab a few bricks and whatnots as souvenirs. I don’t really understand why anybody would want crap like this, but you have to keep in mind I’m talking about Texans. Texans are weird.

I spent most of the day hard at work on my big client project, the scope of which has expanded to include: 1) a new logo; 2) matching business cards; 3) postcard invitations to a gallery show; 4) a PDF mailer; and 5) redesigning her website. I finished 1 and 3 this afternoon and feel very accomplished. As soon as I wrap up this post I plan to celebrate with a nice hot shower, the low-carb cheesecake I made last night and this week’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn.” Holy crap, does this sound fantastic, or what? If I feel motivated afterwards I might empty the dishwasher, although technically this activity doesn’t fit into anybody’s concept of celebrating. Especially mine. I’m just saying.

Incidentally, with regard to that low-carb cheesecake from the previous paragraph, it really turned out GREAT. I used the famous Bisquick “Impossible Cheesecake” recipe modified for CarbQuik ... a real no-brainer that you mix in the blender, pour into a glass pan and bake for half an hour. Let me know if you want the recipe, okay? Next time I think I’ll shmear a jar of no-carb lemon curd on top instead of sour cream. I love lemon curd.

Thank you for reading this!

I don’t know what I’d do without Meat Loaf Night.

I decided not to write any Howdygram posts over the weekend because, quite frankly, I just didn’t feel up to it. Winter weather makes my bones ache — even when it’s a “Texas winter” at 45° — so I spent most of Saturday and Sunday involved in the following important activities: 1) eating; 2) sleeping; 3) finishing my Ovation Creative website project; 4) trying to relabel 24 spice jars; and 5) watching movies. Item one included a Sunday morning excursion to Hong Kong Royal for dim sum and item five featured The Little Foxes (1941) starring Bette Davis and Herbert Marshall and The Great Race (1965), a personal favorite, starring Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon and Natalie Wood. This is probably the funniest epic comedy ever made with the best pie fight EVER.

To round out a busy weekend, Saturday night was also Meat Loaf Night. I don’t know what I’d do without Meat Loaf Night.

In addition, Sam and I enjoyed a string of surprisingly entertaining fast-talking 1930s B-movies with veteran actor Lee Tracy. The best of the litter was Crashing Hollywood, a screwball comedy about a screenwriter who teams up with a pair of ex-cons to write realistic crime dramas. Although Tracy’s best (and most iconic) role was probably the part of Jean Harlow’s publicist in Bombshell, I think Crashing Hollywood is a close second.

Drum roll, people! I’m pleased to announce that I finally finished redesigning my Ovation Creative website! (Click here to take a look.) I was motivated primarily by a project request on Friday from a client in Colorado who wants me to revamp her photography website and produce a new collection of printed marketing materials in time for a gallery show in mid-February. I figured I’d better wrap up my own personal baloney so I can earn some money. Money is good.

Here, for your possible interest, is a recent portrait of Wayne Newton, whose new part-time gig in Las Vegas involves haunting houses. Oy, Wayne, what the hell did you do to yourself?

And finally, an exciting and affordable new gift idea for those hard-to-shop-for friends, realtives and co-workers! I thought Mr. T’s 15 minutes of fame was finished in the mid-1980s but apparently he still finds marketing Einsteins willing to work overtime on weird horseshit like this. You can buy yours here.

Now it’s time for my Monday afternoon projects, listed for you here in no particular order whatsoever. They are: 1) a nice nap; and 2) folding kitchen towels; and 3) baking a low-carb cheesecake. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

Sam responds badly to hysterical screams in the middle of the night.

Ah, Friday. It’s 4 a.m. and I’m trying to bounce back from a hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episode that started about an hour ago. I woke from a sound sleep feeling clammy and screwy with a craving for sugar and wound up where all loopy diabetics would go in that condition — THE CAN — at which time I began shouting for Sam because I knew I couldn’t make it to the kitchen for the various whatnots I needed to undo what was going on. Sam, as always, came to the rescue, although I tried my best to not sound panicky because he responds badly to hysterical screams in the middle of the night. (Actually, I guess everybody does.)

At any rate, I’m definitely much better now after consuming a low-carb ChocoPerfection bar (the kind that tastes like cheap Easter bunnies from Walgreen’s), two chewable glucose tablets and a Marcytini with extra ice. Extra ice is an important part of this complete breakfast.

Yo! We’re expecting a nice, balmy day today! The forecast says 70° and partly sunny, and that’s a nice change of pace for the middle of January. (It’s typically about 50° here this time of year when we’re not having an ice storm.) If it doesn’t rain I’m hoping for a dim sum outing with Sam on Saturday because we haven’t had dim sum for an awfully long time and I need shrimp dumplings bad.

I also need more sleep, but before I sign off here’s another batch of free fonts that I downloaded on Thursday. I think all of them are from FontScore.com. I especially love Neutra Small Caps and Din Condensed Pro, but I can’t explain why.

Thank you for reading this.

Curly, Moe and Larry go to court.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday for one reason and one reason only: I just couldn’t get motivated. I’m still redesigning my Ovation Creative website and try to get back to it every time I have a couple of hours with nothing else to do, which actually happens a LOT around here. In-between I spent most of the afternoon involved in three additional worthwhile projects: 1) watching old movies; 2) taking a nap; and 3) eating.

One of the old movies was Dangerous Blondes (1943) starring Evelyn Keyes, Allyn Joslyn and former silent-era leading man Edmund Lowe. Dangerous Blondes is your typical “suspense comedy” — imagine The Thin Man series with a B-list cast and shitty script — that’s rated in our U-Verse cable guide with THREE AND A HALF STARS. That’s the same rating they give Ben-Hur and a half-star higher than Lawrence of Arabia. Holy mother of crap. Can they be serious?

In the national news today is another story about convicted pedophile and child molester Jerry Sandusky. You know, the evil cretin who’s currently serving 60 years in federal prison for repeatedly abusing 10 boys over a period of 15 years.

Sandusky’s defense team, pictured below, will be in court today in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania, to launch an appeal that could — but certainly won’t — reverse his sentence and let him walk, and their reasons are borrowed from a Three Stooges script. Curly, Moe and Larry plan to argue that: 1) there was insufficient evidence to convict him; and 2) the court didn’t allow them enough time to prepare for trial after the prosecution flooded them with evidence.

Okay, so which is it? Insufficient evidence or TOO MUCH? To help me deal with the frustration I might have to make another batch of CarbQuik One-Step Biscuits this morning. This time I’m thinking about McDonald’s sausage biscuit knockoffs.

If you’d like to join me please send an email and let me know. You can either stop by before noon, after which they’ll certainly all be gone, or I’ll be glad to attach one to an email for you. Thank you for reading this.

The Dallas Cowboys should get sued for firing an employee who’s nine months pregnant.

As I sit here listening to a load of robes and underwear dancing in the dryer I’m reminded that I have a very nice life. This consists mostly of excellent old movies, Five-Minute Stupid Soup, frequent naps and the best husband on earth. (Not necessarily in that order.)

I’m at a loss to understand this. After no measurable precipitation in drought-stricken north Texas for MONTHS, half an hour after it started raining today we already had dire FLASH FLOOD WARNINGS all over the Internet and TV. The National Weather Service posted the following notice IN ALL CAPS on Weather.com: “FLASH FLOOD WARNING CONTINUES FOR ALL COUNTIES IN NORTH CENTRAL TEXAS. RAINFALL TOTALS OF 2 TO 4 INCHES WITH HIGHER AMOUNTS POSSIBLE. WIDESPREAD HEAVY RAINFALL TONIGHT AND WEDNESDAY WILL RESULT IN EXCESSIVE RUNOFF, LEADING TO FLOODED CREEKS, STREAMS, PONDS, DRY CREEK BEDS AND LOW WATER CROSSINGS.”

The pink asterisk on the map above denotes Howdygram headquarters. Don’t bother zooming in because I’m in the house waiting for Sam to float home from work.

I just read an article on MyHealthNewsDaily.com that drinking diet soda apparently is linked to DEPRESSION. The report is somewhat suspect, however, since researchers also revealed that diet drinks don’t actually cause depression and their findings can’t provide any substantiation for this claim whatsoever. The following is a direct quote: “They looked at more than 263,900 U.S. adults ages 50 to 71 who answered questions about their beverage consumption between the years 1995 and 1996. About 10 years later (from 2004 to 2006), the same people were asked if a doctor had diagnosed them with depression since the year 2000. People who regularly drank four or more cans of any type of soda a day were 30 percent more likely to have received a diagnosis of depression than people who did not drink soda.”

This is the dumbest pile of horseshit I’ve ever read. I’d be willing to bet 30% of EVERYBODY in the 50 to 71 age group could be diagnosed with depression at some point, considering they’re all getting old, suffering through menopause or erectile dysfunction, their parents are dying and nobody can zip last year’s jeans. Holy crap, does somebody really earn money for research like this? Why not assume that U.S. adults using underarm deodorant or driving four-door sedans in 1995 would be depressed 10 years later?

Our final thought comes from the world of sports, where Dallas Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan got sacked today after his second consecutive crappy season. Personally, I think the Cowboys management should get sued for firing an employee who’s nine months pregnant.

Sam just got home, so it’s time to eat snacks and hang out in the family room for a couple of hours. Thank you for reading this.

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. But in a good way.

Here’s some great news. This post will NOT include recipes, food commentary or portraits of low-carb biscuits, lasagna or salmon patties. I promise.

I spent most of the day on Monday redesigning my Ovation Creative website. I’m finally making progress and I love the new look, but there’s so much work left to do that sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. But in a good way.

Even though they have the worst track record on earth and I’d be an idiot to believe them, the meteorologists lying sacks of poo at Weather.com are forecasting TWO STRAIGHT DAYS OF VERY HEAVY RAIN — three or more inches! — for drought-stricken north Texas starting today around noon. I’m looking forward to this, people. I never leave the house, anyway, unless it involves opening the door for Chinese food or a UPS delivery. It’s a full life. I’ll fill my time today with soup and a few good movies, and if anybody wants to come over and help me fold socks the party starts at 8 p.m. Click here to reserve your seat on the couch. Thank you in advance.

Holy crap, it’s 3 a.m. and I have to go to bed. Shut the light when you’re done here, okay?

Today’s menu includes hot wads of dough with butter.

Good morning, people! I just canceled my 10 a.m. haircut appointment for a couple of solid reasons: 1) it’s too cold outside; and 2) I don’t feel like wearing a brassiere. I didn’t bother to reschedule because the weather probably won’t warm up around here for at least another month. In the meantime I might have to cut my own bangs with a cuticle scissors. Stop laughing.

Here’s some breaking news from the Howdygram Test Kitchens … I made my first-ever batch of CarbQuik ONE-STEP BISCUITS last night! This was as easy as I’d hoped and they turned out just great even though I had to improvise a little because I don’t own a KitchenAid stand mixer with expensive attachments. So I dumped the water and CarbQuick into my bread machine instead, and 90 seconds later I had PERFECT BISCUIT DOUGH.

Here’s the recipe in case you’re interested. You need 2 cups of CarbQuik baking mix (it’s a low-carb knockoff of Bisquick) and ⅔ cup of water. Blend it into a nice soft ball of dough, drop the dough by spoonfuls onto an ungreased cookie sheet and bake for 12 or 13 minutes in a preheated 350° oven. They should turn out exactly like the picture below, although yours might look slightly different if you don’t own yellow plates. This recipe makes eight big biscuits with only 1.5 carbs each.

It’s my plan to make another batch today except this time with ¼ cup of shredded cheddar cheese added to the dough recipe and maybe a pinch of onion salt.

In case you’re wondering why I’m making such a gigantic hoo-hah about this, it’s because I have diabetes and haven’t been able to enjoy hot wads of dough with butter for years without getting into a panic about my blood sugar numbers. Holy crap. THIS IS HEAVEN. If I had a full-time job I would call in sick right now with a fake sore throat and spend the whole damn day eating biscuits in the family room! (If you think I’m kidding, you don’t know me very well.)

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

A nice way to consume little pouches of salmon.

It doesn’t get much easier than this. If you’re into salmon patties — hey, who isn’t? — you’ll absolutely LOVE these!

• 10 oz. salmon
• 2 eggs
• pinch of dehydrated onion flakes
• salt and pepper to taste
• 5 tablespoons CarbQuik baking mix
• oil for frying

Mix the salmon, eggs, onion flakes, salt, pepper and CarbQuik. Heat oil in a large frying pan and spoon mixture into 4 large patties. Brown on both sides. These taste great with a wad of optional tartar sauce and a little dish of Vlasic sugar-free sweet pickles.

I recommend using Chicken of the Sea or Bumble Bee salmon in those convenient little pouches. (I buy mine by the case from Amazon.)

Please eat this really good low-carb lasagna wannabe.

Here’s the first of my recipes featuring CarbQuik baking mix from Netrition.com, the Bisquick knockoff with 90% fewer carbs. CarbQuik is my new best friend.

I made this Low-Carb Lasagna Pie for dinner tonight, and it would have been an over-the-moon winner if I hadn’t added salt twice by mistake. We still loved it but next time it will be perfect and we won’t need a gallon of water standing by.

• 1 cup ricotta cheese
• ¼ cup grated parmesan cheese
• 1 lb. ground beef, browned and drained
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese, divided
• 1 cup pasta sauce (I use low-carb Bella Vita)
• 1 cup unflavored Almond Breeze almond milk
• 2 eggs
• ⅔ cup CarbQuik
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ¼ teaspoon pepper

Preheat your oven to 375°. Spray an 8-inch square glass baking pan with Pam and set aside.

Layer ricotta and parmesan cheese in prepared pan. Mix cooked beef, pasta sauce and ½ cup of the mozzarella; spoon evenly over top. Beat milk, eggs, CarbQuik, salt and pepper with an electric mixer for one minute until smooth. Pour into pan. Bake until golden brown and a knife inserted in center comes out clean, 35 to 40 minutes. Sprinkle remaining mozzarella on top and let stand for 5 minutes.

Incidentally, I use Thrive Freeze-Dried Ground Beef for this recipe. (Actually, I use it for every recipe.) It rehydrates in five minutes and you don’t have to stand over a frying pan for half an hour hacking up a brick of frozen meat. I strongly recommend that you give it a try. Thank you and bon appetit.

Kitchen news from your low-carb Aunt Bee.

While Sam is at Wal-Mart buying emergency groceries I thought I’d get started on a long-overdue Howdygram post because you’re probably wondering where the hell I’ve been. The answer to that, actually, would be ASLEEP. Following a nice lunch at Alfredo’s in Forney and a long drive in the country waving at cattle, Sam and I collapsed into bed and slept for TWO HOURS. In case you’re interested, the aforementioned emergency groceries include: 1) cookies; 2) sugar-free Cool Whip; 3) butter; 4)  jumbo eggs; and 5) Drumstick ice cream cones.

I’ve got breaking news from the Howdygram Test Kitchen ... last night’s Salmon Patties (read my earlier post) turned out SWELL. This was the first time I ever used CarbQuik, that low-carb Bisquick knockoff I ordered from Netrition, and you’d never know the difference. Tonight’s entree will be CarbQuik Lasagna Pie because I’ve got a frightening quantity of ricotta cheese in the fridge. It’s my goal to post both recipes sometime this weekend, but please try to continue your normal routine in the meantime, okay?

Since I’m suddenly turning into a low-carb version of Aunt Bee making all kinds of meals from scratch I decided to invest in some basic storage equipment to hold my CarbQuik flour, granulated Splenda and dehydrated whatnots. I found a great deal on glass Montana Jar canisters from Anchor Hocking’s website — 80% off! — and ordered three different yet practical sizes, the largest being 1½ gallons. 

Initially I thought I wanted stainless steel but couldn’t find any online with decent customer reviews. Comments ran the gamut from “too many fingerprints,” “over-priced,” “sharp edges” and “shitty lids that don’t seal” to “absolutely not worth the money,” so I decided to buy glass instead because a person can’t go wrong with glass. I also ordered a large volume of Splenda with fiber (who knew?) and a cheap yet attractive retro sugar dispenser from Amazon.

To round off a perfect evening of eating and shopping I also downloaded the following free fonts from a variety of different sources:

I’d better get started on my CarbQuik Lasagna Pie. If this turns out to be another hit you can come over next time and eat some with us. For now you’ll just have to figure out your own dinner, okay?

I don’t have enough Splenda or vanilla in the pantry. I feel surprisingly despondent about this.

There’s a big hoo-hah happening today at Howdygram headquarters! Here, in no particular order whatsoever, are the latest breaking news stories: 1) I finally picked a new color palette for Ovation Creative; 2) I’m making biscuits and salmon patties for dinner; and 3) I’ve got a haircut appointment on Monday with a stylist named “Ambyr” whose name leads me to believe that her real job probably involves porn. Details follow concerning items one and two. Item three should be self-explanatory.

Regarding item one, I’ve been obsessed with this baloney for almost a month and it’s a relief to have finally made a decision so I can redesign my website and move on with my life already. Yee-haw, hallelujah and holy crap! Regarding item two, the delivery I got today from Netrition.com included a huge box of CarbQuik, the low-carb Bisquick knockoff that I mentioned a few days ago. I’ve been collecting all kinds of fabulous CarbQuik recipes online that I can’t wait to try, but at the top of my list are Salmon Patties — I love salmon things! — and the One-Step Drop Biscuits — I love biscuits, too! — printed on the back of the box. I figure it can’t get much easier than one stinking step, right? If they’re good I’ll try to save a few for Sam but I’m not promising anything.

Other excellent CarbQuik recipes on my list include Chicken Pot Pie, Upside-Down Pizza, Easy Cheesecake (no crust!), Lasagna Pie and a Breakfast Casserole that sounds a lot like a big poofy quiche. I’d love to make the Easy Cheesecake tonight for dessert but I don’t have enough Splenda or vanilla in the pantry. I feel surprisingly despondent about this.

Now that I’m hungry enough to eat moose kabobs I guess it’s time to sign off, inject some insulin and haul my ass into the kitchen. Thank you for reading this!

Introducing our 2012 Slimeball Hall of Fame.

If you were taking odds that I wouldn’t write a post today, YOU LOSE. While I sit here figuring out what I want for dinner I thought I’d share the latest crapola from Howdygram headquarters.

Before I forget, since nobody successfully identified the two classic movie stars from my post on December 27 I’ll reveal their names for you below.

Because there was no winner I’ll just have to keep the BIG VALUABLE PRIZE for myself. No hard feelings and better luck next time, okay?

And now I’m pleased to present the Howdygram’s 2012 Slimeball Hall of Fame, featuring eight sickening hotshots who made me want stab myself in the head with an ice pick at various times throughout the past year.

These sickening hotshots are listed in no particular order whatsoever ...

• Todd Akin. The GOP’s gift to late-night comedy claimed during his campaign for a Senate seat in Missouri that in the case of “legitimate rape” a woman’s body had ways to prevent pregnancy, concluding that abortion even for rape victims should denied because they’re obviously lying. Akin’s hard-core, logic-defying, anti-abortion rhetoric guaranteed a comfortable win by Democratic incumbent Claire McCaskill and inflicted huge damage to the Republican Party for being anti-woman. (Thank you, Todd.)
• Rod “Hairdo” Blagojevich. In March the former governor of Illinois began serving a juicy 14-year sentence at the Federal Correctional Institute in Englewood, Colorado, for conspiracy, racketeering and fraud, still insisting he was targeted by the FBI for “fighting the crooks in a crooked system.” To his credit, however, as governor Blagojevich gave free bus rides to senior citizens.
• Donald Trump. America’s most obnoxious racist blowhard promised to up-end the presidential election with an “October surprise,” dropping frequent hints that he had photocopies of the Obamas’ fictional divorce papers from an earlier decade. In reality, Trump’s surprise was to challenge the President with a $5 million gift to the charity of his choice if he produced his passport application and college transcripts, which seemed to the press and general public that Trump’s ultimate goal was blackmail or extortion. If that wasn’t bad enough, when President Obama won re-election on November 6 Trump fired off a series of grotesquely racist Tweets that claimed the election was a sham, a disaster for democracy and a disgusting injustice (see my earlier post). Talk about a sore loser!
• David Petraeus. Former military god and five-star general who got himself involved with an extramarital affair, social-climbing party girls in Tampa, Florida, and all kinds of convoluted email intrigue. Check out an earlier post with educational graphics.
• Jerry Sandusky. The child molester from Penn State will rot in hell after he serves 60 years in prison for abusing more than 15 million boys. (I might be exaggerating, but not by much.)
• Lance Armstrong. Disgraced Tour de France cycling champion was kicked to the curb and convicted of a career-long doping conspiracy. In one day, Lance Armstrong: 1) was erased from the record books; 2) stripped of his medals and awards; 3) lost all of his lucrative endorsement deals; and 4) was forced out of the cancer charity founded in his name. He’s not even allowed to ride a bike to the grocery store.
• Mitt Romney. Although I’m sure everything has already been said about the GOP’s human gaffe machine, I offer the following Romney quotes in case you need a reminder. To a heckler in Iowa who suggested that corporations should pay higher taxes: “Corporations are people, my friend. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people.” At a Beverly Hills fundraiser, wondering why you can’t crack a window at 35,000 feet: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem.” During a GOP primary debate: “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.” And ... “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.” Plus the ultimate gaffe ... Romney’s secretly-recorded remarks at a donor banquet: “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what ... who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” HOLY CRAP. Did America dodge a bullet, or what?
• Rick Santorum. The GOP’s scariest presidential candidate, bar none. Santorum is a homophobic misogynist whose platform was based on his belief that TOO MUCH BIRTH CONTROL is the number one problem facing Americans today.

And now I’d better find something speedy to eat for dinner before I conk out! Thanks for stopping by.

Happy New Year, people!

It’s midnight at Howdygram headquarters, and as we limp into 2013 Sam and I would like to wish all of you a Happy New Year filled with good health, wonderful things and plenty of Mongolian chicken. We’ve had a quiet evening at home (as usual) with some fine movies and leftovers.

Incidentally, the United States fell off the fiscal cliff last night. Sam and I landed safely on the sofa in our family room, where he ate a whole pumpkin pie for dinner with a can of whipped cream and fell asleep around 10:15; I enjoyed a bowl of tuna salad and watched After the Thin Man and The Apartment on TCM.

So far this fiscal cliff horseshit has been largely uneventful, although CNN.com is reporting that, according to Vice President Biden, an agreement has been reached but no vote will occur tonight in Congress. This is no surprise whatsoever. We wouldn’t expect the blowhards in Congress to actually do something.

For your possible interest I managed to tear myself away from the Howdygram’s holiday festivities tonight to purchase the following fantastic crap from Wal-Mart.com. This included three cans of Folger’s hazelnut coffee, three cans of Folger’s French vanilla, two bottles of Equate Arthritis Pain Reliever — best pain reliever EVER — and two packages of very cheap Ziploc round storage containers.

Thank you, as always, for reading this.