It’s Christmas in January with really stupid barcode labels.

It’s Christmas in January around here, with a wide variety of UPS drop-offs clogging our front doorstep! During the past 24 hours I have received all of the following: 1) six quart “boxes” of College-Inn chicken broth; 2) six bags of Miracle Angel Hair Pasta; 3) a dozen bags of Miracle Rice; 4) a box of 24 really inexpensive PowerFactor AA batteries; 5) six new empty jars for my spice rack from MySpiceSage.com plus teeny bags of onion salt and garlic salt. The spice jars are currently soaking in hot water because they arrived with really stupid barcode labels on them. Items 1 through 4 are all from Amazon.com.

Show of hands. Do you ever read Dear Abby? Her column included a letter today that really knocked me for a loop:

If a couple has been dating for a long time, do you think he has a right to have sex with her while she’s sleeping? My sister and I disagree about this. I feel it’s abuse. My sister isn’t quite sure what to think.

Abby replied that it’s not just “abuse” ... it’s RAPE. I agree, but the Howdygram feels compelled to take this a step further: WHO THE HELL CAN SLEEP THROUGH SEX? Holy crap.

In case you’re on the market for something different, shop now for some intriguing new seasonings from Big Cock Ranch, where profanity is apparently the spice of life. (This is not a joke.)

To expand my low-carb snacking options I’m considering a Dip Shit six-pack ($14.99) to accompany my Lowrey’s Hot & Spicy Microwave Bacon Curls. I love tasty crap, don’t you?

As I sit here contemplating tonight’s dinner I’m leaning towards a vat of Five-Minute Stupid Soup. This time I’d like to throw in a cup of instant pinto beans and some cilantro just to keep it interesting. Stupid Soup is my favorite all-time meal next to Mongolian chicken, Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage and dreaming about pizza. (Diabetics always dream about pizza.)

Before I sign off, let’s all sing a quick chorus of “Happy Birthday” to my adorable mother-in-law, Belle. Thank you.