Adios, Governor Goodhair. You sucked.

A few weeks ago I decided to love AT&T (see previous post) when I found out that U-Verse lets me program my DVR online. Well, screw that. I hate them again, and here’s why.

We’re having persistent issues with AT&T’s crappy router. Every 60 seconds it starts blinking red, which indicates all of the following: 1) our Internet connection is down; 2) there’s no home phone service (it’s digital); and 3) anything that’s recording on our DVR ends up pixellated, without sound and unwatchable. I’ve been trying to call AT&T for the last hour and a half but every time I’m next in line for a service technician THE PHONE SHUTS OFF AGAIN.

But wait ... there’s more! Wondering why I don’t just use my cell phone? THE BATTERY WON’T HOLD A CHARGE. (Another quality AT&T product, people.) I’ve got my cell charging (again) as I write this post; hopefully within the hour I’ll have enough juice stored up to call and raise hell. Stay tuned for further developments.

AND NOW, FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS. I never did talk to a real person at AT&T, but their sophisticated automated voice mail crapola diagnosed a problem with our equipment and set up an appointment for tomorrow so a technician can come by and fix whatever’s broken. Apparently he won’t need to physically set foot inside Howdygram headquarters, which is fine with me because I never wear a brassiere in July or August. (Or September.)

And as long as I’m accomplishing projects, I’d like to offer updates on the Monday “do” list mentioned in last night’s Howdygram post. First, I verified today that Blue Cross will cover acupuncture treatments provided they’re for chronic pain — as opposed to weird horseshit like curing knuckle hair or beating your craving for chocolate — which is swell news in case I decide to go this route for help with my arthritis and neuropathy issues. As an insulin-dependent diabetic I’m not exactly convinced that I want additional needles in my life, but I’m no big fan of arthritis and neuropathy pain, either. Holy crap.

Second, I was involved in a pleasant online chat a few minutes ago with a Norelco customer service dude named Rafael when all of a sudden I fixed Sam’s busted rechargeable razor all by myself! When the aforementioned service dude asked me to hunt for the serial number (it’s inside the beard trimmer attachment) I figured out the broken top wasn’t actually broken at all. I snapped it right back into place, switched on the razor and shaved off all the hair on my right arm. This was so much fun I’m also considering a couple of toes!

And now, my final thought for the day ...

In case you haven’t heard the news, Rick “Einstein” Perry announced today that he WILL NOT seek another term as governor of Texas. Glorioski, people, this is so damn exciting I might need Mongolian chicken for dinner! I have no idea what he plans to do instead (God forbid if he’s got the White House in his crosshairs again) but I think it’s high time for Governor Goodhair to take his right-wing dumbshittery into the private sector, maybe as a lobbyist for Smith & Wesson or as pastor of a patriotic mega-church. If my knees didn’t hurt I’d consider a couple of celebration cartwheels. Yee-haw!

Thank you for reading this.