Gifts for senior citizens. Think Hanukkah! Think birthdays! Think Valentine’s Day!

Hi, people. Sam is running errands and I’m here at home with Kleenex and a Marcytini while I nurse the onset of a cold. I am absolutely determined NOT to get sick, so to cheer myself up this morning I ordered a large container of blank CDs, Coricidin caplets and a bottle of Queen Latifah perfume because I’ve always wanted to smell like a large African American rapper who’s technically a lesbian.

Incidentally, Sam and I had a first-class experience yesterday at the Choctaw Casino! Not counting an especially fabulous lunch at the buffet — pea salad, sugar-free pie, catfish, guacamole and green olives for me; salmon and baby cheesecakes for Sam — I had nice wins at the two penny slot machines pictured below, and Sam did extremely well, too. WE LOVE MONEY. Money is wonderful!

Because I always enjoy discovering new places to shop online, the Howdygram is pleased to recommend EasyComforts.com, the perfect gift resource for all the senior citizens in your life. I refer to such products as extra-stretchy socks for swollen feet, toenail fungus cream, an exciting variety of pill sorters, napkin clips for dribblers, those hard-to-find retro plastic rain bonnets, sofa protectors in case you accidentally leak watching a Danny Kaye movie, fancy wheelchair accessories, do-it-yourself kits to reline your own dentures … and so much more! Think Hanukkah! Think birthdays! Think Valentine’s Day!

From our Where Not To Dine While You Buy Weird Furniture department, IKEA has announced that the Swedish meatballs served in their U.S. stores DO NOT CONTAIN HORSE MEAT. What a relief.

Apparently the meat used in IKEA’s meatballs in the U.S. comes from a domestic supplier and is not affected by the recall of 1,675 pounds of frozen meatballs in the Czech Republic, which occurred when the Czech State Veterinary Administration detected traces of Trigger and Seabiscuit. IKEA’s furniture stores throughout the world feature restaurants that sell food typical of the store’s home country — Sweden — including their “wildly popular Kotbullar meatballs.” (I’ve tried them. They’re neither wild nor popular.)

Thank you for reading this.