I’m recruiting for a hit man to help me get even with tech support.

I thought I’d horse around with the Howdygram while I wait for the UPS delivery-of-a-lifetime. I’m expecting nine — NINE! — packages today from Amazon, including: 1) a case of Lowrey’s original flavor microwave bacon curls; 2) Dial NutriSkin body wash; 3) 12 bags of zero-calorie Miracle Rice; 4) a Norelco cordless razor for Sam; 5) a sack of nice disposable razors for yours truly; 6) six 32-oz. boxes of College Inn chicken broth; 7) a half-pound bag of xanthan gum powder; 8) an industrial-size carton of Imodium caplets; and 9) a bottle of Nature’s Bounty Co Q-10 extra-strength softgels. Holy crap!

In the event you’ve never heard of item 7, xanthan gum (pictured below) is a food thickener used in billions of commercially-sold products such as salad dressing, barbecue sauce, milkshakes, gravy and so on. Its benefit for me is the fact that it works these miracles with ZERO CARBS. A half-pound bag will probably last the rest of my life because a little goes a very long way. For instance, ⅛-teaspoon can thicken a pan of gravy and 3 teaspoons will turn an entire vat of soup into sludge. (I love sludge.) Stay tuned for additional details, okay?

Incidentally, I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday because I got sidetracked with a couple of client projects, such as a logo design and recreating an entire website that mysteriously disappeared from the Internet last week. My client almost had a cow while we waited five days for tech support Einsteins in three different departments to figure out what the hell happened. THEY NEVER DID. So yesterday I finally volunteered to re-upload the entire website from scratch, which took maybe two hours from start to finish.

I’m recruiting for a hit man to help me get even with tech support. Please send an email if you know anybody who’s interested in a quick buck and a trip to India. Thank you.

Tonight for dinner I’m making Marcy’s Deconstructed Chicken Pot Pie, a bizarre recipe of my own invention that almost sounds too good to be true. Basically, it’s three CarbQuik drop biscuits smothered in a gooey, zero-carb gravy with cut-up chicken and freeze-dried vegetables. I don’t know about you, but I think this crap sounds so awesome I might have to post the recipe so you can try it yourself.

Thank you for reading this.