Meet the Jacksons: Chicago’s latest crop of creeps, crooks and cronies.

While I sit here recovering from a middle-of-the-night low blood sugar incident, for which I’m consuming a Marcytini, a low-carb chocolate bar and a stack of American cheese singles, I thought I’d work on a post about Chicago’s latest crop of creepy criminal politicians. This time it’s the Jackson clan: 1) Jesse Junior; 2) Jesse Junior’s main squeeze; and 3) Jesse’s Junior’s daddy. Let’s begin with a quick review of their offenses, shall we?

Jesse Junior, who resigned his seat in Congress shortly before the end of last year following a six-month absence for “emotional problems,” has just confessed to embezzling $750,000 of his own campaign funds to purchase (among other things) mink capes, a $45,000 Rollex watch, Michael Jackson memorabilia, Bruce Lee memorabilia, Jimi Hendrix memorabilia, Martin Luther King memorabilia, an Eddie Van Halen guitar, a commemorative football and a cashmere hat. You know, all the necessities for the good life in Congress. He also paid his wife’s consulting firm half a million dollars.

Junior had been under investigation by the FBI since attempting to bribe Illinois’ disgraced former governor Rod Blagojevich for the Senate seat vacated by President Obama. Blagojevich is currently serving a 14-year prison sentence for racketeering.

Junior’s wife, Sandi, isn’t a whole lot better. She resigned from Chicago’s city council in mid-January after five years as an absentee alderman, during which she collected a full-time salary while missing nearly half the council’s votes and 91% of her committee meetings because — here’s a shocker — she was actually living in Washington, D.C. with Junior and the kids. Following an FBI investigation Sandi confessed to tax fraud yesterday relative to her husband’s embezzlement issues.

Big Daddy (Jesse Senior) wasn’t under investigation and didn’t confess to any crimes, but I feel compelled to include him here. Doesn’t it ever bother people that he has no job — or any other visible means of support — but keeps turning up uninvited at every major event in the United States wearing $2,500 suits? I’m just saying.

I think I’ll go back to bed for a while. Turn off the lights when you’re done, okay?