A Bisquick knockoff, the nap from hell and breaking news from our Happy Homemaker department.

Hello, happy Thursday and welcome to Howdygramland! My kvetch du jour is an irritating case of nappus interruptus, during which I received three telephone calls from idiots trying to sell me stuff I don’t need. (And even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t buy it over the phone.) Today featured products were replacement windows, a roof and a home security system. As a result my luxurious afternoon nap lasted less than 18 minutes, at which time I gave up and hard-boiled a few eggs.

Breaking news from our Happy Homemaker department ... I CLEANED OUT THE REFRIGERATOR THIS MORNING! No kidding, I’m shocked by all the extra space in there now! I discarded three enormous sacks of useless and unexpected shitsky, including two unopened jars of capers, the Claussen pickles I bought when we moved into our house five years ago, half a can of cranberry sauce from Thanksgiving 2011, old yogurt, six kinds of honey mustard, unrecognizable cheese and something that used to be hummus.

Sam was mighty impressed. To celebrate, I’m sending him to Wal-Mart tomorrow to stock up on lots of new food to fill the empty shelves.

My next shipment from Netrition.com will arrive on Saturday, and this time I ordered myself a three-pound box of CarbQuik, a Bisquick replacement with practically ZERO CARBS so a person with diabetes can make all kinds of fanastic crap sans flour, such as pancakes, biscuits, chicken & dumplings, even no-carb gravy. Glorioski, people, this is HUGE.

I even found a blog with tons of great recipes, including a “pizza casserole” I can throw together with all those convenient freeze-dried whatnots from Thrive — ground beef, onions and bell pepper — plus low-carb pasta sauce, cheese and a CarbQuik batter on top that bakes up like a fluffy, voluminous crust. (Visualize an upside-down pan pizza.) I’m so excited I might have to wait outside for the FedEx truck!

For your possible interest here are the latest additions to my font collection. (Stop laughing.) It is important to note that I’m still replacing the hundreds — probably thousands — of fonts that vanished a week ago when my computer had a stroke. (The patient has recovered.)

And finally, as the year draws to a close here are the Howdygram’s top recommendations for The Crappiest New Foods of 2012.

Pictured above are Bird Crap chicken seasoning, Buffalo Wing Soda (God help us), My Little Pony pasta from Heinz and four varieties of Cracker Jack’D, a new line of caffeinated snacks for adults because we obviously don’t get enough stimulation from coffee or Cheez-Its.

Have a pleasant evening. Thank you.