If men were the childbearing gender of our species, abortion would be legal, free and sacred.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning sneezing my fool head off. Because it’s difficult to sleep through a prolonged sneezegasm attack and the resulting nasal clog issues (translation: my head feels like concrete), I decided to haul myself out of bed, drink a peach phosphate and read the latest news about Rick “Einstein” Perry, the medieval right-wing governor of Texas. This time we’ll review Ricky-Boy’s announcement on December 11 that he’s throwing his full support behind a yet-to-be-filed “fetal pain” bill that’s based on questionable but church-approved science. And I use the term “science” loosely here.

Perry said yesterday in his speech to a Jesus-based clinic for women: “This session I’m calling on the legislature to strengthen our ban on the procedure, prohibiting abortion at the point a baby can feel the pain of being killed. We have an obligation to end that kind of cruelty. We will not stand idly by while the unborn are going through the agony of having their lives ended.”

Holy mother of crap. I CAN’T STAND THIS GUY.

With critical statewide budget shortfalls, deteriorating highways and education funding in a shambles, Governor Einstein’s biggest concern continues to be a clump of accidental cells in a woman’s uterus. Somebody should give him a copy of the memo that family planning, birth control and abortion — all of which have been legal medical services in the United States for decades — ARE NONE OF HIS DAMN BUSINESS. It’s not his uterus, it’s MINE. Trust me: if men were the childbearing gender of our species, abortion would be legal, free and sacred.

I need to calm down now. I’m all knotted-up.

Today’s agenda at Howdygram headquarters will include: 1) an ongoing laundry marathon featuring socks, underwear and way too many robes; 2) our biweekly Schwan’s delivery; 3) watching episode two of The Thorn Birds that I recorded last night; 4) making a pot of Marcy’s Five-Minute Stupid Soup; and 5) I can’t think of anything else.

I’ll post my recipe for Stupid Soup in a few minutes so don’t go away. Thank you.