Eatzi’s: the only place to shop for a “couch picnic.”

Guess what we did yesterday. Sam and I both woke up at 5:30 in the morning STARVING so we went to Denny’s for a pre-dawn breakfast adventure, during which Sam ordered a nice little omelet and I had a hamburger. This was almost like being back in college except for the cane propped up against my chair and the fact that we asked for our senior citizen discount.

About 12 hours later we drove into Dallas to gawk at Christmas lights in the Highland Park neighborhood but I think we were a couple of weeks too early because all the houses still looked like Scrooge lived there. So we wound up at Eatzi’s — we love Eatzi’s! — to load up on wonderful Sunday night noshy crap, which included: 1) hummus; 2) Greek olives; 3) a container of unidentifiable yet colorful dip; 4) cole slaw; 5) two kinds of house-made salami; 6) a slab of havarti cheese with dill; 7) a twice-baked potato large enough to be mistaken for sports equipment; and 8) a loaf of rye bread. Items 7 and 8 are Sam’s private property because I’m diabetic and can’t eat 2,500 carbs any more just for fun. (But at least I get to watch.)

The fun here never ends. A few days ago I mentioned my three deadbeat Ovation Creative clients whose credit cards were declined last week for a routine monthly web hosting payment. I emailed first notices and second notices to all of them. One finally responded on Sunday afternoon with a tale about somebody stealing his Visa and using it to shop at Bloomingdales, and then sent a second email five minutes later with a new credit card number ... and that one was declined, too! If this stupid dude wasn’t in South Carolina I’d kick him in the pants. Instead I’ll just add a $2.50 service fee to his monthly hosting payment and continue threatening his life long-distance.

The other two clients are ignoring me. They’ll be sorry.

You know what? I’ve been gypped. I’m searching online for Hanukkah background photos today so I can make holiday cards and almost all of them include pictures of JELLY DOUGHNUTS. Jelly doughnuts? Did you ever get jelly doughnuts on Hanukkah? What the hell? Not once in my entire life did anybody ever give me jelly doughnuts for Hanukkah, and NOW IT’S TOO DAMN LATE BECAUSE I HAVE DIABETES. This sucks and I thought you should know. Thank you.

It’s nearly 7 p.m., and before I run out of time and motivation I think I’d better get busy with all the important projects I’ve been postponing today. Making the bed is included on this list. (Stop laughing. Better late than never, right?)

Shalom.