Holiday greetings from the Howdygram!

Shalom, ho-ho-ho and Merry Christmas from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! Sam is asleep and I’m waiting up for Santa with TicTacs, a Marcytini and an assortment of individually-wrapped sugar-free Russell Stover chocolates. Marshmallows are my favorite, but I ran out of those last night so I’m currently working my way through a bag of truffles. The caramels are next.

There’s a ton of crappy weather on the way. A big fat cold front is scheduled to roll in around 6 a.m. with wind and horizontal rain changing over to snow by late afternoon when the temperature plummets into the 20s. We’re not expecting much snow accumulation — probably an inch or less — but that’s still considered a major winter weather event around here and the city of Dallas already has its plows on standby to clear the roads of all those terrifying flurries.

Sam and I watched a cringeworthy TV miniseries rerun last night on Encore ... a wannabe Biblical “epic” called Noah’s Ark from 1999 starring Jon Voight and Mary Steenburgen. Aside from the fact that nobody apparently bothered to research any actual Bible passages for this convoluted mess, the script, comical score and acting were so appalling that 45 minutes into the movie I thought I was watching a Monty Python spoof. The voice of God reminded me of Tony Randall; Noah’s three sons are British delinquents who fly kites.

Incidentally, the dude on the right pretending to be Captain Jack Sparrow is F. Murray Abraham as “Noah’s best friend Lot.” The producers failed to grasp that Lot doesn’t appear in the Bible until 300 years after Noah’s death, and he wasn’t a pal or a pirate, he was a descendant.

Lot also didn’t wear pink velvet sweatshirts or an eye patch. HOLY CRAP.

Part two is on tonight, so stay tuned for an in-depth review of the big flood. (No pun intended.)

In case you were worried that I didn’t download any additional new fonts yesterday, I’ll put your mind at ease. Here they are!

It’s 2:15 a.m. and there’s a huge thunderstorm plowing through here. I’ll include a weather map for your possible interest so you can see what’s going on. The pink pin with an asterisk denotes Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in, I’m the senior citizen in a blue bathrobe with glasses.

Just between us, I don’t know how Sam is sleeping through this hoo-hah because he loves storms and usually jumps out of bed at the first rumble of thunder. (Maybe I’ll wake him up. He won’t get mad if I bring a muffin with me.) I wonder if Santa has been delayed.

Thank you for reading this.