I’m considering GPS microchips to keep track of Sam’s energetic wardrobe.

It’s after 2 a.m. and I’m sitting at my desk choking on a Russell Stover sugar-free caramel. This wasn’t a very good idea. The damn thing is plastered to the roof of my mouth.

There’s been some breaking news in the mysterious disappearance of Sam’s favorite jeans (see previous post), which you can read for yourself in the classified below. For the record, we don’t know how they got there and we don’t think they’ve ever hidden there before.

I’m considering GPS microchips to keep track of Sam’s sneaky wardrobe so I can monitor his sweatshirts, pajamas, Dockers and socks. They’re always trying to get away.

(I sincerely hope a mental health professional isn’t reading this.)

Please plan a quick trip to the bathroom before you watch the two videos posted below. The first is Yoko Ono, who’s almost 80 years old, sharing what I’m sure she thinks are impressive vocal abilities. The second is an Einstein demonstrating the fastest way possible to eat an ear of corn. I wonder if this could work for egg rolls.

Because TCM is showing practically no Christmas movies whatsoever this year — a programming decision that’s left me severely despondent — the Howdygram would like to recommend a number of fine replacement films coming up during the next few days. Please plan to set your DVR to record any or all of the following. (The times shown below are central.)

• An Andy Hardy marathon beginning at 7 p.m. on December 25, including Love Finds Andy Hardy (1938), Andy Hardy Gets Spring Fever (1939), Andy Hardy Meets Debutante (1940) plus three more. Starring Mickey Rooney, Lewis Stone and the familiar cast of Hardy family characters.
• Annie Oakley (1935) at 3 a.m. on December 27. Starring Barbara Stanwyck, Melvyn Douglas and Preston Foster.
• The Bishop Murder Case (1930) at 8:15 a.m. on December 29. A creepy early talkie whodunit starring Basil Rathbone and Roland Young. If for no other reason, this one’s worth watching for the stupid decor and exaggerated sound effects.

It’s almost 3 a.m. and I think going to bed sounds like a really good idea because I’m so tired I almost feel inebriated. Thank you for reading this!