Curly, Moe and Larry go to court.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday for one reason and one reason only: I just couldn’t get motivated. I’m still redesigning my Ovation Creative website and try to get back to it every time I have a couple of hours with nothing else to do, which actually happens a LOT around here. In-between I spent most of the afternoon involved in three additional worthwhile projects: 1) watching old movies; 2) taking a nap; and 3) eating.

One of the old movies was Dangerous Blondes (1943) starring Evelyn Keyes, Allyn Joslyn and former silent-era leading man Edmund Lowe. Dangerous Blondes is your typical “suspense comedy” — imagine The Thin Man series with a B-list cast and shitty script — that’s rated in our U-Verse cable guide with THREE AND A HALF STARS. That’s the same rating they give Ben-Hur and a half-star higher than Lawrence of Arabia. Holy mother of crap. Can they be serious?

In the national news today is another story about convicted pedophile and child molester Jerry Sandusky. You know, the evil cretin who’s currently serving 60 years in federal prison for repeatedly abusing 10 boys over a period of 15 years.

Sandusky’s defense team, pictured below, will be in court today in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania, to launch an appeal that could — but certainly won’t — reverse his sentence and let him walk, and their reasons are borrowed from a Three Stooges script. Curly, Moe and Larry plan to argue that: 1) there was insufficient evidence to convict him; and 2) the court didn’t allow them enough time to prepare for trial after the prosecution flooded them with evidence.

Okay, so which is it? Insufficient evidence or TOO MUCH? To help me deal with the frustration I might have to make another batch of CarbQuik One-Step Biscuits this morning. This time I’m thinking about McDonald’s sausage biscuit knockoffs.

If you’d like to join me please send an email and let me know. You can either stop by before noon, after which they’ll certainly all be gone, or I’ll be glad to attach one to an email for you. Thank you for reading this.

The Dallas Cowboys should get sued for firing an employee who’s nine months pregnant.

As I sit here listening to a load of robes and underwear dancing in the dryer I’m reminded that I have a very nice life. This consists mostly of excellent old movies, Five-Minute Stupid Soup, frequent naps and the best husband on earth. (Not necessarily in that order.)

I’m at a loss to understand this. After no measurable precipitation in drought-stricken north Texas for MONTHS, half an hour after it started raining today we already had dire FLASH FLOOD WARNINGS all over the Internet and TV. The National Weather Service posted the following notice IN ALL CAPS on Weather.com: “FLASH FLOOD WARNING CONTINUES FOR ALL COUNTIES IN NORTH CENTRAL TEXAS. RAINFALL TOTALS OF 2 TO 4 INCHES WITH HIGHER AMOUNTS POSSIBLE. WIDESPREAD HEAVY RAINFALL TONIGHT AND WEDNESDAY WILL RESULT IN EXCESSIVE RUNOFF, LEADING TO FLOODED CREEKS, STREAMS, PONDS, DRY CREEK BEDS AND LOW WATER CROSSINGS.”

The pink asterisk on the map above denotes Howdygram headquarters. Don’t bother zooming in because I’m in the house waiting for Sam to float home from work.

I just read an article on MyHealthNewsDaily.com that drinking diet soda apparently is linked to DEPRESSION. The report is somewhat suspect, however, since researchers also revealed that diet drinks don’t actually cause depression and their findings can’t provide any substantiation for this claim whatsoever. The following is a direct quote: “They looked at more than 263,900 U.S. adults ages 50 to 71 who answered questions about their beverage consumption between the years 1995 and 1996. About 10 years later (from 2004 to 2006), the same people were asked if a doctor had diagnosed them with depression since the year 2000. People who regularly drank four or more cans of any type of soda a day were 30 percent more likely to have received a diagnosis of depression than people who did not drink soda.”

This is the dumbest pile of horseshit I’ve ever read. I’d be willing to bet 30% of EVERYBODY in the 50 to 71 age group could be diagnosed with depression at some point, considering they’re all getting old, suffering through menopause or erectile dysfunction, their parents are dying and nobody can zip last year’s jeans. Holy crap, does somebody really earn money for research like this? Why not assume that U.S. adults using underarm deodorant or driving four-door sedans in 1995 would be depressed 10 years later?

Our final thought comes from the world of sports, where Dallas Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan got sacked today after his second consecutive crappy season. Personally, I think the Cowboys management should get sued for firing an employee who’s nine months pregnant.

Sam just got home, so it’s time to eat snacks and hang out in the family room for a couple of hours. Thank you for reading this.

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. But in a good way.

Here’s some great news. This post will NOT include recipes, food commentary or portraits of low-carb biscuits, lasagna or salmon patties. I promise.

I spent most of the day on Monday redesigning my Ovation Creative website. I’m finally making progress and I love the new look, but there’s so much work left to do that sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. But in a good way.

Even though they have the worst track record on earth and I’d be an idiot to believe them, the meteorologists lying sacks of poo at Weather.com are forecasting TWO STRAIGHT DAYS OF VERY HEAVY RAIN — three or more inches! — for drought-stricken north Texas starting today around noon. I’m looking forward to this, people. I never leave the house, anyway, unless it involves opening the door for Chinese food or a UPS delivery. It’s a full life. I’ll fill my time today with soup and a few good movies, and if anybody wants to come over and help me fold socks the party starts at 8 p.m. Click here to reserve your seat on the couch. Thank you in advance.

Holy crap, it’s 3 a.m. and I have to go to bed. Shut the light when you’re done here, okay?

Today’s menu includes hot wads of dough with butter.

Good morning, people! I just canceled my 10 a.m. haircut appointment for a couple of solid reasons: 1) it’s too cold outside; and 2) I don’t feel like wearing a brassiere. I didn’t bother to reschedule because the weather probably won’t warm up around here for at least another month. In the meantime I might have to cut my own bangs with a cuticle scissors. Stop laughing.

Here’s some breaking news from the Howdygram Test Kitchens … I made my first-ever batch of CarbQuik ONE-STEP BISCUITS last night! This was as easy as I’d hoped and they turned out just great even though I had to improvise a little because I don’t own a KitchenAid stand mixer with expensive attachments. So I dumped the water and CarbQuick into my bread machine instead, and 90 seconds later I had PERFECT BISCUIT DOUGH.

Here’s the recipe in case you’re interested. You need 2 cups of CarbQuik baking mix (it’s a low-carb knockoff of Bisquick) and ⅔ cup of water. Blend it into a nice soft ball of dough, drop the dough by spoonfuls onto an ungreased cookie sheet and bake for 12 or 13 minutes in a preheated 350° oven. They should turn out exactly like the picture below, although yours might look slightly different if you don’t own yellow plates. This recipe makes eight big biscuits with only 1.5 carbs each.

It’s my plan to make another batch today except this time with ¼ cup of shredded cheddar cheese added to the dough recipe and maybe a pinch of onion salt.

In case you’re wondering why I’m making such a gigantic hoo-hah about this, it’s because I have diabetes and haven’t been able to enjoy hot wads of dough with butter for years without getting into a panic about my blood sugar numbers. Holy crap. THIS IS HEAVEN. If I had a full-time job I would call in sick right now with a fake sore throat and spend the whole damn day eating biscuits in the family room! (If you think I’m kidding, you don’t know me very well.)

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

A nice way to consume little pouches of salmon.

It doesn’t get much easier than this. If you’re into salmon patties — hey, who isn’t? — you’ll absolutely LOVE these!

• 10 oz. salmon
• 2 eggs
• pinch of dehydrated onion flakes
• salt and pepper to taste
• 5 tablespoons CarbQuik baking mix
• oil for frying

Mix the salmon, eggs, onion flakes, salt, pepper and CarbQuik. Heat oil in a large frying pan and spoon mixture into 4 large patties. Brown on both sides. These taste great with a wad of optional tartar sauce and a little dish of Vlasic sugar-free sweet pickles.

I recommend using Chicken of the Sea or Bumble Bee salmon in those convenient little pouches. (I buy mine by the case from Amazon.)

Please eat this really good low-carb lasagna wannabe.

Here’s the first of my recipes featuring CarbQuik baking mix from Netrition.com, the Bisquick knockoff with 90% fewer carbs. CarbQuik is my new best friend.

I made this Low-Carb Lasagna Pie for dinner tonight, and it would have been an over-the-moon winner if I hadn’t added salt twice by mistake. We still loved it but next time it will be perfect and we won’t need a gallon of water standing by.

• 1 cup ricotta cheese
• ¼ cup grated parmesan cheese
• 1 lb. ground beef, browned and drained
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese, divided
• 1 cup pasta sauce (I use low-carb Bella Vita)
• 1 cup unflavored Almond Breeze almond milk
• 2 eggs
• ⅔ cup CarbQuik
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ¼ teaspoon pepper

Preheat your oven to 375°. Spray an 8-inch square glass baking pan with Pam and set aside.

Layer ricotta and parmesan cheese in prepared pan. Mix cooked beef, pasta sauce and ½ cup of the mozzarella; spoon evenly over top. Beat milk, eggs, CarbQuik, salt and pepper with an electric mixer for one minute until smooth. Pour into pan. Bake until golden brown and a knife inserted in center comes out clean, 35 to 40 minutes. Sprinkle remaining mozzarella on top and let stand for 5 minutes.

Incidentally, I use Thrive Freeze-Dried Ground Beef for this recipe. (Actually, I use it for every recipe.) It rehydrates in five minutes and you don’t have to stand over a frying pan for half an hour hacking up a brick of frozen meat. I strongly recommend that you give it a try. Thank you and bon appetit.

Kitchen news from your low-carb Aunt Bee.

While Sam is at Wal-Mart buying emergency groceries I thought I’d get started on a long-overdue Howdygram post because you’re probably wondering where the hell I’ve been. The answer to that, actually, would be ASLEEP. Following a nice lunch at Alfredo’s in Forney and a long drive in the country waving at cattle, Sam and I collapsed into bed and slept for TWO HOURS. In case you’re interested, the aforementioned emergency groceries include: 1) cookies; 2) sugar-free Cool Whip; 3) butter; 4)  jumbo eggs; and 5) Drumstick ice cream cones.

I’ve got breaking news from the Howdygram Test Kitchen ... last night’s Salmon Patties (read my earlier post) turned out SWELL. This was the first time I ever used CarbQuik, that low-carb Bisquick knockoff I ordered from Netrition, and you’d never know the difference. Tonight’s entree will be CarbQuik Lasagna Pie because I’ve got a frightening quantity of ricotta cheese in the fridge. It’s my goal to post both recipes sometime this weekend, but please try to continue your normal routine in the meantime, okay?

Since I’m suddenly turning into a low-carb version of Aunt Bee making all kinds of meals from scratch I decided to invest in some basic storage equipment to hold my CarbQuik flour, granulated Splenda and dehydrated whatnots. I found a great deal on glass Montana Jar canisters from Anchor Hocking’s website — 80% off! — and ordered three different yet practical sizes, the largest being 1½ gallons. 

Initially I thought I wanted stainless steel but couldn’t find any online with decent customer reviews. Comments ran the gamut from “too many fingerprints,” “over-priced,” “sharp edges” and “shitty lids that don’t seal” to “absolutely not worth the money,” so I decided to buy glass instead because a person can’t go wrong with glass. I also ordered a large volume of Splenda with fiber (who knew?) and a cheap yet attractive retro sugar dispenser from Amazon.

To round off a perfect evening of eating and shopping I also downloaded the following free fonts from a variety of different sources:

I’d better get started on my CarbQuik Lasagna Pie. If this turns out to be another hit you can come over next time and eat some with us. For now you’ll just have to figure out your own dinner, okay?

I don’t have enough Splenda or vanilla in the pantry. I feel surprisingly despondent about this.

There’s a big hoo-hah happening today at Howdygram headquarters! Here, in no particular order whatsoever, are the latest breaking news stories: 1) I finally picked a new color palette for Ovation Creative; 2) I’m making biscuits and salmon patties for dinner; and 3) I’ve got a haircut appointment on Monday with a stylist named “Ambyr” whose name leads me to believe that her real job probably involves porn. Details follow concerning items one and two. Item three should be self-explanatory.

Regarding item one, I’ve been obsessed with this baloney for almost a month and it’s a relief to have finally made a decision so I can redesign my website and move on with my life already. Yee-haw, hallelujah and holy crap! Regarding item two, the delivery I got today from Netrition.com included a huge box of CarbQuik, the low-carb Bisquick knockoff that I mentioned a few days ago. I’ve been collecting all kinds of fabulous CarbQuik recipes online that I can’t wait to try, but at the top of my list are Salmon Patties — I love salmon things! — and the One-Step Drop Biscuits — I love biscuits, too! — printed on the back of the box. I figure it can’t get much easier than one stinking step, right? If they’re good I’ll try to save a few for Sam but I’m not promising anything.

Other excellent CarbQuik recipes on my list include Chicken Pot Pie, Upside-Down Pizza, Easy Cheesecake (no crust!), Lasagna Pie and a Breakfast Casserole that sounds a lot like a big poofy quiche. I’d love to make the Easy Cheesecake tonight for dessert but I don’t have enough Splenda or vanilla in the pantry. I feel surprisingly despondent about this.

Now that I’m hungry enough to eat moose kabobs I guess it’s time to sign off, inject some insulin and haul my ass into the kitchen. Thank you for reading this!

Introducing our 2012 Slimeball Hall of Fame.

If you were taking odds that I wouldn’t write a post today, YOU LOSE. While I sit here figuring out what I want for dinner I thought I’d share the latest crapola from Howdygram headquarters.

Before I forget, since nobody successfully identified the two classic movie stars from my post on December 27 I’ll reveal their names for you below.

Because there was no winner I’ll just have to keep the BIG VALUABLE PRIZE for myself. No hard feelings and better luck next time, okay?

And now I’m pleased to present the Howdygram’s 2012 Slimeball Hall of Fame, featuring eight sickening hotshots who made me want stab myself in the head with an ice pick at various times throughout the past year.

These sickening hotshots are listed in no particular order whatsoever ...

• Todd Akin. The GOP’s gift to late-night comedy claimed during his campaign for a Senate seat in Missouri that in the case of “legitimate rape” a woman’s body had ways to prevent pregnancy, concluding that abortion even for rape victims should denied because they’re obviously lying. Akin’s hard-core, logic-defying, anti-abortion rhetoric guaranteed a comfortable win by Democratic incumbent Claire McCaskill and inflicted huge damage to the Republican Party for being anti-woman. (Thank you, Todd.)
• Rod “Hairdo” Blagojevich. In March the former governor of Illinois began serving a juicy 14-year sentence at the Federal Correctional Institute in Englewood, Colorado, for conspiracy, racketeering and fraud, still insisting he was targeted by the FBI for “fighting the crooks in a crooked system.” To his credit, however, as governor Blagojevich gave free bus rides to senior citizens.
• Donald Trump. America’s most obnoxious racist blowhard promised to up-end the presidential election with an “October surprise,” dropping frequent hints that he had photocopies of the Obamas’ fictional divorce papers from an earlier decade. In reality, Trump’s surprise was to challenge the President with a $5 million gift to the charity of his choice if he produced his passport application and college transcripts, which seemed to the press and general public that Trump’s ultimate goal was blackmail or extortion. If that wasn’t bad enough, when President Obama won re-election on November 6 Trump fired off a series of grotesquely racist Tweets that claimed the election was a sham, a disaster for democracy and a disgusting injustice (see my earlier post). Talk about a sore loser!
• David Petraeus. Former military god and five-star general who got himself involved with an extramarital affair, social-climbing party girls in Tampa, Florida, and all kinds of convoluted email intrigue. Check out an earlier post with educational graphics.
• Jerry Sandusky. The child molester from Penn State will rot in hell after he serves 60 years in prison for abusing more than 15 million boys. (I might be exaggerating, but not by much.)
• Lance Armstrong. Disgraced Tour de France cycling champion was kicked to the curb and convicted of a career-long doping conspiracy. In one day, Lance Armstrong: 1) was erased from the record books; 2) stripped of his medals and awards; 3) lost all of his lucrative endorsement deals; and 4) was forced out of the cancer charity founded in his name. He’s not even allowed to ride a bike to the grocery store.
• Mitt Romney. Although I’m sure everything has already been said about the GOP’s human gaffe machine, I offer the following Romney quotes in case you need a reminder. To a heckler in Iowa who suggested that corporations should pay higher taxes: “Corporations are people, my friend. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people.” At a Beverly Hills fundraiser, wondering why you can’t crack a window at 35,000 feet: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem.” During a GOP primary debate: “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.” And ... “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.” Plus the ultimate gaffe ... Romney’s secretly-recorded remarks at a donor banquet: “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what ... who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” HOLY CRAP. Did America dodge a bullet, or what?
• Rick Santorum. The GOP’s scariest presidential candidate, bar none. Santorum is a homophobic misogynist whose platform was based on his belief that TOO MUCH BIRTH CONTROL is the number one problem facing Americans today.

And now I’d better find something speedy to eat for dinner before I conk out! Thanks for stopping by.

Happy New Year, people!

It’s midnight at Howdygram headquarters, and as we limp into 2013 Sam and I would like to wish all of you a Happy New Year filled with good health, wonderful things and plenty of Mongolian chicken. We’ve had a quiet evening at home (as usual) with some fine movies and leftovers.

Incidentally, the United States fell off the fiscal cliff last night. Sam and I landed safely on the sofa in our family room, where he ate a whole pumpkin pie for dinner with a can of whipped cream and fell asleep around 10:15; I enjoyed a bowl of tuna salad and watched After the Thin Man and The Apartment on TCM.

So far this fiscal cliff horseshit has been largely uneventful, although CNN.com is reporting that, according to Vice President Biden, an agreement has been reached but no vote will occur tonight in Congress. This is no surprise whatsoever. We wouldn’t expect the blowhards in Congress to actually do something.

For your possible interest I managed to tear myself away from the Howdygram’s holiday festivities tonight to purchase the following fantastic crap from Wal-Mart.com. This included three cans of Folger’s hazelnut coffee, three cans of Folger’s French vanilla, two bottles of Equate Arthritis Pain Reliever — best pain reliever EVER — and two packages of very cheap Ziploc round storage containers.

Thank you, as always, for reading this.

Congress still makes me sick.

It’s 7 a.m. Monday morning. I just woke up and checked the headlines on CNN.com, and guess what: CONGRESS STILL MAKES ME SICK.

As long as I’m ready to hurl this seems like the perfect segue into the latest scoop about national embarrassment Kim Kardashian, who was featured briefly in my last post, and her boyfriend-of-the-week, rapper Kanye West. THEY’RE PREGNANT. Kim’s bimbo mother and siblings are Twittering their joy with frantic abandon, as this guarantees at least nine more months of unending media attention and a big cash heist at the end for baby pictures. I wonder why everybody tends to forget that Kim and her grotesquely-exaggerated assets (pictured at right) are still married to somebody else. Holy crap.

This is certainly no surprise whatsoever, but the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com got it wrong again and our 90% chance of heavy rain has all but disappeared. I’d ask Sam to take me out for dim sum but it’s 39° outside and drizzling, so I’ll make a pot of Five-Minute Stupid Soup instead and start hoping for spring. Lately I’ve been feeling — and walking — like the Tin Man. I’m serious.

Have a nice day, everybody. It’s almost 2013.

I hope underwear isn’t obsolete because I refuse to stop wearing mine.

A brief word about this fiscal cliff horseshit. CONGRESS MAKES ME SICK. I keep wondering why homicidal maniacs with assault weapons only show up at grammar schools and theaters. I’m just saying.

Tonight we’re waiting for rain here at Howdygram headquarters. It’s on the way for sure with a 90% chance starting around 5 a.m. and lasting all day Monday. Cold, crappy, bone-chilling, beautiful rain that we need DESPERATELY. In the meantime Sam and I ordered ourselves a pile of food from China City tonight because nothing says NFL football like egg rolls and Mongolian chicken. Unfortunately, the Washington Redskins trampled the Dallas Cowboys in a basically depressing game and blew us out of a slot in the playoffs ... not that we actually deserved to be there, quite honestly. Missing from the Cowboys’ roster tonight were teammates Josh Brent and Jerry Brown, for reasons indicated below.

Brent is responsible for Brown’s status due to a car wreck on December 8, whereby Brent was charged with intoxication manslaughter (translation: the dude was drunk). He’s not especially popular these days.

Sam is stretched out in the family room wrapped in Mister Furry — our gigantic faux mink throw — watching one of those Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I don’t know which one, but it doesn’t matter since they’re all the same and everybody has rotten teeth. It’s all a little too realistic for me.

From our I’ll Do Anything To Stay Famous department comes this photo of America’s reigning tramp Kim Kardashian, on her way into a Miami restaurant wearing a black elastic bra with a transparent skirt. The view from the front must have stopped traffic. I hope underwear isn’t obsolete because I refuse to stop wearing mine.

For months I’ve been on the lookout for wholesome family entertainment that doesn’t involve Turner Classic Movies, and I think I’ve finally found the answer. I just bought an ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH on Amazon! This isn’t one of those fancy-schmancy gadgets that your dentist tries to sell you for $99, though. It’s a $5 Spinbrush with a couple hundred five-star user reviews, so I ordered one for me and one for Sam plus a package of refills. Now we can stand at the sink together, hold hands and spin our teeth into breathtaking whiteness all at the same time. Holy crap, does this sound like fun, or what?

I have no idea what’s wrong with me tonight so maybe I’ll just inject some insulin and go to bed. Thank you for reading this.

Rick “Einstein” Perry wants to run for president again. Haven’t we been embarrassed enough?

To demonstrate to you what kind of strangely un-Jewish city this can be, the Dallas Morning News’ restaurant critic today named The Best Dish in Dallas 2012: SAUSAGE-STUFFED SUCKLING PIG from Private Social Restaurant. (Yes, that’s really the name of the restaurant.) She writes: “Chef Tiffany Derry went all-out on this one, stuffing incredibly flavorful suckling pig with house-made sausage and garnishing it with strands of fried pig’s ear.” Sure doesn’t sound very Hanukkah-friendly, does it?

The South shall rise again, people. Maybe sooner than you think. And I have this on very good authority, because Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry is making noise about attempting another presidential campaign in 2016. Oy, haven’t we been embarrassed enough yet?

While Texas’ House Speaker Joe Straus has traveled around the state insisting that lawmakers start tackling the essentials — public education, college accessiblity, water for cities and agriculture, roads and infrastructure — Perry clings instead to a rigid platform that holds down spending on necessities to promote his own extreme, right-wing agenda: A shitload of guns for everybody (including college campuses and school classrooms), private school vouchers, massive outdoor Christian prayer meetings and increasingly severe restrictions on women’s reproductive rights and access to health care. Tanene Allison, spokeswoman for the state Democratic Party, said Perry’s priorities are aimed at a narrow constituency and do nothing for a growing state and the needs of its people. Yup, that’s our Einstein. Governor Corndog claims to have national political ambitions — “America deserves a God-fearing Christian patriot in the White House!” — but also thinks Texas should secede from the United States. Welcome to Bubba’s School of Politics.

Personally, I think the most pressing need for this constituent is MORE FONTS. Below are the latest acquisitions here at Howdygram headquarters:

And now I’d like to highlight five celebrities who died in 2012. Pictured below are: 1) actor Larry Hagman, 81, and his eyebrows of distinction; 2) the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, 92, self-proclaimed messiah of the Unification Church, who died on June 25 but has not successfully risen from the grave as of this writing; 3) actor and TV host Gary Collins, 74, who died with no lips; 4) character actor Harry Carey, Jr., 91 (I seriously thought he was already dead); and 5) N. Joseph Woodland, age 91, co-inventor of the bar code.

It’s 11:15 p.m. here, and before I sign off for the night I think I should mention that FedEx just left a package on our front doorstep. I’m speechless. I knew I was expecting a delivery today, but when it hadn’t arrived by 7 I figured I’d have to wait until Monday. Wrong! A nice big carton of freeze-dried whatnots from Thrive is waiting for me in the kitchen!

I just realized something. Maybe Sam and I can go out for breakfast in the morning! I’m thinking about The Steak Angus in downtown Mesquite because they have a buffet and we love all-you-can-eat scrambled eggs. Thank you for reading this.

Another Frankenpizza from Asia.

It’s a cold, foggy Friday morning here at Howdygram headquarters. I keep playing with the idea of going back to bed for a while, but there’s not much point since I didn’t sleep very well last night and don’t especially want to start thrashing around again. So I’ll write a post instead. (Lucky you.)

Less than a week after writing about Pizza Hut Singapore’s picturesque “Double Sensation Pizza” (see post) I’m pleased to present the “Cheesy Opera Pizza” from Hong Kong, Pizza Hut’s frightening double-decker Frankenpizza that includes all of the following: “A twisted cheese crust base fully loaded with chicken, ham, beef, pork, tomato, oregano and red onion, topped with a smaller, thin-crust pizza with scallops, clam meat, peaches, mushrooms, red peppers and Japanese cucumber on pesto sauce with a drizzle of honey mustard.”

I’m sorry, people, but clams, peaches, pesto sauce and mustard are NOT a valid flavor profile, and it sounds more like a couple of stoners in Hong Kong decided to empty the refrigerator. Personally, I’ll stick with something a little more sophisticated: Loma Linda fake meat in a can.

Since I’m obviously writing a food-intensive Howdygram post I might as well throw in the following video clip. This is competitive eater Jamie “The Bear” McDonald plowing his way through the entire new Hobbit menu at Denny’s ... seven entrees, three desserts and a smoothie. Holy crap.

From our Only in Texas department comes the latest story about Big Tex, the Texas State Fair’s gigantic mascot statue that burned to a crisp back in October (see post). Apparently the State Fair’s P.R. Einsteins issued a Christmas letter from Big Tex to the general public, essentially ignoring the fact that he was fried beyond recognition down to his steel frame and suggesting instead that Tex is recovering at an upscale Texas spa (with Elvis!) and wants people to donate money to help defray the cost. Yes, there’s even a website.

It may (or may not, obviously) interest you to know that Big Tex got his start as a gigantic creepy Santa in Kerens, Texas, back in 1950. The State Fair bought him two years later and dressed him like a cowboy. That face is enough to scare the crap out of anybody.

And now I think I’ll shlep into the family room and wrap myself in an afghan. I’m FREEZING. Thank you for reading this.

A Bisquick knockoff, the nap from hell and breaking news from our Happy Homemaker department.

Hello, happy Thursday and welcome to Howdygramland! My kvetch du jour is an irritating case of nappus interruptus, during which I received three telephone calls from idiots trying to sell me stuff I don’t need. (And even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t buy it over the phone.) Today featured products were replacement windows, a roof and a home security system. As a result my luxurious afternoon nap lasted less than 18 minutes, at which time I gave up and hard-boiled a few eggs.

Breaking news from our Happy Homemaker department ... I CLEANED OUT THE REFRIGERATOR THIS MORNING! No kidding, I’m shocked by all the extra space in there now! I discarded three enormous sacks of useless and unexpected shitsky, including two unopened jars of capers, the Claussen pickles I bought when we moved into our house five years ago, half a can of cranberry sauce from Thanksgiving 2011, old yogurt, six kinds of honey mustard, unrecognizable cheese and something that used to be hummus.

Sam was mighty impressed. To celebrate, I’m sending him to Wal-Mart tomorrow to stock up on lots of new food to fill the empty shelves.

My next shipment from Netrition.com will arrive on Saturday, and this time I ordered myself a three-pound box of CarbQuik, a Bisquick replacement with practically ZERO CARBS so a person with diabetes can make all kinds of fanastic crap sans flour, such as pancakes, biscuits, chicken & dumplings, even no-carb gravy. Glorioski, people, this is HUGE.

I even found a blog with tons of great recipes, including a “pizza casserole” I can throw together with all those convenient freeze-dried whatnots from Thrive — ground beef, onions and bell pepper — plus low-carb pasta sauce, cheese and a CarbQuik batter on top that bakes up like a fluffy, voluminous crust. (Visualize an upside-down pan pizza.) I’m so excited I might have to wait outside for the FedEx truck!

For your possible interest here are the latest additions to my font collection. (Stop laughing.) It is important to note that I’m still replacing the hundreds — probably thousands — of fonts that vanished a week ago when my computer had a stroke. (The patient has recovered.)

And finally, as the year draws to a close here are the Howdygram’s top recommendations for The Crappiest New Foods of 2012.

Pictured above are Bird Crap chicken seasoning, Buffalo Wing Soda (God help us), My Little Pony pasta from Heinz and four varieties of Cracker Jack’D, a new line of caffeinated snacks for adults because we obviously don’t get enough stimulation from coffee or Cheez-Its.

Have a pleasant evening. Thank you.

Enter to win a valuable prize.

Here’s hoping all of you enjoyed your holiday. Our typical Jewish Christmas at Howdygram headquarters included: 1) a pile of back-to-back Andy Hardy movies; 2) sleet; 3) homemade tacos; 4) prolonged naps; and 5) a gigantic box of assorted muffins from Tom Thumb. I didn’t write a post yesterday because I was too busy with item 1. Sam tackled item 5 with no help from me whatsoever.

And now ... your last chance in 2012 to win a valuable prize from the Howdygram when you IDENTIFY BOTH CLASSIC MOVIE STARS pictured below! Just use the “click here” button to enter by email. The official entry deadline is midnight, New Year’s Eve, so get busy, figure it out and don’t horse around, okay? Thank you and good luck ...

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I have no idea why I’m awake at this hour. I got up at 3:15 with hot feet and decided to hang out at my desk until I feel normal and I’m ready to go back to bed. (P.S. — I’m almost ready.) In case you’re interested, the hot feet thing has to be related to diabetic neuropathy because there’s really no other explanation for weird crap like this. My other symptoms frequently include hot hands, shortness of breath, dizziness, difficulty swallowing, heartburn, diminished taste buds, plantar fasciitis, carpal tunnel syndrome, muscle cramps, numb fingers, gray hair and flat tires. (I might be kidding about the hair and tires.)

It’s just another day in Diabetesland. Thank you for reading this.

I’d kill for a marshamallow Santa today. Seriously.

Merry Christmas, people. I’m HUNGRY. I’ve been sitting here for half an hour trying to figure out what I want for lunch, and I think I just made a decision: I want a pot of my famous Five-Minute Stupid Soup! This time, though, I’ll prep for my next six pots of Stupid Soup all at the same time by making half a dozen Ziploc “soup kits” with all the dry ingredients so I won’t have to keep shlepping gallon cans of freeze-dried whatnots in and out of the pantry. Sam thinks I’m brilliant, but I think a better word might be lazy.

I’d kill for a marshamallow Santa today. Seriously.

Our slogan of the day: SLEET HAPPENS. As I write this post Sam is outside in a down parka and ski hat playing with snowflakes. The temperature is 33° and icy little particles are hurling from the sky. To prove my point I’m pleased to post the following two photographs taken less than five minutes ago.

Sam is running in and out of the house with nonstop weather proclamations — “I think it’s sticking! You should see this!” — because he’ll always be a little California kid at heart and gets hysterical at the sight of snow. He also doesn’t understand why none of the neighbors are outside playing. I think he forgets it’s Christmas and that nobody else really gives a crap about winter weather except him.

For the snow nerds among you I’ve got a shot of the current precipitation map from Weather.com. The pin with the asterisk indicates Howdygram headquarters.

We’re expecting strong wind, sleet and about two inches of snow here in the Dallas metro area, but there’s blizzard warning for southern Oklahoma and Wichita Falls, Texas. A REAL BLIZZARD!

As long as I’m posting photos, here’s a cute shot of my niece’s little boy Cooper shopping for pumpkins shortly before Halloween. At the time he was about 10 months old. If this kid gets any cuter I’ll have to eat him on a bagel.

As a reminder, there’s lots of quality TV tonight on cable in case you don’t have anything productive to do after dinner. I refer to the Andy Hardy marathon on TCM and the second half of Noah’s Ark on Encore, which I plan to watch with Sam, fluffy slippers and a jar of queso. Happy holidays to you and yours!

Holiday greetings from the Howdygram!

Shalom, ho-ho-ho and Merry Christmas from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! Sam is asleep and I’m waiting up for Santa with TicTacs, a Marcytini and an assortment of individually-wrapped sugar-free Russell Stover chocolates. Marshmallows are my favorite, but I ran out of those last night so I’m currently working my way through a bag of truffles. The caramels are next.

There’s a ton of crappy weather on the way. A big fat cold front is scheduled to roll in around 6 a.m. with wind and horizontal rain changing over to snow by late afternoon when the temperature plummets into the 20s. We’re not expecting much snow accumulation — probably an inch or less — but that’s still considered a major winter weather event around here and the city of Dallas already has its plows on standby to clear the roads of all those terrifying flurries.

Sam and I watched a cringeworthy TV miniseries rerun last night on Encore ... a wannabe Biblical “epic” called Noah’s Ark from 1999 starring Jon Voight and Mary Steenburgen. Aside from the fact that nobody apparently bothered to research any actual Bible passages for this convoluted mess, the script, comical score and acting were so appalling that 45 minutes into the movie I thought I was watching a Monty Python spoof. The voice of God reminded me of Tony Randall; Noah’s three sons are British delinquents who fly kites.

Incidentally, the dude on the right pretending to be Captain Jack Sparrow is F. Murray Abraham as “Noah’s best friend Lot.” The producers failed to grasp that Lot doesn’t appear in the Bible until 300 years after Noah’s death, and he wasn’t a pal or a pirate, he was a descendant.

Lot also didn’t wear pink velvet sweatshirts or an eye patch. HOLY CRAP.

Part two is on tonight, so stay tuned for an in-depth review of the big flood. (No pun intended.)

In case you were worried that I didn’t download any additional new fonts yesterday, I’ll put your mind at ease. Here they are!

It’s 2:15 a.m. and there’s a huge thunderstorm plowing through here. I’ll include a weather map for your possible interest so you can see what’s going on. The pink pin with an asterisk denotes Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in, I’m the senior citizen in a blue bathrobe with glasses.

Just between us, I don’t know how Sam is sleeping through this hoo-hah because he loves storms and usually jumps out of bed at the first rumble of thunder. (Maybe I’ll wake him up. He won’t get mad if I bring a muffin with me.) I wonder if Santa has been delayed.

Thank you for reading this.

I’m considering GPS microchips to keep track of Sam’s energetic wardrobe.

It’s after 2 a.m. and I’m sitting at my desk choking on a Russell Stover sugar-free caramel. This wasn’t a very good idea. The damn thing is plastered to the roof of my mouth.

There’s been some breaking news in the mysterious disappearance of Sam’s favorite jeans (see previous post), which you can read for yourself in the classified below. For the record, we don’t know how they got there and we don’t think they’ve ever hidden there before.

I’m considering GPS microchips to keep track of Sam’s sneaky wardrobe so I can monitor his sweatshirts, pajamas, Dockers and socks. They’re always trying to get away.

(I sincerely hope a mental health professional isn’t reading this.)

Please plan a quick trip to the bathroom before you watch the two videos posted below. The first is Yoko Ono, who’s almost 80 years old, sharing what I’m sure she thinks are impressive vocal abilities. The second is an Einstein demonstrating the fastest way possible to eat an ear of corn. I wonder if this could work for egg rolls.

Because TCM is showing practically no Christmas movies whatsoever this year — a programming decision that’s left me severely despondent — the Howdygram would like to recommend a number of fine replacement films coming up during the next few days. Please plan to set your DVR to record any or all of the following. (The times shown below are central.)

• An Andy Hardy marathon beginning at 7 p.m. on December 25, including Love Finds Andy Hardy (1938), Andy Hardy Gets Spring Fever (1939), Andy Hardy Meets Debutante (1940) plus three more. Starring Mickey Rooney, Lewis Stone and the familiar cast of Hardy family characters.
• Annie Oakley (1935) at 3 a.m. on December 27. Starring Barbara Stanwyck, Melvyn Douglas and Preston Foster.
• The Bishop Murder Case (1930) at 8:15 a.m. on December 29. A creepy early talkie whodunit starring Basil Rathbone and Roland Young. If for no other reason, this one’s worth watching for the stupid decor and exaggerated sound effects.

It’s almost 3 a.m. and I think going to bed sounds like a really good idea because I’m so tired I almost feel inebriated. Thank you for reading this!