Big Tex is toast. Seriously.

Holy crap and glorioski! Tell your friends! I WON A $50 SCHWAN’S GIFT CARD TODAY! A few months ago Schwan’s figured out I had too much time on my hands and invited me to join their Customer Connection focus group and share my opinions on a wide variety of mostly meaningless topics, such as do I think more noodles would improve their Beef Goulash — for the record, I suggested more beef — and please rate our Pot Roast on a scale from 1 to 10. Every month the company rewards a couple of focus group volunteers with $50 gift cards, and today it was my turn. This is so exciting I can’t stand it. FREE FOOD!

I’ve got sad and breaking news from Texas tonight. BIG TEX IS TOAST. Seriously. The beloved mascot of the Texas State Fair burned to a crisp this morning due to crappy electrical wiring in his boot. Big Tex, who was certifiably strange and goony, stood at the entrance to the fairgrounds in south Dallas and frightened fairgoers for 60 years. I can only imagine how the sight of a five-story dummy in flames will add to that legacy.

I’m noshing on a fun and exciting snack as I write this post! I refer to Lowrey’s Pork Rinds, which come in little bags like microwave popcorn and all you do is nuke them for 90 seconds until they puff up like big pillows. These things are AMAZING as a salty/crunchy snack food for low-carb dieters like me. One bag gives you 10 grams of protein with only 1 carb and 2 grams of unsaturated fat. In the salty-crunchy universe, that’s pretty damn wonderful. Although nothing will EVER take the place of Cheetos.

Incidentally, you can order Lowrey’s Pork Rinds from Amazon ... a carton of 18 bags is $18.99 with your choice of hot & spicy or regular. (I bought the hot & spicy. They’re pretty tame.)

I’m having fake meat in a can for dinner tonight if you’d like to join me. The complete menu will include a large quantity of Saucettes browned in a frying pan, a nice little pile of leftover vegetables and pork rinds for dessert because I forgot to make pudding. Please RSVP here.

Thank y’all for reading this.