Congress still makes me sick.

It’s 7 a.m. Monday morning. I just woke up and checked the headlines on CNN.com, and guess what: CONGRESS STILL MAKES ME SICK.

As long as I’m ready to hurl this seems like the perfect segue into the latest scoop about national embarrassment Kim Kardashian, who was featured briefly in my last post, and her boyfriend-of-the-week, rapper Kanye West. THEY’RE PREGNANT. Kim’s bimbo mother and siblings are Twittering their joy with frantic abandon, as this guarantees at least nine more months of unending media attention and a big cash heist at the end for baby pictures. I wonder why everybody tends to forget that Kim and her grotesquely-exaggerated assets (pictured at right) are still married to somebody else. Holy crap.

This is certainly no surprise whatsoever, but the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com got it wrong again and our 90% chance of heavy rain has all but disappeared. I’d ask Sam to take me out for dim sum but it’s 39° outside and drizzling, so I’ll make a pot of Five-Minute Stupid Soup instead and start hoping for spring. Lately I’ve been feeling — and walking — like the Tin Man. I’m serious.

Have a nice day, everybody. It’s almost 2013.

I hope underwear isn’t obsolete because I refuse to stop wearing mine.

A brief word about this fiscal cliff horseshit. CONGRESS MAKES ME SICK. I keep wondering why homicidal maniacs with assault weapons only show up at grammar schools and theaters. I’m just saying.

Tonight we’re waiting for rain here at Howdygram headquarters. It’s on the way for sure with a 90% chance starting around 5 a.m. and lasting all day Monday. Cold, crappy, bone-chilling, beautiful rain that we need DESPERATELY. In the meantime Sam and I ordered ourselves a pile of food from China City tonight because nothing says NFL football like egg rolls and Mongolian chicken. Unfortunately, the Washington Redskins trampled the Dallas Cowboys in a basically depressing game and blew us out of a slot in the playoffs ... not that we actually deserved to be there, quite honestly. Missing from the Cowboys’ roster tonight were teammates Josh Brent and Jerry Brown, for reasons indicated below.

Brent is responsible for Brown’s status due to a car wreck on December 8, whereby Brent was charged with intoxication manslaughter (translation: the dude was drunk). He’s not especially popular these days.

Sam is stretched out in the family room wrapped in Mister Furry — our gigantic faux mink throw — watching one of those Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I don’t know which one, but it doesn’t matter since they’re all the same and everybody has rotten teeth. It’s all a little too realistic for me.

From our I’ll Do Anything To Stay Famous department comes this photo of America’s reigning tramp Kim Kardashian, on her way into a Miami restaurant wearing a black elastic bra with a transparent skirt. The view from the front must have stopped traffic. I hope underwear isn’t obsolete because I refuse to stop wearing mine.

For months I’ve been on the lookout for wholesome family entertainment that doesn’t involve Turner Classic Movies, and I think I’ve finally found the answer. I just bought an ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH on Amazon! This isn’t one of those fancy-schmancy gadgets that your dentist tries to sell you for $99, though. It’s a $5 Spinbrush with a couple hundred five-star user reviews, so I ordered one for me and one for Sam plus a package of refills. Now we can stand at the sink together, hold hands and spin our teeth into breathtaking whiteness all at the same time. Holy crap, does this sound like fun, or what?

I have no idea what’s wrong with me tonight so maybe I’ll just inject some insulin and go to bed. Thank you for reading this.

Rick “Einstein” Perry wants to run for president again. Haven’t we been embarrassed enough?

To demonstrate to you what kind of strangely un-Jewish city this can be, the Dallas Morning News’ restaurant critic today named The Best Dish in Dallas 2012: SAUSAGE-STUFFED SUCKLING PIG from Private Social Restaurant. (Yes, that’s really the name of the restaurant.) She writes: “Chef Tiffany Derry went all-out on this one, stuffing incredibly flavorful suckling pig with house-made sausage and garnishing it with strands of fried pig’s ear.” Sure doesn’t sound very Hanukkah-friendly, does it?

The South shall rise again, people. Maybe sooner than you think. And I have this on very good authority, because Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry is making noise about attempting another presidential campaign in 2016. Oy, haven’t we been embarrassed enough yet?

While Texas’ House Speaker Joe Straus has traveled around the state insisting that lawmakers start tackling the essentials — public education, college accessiblity, water for cities and agriculture, roads and infrastructure — Perry clings instead to a rigid platform that holds down spending on necessities to promote his own extreme, right-wing agenda: A shitload of guns for everybody (including college campuses and school classrooms), private school vouchers, massive outdoor Christian prayer meetings and increasingly severe restrictions on women’s reproductive rights and access to health care. Tanene Allison, spokeswoman for the state Democratic Party, said Perry’s priorities are aimed at a narrow constituency and do nothing for a growing state and the needs of its people. Yup, that’s our Einstein. Governor Corndog claims to have national political ambitions — “America deserves a God-fearing Christian patriot in the White House!” — but also thinks Texas should secede from the United States. Welcome to Bubba’s School of Politics.

Personally, I think the most pressing need for this constituent is MORE FONTS. Below are the latest acquisitions here at Howdygram headquarters:

And now I’d like to highlight five celebrities who died in 2012. Pictured below are: 1) actor Larry Hagman, 81, and his eyebrows of distinction; 2) the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, 92, self-proclaimed messiah of the Unification Church, who died on June 25 but has not successfully risen from the grave as of this writing; 3) actor and TV host Gary Collins, 74, who died with no lips; 4) character actor Harry Carey, Jr., 91 (I seriously thought he was already dead); and 5) N. Joseph Woodland, age 91, co-inventor of the bar code.

It’s 11:15 p.m. here, and before I sign off for the night I think I should mention that FedEx just left a package on our front doorstep. I’m speechless. I knew I was expecting a delivery today, but when it hadn’t arrived by 7 I figured I’d have to wait until Monday. Wrong! A nice big carton of freeze-dried whatnots from Thrive is waiting for me in the kitchen!

I just realized something. Maybe Sam and I can go out for breakfast in the morning! I’m thinking about The Steak Angus in downtown Mesquite because they have a buffet and we love all-you-can-eat scrambled eggs. Thank you for reading this.

Another Frankenpizza from Asia.

It’s a cold, foggy Friday morning here at Howdygram headquarters. I keep playing with the idea of going back to bed for a while, but there’s not much point since I didn’t sleep very well last night and don’t especially want to start thrashing around again. So I’ll write a post instead. (Lucky you.)

Less than a week after writing about Pizza Hut Singapore’s picturesque “Double Sensation Pizza” (see post) I’m pleased to present the “Cheesy Opera Pizza” from Hong Kong, Pizza Hut’s frightening double-decker Frankenpizza that includes all of the following: “A twisted cheese crust base fully loaded with chicken, ham, beef, pork, tomato, oregano and red onion, topped with a smaller, thin-crust pizza with scallops, clam meat, peaches, mushrooms, red peppers and Japanese cucumber on pesto sauce with a drizzle of honey mustard.”

I’m sorry, people, but clams, peaches, pesto sauce and mustard are NOT a valid flavor profile, and it sounds more like a couple of stoners in Hong Kong decided to empty the refrigerator. Personally, I’ll stick with something a little more sophisticated: Loma Linda fake meat in a can.

Since I’m obviously writing a food-intensive Howdygram post I might as well throw in the following video clip. This is competitive eater Jamie “The Bear” McDonald plowing his way through the entire new Hobbit menu at Denny’s ... seven entrees, three desserts and a smoothie. Holy crap.

From our Only in Texas department comes the latest story about Big Tex, the Texas State Fair’s gigantic mascot statue that burned to a crisp back in October (see post). Apparently the State Fair’s P.R. Einsteins issued a Christmas letter from Big Tex to the general public, essentially ignoring the fact that he was fried beyond recognition down to his steel frame and suggesting instead that Tex is recovering at an upscale Texas spa (with Elvis!) and wants people to donate money to help defray the cost. Yes, there’s even a website.

It may (or may not, obviously) interest you to know that Big Tex got his start as a gigantic creepy Santa in Kerens, Texas, back in 1950. The State Fair bought him two years later and dressed him like a cowboy. That face is enough to scare the crap out of anybody.

And now I think I’ll shlep into the family room and wrap myself in an afghan. I’m FREEZING. Thank you for reading this.

A Bisquick knockoff, the nap from hell and breaking news from our Happy Homemaker department.

Hello, happy Thursday and welcome to Howdygramland! My kvetch du jour is an irritating case of nappus interruptus, during which I received three telephone calls from idiots trying to sell me stuff I don’t need. (And even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t buy it over the phone.) Today featured products were replacement windows, a roof and a home security system. As a result my luxurious afternoon nap lasted less than 18 minutes, at which time I gave up and hard-boiled a few eggs.

Breaking news from our Happy Homemaker department ... I CLEANED OUT THE REFRIGERATOR THIS MORNING! No kidding, I’m shocked by all the extra space in there now! I discarded three enormous sacks of useless and unexpected shitsky, including two unopened jars of capers, the Claussen pickles I bought when we moved into our house five years ago, half a can of cranberry sauce from Thanksgiving 2011, old yogurt, six kinds of honey mustard, unrecognizable cheese and something that used to be hummus.

Sam was mighty impressed. To celebrate, I’m sending him to Wal-Mart tomorrow to stock up on lots of new food to fill the empty shelves.

My next shipment from Netrition.com will arrive on Saturday, and this time I ordered myself a three-pound box of CarbQuik, a Bisquick replacement with practically ZERO CARBS so a person with diabetes can make all kinds of fanastic crap sans flour, such as pancakes, biscuits, chicken & dumplings, even no-carb gravy. Glorioski, people, this is HUGE.

I even found a blog with tons of great recipes, including a “pizza casserole” I can throw together with all those convenient freeze-dried whatnots from Thrive — ground beef, onions and bell pepper — plus low-carb pasta sauce, cheese and a CarbQuik batter on top that bakes up like a fluffy, voluminous crust. (Visualize an upside-down pan pizza.) I’m so excited I might have to wait outside for the FedEx truck!

For your possible interest here are the latest additions to my font collection. (Stop laughing.) It is important to note that I’m still replacing the hundreds — probably thousands — of fonts that vanished a week ago when my computer had a stroke. (The patient has recovered.)

And finally, as the year draws to a close here are the Howdygram’s top recommendations for The Crappiest New Foods of 2012.

Pictured above are Bird Crap chicken seasoning, Buffalo Wing Soda (God help us), My Little Pony pasta from Heinz and four varieties of Cracker Jack’D, a new line of caffeinated snacks for adults because we obviously don’t get enough stimulation from coffee or Cheez-Its.

Have a pleasant evening. Thank you.

Enter to win a valuable prize.

Here’s hoping all of you enjoyed your holiday. Our typical Jewish Christmas at Howdygram headquarters included: 1) a pile of back-to-back Andy Hardy movies; 2) sleet; 3) homemade tacos; 4) prolonged naps; and 5) a gigantic box of assorted muffins from Tom Thumb. I didn’t write a post yesterday because I was too busy with item 1. Sam tackled item 5 with no help from me whatsoever.

And now ... your last chance in 2012 to win a valuable prize from the Howdygram when you IDENTIFY BOTH CLASSIC MOVIE STARS pictured below! Just use the “click here” button to enter by email. The official entry deadline is midnight, New Year’s Eve, so get busy, figure it out and don’t horse around, okay? Thank you and good luck ...

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I have no idea why I’m awake at this hour. I got up at 3:15 with hot feet and decided to hang out at my desk until I feel normal and I’m ready to go back to bed. (P.S. — I’m almost ready.) In case you’re interested, the hot feet thing has to be related to diabetic neuropathy because there’s really no other explanation for weird crap like this. My other symptoms frequently include hot hands, shortness of breath, dizziness, difficulty swallowing, heartburn, diminished taste buds, plantar fasciitis, carpal tunnel syndrome, muscle cramps, numb fingers, gray hair and flat tires. (I might be kidding about the hair and tires.)

It’s just another day in Diabetesland. Thank you for reading this.

I’d kill for a marshamallow Santa today. Seriously.

Merry Christmas, people. I’m HUNGRY. I’ve been sitting here for half an hour trying to figure out what I want for lunch, and I think I just made a decision: I want a pot of my famous Five-Minute Stupid Soup! This time, though, I’ll prep for my next six pots of Stupid Soup all at the same time by making half a dozen Ziploc “soup kits” with all the dry ingredients so I won’t have to keep shlepping gallon cans of freeze-dried whatnots in and out of the pantry. Sam thinks I’m brilliant, but I think a better word might be lazy.

I’d kill for a marshamallow Santa today. Seriously.

Our slogan of the day: SLEET HAPPENS. As I write this post Sam is outside in a down parka and ski hat playing with snowflakes. The temperature is 33° and icy little particles are hurling from the sky. To prove my point I’m pleased to post the following two photographs taken less than five minutes ago.

Sam is running in and out of the house with nonstop weather proclamations — “I think it’s sticking! You should see this!” — because he’ll always be a little California kid at heart and gets hysterical at the sight of snow. He also doesn’t understand why none of the neighbors are outside playing. I think he forgets it’s Christmas and that nobody else really gives a crap about winter weather except him.

For the snow nerds among you I’ve got a shot of the current precipitation map from Weather.com. The pin with the asterisk indicates Howdygram headquarters.

We’re expecting strong wind, sleet and about two inches of snow here in the Dallas metro area, but there’s blizzard warning for southern Oklahoma and Wichita Falls, Texas. A REAL BLIZZARD!

As long as I’m posting photos, here’s a cute shot of my niece’s little boy Cooper shopping for pumpkins shortly before Halloween. At the time he was about 10 months old. If this kid gets any cuter I’ll have to eat him on a bagel.

As a reminder, there’s lots of quality TV tonight on cable in case you don’t have anything productive to do after dinner. I refer to the Andy Hardy marathon on TCM and the second half of Noah’s Ark on Encore, which I plan to watch with Sam, fluffy slippers and a jar of queso. Happy holidays to you and yours!

Holiday greetings from the Howdygram!

Shalom, ho-ho-ho and Merry Christmas from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! Sam is asleep and I’m waiting up for Santa with TicTacs, a Marcytini and an assortment of individually-wrapped sugar-free Russell Stover chocolates. Marshmallows are my favorite, but I ran out of those last night so I’m currently working my way through a bag of truffles. The caramels are next.

There’s a ton of crappy weather on the way. A big fat cold front is scheduled to roll in around 6 a.m. with wind and horizontal rain changing over to snow by late afternoon when the temperature plummets into the 20s. We’re not expecting much snow accumulation — probably an inch or less — but that’s still considered a major winter weather event around here and the city of Dallas already has its plows on standby to clear the roads of all those terrifying flurries.

Sam and I watched a cringeworthy TV miniseries rerun last night on Encore ... a wannabe Biblical “epic” called Noah’s Ark from 1999 starring Jon Voight and Mary Steenburgen. Aside from the fact that nobody apparently bothered to research any actual Bible passages for this convoluted mess, the script, comical score and acting were so appalling that 45 minutes into the movie I thought I was watching a Monty Python spoof. The voice of God reminded me of Tony Randall; Noah’s three sons are British delinquents who fly kites.

Incidentally, the dude on the right pretending to be Captain Jack Sparrow is F. Murray Abraham as “Noah’s best friend Lot.” The producers failed to grasp that Lot doesn’t appear in the Bible until 300 years after Noah’s death, and he wasn’t a pal or a pirate, he was a descendant.

Lot also didn’t wear pink velvet sweatshirts or an eye patch. HOLY CRAP.

Part two is on tonight, so stay tuned for an in-depth review of the big flood. (No pun intended.)

In case you were worried that I didn’t download any additional new fonts yesterday, I’ll put your mind at ease. Here they are!

It’s 2:15 a.m. and there’s a huge thunderstorm plowing through here. I’ll include a weather map for your possible interest so you can see what’s going on. The pink pin with an asterisk denotes Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in, I’m the senior citizen in a blue bathrobe with glasses.

Just between us, I don’t know how Sam is sleeping through this hoo-hah because he loves storms and usually jumps out of bed at the first rumble of thunder. (Maybe I’ll wake him up. He won’t get mad if I bring a muffin with me.) I wonder if Santa has been delayed.

Thank you for reading this.

I’m considering GPS microchips to keep track of Sam’s energetic wardrobe.

It’s after 2 a.m. and I’m sitting at my desk choking on a Russell Stover sugar-free caramel. This wasn’t a very good idea. The damn thing is plastered to the roof of my mouth.

There’s been some breaking news in the mysterious disappearance of Sam’s favorite jeans (see previous post), which you can read for yourself in the classified below. For the record, we don’t know how they got there and we don’t think they’ve ever hidden there before.

I’m considering GPS microchips to keep track of Sam’s sneaky wardrobe so I can monitor his sweatshirts, pajamas, Dockers and socks. They’re always trying to get away.

(I sincerely hope a mental health professional isn’t reading this.)

Please plan a quick trip to the bathroom before you watch the two videos posted below. The first is Yoko Ono, who’s almost 80 years old, sharing what I’m sure she thinks are impressive vocal abilities. The second is an Einstein demonstrating the fastest way possible to eat an ear of corn. I wonder if this could work for egg rolls.

Because TCM is showing practically no Christmas movies whatsoever this year — a programming decision that’s left me severely despondent — the Howdygram would like to recommend a number of fine replacement films coming up during the next few days. Please plan to set your DVR to record any or all of the following. (The times shown below are central.)

• An Andy Hardy marathon beginning at 7 p.m. on December 25, including Love Finds Andy Hardy (1938), Andy Hardy Gets Spring Fever (1939), Andy Hardy Meets Debutante (1940) plus three more. Starring Mickey Rooney, Lewis Stone and the familiar cast of Hardy family characters.
• Annie Oakley (1935) at 3 a.m. on December 27. Starring Barbara Stanwyck, Melvyn Douglas and Preston Foster.
• The Bishop Murder Case (1930) at 8:15 a.m. on December 29. A creepy early talkie whodunit starring Basil Rathbone and Roland Young. If for no other reason, this one’s worth watching for the stupid decor and exaggerated sound effects.

It’s almost 3 a.m. and I think going to bed sounds like a really good idea because I’m so tired I almost feel inebriated. Thank you for reading this!

The latest news from Diabetesland.

Ready for this one? After dinner last night I conked out in the family room for about an hour watching a cute Ernst Lubitsch musical called Monte Carlo (1930) starring Jeanette MacDonald and Jack Buchanan, and when I woke up around 8:30 I was feeling dazed and disoriented. Sam asked two or three times if he could do anything for me, but I said no and staggered into the study to check my blood sugar. It was 46. FORTY-SIX. That’s low enough to fall into the “holy-crap-get-me-a-doughnut” category, although I still had the wherewithal to show Sam the readout on my meter and eat a couple of glucose chewables to get myself back into normal range. Tonight’s featured flavor was pineapple.

I have to go to bed now. Please shut the lights when you’re done. Thank you.

With any luck Sam will finally get to experience his first genuine white-out. Oh boy!

Holy crap ... I forgot to include some breaking news in my last post! First, we’re expecting a TEENY BLIZZARD here on Christmas! Cold rain and high winds during the day (with a 70% chance of severe thunderstorms) will change over to ALL SNOW when the temperature starts to drop by late afternoon. Weather.com is forecasting blowing snow with poor visibility, which means with any luck Sam will finally get to experience his first genuine WHITE-OUT. Oh boy!

Second, I also forgot to post my latest new fonts. I sincerely apologize for the oversight.

As long as I’m on the subject, I added a new feature last night in the Howdygram’s sidebar column ... a list of MY FAVORITE FONT WEBSITES. Most offer their fonts for free, a few do not. I personally think the most gorgeous fonts on earth are sold by Hoefler & Frere-Jones, Veer.com and Letterhead Fonts. Maybe I should start saving my allowance. (Don’t tell Sam.)

Shalom.

The Russell Stover factory store is an ideal destination for a diabetic pilgrimage.

Because I’m frequently obsessed with this subject I’ve decided to do a mostly all-food Howdygram post this afternoon!

I guess you can think of it like a pizza in a pizza in a pizza. Pizza Hut Singapore calls it their “Double Sensation Pizza” just in time for Christmas dinner with a scary list of nauseating ingredients: “Two unique crusts, one stuffed with cheesy sausage and another with 3-flavor cheese, topped with succulent smoked chicken and rolls of turkey ham lunch meat on two tantalizing sauces – Pepper Alfredo and Salsa.”

Judging from the image posted above, other ingredients include sliced zucchini, red and green bell pepper, mushrooms, cheese nipples and elves. Yes, there’s a maraschino cherry on top. The only thing missing is Pepto Bismol.

From the Wonderful World of Alcohol comes a new product line by Devotion Vodka scheduled for release in 2013: Shaquille O’Neil’s “Luv Shaq” flavored vodkas, which are sugar-free and gluten-free for health-conscious drunks and athletes. An article in the New York Post says the bottles will feature a sexy image of O’Neal with giant wings. Holy crap. Gouge my eyes out.

And finally, I can’t help shaking my head in amazement at the latest failure in Congress as Speaker of the House John Boehner gets kicked to the curb by practically everybody. While Republicans will assuredly go down for their pointless infighting, posturing and outrageous efforts to protect only the wealthiest Americans, now they’ve even revolted against Boehner as he looks for a way out of the fiscal cliff crisis, which is currently being held at gunpoint by the right-wing halfwits in his own party.

While the Democrats push for middle class tax relief, Republicans are still harping on breaks for the top one percent ... which means the Democrats are in an excellent position to retake the House in 2014. I say the sooner the better. Just tell me where to send my check.

Whoa. I found out a few minutes ago that Boehner is only 5'6" tall. Why doesn’t somebody just smack the crap out of him?

Around 11 this morning Sam and I hit the road for a nice 75-mile drive to our favorite barbecue restaurant in Fairfield, Texas, except when we pulled into the parking lot it looked like half the state got there 15 minutes before we did. The joint was MOBBED. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t such a hot idea to pick a restaurant on I-45 halfway between Dallas and Houston during the busiest travel day of the year. So ... to perk up my spirits on the way home I conned Sam into stopping at the Russell Stover factory store in Corsicana for some sugar-free chocolate. THIS PLACE IS THE REAL DEAL, PEOPLE! It’s a gigantic CHOCOLATE SUPERMARKET across from the Russell Stover manufacturing plant and an ideal destination for a diabetic pilgrimage. I tried to wheedle Sam into a chocolate marshmallow Santa but he wasn’t interested. NOT INTERESTED? Who doesn’t love chocolate marshmallow Santas? No kidding, that boy ain’t right.

For your possible interest, the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) the restaurant in Fairfield that was too damn crowded for lunch; and C) Russell Stover’s in Corsicana. They even do factory tours!

Thank you for reading this. I need a nap.

Pants don’t just get up and walk out by themselves.

I apologize for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday but I was busy playing with fonts and eating meat loaf. A detailed two-part explanation will follow shortly.

Holy crap. I think I missed the apocalypse! Actually, I forgot all about it until maybe half an hour ago, at which time I checked CNN.com to find out if other people are still alive besides me, and you know what? There are! Below is a photo of Einstein tourists taken yesterday in Bugarach, France, which was cited in ancient Mayan prophecy as the only place on earth that will survive doomsday. I hope these clowns got their money’s worth because we’re all still here. (I love the hats, but I seriously can’t understand why men always need official hats for everything.)

And now for the detailed two-part explanation I promised at the top of this post.

Playing with fonts. Yes, I’m still rebuilding my collection in the wake of Monday’s Big Font Disaster. Pictured below are several of my latest acquisitions for your possible interest. I especially love Fedra Condensed and Charon but don’t ask me to explain this.

Eating meat loaf. I made a meat loaf yesterday for the first time in years because meat loaf as a rule is loaded with carbs (from bread crumbs) and not a healthy option for diabetics who give a crap about their blood sugar numbers. However ... the geniuses at Netrition.com sell an awesome low-carb meat loaf mix that should run for mayor of Diabetesland. THIS STUFF IS STUPENDOUS! I made a beautiful picture-perfect low-carb meat loaf — as shown below — that would be good enough for company if we ever had any.

Incidentally, I used the brand new Perfect Meat Loaf Pan I got last week from Wal-Mart. This is truly a brilliant product and I think you should order one immediately if it’s not already on your Christmas list. They throw in a free recipe book but you have to buy your own meat. Click here.

We’re looking forward to a nice, restful holiday weekend here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam has four days off to watch movies, take naps, eat potato salad and buy me things. He even has a whole Kroger pumpkin pie in the fridge JUST FOR HIM with a private can of whipped cream. To tell you the truth, life here would be absolutely perfect if we could figure out what happened to Sam’s favorite jeans! They went missing overnight somewhere in the bowels of Howdygram headquarters — nowhere to be found — so I’ll be running the following ad tomorrow in the Dallas Morning News.

For the record, this is the second time Sam has had a disappearing wardrobe incident. The last time was back in March 2011 (see post) when his favorite black stretchy pants vanished into thin air. After scouring every corner of the house for months WE NEVER FOUND THEM.

Pants don’t just get up and walk out by themselves. Please send an email if you have any suggestions so we can stop wringing our hands. Thank you for reading this.

This is so much fun I might need a couple of egg rolls for dinner. Or maybe not.

So here I sit. It’s a windy Wednesday night and the temperature outside is dropping from a high of 80° this afternoon into the mid-30s by tomorrow morning, ushering in 10 days of typical December weather that averages around 58°. Unfortunately there’s no rain in the forecast whatsoever, not counting a 20% chance on Christmas Day that will never materialize because Weather.com couldn’t get it right if their lives depended on it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: THEY’RE LYING SACKS OF POO.

Breaking news: I’m no longer sick of fonts! While this probably comes as no surprise to many of you, it’s my pleasure to report that yesterday’s frustrating font disaster (see post) has morphed into a triumph, thanks to the discovery of a website called FontScore.com, where a greedy individual can download FREE OpenType versions of the best fonts on the planet ... entire families with all the weights, italics, small caps and fractions! THIS IS FANTASTIC. Now that I’ve dumped all the corrupt crap from my font library I’m ready to start over and load up on anything I can get my hands on, especially fresh new copies of all the fonts that disappeared without warning. I’m having so much fun I might need a couple of egg rolls for dinner! Below for your possible interest is a partial list of the fonts that I acquired this afternoon.

Since it’s already after 8 p.m. I think I should inject some insulin and chow down. I’ve decided against the egg rolls mentioned in the previous paragraph because it takes too long for China City to deliver. Instead I’m considering one or more of the following: 1) Loma Linda fake meat in a can; 2) Lowrey’s microwave bacon curls with a teeny bowl of queso dip; 3) a ChocoPerfection low-carb chocolate bar; 4) Five-Minute Stupid Soup (see recipe); or 5) American cheese, Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles and a peach phosphate.

Hungry yet? Anybody who wants to join me for dinner should send an email right away and I’ll set an extra place at the table. Don’t forget to let me know which of these menu options appeals to you. Thank you.

This is the first time in my life I’ve ever been sick to death of fonts.

Welcome to Marcy’s Ongoing Font Disaster. After more quirky behavior from my iMac computer today I spent another three hours deleting an additional 200+ corrupted fonts — not counting the 350 I deleted yesterday; see previous post — that showed up in my system file with little red and yellow “danger” tags. When I finished I was half-blind but feeling technologically superior, so I decided to unwind and design a couple of birthday cards. That’s when I ran into some exceptionally crazy crap with a corrupted InDesign document. I had to “force quit” InDesign and Photoshop at least half a dozen times and restart my Mac over and over and over, and in the process more than half of my remaining fonts — the HEALTHY ones! — vanished from the face of the earth.

I devoted the remainder of the day to hunting down and reinstalling the fonts that got away. I had zip files for lots of them (thank God) but had to prowl around on half a dozen different websites to download some others. It’s already after 7 p.m. and I’ve been dealing with this horseshit since Sam left for work at 1:15. MY BRAIN IS FRIED. After nearly three decades as a Macintosh owner, I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve ever been sick to death of fonts!

While I sit here contemplating an order of therapeutic Mongolian chicken I’m thinking that new perfume would be really swell, too. I got a Macy’s Christmas flyer in the mail today with one of those rub-it-on-your-wrist scented paper samples for Dior J’adore, pictured at right. This crap smells GREAT so I go to Fragrancenet.com to order myself a bottle and discover that it’s selling for $97.19 ... and that’s the DISCOUNTED price.

What the hell. I remember back in junior high when I could buy Heaven Scent at Walgreen’s for TWO LOUSY BUCKS! Of course, at the time I didn’t mind smelling like a 13-year-old girl. I don’t think I could get away with that today. Senior citizens with canes and trifocals need something a little more sophisticated and age-appropriate, such as Eau de Depends.

Thank you for reading this.

Rick Perry, decrepit fonts and mentally ill blintzes.

Good morning from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters! Okay, I agree that “bowels” might be unnecessarily graphic, but I’m at a loss how else to describe sitting at my desk with TicTacs at 5:18 a.m. If  you come up with something better please send an email as soon as possible. Thank you.

This will be an outstanding week around here due to the number of exciting deliveries on the way. These include: 1) zero-calorie Miracle Rice; 2) a six-pack of Fifty50 sugar-free peanut butter; 3) two cartons of Lowrey’s microwave bacon curls; 4) a case of 12 little pouches of pink salmon; 5) Jok-n-Al No-Carb Lemon Curd; 6) another bottle of Jok-n-Al No-Carb Chili Pepper Sauce because I got addicted after trying this heavenly crap for the first time last week; 7) Fiber Gourmet low-calorie spaghetti; 8) Bella Vita low-carb pasta sauce; and 9) several bottles of DaVinci sugar-free raspberry and peach syrups because Sam and I love to make phosphates. In case you’re interested, I ordered items 1 through 4 from Amazon and 5 through 9 from Netrition.

Incidentally, I have no idea what lemon curd is (item 5, above) but I’m hoping it’s like the filling for a lemon meringue pie. I’ve got a grand plan to smear it on a low-carb flour tortilla — maybe with ricotta cheese and a pile of Equal — and pretend I’m eating dessert or a mentally ill blintz with sour cream on top. (Stop laughing.) Stay tuned for a complete review. If this turns out to be edible I’ll even post my recipe.

From our Macintosh News You Can Use department, I’ve been having occasional slowdown issues with my Mac for the last couple of months that culminated yesterday afternoon with a bizarre “out of memory” error while I was horsing around in Adobe Illustrator. Out of memory? What the hell! So I called my computer guru, Betty, who suggested this is probably a FONT CONFLICT and not really a memory issue at all. My assignment? DUMP MY OLDEST FONTS BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THE NEWER FORMATS. Holy crap, this is like asking a bum to give up muscatel.

Regardless, I spent the next three hours examining and trashing more than 350 decrepit old PostScript fonts that I haven’t used for years decades, some with file dates from the mid-1990s. Almost as old as my underwear! I was happy to dump them, though, in exchange for no more system errors, and I’m pleased to report that my Mac’s performance has already improved considerably.

Please clap your hands if you share my joy. Thank you.

And finally, the Howdygram is pleased to announce the latest recipient of our coveted Putz of the Week Award ... Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, who thinks the answer to last week’s massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary is for school teachers to carry assault weapons in the classroom. I’m guessing he also recommends shoulder holsters, ammo belts and camouflage gear.

In a speech on Monday to the North Tarrant County Tea Party, Perry added “One thing I hope I don’t see is a knee-jerk reaction from Washington, where they come in and think they know the answers.” Seriously, Governor Einstein ... do you think you have the answers? This is the same horse’s ass who carries a semi-automatic pistol when he walks his dog — in a residential neighborhood — in case he has to get tough and blast a cranky squirrel. I CAN’T STAND THIS GUY.

I should go back to bed for a while. Thank you for reading this.

Visit the websites of your choice immediately and shop your crazy little brains out.

It’s the middle of the night and I should have been in bed hours ago, but I’m feeling compelled to share two things.

First, today is FREE SHIPPING DAY for 1,500 online retailers, and the Howdygram strongly suggests that you visit the websites of your choice IMMEDIATELY and shop your crazy little brains out! Click here to access the complete list of participating retailers.

Second, I just downloaded another pile of incredible free fonts from FontSquirrel.com. Many of these include six or more styles — extra light, thin, regular, semibold, bold, heavy, black, and so on — plus italics. ITALICS! Fonts are my number one favorite addiction not counting sugar-free pie and Mongolian chicken.

Okay, it’s official. I’m exhausted. Turn out the lights when you’re done here, okay?

Kim Kardashian accessorized her kitten to death.

After two days of seriously crappy national news I’m trying hard to regain my sense of humor, which explains why I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday and why I almost didn’t write one today. Among the disturbing stories still haunting me are: 1) the unspeakable massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School; 2) Hillary Clinton fainting from dehydration and clobbering her head; and 3) the untimely death of Kim Kardashian’s kitten, most likely from overuse as a fashion accessory. Holy crap. What an Einstein.

On a more cheerful note, Sam and I enjoyed a nice weekend of togetherness, food, a leisurely drive in the country, several juicy naps and Sunday Night Football. The food part included burgers on Saturday afternoon at Scotty P’s and lunch today at Alfredo’s. The Sunday Night Football part was a very good game between New England and San Francisco, which San Francisco won. I was rooting for the Patriots. What the hell.

I guess I’m not in the mood to write too much tonight. I know you’ll forgive me. Try to come back tomorrow, okay?

It’s always a pleasure to see Walter Brennan as a musical geezer with no teeth.

Ah, Friday! What a glorious day with nothing special to do, not counting a laundry-folding marathon planned for sometime after lunch. At the moment Sam is having fun at Wal-Mart, where he’s retrieving prescription refills and a nice container of sour cream providing it’s NOT manufactured by Kraft. Their “Simply Kraft” brand simply sucks. It’s tasteless and soupy and the crappiest sour cream on earth. I might use what’s left in the container for onion dip, but I’m not promising anything.

Very welcome thunderstorms were predicted today for the Dallas area but once again the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com blew their opportunity to help us fight the drought. When I checked the online forecast at lunch time our 60% chance of late afternoon storms had evolved into a 30% chance of showers around 2, at which time we experienced 15 minutes of light rain from an insignificant cloud that moved through here so fast it’s already on the outskirts of Texarkana. I’m not even sure our grass got wet.

And now for a quick movie review! This time it’s Banjo on My Knee (1936), a weird little film starring Joel McCrea, Barbara Stanwyck, Walter Brennan, Buddy Ebsen and — of all people — adorable crooner Tony Martin in one of his first roles. So here’s the plot. White trash newlyweds Ernie and Pearl Holley (McCrea and Stanwyck) are a pair of hick Mississippi River dwellers whose wedding (on a houseboat!) gets wrecked by a brawl that sends an obnoxious neighbor overboard in the dark. Thinking he killed the big jerk, Ernie flees into the night and leaves Pearl stranded at home with his dad, toothless Walter Brennan, for half a year while he sails all over the world as a merchant marine. Trouble is, the aforementioned neighbor didn’t drown at all and shows up about an hour after he fell into the water. By then Ernie is long gone.

So, while Ernie’s on the lam Pearl goes nuts stuck on a rickety houseboat with his pop and heads to New Orleans to work for a photographer played by screwy Walter Catlett, pictured at right, whose intentions are less than honorable (we all saw this coming except Pearl), therefore she quits after her first day and lands a job scrubbing dishes at the Creole Cafe down the block. Within a week she’s also an entertainer, singing duets with Tony Martin (see previous paragraph). This is actually unfortunate, because Stanwyck’s vocal talents hover slightly below Marlene Dietrich’s. In the middle of all this, a buddy named Buddy (played by Buddy Ebsen, oddly enough) from back home on the river stops in and winds up singing and dancing with Pearl as well. Personally, I’d like to know which Hollywood Einstein thought it was a good idea to cast Stanwyck in a musical alongside pros like Tony Martin and Buddy Ebsen. Take a look at the video clip below and judge for yourself. Incidentally, the geezer playing the one-man-band contraption is Walter Brennan, who shows up at the Creole Cafe with all of his hillbilly instruments about the same time as Buddy. If this makes no sense to you, either, welcome to the club.

To wrap it up (at last, right?), Ernie eventually comes back from his travels, finds Pearl in New Orleans, suspects she’s been having a fling and starts a big brawl at the Creole Cafe that lands him in jail. A neighbor bails him out, Pearl and his dad pay for the damages, everybody shleps back to their rickety houseboats on the river to live happily ever after, not counting a huge storm that looks like a hurricane. You know, with TIDAL WAVES on the Mississippi. This is all a big confusing waste of time, talent and money, although it’s always heartwarming to see Walter Brennan as a musical geezer with no teeth.

And finally, some breaking news from world of physics, where a group of researchers is almost convinced that our universe may exist within a computer simulation, something like the 1999 movie The Matrix, and a team at Cornell University has devised a system to test whether it’s true or not. This is all far beyond my comprehension and exceeds the scope of my journalism abilities, but apparently if “energy signatures” in the simulations match those in the universe at large, there’s a good chance that we, too, are living within a simulation.

University of Washington student Zohreh Davoudi says whoever made our simulated universe might have made others as well. She asked, “Can you communicate with other universes if they’re running on the same platform?” What a concept. Hard to believe that pot has only been legal there since November!

I think I need a nap. Wake me when it’s over, okay?