Don’t worry ... I’m safe and sound here at Howdygram headquarters.

In this post: Kvetch report, arming the blind in Iowa.

Can we talk?

First of all, call off the detectives. I know it’s been four days since my last post but I’m safe and sound here at Howdygram headquarters, eating pickles and raising hell. Well, sort of. I’ve had a few health issues again — actually, still — and they’re all related to diabetic autonomic neuropathy. After several days feeling like crap I finally sent an email to Dr. M yesterday afternoon to let her know what’s going on, and I’ll probably hear back from her shortly.

My current kvetch report appears below for your possible interest. This is moderately scary stuff, people.

1. My blood sugar levels have been out of whack for the last couple of weeks. I never know if I’ll have a high or low result after eating ... even with the correct dose of insulin.
2. I’ve got a demented bladder. (Sometimes I can’t make it to the bathroom.)
3. I get dizzy when I stand up.
4. I usually can’t taste my food.
5. I have difficulty swallowing.
6. I used to feel clammy and shaky during a low blood sugar episode but no longer get any warning signals at all.
7. I’m usually short of breath from any physical activity, such as folding bath towels or opening a jar of green olives. (I might be kidding about the jar of olives.)
8. I’ve got crocodile skin on my feet. Seriously.
9. My body temperature is insanely low sometimes. Like 95°.
10. Bright sunlight gives me a headache and pain behind my eyes.
11. I struggle with muscle fatigue and pain in my legs and lower back. There’s been a mild improvement since I stopped taking statin drugs, but not enough.

In addition to all of the above I’m also still dealing with peripheral neuropathy in my hands and feet. Peripheral neuropathy REALLY SUCKS. My feet go numb at night except for occasional “electric shocks” at uneven intervals, and my hands always sting like I just caught a speeding baseball.

Aside from all of this, however, I’m doing swell.

Today is our wedding anniversary and Sam gave me a memorable gift this morning: WE CLEANED OUT THE CLOSET IN THE STUDY! He did the lifting and shlepping while I enjoyed the coveted role of project supervisor, which doesn’t really pay as well as you’d think.

MEDICAL NEWS FLASH. I just got the call I was expecting from Dr. M’s office. She says my out of whack blood sugar (the issue that concerned me most) is most likely due to DECLINING KIDNEY FUNCTION rather than autonomic neuropathy. Trust me, people, “declining kidney function” are three words I definitely didn’t want to hear. Dr. M asked me to keep a log of my blood sugar numbers (which I always do, anyway) and come in to see her next month. Damn.

Hey. Before I present the Howdygram’s latest Einstein Award I want to mention a Senate race that deserves our attention. The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee needs additional dough to defeat GOP obstructionist Mitch McConnell, so I thought I’d include a friendly pitch. Even three bucks would help ... that’s less than you’d spend on a couple of shitty burgers at McDonald’s! Click the link below to DONATE NOW and thank you for your generosity.

And now for our Einstein Award. This is another Howdygram “first,” because this time I’m recognizing the entire state of Iowa for voting to give gun permits to BLIND PEOPLE. Officials from Polk County have reported that at least three citizens who can’t legally drive and were unable to read the application forms have been given permits to carry firearms. However, Iowa law enforcement officers and advocates for the disabled are in disagreement about whether this is a safe or well-thought-out plan. No kidding.

At last, the cartoonish stupidity of our nation’s love affair with guns is finally on par with a “Saturday Night Live” skit. Here we have the ultimate example of a poorly-written, 250-year-old amendment about militias being pushed to absurdity. Frankly, I think that blind people in Iowa should be issued driver’s licenses, too, and the law should mandate that their first passengers be the same Einstein legislators who enabled them to carry firearms. Holy mother of crap.

And now, finally, I think I’ll read some email while I ponder dinner, since it’s already after 7 p.m. and I’m officially EXTREMELY HUNGRY. Incidentally, “Hardcore Pawn” is on tonight (check the listings on TruTV) in case you’re in need of some stimulating entertainment from Detroit. As always, thank you for reading this.