There’s never a shortage of stupid here in the great state of Texas.

In this post: Tasty frozen food, meet Louie Gohmert, it’s Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Good morning, people. I’ve been up since 5:15 for no important reason whatsoever, not counting the fact that my feet were annoying me (diabetic peripheral neuropathy), both knees hurt and I just didn’t want to sleep any more. Lucky you … here I am, typing through the pain. (Cue the violins.)

So what’s on today’s agenda around here? Many, many fun things! Our Schwan’s delivery doofus will be here at 11 to drop off a load of tasty frozen whatnots, Pest Management is coming at 3:30 to make sure that Howdygram headquarters remains perpetually sterile and free of all creepy things inside and out, and I’ve got a bulging basket of socks to fold. And I think I’m feeling spunky enough right now to surprise Sam and fold them before he wakes up! Sam loves surprises!

I thought you might enjoy the following full-color portraits of the food I ordered this week from Schwan’s. Please feel free to share these with your friends and relatives.

Because there’s never a shortage of stupid here in the great state of Texas, y’all will be pleased to know we’ve got another home-grown Putz of the Week award winner to announce today. This time our recipient is (once again) GOP Congressman Louie Gohmert, the dim bulb who responded to Monday’s shooting at the Washington Navy Yard by calling for more people to be armed because blaming guns is like saying that “obesity is caused by too many spoons.” Gohmert continued, “There’s a lot of things that need to be done, but one of them is to deal with the mental health of people who have guns.”

While Congressman Halfwit whines about a corrupt “system” that gives mentally ill individuals access to bazookas and AK-47s — and actually spouts this horseshit with a perfectly straight face — he and all the other NRA shills in Congress still refuse to support or pass legislation requiring basic background checks, licensing and registration that would stop criminals, undesirables and nutjobs from buying guns in the first place. Really, Louie? Really?

Mark your calendar, everybody. Tomorrow is Talk Like a Pirate Day, and the Howdygram thinks you should know about a couple of not-to-be-missed FREE FOOD DEALS. First, the friendly, batter-dipped boys and girls at Long John Silver’s will present you with a FREE SLAB OF CLASSIC WHITEFISH if you walk into any of their stores and say “Arrrr.” Presumably without laughing.

Second, it’s all hands on deck for Krispy Kreme, where humiliation knows no bounds in the pursuit of free fried dough. Walk into any Krispy Kreme store on September 19 and say “Ahoy mateys” or “Shiver me timbers” and receive one free original glazed doughnut. Want to expand your bounty to a free dozen? Just wear a pirate hat, bandana, eye patch, a costume (i.e., fake) hook, a pirate shirt, a peg leg, a parrot or a pair of stupid knickers. (This is so NOT WORTH IT. Just stay home and order a pizza!)

Nice of you to drop by today. I should probably try to do some other stuff now.