Nobody won our first Name the Celebrity Contest so I get to keep the prizes for myself.

In this post: A mystery celebrity, telepathic rape, lunar cavesluts.

I’m squeezing in this last-minute Howdygram post after a hectic evening at home with Sam, during which we: 1) ate some really wonderful Costco chicken sausages for dinner stuffed with habanero peppers and spicy cheese; and 2) watched the finale of “Top Chef Masters.” However Sam was mostly asleep during item two because we ate a lot of item one. For dessert I had two sugar-free Russell Stover chocolate marshmallow pumpkins.

We sincerely regret that nobody won our first Name the Celebrity Contest, although we had a few creative guesses. So who was our mystery celebrity? Take a look below!

Keep an eye on the Howdygram for another mystery celebrity sometime next week. Put on your thinking cap and try to win a prize, okay?

In case you missed this breaking news story today, a Utah woman has pleaded guilty for persuading her mental-case husband to shoot their neighbor by claiming to be the victim of “telepathic rape.” Meloney Selleneit illegally purchased a gun for Michael Selleneit, already a previously-convicted violent felon, and conned him into blasting Tony Pierce twice in the back. Michael told police that Pierce had been raping his wife telepathically for years and was using crack to control her mind. Holy mother of crap.

Fortunately, Meloney didn’t get pregnant. Because as we all know, in the case of “legitimate” telepathic rape the body has a way of shutting that whole thing down. (Just ask Todd Akin.)

Sam and I watched a thoroughly idiotic science fiction movie this afternoon called Valley of the Dragons, a 1961 dreckfest adapted from a Jules Verne story set in Algeria in 1881. The plot? A pair of European soldiers named Hector and Michael (played by Cesare Danova and Sean McClory, respectively) are swept away by a windy comet and end up on the moon, which is somehow a prehistoric jungle inhabited by people at every stage of evolution and dinosaurs that roar like lions. The aforementioned dinosaurs are actually teeny lizards with fins glued to their backs. There are also giant styrofoam spiders, underground mutants, exploding volcanoes with friendly lava and an inordinate number of sex-starved cavesluts who have never seen clean-shaven European soldiers before. The cavesluts all wear eyeliner, clear nail polish and lip gloss. Less than 15 minutes after arriving on the moon Hector and Michael are inventing gunpowder, miraculously wearing Birkenstocks and hooking up.

Valley of the Dragons was a pitifully low-budget movie and one of the worst science fiction hack jobs ever, although Sam and I thought it was unintentionally hilarious and can hardly wait to see it again!

Thank you for reading this.