Sam & Marcy’s big Saturday adventure.

Last Monday we received a postcard offering two free round-trip airline tickets to anywhere in the United States if we’ll sit through a 90-minute “travel presentation.” That’s not such a bad deal, right? Sam and I sit through 90 minutes of horseshit all the time, such as a crappy horror movie like 20 Million Miles to Earth, so why not waste an hour and a half to get free airfare? Sam called to find out more and then set us up to attend a presentation yesterday at noon hosted by Five Star Vacations in Dallas. There were six couples, all ordinary and middle-aged, and a handful of peculiar yet eager sales Einsteins (ours was a twentysomething named Samantha in shorts and stilettos) trying their damndest to sell $8,995 travel club memberships that offer “exclusive” opportunities to buy discounted trips to places we’d never visit in a million years. Following a slide show — complete with agonizing typos — during which we were promised we could just say “no” at any time if we weren’t interested, Samantha continued to push Disney World, desert golf resorts and beach vacations in Fiji even though we told her repeatedly I can’t fly, we don’t have grandchildren and nobody likes golf. At that point she sent her manager to give it his best shot, but that didn’t work out very well, either. We even told him our dream vacation is a road trip to Arkansas with breakfast at Denny’s. (Which happens to be true, coincidentally.)

We left at 1 p.m. with a bogus-looking brochure and a $50 hotel gift card; on Monday we’ll call an 800 number to get our airline ticket vouchers. Whether or not any of this crap is legitimate still remains to be seen, so don’t forget to come back tomorrow for the thrilling final chapter. And now a word from our sponsor!

The primary activity on today’s agenda here at Howdygram headquarters is LAUNDRY. I’ve got mountains of it, leading me to conclude that we’re either exceptionally clean or exceptionally dirty. I’m leaning towards the former. We change clothes a lot and Sam is admittedly addicted to fresh socks.

I’ll try to write another post later between loads, okay? Thank you for reading this.

Hostages, terrorists and pumpkin pie for one.

I think something’s wrong with me: it’s after 7 p.m. and I’M NOT HUNGRY. This is definitely an odd twist of events for a foodie like yours truly, especially since I’ve got a kitchen filled with all kinds of amazing crap to eat — teeny cans of Chinese gluten, Lowrey’s hot & spicy bacon curls, frozen whatnots from Schwan’s — not to mention China City’s convenient online order form bookmarked on Firefox. I mean, I’m all set here as soon as I decide I need to eat something, except at the moment I don’t really need to eat. Which is the EXACT OPPOSITE of Sam last night when he got home from work. He was, in a word, starving, so I made him a picture-perfect three-egg omelet with mushrooms, melty pepper jack cheese and a side order of sausages, which he washed down with — ready for this? — A WHOLE PUMPKIN PIE WITH A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM. The whole damn pie, all at once. I never enjoyed anything so much in my entire life. It was almost as good as watching The Wizard of Oz.

I’m having an issue with FedEx. They ship everything you buy online from Wal-Mart.com, but for some peculiar reason only a teeny part of my last order, which included multiple bottles of body wash, deodorant, toothpaste, glucose tablets and flavor extracts, requires a signature on delivery. WTF? I’ve never had to sign for a Wal-Mart delivery in my entire life. I received a big box yesterday with my entire order minus the two little bottles of McCormick extract, which apparently are being held hostage by a terrorist Federal Express driver I’ll refer to as Bubba Einstein. According to online tracking Bubba has attempted to deliver this stupid crap THREE TIMES but apparently never bothered to tape a note to the door to let me know I had to sign for something. I think we should kill him. Either that, or I’ll start buying extracts in our local Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market.

Sam and I are having a big adventure tomorrow. Stay tuned for all the details, okay? Thank you for reading this.

The classic Margherita pizza: tomatoes, mozzarella and licorice.

A new day dawns in Diabetesland, where my complaints du jour include lightheadedness, loss of balance and shortness of breath. All are different manifestations of diabetic neuropathy, causing me to bump into walls, act like a crab and spill Coke Zero all over the coffee table. WITH ICE CUBES. As soon as I finish this post I think I’ll put my feet up for a while and watch a movie. I’m definitely not much good for anything else right now.

Remember the piece of pizza I had for lunch yesterday? Although over the years I’ve been known to eat practically anything, the pie in question was a greasy, unpalatable “Margherita-style” thing from Sal’s in Dallas with dough like a steel-belted radial and big clumps of fresh basil. It’s actually the basil that wrecked it for me. Basil tastes like licorice AND LICORICE TASTES LIKE CRAP! I got so hysterical I had to resort to drastic action. I threw the entire pizza in the garbage, ate a low-carb chocolate bar and watched Please Don’t Eat the Daisies starring Doris Day.

Concerning that image of Mitt Romney in yesterday’s Howdygram post, the one labeled “Winner, 2012 Thurston Howell Award” ... just in case the name doesn’t ring a bell, Thurston Howell was the pompous millionaire on “Gilligan’s Island” who embarked on that infamous three-hour tour with a year’s supply of formalwear, satin smoking jackets and a suitcase stuffed with cash.

Oy, what a life. Thank you for reading this.

More Mitt Romney comedy from the ongoing Republican Follies.

I’m pleased to announce there are FOUR THRILLING THINGS happening today, right here at Howdygram headquarters!

1. Sam brought leftover pizza home from work last night and I’m definitely eating a piece for lunch.
2. FedEx is delivering my new comforter from Wal-Mart (see earlier post).
3. I might go for a haircut.
4. I can’t think of anything else.

Obviously I’m most excited about items 1 and 2 but for very different reasons. Item 1 involves food and item 2 involves no food whatsoever, but in all other respects the overall level of thrill is essentially the same. Item 3 is still a “maybe” at this point and depends on whether or not I feel motivated enough to wear a brassiere and start the car. (Fat chance, right?) Item 4 is both meaningless and self-explanatory.

From our Republican Follies department comes even more Mitt Romney comedy! The GOP’s premier gaffe-master has been blabbing all over town to former supporters and campaign donors that President Obama only won the election because he bought votes by being “very generous” to African Americans and offering huge “gifts” to the rest of the greedy, government-dependent populace that excludes old rich white men. Romney refers to: 1) reduced student loan interest; 2) free contraceptives under Obamacare; 3) improved health insurance coverage for families, children and patients with pre-existing conditions; and 4) comprehensive immigration reform through the Dream Act. Romney is once again under fire for being a heartless Mormon moron ... this time even by Republicans.

For the record, Mitt doesn’t bother to mention his own vow to provide a gift to the wealthiest Americans (also known in Romneyland as “patriots” and “job creators”) disguised as additional tax breaks. Congratulations on your stunning and gratifying loss, Mr. White Bread Jerkowitz!

Holy crap, it’s time to nuke a piece of pizza! Thank you for reading this.

The perfect cure for just about anything: deep-dish pizza porn from Chicago.

All’s not well at Howdygram headquarters tonight and I didn’t really plan to write a post. I’ve had a lousy headache since early afternoon and so far the usual remedies haven’t helped, including arthritis-strength acetaminophen, looking at pizza porn online, two short naps and pudding. All that’s left in my arsenal now is a hot shower or blowing my brains out. In the meantime, a fine example of pizza porn appears below for your possible interest. This is a 10-pound deep-dish marvel from Lou Malnati’s in suburban Chicago, and it’s even better than the iconic pizza at Gino’s East. (In certain circles I could be assassinated for that comment, but what the hell.) Please see the teeny photo of Malnati’s original location in Lincolnwood (inset).

This was my #1 favorite restaurant when I lived in Chicago. If Lou Malnati’s ever decides to open in Texas I’d probably have to move next door.

Time for that hot shower now. It was nice of you to drop in tonight.

Social-climbing sex maniacs on the diplomatic circuit.

The Adventures of General Petraeus have risen to a new level of hysteria, now focusing on professional partier Jill Kelley’s twin Natalie Khawam, who’s a bankrupt Florida lawyer and social-climbing sex maniac — technically, I think Gawker.com used the term “flirt” — and a regular fixture on the diplomatic party circuit. Since I don’t want to waste any additional Howdygram space tonight rehashing the juicy details, I’ll just post a convenient flowchart to help you figure out who’s who. Enjoy.

It’s past midnight and I haven’t heard a peep from Sam since he left for work at 2:15 yesterday afternoon. I can only assume he’s having a seriously lousy time at the office or else he’d find five minutes to call and say hi. Those clients from yesterday are still in-house and will probably stay all night again. If they do, Sam will, too, although I’m positive he’d rather be home eating a muffin. As for me, I plan to hit the sack as soon as I finish this post. Please shut the light when you’re done and try not to make any noise, okay?

One more thing. An article on the Huffington Post’s website tonight referred me to an online petition where we can all support an effort urging Macy’s to end its affiliation with pukey Donald Trump, the self-absorbed, anti-American hate-monger, pictured below, who continues to race-bait the president of the United States.

Apparently Macy’s sells Donald Trump’s clothing line and fragrance — who the hell wants to smell like Donald Trump? — and uses his likeness in ads celebrating “the magic of Macy’s.” Holy crap, people! Grab this chance to tell Macy’s what you think! Click here to sign the petition!

I just ran out of exclamation points. Thank you for reading this.

This convoluted scandal is draining my neurons.

Okay, I think I got confused last night. This convoluted General Petraeus scandal is draining my neurons. In another twist to the same story, apparently those “30,000 pages of email” were transmitted between Marine Corps General John Allen — Commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan — and Jill Kelley, a married millionaire social climber in Tampa who blows her husband’s money hosting black-tie shindigs for military brass at MacDill Air Force Base. The Wall Street Journal reports that when Kelley began receiving anonymous meanacing emails earlier this year she contacted a pal in the FBI who linked the emails to General Petraeus’ jealous girlfriend and biographer, Paula Broadwell. Just for fun the aforementioned FBI agent emailed Jill Kelley photos of himself shirtless.

Holy crap. Would this be an amazing HBO mini-series, or what? Even though this story has started to give me cramps, the cast of characters appears below for your possible interest. Apparently Jill Kelley and her twin (see bottom photo) both suffer from the same serious neck injury.

It’s definitely fall in north Texas and we had our first official freeze this morning. Even though I don’t go out very often — just on weekends for Chinese food or Senior Scrambled Eggs at Denny’s — I still manage to keep track of the changing seasons because: 1) I visit Weather.com at least once a week; 2) Costco is already advertising their Christmas specials; and 3) my feet are cold. Although a nice pair of socks would have been cheaper, to alleviate item 3 I just ordered a comforter set from Wal-Mart. Stop laughing, people. Wal-Mart’s Hometrends brand bedding is BEAUTIFUL and their king-size comforters are larger than practically anybody’s, including the ritzy and overpriced designer crap at Bed Bath and Beyond.

The set comes with two king pillow shams and a bed skirt. I didn’t have to buy the matching throw pillows because they’re already on a shelf in my armoire. No kidding.

I usually don’t gloat (not much, anyway) but thought you might enjoy some real-time misery on DisappearingRomney.com, a website that’s tracking Mitt Romney’s diminishing Facebook popularity as it actually happens. Now in frightening decline, Mitt has been losing approximately 847 friends every hour.

And on that cheerful note I think I’ll go make a nice pot of chicken barley soup. Thank you for reading this!

I’m officially fed up with General Petraeus.

I was ready to go to bed about half an hour ago but decided to squeeze in one more quick Howdygram post. Mostly I feel compelled to announce that I’m officially fed up with General Petraeus, General Petraeus’ name, General Petraeus’ chicks and bimbos, General Petraeus’ sneaky little trysts, General Petraeus’ lousy judgment and all of the accompanying General Petraeus horseshit that’s been leaking into the headlines on an hourly basis. I am particularly fascinated by mistress number one, Paula Broadwell, sending 30,000 pages of “menacing email” to mistress number two, a person named Jill Kelley, who wears a lot of makeup and looks like she probably deserved it.

Come on. THIRTY THOUSAND PAGES OF EMAIL? Who the hell has time to write that much email? Somebody should give these women a REAL job!

I forgot to include a graphic in my previous post that goes along with the Texas secession paragraph. Here’s a Texan’s map of the United States, offering a reasonably accurate representation of how important we think we are.

Thank you for reading this. I have to get some sleep now.

Grilled cheese, sugar-free pickles and a Walter Pidgeon movie on the side.

So here’s the story tonight from Howdygram headquarters. Sam called about an hour ago to let me know he’ll be stuck at the office until 4 a.m. Tuesday morning because a group of clients are in-house to work on a steaming pile of urgent crapola and intend to stay for 48 hours without clean socks or taking a shower. I’m not joking. Nobody would ever joke about something like this. On the plus side, though, Sam said he ordered dinner from Pei Wei, and everybody knows that Chinese food is always the answer.

I wonder if he had the pad thai. That’s his favorite.

From our Tacky Snacks Department comes this heartbreaking news from Sacramento, California, where bankrupt Hostess Brands, Inc., manufacturer of acrylic Twinkies, foam rubber cupcakes and other iconic treats, has been crippled by a labor strike over the company’s proposed 8% wage cut, a 32% reduction in health benefits and increased work hours. While the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union is having a cow, Hostess CEO Grey Rayburn promises the strike ultimately will force the company to close its doors. Bottom line: BETTER BUY YOUR TWINKIES BEFORE FRIDAY. Thank you.

A little closer to home, in response to President Obama’s re-election it seems that 25,000 local yahoos have signed a petition demanding that Texas secede from the United States, triggering a hilarious blog post on the Dallas Observer’s website asking to clarify the basic logistics of secession in case a few of us would rather not live in a nation run by the holy gunslinger, Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, pictured below. I added a few questions of my own to the Dallas Observer’s list. Enjoy.

1. Will I need a passport to get into America?
2. Will we get our own paper currency with Rick Perry holding a uterus on it?
3. Can my child carry a gun to preschool?
4. Is not wearing the mandatory Texas flag shirt punishable by death, or just life in prison?
5. Is it going to cost 25,000 frequent flier miles to get to Albuquerque now?
6. What will we bomb next once we’re done with all the Planned Parentoods?
7. Can I drink in church?
8. Will there be legitimate rape?
9. When I retire, how much should I count on getting from Texas in Social Security? If not much, can I self-deport to America?
10. Will I die at the Alamo? What if I don’t want to die at the Alamo? Can I self-deport to America?
11. Will state troopers wear coonskin caps? Can I self-deport to America?
12. If Texas is its own country, will I have to learn the language?
13. Can I shoot my neighbors?
14. Will the Texas Bill of Rights include Viagra?
15. Will there be chicken-fried pasta?
16. I’ll still get cable, right? If not, can this wait until the next season of “Mad Men” is over?
17. Will I have to purchase my own transvaginal probe wand, or will one be provided for me at reduced cost?
18. Is Chuck Norris the Vice President or the Secretary of Defense?
19. Can we force the IRS to give Willie Nelson his money back?
20. We’ll have excessive banjos in the national anthem, right?
21. If I duck-tape a truck bed to the back, can I keep my Prius?
22. Will we still have to pick up our dog’s poop or can we just shoot it for target practice?
23. Can we bring back mailmen on horseback? That was cool.
24. Will we be able to import Coors Light?

To amuse myself tonight in Sam’s absence I decided to engage in my two favorite hobbies: 1) eating things; and 2) buying things. So far item 1 has included Coke Zero, a teeny bowl of hummus and some Lowrey’s hot & spicy bacon curls. Item 2, accomplished at Wal-Mart.com, involves the excellent merchandise illustrated below, purchased mostly in multiples (i.e., four toothpastes, two deodorants, etc.) to qualify for free shipping.

I also placed a small order with Amazon because I didn’t want them to feel neglected. The 24-oz. jar of McCormick’s Taco Seasoning is the same powdery crap they also sell in packets except the jar is a lot cheaper. (I use it for homemade dip. I love dip.) The pan is nonstick lasagna-size by Wilton that measures 14½" x 11" and I’ll use it for little chickens. I don’t make lasagna because I have diabetes. Please send an email if you feel sorry for me.

I think I’d better eat some real food before my blood sugar gets too low. Hummus and bacon curls don’t exactly qualify. I’m considering a grilled cheese on low-carb wheat bread and sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles with a Walter Pidgeon movie on the side. Thank you for reading this.

Please ask NBC to dump Trump and recommend that your friends do the same.

After waiting nearly all day for the wrath of Brutus, the season’s second named winter storm arrived at Howdygram headquarters like a pansy this afternoon, dumping about six minutes of light drizzle with no wind, no thunder, no lightning, NO NOTHING. What a total waste of time — again! — for paying any attention whatsoever to those overpaid, lying sacks of poo at Weather.com. I am so done with them.

And now I’d like to revisit a comment from my post on November 8 in which I suggested we should all demand that NBC cancel “Celebrity Apprentice” and end Donald Trump’s contract due to his racist, seditious and hateful anti-American Twitter tirade following President Obama’s re-election. I’M SERIOUS ABOUT THIS, PEOPLE. I emailed NBC’s corporate office twice and I think all of you should do exactly the same. In the news today I saw a story that Coldstone Creamery fired 22-year-old Denise Helms, an idiot ice cream store manager in Modesto, California, for her anti-Obama Election Day rant on Facebook, in which she referred to the president of the United States with the “N” word and the hope that he’ll be assassinated. (Unemployment is the least of Miss Einstein’s problems now; she’s also in deep crap with the FBI and Secret Service.)

The point is, if Coldstone Creamery can take a stand against an employee’s hate and racism, I think NBC should, too. Therefore I’m pleased to provide the email link below to NBC’s corporate office. Please ask NBC to dump Trump and recommend that your friends do the same!

Email NBC

I have a headache. Maybe this would be a good time to reheat some matzo ball soup, watch The Thin Man and connect with Sam, who just slept through the entire Cowboys vs. Eagles game on Fox. Have a nice evening, okay?

Waiting for Brutus at dawn with a Schwan’s Egg Mock-Muffin.

I’ve been lucky so far. All of my hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episodes always seem to occur when I’m home, where I have fast access to glucose tablets and/or Sam, who volunteers to race around the house scrounging up emergency provisions for me, such as raisins, half a Clif bar or leftover Mongolian chicken. This morning, however, I decided not to annoy him because he’s still sound asleep, so I’ll just sit my desk with those tasty glucose thingies. In case you’re wondering, they’re exactly like SweeTarts except a lot bigger with much better flavors and not as tart.

Okay, maybe not.

Remember winter storm Brutus? HE’S LATE. He was supposed to roll into Dallas at 6 a.m. (see previous post) except I just noticed on Weather.com that he’s stuck in traffic (albeit atmospheric) somewhere over Lubbock and won’t show up here at Howdygram headquarters until 10 a.m. This makes no difference to me whatsoever, since our only real plans for today include leftover matzo ball soup and a Clint Eastwood western.

All of a sudden I’m STARVING. Since this is most likely related to my hypoglycemic hoo-hah from half an hour ago I might have to go nuke something in the kitchen. I’m considering a mock Egg McMuffin from Schwan’s because they’re ready in 2½ minutes.

Please note ... in all future Howdygram posts going forward this breakfast product will be referred to as a Schwan’s Egg Mock-Muffin. Thank you for reading this.

Howdygram headquarters is located slightly to the left of the “S” in Shreveport.

It’s Sunday, November 11, Barack Obama is still president of the United States, and I’m so damn happy my face hurts. To celebrate I made a large quantity of matzo ball soup for dinner last night that elicited an audible squeal from Sam when I lifted the lid off the pot. For dessert he had a blueberry muffin with an ice cream cone chaser. I just wanted more soup.

In addition to eating things we also squeezed in a pair of classic swashbucklers: Captain Blood (1936) starring Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland and Mutiny on the Bounty (1935) starring Clark Gable and Charles Laughton. I fell asleep during the first film, Sam during the second. I think somebody shpritzed our sofa with sedatives.

Winter storm “Brutus” is approaching Howdygram headquarters as I write this post. Brutus has been dumping blizzards and Arctic cold all over the upper plains but isn’t expected to deliver much more than a thunderstorm in north Texas and no big freeze whatsoever. The current ETA is approximately 6 a.m. but I wouldn’t be surprised if Sam and I sleep through it. Lately we sleep through everything.

Just in case you’re interested ... on the map above, Howdygram headquarters is located slightly to the left of the “S” in Shreveport and probably straddles the line between yellow and red. I’ll let you know later today if we get yellow weather or red weather.

Thank you for reading this.

I’ve got a lot of TicTacs. (Thank God.)

HOLY CRAP! IT’S SATURDAY! Now that I’ve got your attention I can move on to other pressing issues, such why am I awake at this hour of the morning and check out all the exciting merchandise I ordered yesterday from my pals at Amazon.

The lens wipes (120 in teeny foil packets) and FreeStyle Lite diabetes test strips should be self-explanatory. One is for cleaning my glasses, the other for testing my blood sugar, respectively. The platter of dried fruit, however, is for eating, albeit not by me. It’s on the way to a nursing home in Chicago for my mother’s 90th birthday party next weekend. Sam and I can’t go so we’re sending prunes and apricots to represent us.

I should mention that I’m definitely sad about missing mom’s event but I try not to think about it too much. Sam can’t take vacation time in November and I can’t travel alone any more due to health reasons. For instance, I’d never get through airport security with my portable pharmacy, syringes and an ice chest full of insulin, and I’m unable to walk 100 yards without sitting down. In addition: 1) I lose my balance; 2) I can’t shlep my own luggage due to nerve damage in my hands; 3) my feet are numb; 4) I have difficulty swallowing when I get excited; and 5) I’m claustrophic on airplanes. All of which make me a model passenger and a flight attendant’s dream.

Sam and I have no concrete plans this weekend, but if I play my cards right I can probably con him into a restaurant meal at some point ... either Thai Star or Pepe’s & Mito’s. I’m hungry enough right now for both except it’s 5:15 in the morning and nothing’s open except McDonald’s and the local doughnut shop. In the meantime I’ve got a lot of TicTacs. (Thank God.)

Stay classy, people. Thank you for reading this.

Egg salad, Ziggy Talent and right-wing sore loser dirtbags.

When I sat down to write tonight’s Howdygram post I had no material whatsoever. Zero. Zilch. I took a short break at 7 p.m. to eat an unassuming bowl of egg salad, and holy crap … all of a sudden I’ve got a million ideas! Who knew? I MADE MAGIC EGG SALAD!

First, allow me to introduce the Meneghini La Cambusa, a jaw-dropping three-door customizable “galley” appliance from Italy. Think of it like installing Costco in your kitchen! Features include a refrigerator, freezer, ice maker, coffee maker, microwave, a steam oven and dry food storage … all for $41,500. To say I want one of these for Hanukkah would be an understatement. (I hope Sam is reading this.)

Before I launch into today’s rant I’d like to post the following video from the movie Meet the People (1944) starring Dick Powell and Lucille Ball, except neither of them is in this clip. It’s a musical number called “I Can’t Dance” featuring a screwball named Ziggy Talent with the Vaughn Monroe Orchestra. (Alert: I promise you’ll need to pee halfway into this routine.)

And now for the topic at hand. REPUBLICANS. I don’t know why anybody still refers to them as a “party,” because they’re the sourest crowd I’ve ever seen in my life.

The after-shock from Tuesday’s election is still causing quite a commotion among right-wing sore loser dirtbags. The biggest sore loser dirtbag is probably Karl Rove, whose pathetic platform led the GOP’s super-PAC straight down the toilet, and an eleventh-hour tantrum on Fox News cost him whatever shred of credibility he had left.

Egomaniac Newt Gingrich didn’t fare too well, either, with his outrageous election night predictions that Romney would win more than 300 electoral votes and Republicans would retake the Senate, all based on his claim to vast political knowledge and experience. Newt, who was nicknamed “The Angry Attack Muffin” by pundit Peggy Noonan, is still camped out in fantasy land.

Neanderthal mysogynist Senators Todd Akin (Missouri) and Richard Mourdock (Indiana) both lost re-election after spewing highly offensive viewpoints about rape and pregnancy. Even in their solidly red states neither could win the votes of women. What a shock, right?

And last but not least is sore loser dirtbag Donald Trump, the Howdygram’s Putz of the Week (twice!), who’s still shrieking that our president is an illegal alien, his re-election was a travesty and democracy is a sham. Personally, I think you should all follow my lead and demand that NBC cancel “Celebrity Apprentice” and remove this anti-American hate monger from television. I’m absolutely serious.

Although the image below never actually appeared on the cover of Bloomberg Business Week, it apparently was proposed artwork for an issue back in January. I’ve decided to post it here for effect, mostly because it fairly represents Romney during the final week of his campaign. He was battered from all directions after vowing to destroy Planned Parenthood, lying about the president shipping Jeep jobs to China and pretending he never ran a full-page New York Times op-ed piece to “let Detroit go bankrupt” in advance of Obama’s successful bailout of the auto industry. That Romney got any votes at all is still a mystery.

Sometime this week I hope to get back to normal Howdygram posts about meaningful topics such as shopping, Einsteins, Chinese food, laundry, trips to the Choctaw Casino and assorted other crapola. Politics is almost out of my system. I’m exhausted.

It’s time for a hot shower and a movie. Thank you for reading this!

Another tale from the pit of Diabetesland.

While I was watching the election results last night I saw a public service announcement on MSNBC about two popular injectable “wonder drugs” for type 2 diabetes — Victoza and Byetta — that are now believed to cause pancreatic cancer.

As a modern type 2 diabetic who’s always willing to try the latest and greatest, I used both of these prescription poisons for several months beginning in August 2011 before Dr. M (thank God) switched me to insulin.

And if that’s not enough to send a person screaming into the night, you may recall an earlier Howdygram post about Actos, another diabetes wonder drug that I took for nearly two years. Actos ruined my life with side effects and is now known to trigger bladder cancer. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP.

I need to watch “Top Chef” and eat dinner now. Thank you for reading this.

Glorioski!

Glorioski and yee-haw! In case you’ve been hiding under a rock, everybody on the planet should know by now that President Adorable Obama won yesterday’s election.

Sam and I stayed up late last night to watch all the requisite election night festivities on MSNBC, including: 1) Romney waving goodbye (see ya, Mittens!); 2) a massive Obama victory celebration with the biggest slabs of red, white and blue confetti I’ve ever seen in my life; and 3) the Reverend Al Sharpton, pictured at right, enjoying his new career as a mainstream political pundit.

Regarding snazzy little Reverend Sharpton, I learned last night that he’s three years younger than me after commenting that he voted for the very first time in 1972 when he was 18 years old. Seriously, I thought the dude was at least 70. I feel sick.

Speaking of feeling sick, this is a perfect segue into my next topic: DONALD TRUMP. Back on October 23 Trump was recognized as the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week (see post), and his outrageous election night behavior has qualified him once again after shooting off his big dumb mouth on Twitter.

Four of Trump’s aforementioned Twitter posts appear below, all bordering on treason. A later tweet demanded revolution. Why the hell can’t somebody in the Republican party figure out how to shut him up?

 It’s time for lunch. I love lunch.

Sam might not like it if I beat the crap out of our 60-inch TV.

I’m a nervous wreck. I can’t watch the election results yet because the presidential contest is still too close and Sam might not like it if I beat the crap out of our 60-inch TV with my cane. Therefore, I’ve kept myself occupied this evening with two worthwhile non-political activities: 1) downloading free fonts; and 2) shopping for shoes.

First, the shoes. I ordered a nice pair of leather mules with stretchy things (see right) for shuffling around the Choctaw Casino and/or Trader Joe’s. I haven’t had any new shoes for a very long time because I rarely leave the house. In case you’re interested, I bought black, not silver, because I don’t want people to think I’m a floozy.

Second, the fonts. These were all FREE (with the exception of Captain Narrow, as explained in my previous post) from a variety of excellent free-font websites, including FontSquirrel.com, FontSpace.com and uFonts.com. Are these great, or what? Depending on how long it takes for MSNBC to declare a winner I might be downloading free fonts all night long. Holy crap.

Sam just got home from work so it’s finally time to turn on the TV and watch election results. Also because I think I have enough new fonts for the time being. Thank you.

Reward yourself with a new font after you vote today. Also a pizza.

It’s finally here … Election Day in America! At first I had seriously considered a full-on 18-hour MSNBC marathon starting at 8 a.m. except other pressing matters eventually got in the way, such as: 1) taking a lot of pills; 2) a nice nap; 3) watching 30 minutes of The Great Gatsby (1974) starring Mia Farrow and Robert Redford; 4) buying a pile of Election Day essentials from Wal-Mart.com; and 5) writing this post. Election results and MSNBC will have to wait until after the polls close tonight. There’s just too damn much going on here right now.

In the meantime, I’d like to offer explanations for items 3 and 4 above because inquiring minds want to know. I only watched half an hour of The Great Gatsby because it sucked, and my Election Day essentials from Wal-Mart included all of the products pictured below.

If you haven’t already voted please grab a few friends and do this NOW. And you’ll make an old lady excruciatingly happy — I refer, of course, to moi — if you’ll vote for President Obama. (Sam would appreciate it, too.)

I think I should mention something. The cool font I used for the graphic posted above is called Captain Narrow and it’s a collection of 21 thrilling styles on sale for only TWO MEASLY BUCKS at MyFonts.com. Reward yourself with a new font after you vote today. Also a pizza.

Thank you for reading this.

Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive.

One more thing. Actually ... 25 of them! I just received an email from the Obama for America campaign asking me to tweet or post the following list of reasons from 25 people who are voting to re-elect the president. I can do that, and here they are.

1. “The Affordable Care Act is saving my daughter’s life.” Stacey, Arizona 
2. “Obama is for the vets. He helped us wind down in Iraq, he’s improved mental health policy with VA benefits.” Joel, Minnesota
3. “Obama stuck his neck out for us, the auto industry. He wasn’t going to let it just die, and I’m driving in this morning because of that, because of him.” Brian, Ohio 
4. “Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive.” Joe Biden, Delaware 
5. “Supreme Court Supreme Court Supreme Court.” Andrew, California 
6. “Arithmetic.” Bill Clinton, New York 
7. “He cares for the 100 percent.” Shana, Texas 
8. “When Obama came into office he successfully renewed our country’s place in the community of nations, making cooperation in tackling the world’s challenges possible.” Willis, North Carolina 
9. “The actions he has taken with respect to protecting us from terrorism have been very, very solid.” Colin Powell, Virginia 
10. “I was really very grateful to him for standing up for those kids who are having a really rough time out there because of their orientation.” Jane Lynch, California 
11. “For me, President Obama is our best choice because he has a vision of the United States as a place where we are all in this together.” Bruce Springsteen, New Jersey 
12. “He has a real plan for rescuing the economy that passes the ‘math’ test.” Teresa, Virginia 
13. “Having someone in office who understands how powerful our voice can be is very important.” Jay Z, New York 
14. “I am voting for Barack Obama and Joe Biden because I can trust them to care for the middle class and restore the American dream.” Steven, Florida 
15. “The first measure he signed into law after becoming president was the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act — so a female high school counselor or physical education teacher can fight for equal pay for equal work.” Connie Britton, California 
16. “I believe in the America he wants for my grandchildren.” Nancy, Michigan 
17. “We need four more years of repair, of helping the middle class achieve a sustainable economy.” James Taylor, North Carolina 
18. “I’ve watched him fight for our country, stand by the middle class, the working class, the military, the education of our children, universal health care, women, the environment, and matters of national and domestic security.” Susan, Virginia 
19. “The gifted 12-year-old I taught, whose parents were deported and left her here with her grandmother, will be allowed to stay and finish her education. She’s been in the U.S. since age one.” Jamie, North Carolina 
20. “When I step into the voting booth, I think about the world I want to leave my two daughters, and the values that are required to guide us there.” Michael Bloomberg, New York 
21. “I have four children who are under 26 and able to stay on my health care plan. That’s been huge.” Amy, Pennsylvania 
22. “He’s fighting to defend and better Social Security and Medicare — because millions of Latino seniors rely on them.” Cristina Saralegui, Florida 
23. “Thanks to the President’s efforts to keep student loan rates low, I can expect to save nearly $1000 as I work to repay my student loans. And I don’t have too many of those, thanks to the Federal Pell Grant program.” Sam, Minnesota 
24. “It’s been wonderful to have President Obama as a champion for access to health care for all women in this country.” Cecile Richards, New York 
25. “Re-electing Barack Obama would lead to a stronger economic recovery than would be the case were Mitt Romney to win on November 6th.” Jared Bernstein, Washington, D.C.

Thank you for putting up with me. Now for sure it’s time to eat dinner!

Vote for President Obama and please tell your friends.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but Sam and I are so fed up with the 2012 presidential campaign — dating all the way back to those moronic GOP primary debates — that we’re ready to hang ourselves. However, all the national polls today are pointing to President Obama’s re-election (thank God), so with any luck the next time I’m forced to hear Mitt Romney’s voice will be his concession speech sometime tomorrow night.  

The sooner the better.

For comic relief, in case you’ve got a really short memory, I’m pleased to include this portrait of the original cast of characters from the aforementioned GOP debates. There wasn’t (and still isn’t) a worthwhile or qualified candidate in the entire crowd.

Here’s a follow-up to the current crisis in Diabetesland as outlined in my last post. I called the pharmacy manager at Wal-Mart this morning and told her that Novolin R insulin is no better than a bottle of sludge from the Trinity River. After asking a few routine questions to determine whether or not I’m a crackpot, she consulted the medicine gods at Blue Cross and agreed to switch my prescription back to Humulin at no additional cost whatsoever. Sam can pick it up in the morning. Two months’ worth. I’m so damn excited I think I’ll eat a bunch of hard-boiled eggs.

Tomorrow is Election Day. VOTE FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS. Thank you.

Who wouldn’t want a spleen pillow for only $18?

There’s a crisis afoot in Diabetesland tonight. Last week I refilled my prescription for mealtime insulin and Wal-Mart gave me a substitute brand — ReliOn Novolin R — which is a different name than the product they sold me last time. I questioned it when they handed me the bag but the pharmacy technician promised it was exactly the same as Humulin. However ... I started using Novolin R on Friday, and you know what? THIS STUFF DOESN’T WORK. My blood sugar has been rising steadily all weekend even though I’m injecting more than enough insulin before every meal and counting my carbs like a fanatic. This is so frustrating I might have to whack somebody with my cane. Sam says I should call Wal-Mart in the morning and tell them what’s going on. If I don’t get the right answers — and quite honestly, I really haven’t got too much confidence in this — I’ll call Dr. M and unload on her.

Are you getting ready to shop for Hanukkah? I ran across a cool new website last night where a person can find adorable gifts for absolutely practically ANYBODY. It’s called UncommonGoods.com and a sample smattering of their merchandise is illustrated for you here, including plush throw pillows in your choice of 11 different internal organs (a uterus and brain appear below), a stylish men’s wallet made of duct tape and a ceramic face mug with room in the base to store cookies. All are very reasonably priced — who wouldn’t want a spleen pillow for only $18? — and guaranteed to delight unsuspecting relatives and friends.

I’ve finally calmed down so maybe now is a good time to wrap up this post and go to bed. It was nice of you to drop in. Say hi to the family for me, okay?

Drumstick ice cream cones: the official hors d’oeuvres of Howdygram headquarters.

Happy Sunday from Howdygram headquarters where, after sleeping through a really boring western, Sam remains comfortably unconscious in the family room as I write this post. The aforementioned boring western was The Kansan (1943) starring Richard Dix and Jane Wyatt, the semi-dopey tale of a drifter who gets shot stopping a bank robbery and wakes up in the hospital to find out he’s been elected marshal. Albert Dekker is on hand as the bad guy, but that’s hardly a casting surprise because Albert Dekker is ALWAYS the bad guy. Makes you wonder if this Dekker dude was an evil, crooked jerk in real life, too. (Probably not.) My only real issue with this movie is Richard Dix, who consistently has the personality of an eggplant.

When Sam eventually wakes up, tonight’s entertainment will include homemade matzo ball soup if I can stop typing long enough to throw everything into a pot and the Cowboys vs. Atlanta Falcons game on NBC. If soup and football sound better than what’s on your current Sunday night agenda, please send me an email right away and we’ll save you a seat. The festivities begin at 7 p.m. You can wear a bathrobe if you want to.

With Election Day almost upon us I’d like to share three more outstanding videos from the Obama for America campaign. They’re all definitely worth watching and I hope you’ll give them a few minutes of your time. And tell your friends.







Holy crap, I’d better get started making soup or Sam won’t have anything to eat when he wakes up except for Drumstick ice cream cones, which technically only qualify as hors d’oeuvres. Thank you for reading this.

Sam, Sherlock and a couple of excellent videos.

Before I join Sam in the family room to watch the last half of a Sherlock Holmes movie I thought I’d share the following two excellent video clips for your entertainment and enlightenment. The first is a monologue by Bill Maher from his Friday night “Real Time” program on HBO; the second is Vice President Joe Biden discussing what senior citizens can expect from Romney and Ryan. Please take a couple of minutes to watch both of them even if you’d rather be doing something else. Thank you.

Tomorrow will mark the final event of my week-long birthday celebration — SUNDAY BRUNCH AT BLUE MESA — where we’ll dine on fajitas, guacamole, sweet potato chips, adobe pie, teeny made-to-order omelets, smoked brisket, street tacos, excellent little sausages and enough mango ice tea to make your kidneys collapse. They also have Belgian waffles with whipped cream and exquisite little flans, but Sam has to eat those without my help because I have diabetes.

A quick public service announcement before I head back to Sam and Sherlock ... don’t forget to change your clocks tonight! I have no use whatosever for all this crap about Daylight Savings Time, except that switching back in November means I’m an hour younger and I’ll take all the extra hours I can get. Thank you for reading this.

Emotional groceries and the GOP has a “movement”.

It finally happened people. This morning at 8:30 Sam and I pulled into a parking spot in front of our new Trader Joe’s in Plano! HOLY CRAP! I hadn’t seen or set foot in a Trader Joe’s since we left California in 2o07, so this was a stirring and emotional moment for me. In case you’re interested, the store was completely empty at that hour because the snooty citizens of Plano don’t get up before 10 on weekends.

Concerning our grocery haul ... we loaded our cart with the following pile of thrilling old favorites:

• cashews
• dried apricots
• a tasty little container of egg white salad
• frozen veggie burgers
• chicken taquitos
• Trader Joe’s potato salad
• bagels and lox
• mostly tasteless high-fiber wheat bread
• hummos
• California rolls with the hottest wasabi in North America
• stuffed bell peppers
• a hunk of havarti cheese

I wanted to buy more but my knees gave out, so I limped back to the car while Sam took charge of the checkout routine. Our plans for the remainder of the day include eating everything in sight. I’ve already consumed the California rolls and egg white salad; my next victim will be havarti while watching George Sanders in The Falcon’s Brother (1942). In the event you’re into movie star crapola, the brother is played by Tom Conway who, coincidentally, was George Sanders’ ACTUAL BROTHER.

And finally, no pre-election Howdygram post would be complete without one more sarcastic shot at GOP jellyfish Mitt Romney, who coined a new phrase today while campaigning in Ohio.

Thank you for putting up with me. I think I need some food now.

Friends don’t let friends vote for Romney.

Here at Howdygram headquarters it’s been a strange and lazy day fraught with conflicts, which I’ll elaborate for you below.

Conflict #1. I conked out on the chaise in the family room before Sam left for work at 1:15 so I didn’t get a chance to tell him he looked cute and have a nice day. I hate that. To cheer myself up afterwards I ordered four squeezy bottles of Koop’s Spicy Brown Deli Mustard from the National Mustard Museum. Mustard solves everything.

Conflict #2. I want a large quantity of hot food for dinner tonight but don’t feel like cooking. My available options include: 1) continuing to whine; 2) hiring servants; or 3) ordering things from China City. I’ll probably pick door number three.

Conflict #3. I’m sick of the presidential election and November 6 can’t come soon enough. My final thought on the subject: FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS VOTE FOR ROMNEY. President Obama and I thank you.

In other news, Sam and I will continue to celebrate my birthday this weekend with a Saturday shopping excursion to the brand new Trader Joe’s in Plano and brunch on Sunday at Blue Mesa. While Blue Mesa is a favorite of ours and their brunch is consistently wonderful — unlimited guacamole! steak fajitas! adobe pies! teeny omelets! — I’m especially hysterical about our plans for Saturday because I haven’t set foot in a Trader Joe’s since we left California in 2007. Holy crap, I’ve had my grocery list ready for TWO YEARS! Be sure to check in with the Howdygram over the weekend for late-breaking updates.

And finally ... from our Advanced Fruit Instruction department and the helpful screwballs at Foodbeast.com, I’m pleased to post the following educational video that demonstrates how to shuck a strawberry. I seriously can’t wait to try this, which gives you some idea what kind of life I lead.



I want to call China City now. Thank you for reading this.

Thank you for reading this on my birthday.

Hi, people. Happy birthday to me! I have to spend the evening alone because Sam’s at work, but as a consolation prize I get to eat weird and tasty crap while watching “People’s Court” reruns until well past midnight. Possible selections for the aforementioned weird and tasty crap may include any or all of the following: 1) a Schwan’s frozen omelet; 2) a bag of Lowrey’s Bacon Curls; 3) freeze-dried green beans with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray; 4) Mongolian chicken; and/or 5) egg salad on a low-carb tortilla. Please send an email as soon as possible if you’d like to participate in my birthday food extravaganza. The festivities begin at 8 p.m., napkins included.

In case you’re interested in a truly shlocky one-star horror flick, please allow me to recommend The Devil Bat (1940) starring Bela Lugosi with a supporting cast of unknown actors and flying rodents. Sam and I had an opportunity to watch this dreck-fest during lunch today.

Bela Lugosi plays “kindly Dr. Carruthers,” a beloved local scientist who invents after shave lotion by day and giant killer bats by night in his secret laboratory in order to kill off the owners of a cosmetic company and their pals, employees and offspring.

This is all so hilarious and unbelievably lame you won’t mind wasting 68 minutes of your life ... even if it means being late for work.

Before I forget, in case you’re still undecided in the upcoming presidential election or need a few solid reminders why you should re-elect President Obama, please click the image below to take a look at the 39 best reasons.

Thank you for reading this on my birthday. Smooches to everybody from Howdygram headquarters.