Hostages, terrorists and pumpkin pie for one.

I think something’s wrong with me: it’s after 7 p.m. and I’M NOT HUNGRY. This is definitely an odd twist of events for a foodie like yours truly, especially since I’ve got a kitchen filled with all kinds of amazing crap to eat — teeny cans of Chinese gluten, Lowrey’s hot & spicy bacon curls, frozen whatnots from Schwan’s — not to mention China City’s convenient online order form bookmarked on Firefox. I mean, I’m all set here as soon as I decide I need to eat something, except at the moment I don’t really need to eat. Which is the EXACT OPPOSITE of Sam last night when he got home from work. He was, in a word, starving, so I made him a picture-perfect three-egg omelet with mushrooms, melty pepper jack cheese and a side order of sausages, which he washed down with — ready for this? — A WHOLE PUMPKIN PIE WITH A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM. The whole damn pie, all at once. I never enjoyed anything so much in my entire life. It was almost as good as watching The Wizard of Oz.

I’m having an issue with FedEx. They ship everything you buy online from Wal-Mart.com, but for some peculiar reason only a teeny part of my last order, which included multiple bottles of body wash, deodorant, toothpaste, glucose tablets and flavor extracts, requires a signature on delivery. WTF? I’ve never had to sign for a Wal-Mart delivery in my entire life. I received a big box yesterday with my entire order minus the two little bottles of McCormick extract, which apparently are being held hostage by a terrorist Federal Express driver I’ll refer to as Bubba Einstein. According to online tracking Bubba has attempted to deliver this stupid crap THREE TIMES but apparently never bothered to tape a note to the door to let me know I had to sign for something. I think we should kill him. Either that, or I’ll start buying extracts in our local Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market.

Sam and I are having a big adventure tomorrow. Stay tuned for all the details, okay? Thank you for reading this.