Grilled cheese, sugar-free pickles and a Walter Pidgeon movie on the side.

So here’s the story tonight from Howdygram headquarters. Sam called about an hour ago to let me know he’ll be stuck at the office until 4 a.m. Tuesday morning because a group of clients are in-house to work on a steaming pile of urgent crapola and intend to stay for 48 hours without clean socks or taking a shower. I’m not joking. Nobody would ever joke about something like this. On the plus side, though, Sam said he ordered dinner from Pei Wei, and everybody knows that Chinese food is always the answer.

I wonder if he had the pad thai. That’s his favorite.

From our Tacky Snacks Department comes this heartbreaking news from Sacramento, California, where bankrupt Hostess Brands, Inc., manufacturer of acrylic Twinkies, foam rubber cupcakes and other iconic treats, has been crippled by a labor strike over the company’s proposed 8% wage cut, a 32% reduction in health benefits and increased work hours. While the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union is having a cow, Hostess CEO Grey Rayburn promises the strike ultimately will force the company to close its doors. Bottom line: BETTER BUY YOUR TWINKIES BEFORE FRIDAY. Thank you.

A little closer to home, in response to President Obama’s re-election it seems that 25,000 local yahoos have signed a petition demanding that Texas secede from the United States, triggering a hilarious blog post on the Dallas Observer’s website asking to clarify the basic logistics of secession in case a few of us would rather not live in a nation run by the holy gunslinger, Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, pictured below. I added a few questions of my own to the Dallas Observer’s list. Enjoy.

1. Will I need a passport to get into America?
2. Will we get our own paper currency with Rick Perry holding a uterus on it?
3. Can my child carry a gun to preschool?
4. Is not wearing the mandatory Texas flag shirt punishable by death, or just life in prison?
5. Is it going to cost 25,000 frequent flier miles to get to Albuquerque now?
6. What will we bomb next once we’re done with all the Planned Parentoods?
7. Can I drink in church?
8. Will there be legitimate rape?
9. When I retire, how much should I count on getting from Texas in Social Security? If not much, can I self-deport to America?
10. Will I die at the Alamo? What if I don’t want to die at the Alamo? Can I self-deport to America?
11. Will state troopers wear coonskin caps? Can I self-deport to America?
12. If Texas is its own country, will I have to learn the language?
13. Can I shoot my neighbors?
14. Will the Texas Bill of Rights include Viagra?
15. Will there be chicken-fried pasta?
16. I’ll still get cable, right? If not, can this wait until the next season of “Mad Men” is over?
17. Will I have to purchase my own transvaginal probe wand, or will one be provided for me at reduced cost?
18. Is Chuck Norris the Vice President or the Secretary of Defense?
19. Can we force the IRS to give Willie Nelson his money back?
20. We’ll have excessive banjos in the national anthem, right?
21. If I duck-tape a truck bed to the back, can I keep my Prius?
22. Will we still have to pick up our dog’s poop or can we just shoot it for target practice?
23. Can we bring back mailmen on horseback? That was cool.
24. Will we be able to import Coors Light?

To amuse myself tonight in Sam’s absence I decided to engage in my two favorite hobbies: 1) eating things; and 2) buying things. So far item 1 has included Coke Zero, a teeny bowl of hummus and some Lowrey’s hot & spicy bacon curls. Item 2, accomplished at Wal-Mart.com, involves the excellent merchandise illustrated below, purchased mostly in multiples (i.e., four toothpastes, two deodorants, etc.) to qualify for free shipping.

I also placed a small order with Amazon because I didn’t want them to feel neglected. The 24-oz. jar of McCormick’s Taco Seasoning is the same powdery crap they also sell in packets except the jar is a lot cheaper. (I use it for homemade dip. I love dip.) The pan is nonstick lasagna-size by Wilton that measures 14½" x 11" and I’ll use it for little chickens. I don’t make lasagna because I have diabetes. Please send an email if you feel sorry for me.

I think I’d better eat some real food before my blood sugar gets too low. Hummus and bacon curls don’t exactly qualify. I’m considering a grilled cheese on low-carb wheat bread and sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles with a Walter Pidgeon movie on the side. Thank you for reading this.