Albertson’s, home of the toothless doofus.

Breaking news from Mesquite. Sam just left on a shopping expedition to Albertson’s! His prey? Jimmy Dean frozen omelets (which aren’t available anywhere else), Koop’s stone ground mustard, sugar-free Heinz ketchup and some dairy crapola so I can move forward with my low-carb baking adventures.

In case you’re wondering why this would be such a big hoo-hah, we never shop at Albertson’s even though there’s a big store three minutes from home because Sam doesn’t like the doofus with two teeth who works at the deli counter. For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Albertson’s in Garland at Broadway and Duck Creek, home of the toothless doofus.

From our Let’s Pretend You Give a Crap department, right now I’d like to review a couple of recent purchases! First up ... Bob’s Red Mill Low-Carb Whole Wheat Bread Mix. Although I loved the taste and texture, and it expanded into such a huge loaf in my bread machine that the lid nearly popped off, I didn’t actually get to eat very much of this stuff because the whole loaf turned moldy less than 48 hours later. This was definitely a waste of time and money, since the packaged mix and additional ingredients cost almost six bucks. SIX DAMN BUCKS!

Next ... Dixie Carb Counters Banana Nut Bread Mix. This was easy to make but had some clear negatives, including: 1) inconvenient and expensive ingredients, such as sour cream, butter and a bunch of eggs; 2) the baking time on the package is wrong unless you enjoy eating charcoal; 3) the damn thing has no discernible flavor whatsoever; and 4) on Saturday I practically choked to death on banana bread crumbs and had to pause a Myrna Loy movie twice. Other than that it was a wonderful experience.

This week I’ll make the Low-Carb Cinnamon Swirl Snackin’ Cake. Stay tuned.

Glorioski! It’s time for lunch!