My stupid right hip and assorted other complaints.

I’m in PAIN. I haven’t moaned about this kind of crap for quite a while so please bear with me while I tell you more than you need to know.

Aside from aching knees, vanishing tastebuds, cramped-up fingers and a headache, the biggest issue at Howdygram headquarters this afternoon is MY STUPID RIGHT HIP. The hip joint feels like it wants to “pop” — but won’t — which means I can’t move my right leg, I can’t sit, I can’t stand, I can’t bend, I’m scared to put any weight on it (a nice dilemma when you’re home alone), tap dancing is out of the question and I’m not even comfortable on that gorgeous chaise in the family room with an afghan and the remote! Shortly before he left for the office Sam reminded me that stretching out flat on my back worked last time (this happened once before, about a month ago) so I might wind up in bed at some point today ... probably sooner rather than later. Can a person eat leftover Mongolian chicken lying down?

And now for our latest Einstein Award! Meet Brittni Colleps, 29, a former high school teacher from Kennedale, Texas, who was recently sentenced to five years in prison for 16 felony counts of engaging in group sex with several of her 18- and 19-year-old students. Colleps spoke out today, insisting that she’s actually the victim here — and not a sexual predator — because her playmates videotaped their orgies without her consent. Colleps remains in the Tarrant County Jail in Fort Worth waiting for her transfer to prison. The only sad part is, Miss Einstein has three small children and a husband serving in the military. What a genius. Holy crap.

Thank you for reading this. I think I’ll shlep myself into the bedroom for a while.