Does Taco Bell take credit cards?

When all else fails, eat. That’s been my life’s ambition since age two, when I first figured out I could consume a meal with mom and dad and toddle downstairs afterwards to my grandparents’ apartment for a second helping of everything. I’m told nobody got wise to me for a number of years, but by then I was just another short little addict desperate for a fix. Nothing’s really changed.

Since waking from my nap a couple of hours ago I’ve been trying to avoid a wide range of disturbing current events — exploding embassies, Mitt Romney’s face, the birth of Levi Johnston’s latest spawn — and the answer, as always, is I NEED TO EAT SOMETHING. Therefore I’ve decided I’ll either make a big pot of Bear Creek hot & sour soup or drive to Taco Bell for a bag of cheap burritos. Maybe both. Does Taco Bell take credit cards?

Pictured above, left to right, are Taco Bell’s Crispy Potato Soft Taco — holy crap! are those TATER TOTS? — with melty pepper jack sauce and the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch with mushy meat and a substance that looks like Thousand Island creeping out under the lettuce. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.

Just in case you’re trying to figure out what to watch tonight on TV I’d like to recommend “Top Chef Masters” on Bravo. This is basically the same as regular “Top Chef” minus the drama, since these contestants are actually accomplished professionals who choose not to look like whiny, competitive idiots on national television. I guess it makes perfect sense that I’d preface these remarks with my opening tirade about food.

Damn, I’m hungry. Thank you for reading this.