Do not get out of your car under any circumstances.

At last … the Howdygram’s Gefilte Fish Festival starts on Wednesday! I just got a final email update from the KC Kosher Co-Op with directions for picking up my order. It reads like a spy novel and corresponds to the map that follows below.

• Bring a copy of your paid invoice, folded in thirds.
• Follow Churchill Way westbound (figure 1) to Hughes Lane and turn north (figure 2).
• Turn east on Dykes Way (figure 3) to Gramercy.
• Turn south on Gramercy (figure 4) and park along the right curb. 
• Stay in your car. DO NOT GET OUT OF YOUR CAR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
• The delivery truck will be parked facing west on Turner Way (figure 5) and the driver will wave each car forward one at a time. Dallas police will be on hand to prevent a kosher chicken riot.

Apparently they’re expecting an enormous mob ... every grocery-loving Jewish person in the Dallas/Fort Worth metropolitan area will be there to collect the essential crapola they ordered for Passover, such as crates of grape juice, matzo meal, brisket, coloring books, frozen blintzes, nosh, beet borscht, pickles and those all-important Manischewitz Tam-Tams (the kind that taste like onion rolls). Oy, I’m so excited I can hardly stand it! It’s almost as good as a Star Trek convention except everybody’s Jewish!

There’s breaking news tonight from our Holy Crap, He Can’t Be Serious department. Fresh from his diplomatic success in North Korea, after which Kim Jong Un immediately threatened the United States with thermonuclear war, embarrassing pea-brain Dennis Rodman is on now his way to Rome to meet with the new Pope, anxious to spread his international NBA gospel of love through nose rings, tattoos and basketball. I hope cameras are rolling when he tries to weasel his way into the Vatican because the world can always use fresh material for late-night comedy.

And now it’s time for a nice hot shower followed by my third-favorite snack: strawberry jello and sugar-free Cool Whip. In case you give a crap, my second-favorite snack is Slim Jims with American cheese singles, and the top spot is held by cheap dill pickles, low-carb biscuits and sugar-free chocolate soy milk. I love my life!