It’s official. I’m a curmudgeon.

I am an anomaly. I’ve got the technical skill to design blogs and websites but I hate cell phones. ALL cell phones. At present I’ve got a three-year-old “dumb” phone with no data plan that can’t do anything except voice calls. Naturally AT&T is having a cow, expecting me to upgrade to an expensive contraption with a bunch of idiotic apps, but I don’t want an upgrade. I don’t even want a phone. And here’s why.

1. I can’t operate those stupid teeny buttons because my fingers are numb from diabetic neuropathy.
2. I don’t want to talk to anybody.
3. I never leave the house.

So in case you’re wondering by now why the hell I have a cell phone at all, the explanations are brief and simple:

1. In case I go somewhere alone — such as seven blocks away to the doctor’s office four times a year — I can call Sam from the parking lot to say hi and ask if he’s hungry.
2. So I don’t have to post our home phone number on my business website even though nobody ever calls and I probably wouldn’t answer the phone even if they did.

Yes, it’s official. I’m a curmudgeon. Holy crap and welcome to my world.

From our Disgusting Creeps Behind Bars department comes a new story about convicted pedophile Jerry Sandusky, Penn State's former assistant football coach, who’s serving six decades in prison for raping boys.

On the “Today” show this week documentary filmmaker John Ziegler unloaded a fresh pile of crap on the public in his effort to clear disgraced head coach Joe Paterno, who got fired for ignoring reports of Sandusky’s sexual activities in an effort to protect the football program. After lengthy behind-bars interviews with Sandusky, Ziegler has concluded that Paterno should not have been fired because the aforementioned activities were just botched grooming and not actually rape. The premise here is so thoroughly repulsive — what in hell is botched grooming? — that even Paterno’s family thinks this is horseshit.

And now it’s time for pickles & biscuits, a Slim Jim and sugar-free chocolate soy milk ... my new favorite dinner besides Mongolian chicken. I’m also gearing up for the new season of “Hardcore Pawn,” which starts tonight on TruTV. I love my life. Seriously.