Mazel tov to Wayne LaPierre, the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week.

Forgive me. I skipped two days posting for the Howdygram and I am without excuse. I have, however, been distracted by a number of pressing issues, which include: 1) a design conundrum related to a new client’s website; 2) an ongoing lack of sleep; 3) a few too many swell Tyrone Power movies on TCM; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. I’ve also been eating a lot of Beanit Butter cookies.

Regarding item 3, these were The Eddy Duchin Story, The Mark of Zorro and Witness for the Prosecution. Too bad TCM didn’t show The Luck of the Irish for St. Patrick’s Day; it’s one of Tyrone’s best. (If TCM asks me to help with their programming schedule next year I’ll have to mention this.)

And now for our latest Putz of the Week award! This time we’re honoring Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association and death merchant extraordinaire.

LaPierre’s current claim to fame is a new Republican policy solution for rape, announced at last week’s Conservative Political Action Conference: arm all women with guns. LaPierre said, “The one thing a violent rapist deserves is to face a good woman with a gun!”

The right-wing’s view of violence against women is already clear. They’re the party of old white men spouting crap about “legitimate rape” but can barely acknowledge that rape even exists. They pass laws to force non-consensual wanding of pregnant women’s vaginas, rail against abortion and force victims to bear their rapists’ babies. And now the ultimate in absurd extremism ... extending their repulsive gun culture to pretend they’re my friend and the enemy of sexual violence.

This is just what America’s gun-obsessed society needs, isn’t it? MORE WEAPONS. This will prevent rape how? You’d have to assume that the potential victim: 1) is not physically injured or drugged; 2) is not acquainted with or emotionally tied to her attacker; 3) had the foresight and money to buy and license a gun in advance of her attack; 4) has a window of opportunity in a split second of terror to reach for her gun, pull the trigger and shoot accurately; and 5) is lucky enough to not have the gun yanked out of her hand and used to kill her. Worse yet, have you seen what happens to a woman in court for defending herself with a deadly weapon? Most of the time she’s portrayed as deranged tramp who over-reacted. It’s just SEX, lady, what’s the big deal? You were wearing shorts and a tank top, what did you expect? Did you really have to KILL him?

Wow, what a tirade. I need a nice plate of pickles and biscuits for dinner.

On another subject altogether, I’ve got a service technician coming on Monday to calibrate my GE stove because all of a sudden the oven’s a little too hot. For example, there’s no good reason why frozen mozzarella sticks should start melting in nine minutes when they’re supposed to bake in 12, and yesterday our wonderful little Schwan’s Krunchie Potato Wedges turned out like plywood. Holy crap.

From our Awkward Athletes in Love department comes breaking news that Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn are dating. The announcement was punctuated last week by professional portraits “leaked” to the world via Tiger’s Facebook page, in which he and Vonn are clearly smiling but never actually touching each other. To me they look more like brother and sister or strangers at a bar mitzvah. WTF?

In case you’re interested, Cindi’s New York Deli is Dallas’ most popular Jewish delicatessen even though it’s actually an overpriced and watered-down effort by a Vietnamese entrepreneur named Anh Vo — who obviously learned to make matzo balls from her bubbe in Hanoi — and whose head chef is a black dude named Jerry, both pictured below. Yesterday on CBS’ local Dallas website Jerry was generous enough to post his “two favorite Passover recipes” … Potato Kugel and Charoset, those beloved African-American standards. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. Oy, only in Texas, people.

I have to eat something now. Thank you for reading this!