Sex and Brownie Brittle can solve damn near anything.

In this post: Dysfunctional bedding, terrifying bedskirts, exciting Wednesday purchases.

You may recall a couple of years ago when we had to return a brand new (defective) $2,700 Beautyrest king-size bed after a humongous dent developed in the memory foam. Know what? The expensive Sealy Posturepedic we bought to replace it has developed a mystery hump down the middle and — as an added bonus — on Monday I apparently busted a spring in the foundation on my side of the bed, resulting in a thunderous CLUNK every time I get in.

Therefore, in an effort to resolve our ongoing dilemma I just ordered us a fabulous new super-strong Sleep Master steel platform bed frame at a great price from Amazon with free shipping. According to 893 four- and five-star customer reviews, your old mattress will feel like new again and you can throw your box spring in the garbage FOREVER … which is exactly what we’ll do the day after Thanksgiving. 

In addition to our new Sleep Master platform bed I also ordered a gigantic jar of tasty McCormick Poultry Gravy mix, 36 boxes of very cheap wintergreen Tic Tacs, an exceptionally nice tailored microfiber bedskirt in taupe and a box of large safety pins so we can attach the bedskirt to the new frame. (Please don’t mention the bedskirt to Sam, okay? The word strikes terror in his heart and I’ll have to spring it on him at the last minute after sex or Brownie Brittle.)

A portrait of the aforementioned tailored yet terrifying microfiber bedskirt appears below for your possible interest.

My blood sugar is very low right now so I have to eat dinner. More news and general horseshit will be available later. Thank you for reading this.