Does anybody else remember Art Fern and the Tea-Time Movie?

Holy crap and happy Friday! I just woke up from a two-hour nap with a hairdo like Alfalfa Switzer and was so confused and disoriented that I didn’t know where I was or how I got there. I remember falling asleep watching a Margaret Rutherford movie called Murder at the Gallop and the next thing I know I’m buying avocados in a gigantic, 24-hour Albertson’s store with my mother, my father and Rock Hudson. The produce displays were covered by canvas tarps for the night so we had to page the manager, apparently played by Jean Hersholt, to let us look underneath.

I don’t really know why I considered this dream so weird and disturbing, but to help clear my head I decided to run the dishwasher and think about dinner. I love thinking about dinner.

I’ve got a news flash from Diabetesland. USING MEALTIME INSULIN IS REALLY ANNOYING. I’m supposed to turn myself into Carnac the Magnificent and predict how many carbs I’ll eat at my next meal, inject an appropriate quantity of insulin half an hour in advance and then sit around staring at a clock so I won’t fall into a coma on my way to the kitchen. Maybe I should carry a little electronic egg timer in my pocket or a sack of Cheetos.

In case you were born after 1980 or just flew into town from a distant galaxy, Carnac the Magnificent was one of Johnny Carson’s most popular alter-egos during his 30-year run on “The Tonight Show.” (My other favorite characters were Art Fern and Floyd Turbo, both pictured below.)

Know what? Carson has been off the air since 1992 — TWENTY YEARS — and I still miss him! Nobody’s ever been funnier except for Sam and Bill Maher. And I mean this sincerely.

I’ve decided to make Marcy’s Revolutionary Bean Soup for dinner because nearly all the ingredients are freeze-dried — excluding the water, cilantro and chicken base — which means if I start now I could be eating by 7. I’m modifying my own recipe this time. I plan to replace the ketchup with a tablespoon of tomato powder, part of an order that showed up earlier today from MySpiceSage.com. This is so swell I almost can’t stand it.

Thank you for reading this.