Donald Trump is the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week.

I’ve seen a lot of surprising crap during six decades of life but today was really an all-time doozy. Sam and I attempted to vote this morning (early voting in Texas started yesterday) but at 9 a.m. our polling place looked like Wal-Mart on Black Friday with a line of people stretching all the way around the block. WE COULDN’T EVEN GET CLOSE. To cheer myself up I injected 15 units of insulin (in the car when nobody was looking) and we drove to Denny’s for Senior Scrambled Eggs. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) our overcrowded polling place at the Lakeside Activity Center; and C) Denny’s at Belt Line and U.S. 80.

As long as I’m on the subject of voting ... in another last-ditch effort to keep his name in the news, irrelevant GOP blowhard Donald Trump, the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week, is taunting America today with a “big big announcement” on Twitter tomorrow about President Obama ... something he promises will “change the election.” Does this pea-brain seriously think he’s fooling anybody with all this manufactured hype? Wake me when it’s over. (Thank you.)

But let’s move on to really important issues. There’s breaking news from Boston today, where condom-maker Trojan is seeking a permit to give away 10,000 vibrators at City Hall Plaza. In response to Trojan’s request, Mayor Tom Menino’s office issued a statement that distributing sex toys is an “inappropriate and irresponsible” use for the plaza. While I have no opinion about appropriate or inappropriate permits for city property, what really confuses me is why people with vibrators would need Trojan condoms. I’m just saying.

Glorioski ... here’s another installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery! If you’re over 50 or just a fan of classic television, you’ll recognize Laura Petrie (“The Dick Van Dyke Show”), Thelma Lou (“The Andy Griffith Show”) and little Timmy Martin from the “Lassie” series after they replaced Tommy Rettig. I decided to throw in Leslie Caron at no extra charge because I just finished watching Gigi on TCM.

Before I sign off to reheat a few leftovers and put away laundry — not necessarily in that order because I’m starving — I wonder if any of you have seen that meaningless new Chanel TV commercial starring Brad Pitt. If not, take a look:



Aside from the fact that Brad Pitt sounds like he’s out of his mind, I’d like to know what’s wrong with modern women and why any of you would consider this skanky dude SEXY. Is it his dirty hair? That creepy beard? The crushed shirt? Holy crap, I’ve seen better-looking specimens sleeping on the curb in downtown Dallas! DON’T YOU PEOPLE REMEMBER WHAT A REAL MOVIE STAR LOOKS LIKE? I offer the following three photos, in case you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Thank you for reading this. It was nice of you to stop by. Next time, bring coffee cake.