It might be time for these women to stay off the red carpet. I think they should learn to knit sweaters.

Good morning, people. I’ve got a pile of fascinating crapola for this post so there’s no point wasting any time. I’ll get right to the point.

Fascinating Crapola #1. You’ll be happy to know that my feet didn’t vibrate last night. Thank you.

Fascinating Crapola #2. I bought myself a countertop spice rack a couple of days ago so I can free up some space in one of my kitchen cabinets. This is no big deal, actually, but I thought I’d post a photo anyway because it’s cute.

I ordered this contraption from MySpiceSage.com along with a few new spices, including GROUND CHIPOTLE PEPPER which tastes a lot better than cayenne and I can’t wait to start throwing it into everything, from soup to mayonnaise to pudding! (Okay, maybe not pudding.)

Fascinating Crapola #3. In case you’re already planning for Halloween I thought I’d share the following brilliant ideas for PET COSTUMES. The Howdygram’s personal favorite is the last one, the four collies. (Especially the one on the left in the Krispy Kreme outfit.) If you’ve got a couple of minutes with nothing to do you can post a comment and let me know which one you like best.

Fascinating Crapola #4. We’ve got SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS heading our way! This is definitely a big hoo-hah for north Texas because we haven’t had much rain for the last few months. According to Weather.com — consistently the most disappointing weather agency ever created — the show’s supposed to start around 11 a.m. and last three or four hours. Please see the map below for further information.

Fascinating Crapola #5. Here’s yet another installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery, featuring a selection of then-and-now celebrity photos for your Saturday amusement. I’m especially frightened by the photos of Carol Channing and Angela Lansbury and think it might be time for these women to  stay off the red carpet. They should learn to knit sweaters.

Fascinating Crapola #6. I canceled my optometrist appointment this morning because I just didn’t feel like going. I love canceling appointments. For a small fee I’d even be willing to cancel a few of YOURS.

I have to start planning an early lunch now because I’m starving. If I play my cards right maybe Sam will drive over to Long John Silver’s and pick up a bag of fish for me, although I’ve never really been very good at cards and might have to switch to plan B. (Plan B would be a can of soup.) Thank you for reading this.