Drugs that cause leg cramps and other useless information for seniors.

Show of hands. Is anybody besides me sick of all the email from AARP? I get at least one a day — usually it’s more like three — packed with uninspired and meaningless crap written by a staff of eager twentysomethings who think they know what’s really important to seniors. Trust me, sweetie, I’m not interested in your favorite TV shows, the latest antioxidant news or tips for choosing comfortable shoes. And I’m especially not interested in AARP’s new job search feature, which is essentially an oxymoron. Jobs? Why in hell would retirees be searching for jobs? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING JOBS!

Other hot topics featured in AARP’s recent emails include:

• “America’s 5 Happiest Cities” (Madison, Wisconsin? Seriously?)
• “Raquel Welch: Beyond the Cleavage” (Holy crap.) 
• “9 Exciting Winter Salads” (“Exciting” and “salads” don’t belong in the same sentence.) 
• “Bean Soups Can Keep You Warm” (Only if you pour them on your lap.) 
• “Drugs That Cause Leg Cramps” (Next: Emails that cause migraines.) 
• “Dips You Can Feel Good About” (I never met a dip I didn’t love.) 
• “How To Avoid First Date Disasters” (Easy answer: Just stay home with a battery-powered toy.) 
• “Do You Have Pre-Diabetes?” (Nice try, but I already have REAL diabetes.)

The Howdygram is thrilled to report that a proposed referendum to allow casino gambling in Texas is beginning to pick up steam. According to State Senator John Carona, big casinos, race tracks and Native American groups have agreed to support his constitutional amendment allowing 21 casinos across the state and development of a Texas gaming commission. He says Texans currently spend more than $3 billion every year at casinos in Louisiana, Arkansas and Oklahoma, so why not keep all that dough right here in the Lone Star State to create jobs and revenue. Do you know what this means? PENNY SLOTS AND SUGAR-FREE PIE CLOSER TO HOME! Glorioski!

I just ordered a nice big dinner from China City, although I’ll bet you’re not as excited about this as I am. (It’s okay. I won’t be upset.)