The hills are alive with the sound of manhunts.

I’m having a mighty weird afternoon, unwittingly surrounded by murderers and fugitives while I wait for thunderstorms to roll in. There are two converging stories of horror that I’ll describe for you now in detail ... whether you give a crap or not.

SCARY STORY NUMBER ONE. It is suspected that the Aryan Brotherhood of Texas, a popular white supremacist welcome wagon gang of prison thugs, has been assassinating the district attorneys in neighboring Kaufman County. And when I say “neighboring,” I’m not joking about this. Kaufman County adjoins the town of Mesquite about five miles south of Howdygram headquarters. The first victim was Assistant D.A. Mark Hasse, who was shot dead on January 31 in the middle of the town square. On Saturday, exactly two months later, District Attorney Mike McLelland and his wife were murdered at home in Forney. Both men had been prosecuting the Aryan Brotherhood’s leadership. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and 2) site of the McLelland hoo-hah in Forney.

SCARY STORY NUMBER TWO. A pair of dangerous criminals, one awaiting trial for capital murder, escaped this morning in their underwear from a jail in Sulphur Springs, Texas. The murder suspect, 44-year-old Brian Allen Tucker (pictured at right), was believed headed for his last known address in Mesquite’s Casa View Heights neighborhood, which is maybe five minutes from where I’m sitting as I write this post. Tucker is accused of strangling a 63-year-old man with shoelaces and stealing his musical instruments in May 2011. (Oy. He’s a music lover?) At present Texas law enforcement officials from three counties are searching for Tucker with helicopters, dogs, walkie-talkies and secret decoder rings. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the Casa View Heights subdivision; and C) our favorite Denny’s restaurant, which technically has nothing whatsoever to do with this story.

Trust me, my doors are bolted tonight. The only visitor I’m expecting is a FedEx delivery dude with two shipments from Wal-Mart, which include: 1) assorted toiletries; 2) two rolls of parchment paper so I’ll never burn another batch of Beanit Butter cookies; and 3) a two-gallon “sharps” container for my used insulin syringes. Do I have a great life, or what?

It’s almost 7:30 p.m. and high time to start thinking about what I want for dinner. Unfortunately, I’m not very motivated and don’t really feel too much like eating anything, which means this could be the perfect night for low-carb bread with pickles, Slim Jims and sugar-free chocolate soy milk! There’s more than enough for company if you’d like to join me. Thank you.