Mitt Romney would never in a million years be an assistant produce manager at Safeway.

Every now and then I get sick of self-employment, and today is one of those days. I’ve got six Ovation Creative clients with automatic web hosting payments due at the end of every month, and this afternoon credit cards were declined for three of them. Deadbeats! The cat-and-mouse game is underway now, involving a cheerful first email to let them know their cards have been declined followed by an appropriate number of semi-snotty “why in hell haven’t I heard from you” reminders until I finally get a response. If, God forbid, there’s no timely response whatsoever, the final semi-snotty email is capped by a full-bore threat to take their website offline and sell their cursed domain to the highest bidder.

I’ve only been forced into annihilation mode three times in recent memory. Trust me, it’s not a pretty sight.

And now for something completely different. I received my new Perfect Tortilla Pan Set today from Bed Bath and Beyond! In a brilliant feat of advance planning I sent Sam to Tom Thumb this morning for some essential ingredients — a bag of nice shredded iceberg lettuce and an extra jar of salsa — so we can eat big crunchy bowls of taco crap this weekend. I’ll try to take pictures but I’m not promising anything.

From our Happy Holidays department, in case there’s a hard-to-buy-for fashion-conscious dude on your Hanukkah gift list the Howdygram would like to suggest a classy outfit from Yoko Ono’s new menswear collection. Ono (inset, below), 79, says her looks are “inspired by John Lennon” and include pants with giant handprints on the crotch, a transparent plastic chest plaque with doorbells, tanks with nipple cutouts and a flashing LED stretch bra. It is important to note that John Lennon is dead.

Think you can you stand another stab at Mitt Romney? The Onion posted this photo a couple of days ago showing a grubby, disheveled Romney in his new post as assistant produce manager at Safeway. Frankly, to me it looks like he’s ready to launch into a chorus of “The Impossible Dream.” You know, like Robert Goulet. I’m just saying.

I should probably mention here that absolutely everything you see on The Onion’s website is satire because everybody knows Mitt Romney would never in a million years be an assistant produce manager at Safeway. He actually supervises the deli.

Thank you for reading this.