Olympic sports to avoid: water polo, men’s volleyball, rowing, synchronized farting and canoe painting.

I’ll bet you thought I wasn’t planning to write a post today. Well, guess what ... you’re wrong! It was hard to find the time, however, because it’s been busy around here. Following a two-hour afternoon nap, I: 1) baked a sugar-free chocolate frosted cake; 2) watched “Project Runway,” last night’s episode of “Dallas” and a racy 1931 Myrna Loy movie called The Barbarian; 3) ate gefilte fish; and 4) enjoyed NBC’s four-hour Olympics recap in less than 60 minutes. In case you’re wondering how I accomplished item four, I record the Olympics on our DVR and then fast-forward through all the horseshit that doesn’t interest me, such as water polo, men’s volleyball, rowing, synchronized farting, canoe painting and commercials. What remained were a couple of swimming finals — another big day for Michael Phelps! — and watching teeny little Gabby Douglas win the all-around gold medal in women’s gymnastics.

I also ordered some excellent stuff from Amazon today, including a package of kitchen scrubby sponges and teeny bottles of intense flavor oil. If, for some inexplicable reason, these purchases are not self-explanatory, I use the kitchen scrubby sponges to scrub things in the kitchen and the teeny bottles of intense flavor oil to add — wait for it — intense flavor! For instance, you can smoosh nine or ten drops into a can of sugar-free frosting. This also works for pudding. Missing from the image below are three boxes of Ziploc quart-size storage bags. (Try to forgive me.)

And now, while I wait for Sam to get home from work (he’s already two hours late), I think I’ll whack off a nice slab of that aforementioned sugar-free chocolate frosted cake and watch a “Hardcore Pawn” rerun. Turn out the light when you’re done here, okay?