Coming soon: extreme agitation and frenzied abnormal excitement.

Yo from Texas. I got my monthly email promotion today from The Wright Stuff, a website that sells all kinds of peculiar crap for people with arthritis and mobility issues. Today’s featured products were industrial-size pill sorters and storage units. Pictured below are the seven-day “Vita Vault” and the 30-day “Med Center.”

The “Vita Vault” ($14.95) has limited usefulness for me (way too few compartments) and looks like the jellybean dispenser from one of those candy stores at the mall. The “Med Center” ($39.95) is more impressive, however, and lets an over-medicated person store a month of drugs in a container the size of South Dakota. These would be perfect Hanukkah grab-bag presents for your favorite senior citizen. You might also consider a gift certificate for discount cremation services, which is always in good taste. (Seriously.)

From our Life Can Be Better at Club Meds department, I learned today that my new sleep aid, Trazodone, is actually an antidepressant that’s frequently used to treat insomnia and/or schizophrenia. I’m pretty sure Dr. M prescribed it for the former rather than the latter, but you never can tell. Trazodone’s possible side effects — according to information from the National Institute of Health’s website — are: 1) nausea; 2) new or worsening depression; 3) thoughts of suicide; 4) extreme agitation; 5) panic attacks; 6) aggressive behavior; 7) acting without thinking (does this include shopping on Amazon?); and 8) frenzied abnormal excitement. Holy crap! There’s so much to look forward to! I’m particularly anxious to experience number 8. Stay tuned, okay?

And now for your possible interest I’d like to share the Howdygram’s Top Six Stupidest Sports from the summer Olympics. I’ve been watching the Games for the last two weeks and — trust me, people — the meaningless competitions described (and pictured) below are the worst of the lot.

1. Artistic Gymnastics. This is more like a floor show by Cirque de Soleil and bears no resemblance to an Olympic sport by any stretch of the imagination. You get a bunch of contortionists twisting themselves in knots accompanied by peppy music.
2. Trampoline. A bunch of skinny little dudes with pointy toes bouncing on mattresses. This is almost as stupid to watch as it is to score.
3. Synchronized Swimming. The team competition is a 1930s Busby Berkeley musical with a bunch of women in clown makeup trying to make a kaleidoscope in the water. The “duets” are significantly worse, showcasing a couple of girlfriends splashing around in a pool. Wake me when it’s over.
4. Beach Volleyball. This might be fun on a Saturday morning if you live on the beach in southern California or Austrialia but nobody else on earth cares enough about this sport to even bother forming an Olympics team. Wearing a bikini to lunge around an artificial sand pit in east London — where the weather is 62° with steady drizzle — makes no sense whatsoever.
5. Women’s Wrestling. A bizarre fetish activity that’s mainly popular among the fad-obsessed Japanese, famous for inventing Hello Kitty and “hentai” porn cartoons.
6. Equestrian Dressage. (Rhymes with “massage.”) Involves people in formalwear who get their horses to do idiotic things like ballet. Think of it as the modern-day equivalent of an East Los Angeles low-rider competition. The video clip below provides the perfect illustration.

Thank you for reading this. I need to eat dinner now.